Toronto police have arrested Tanya Schiftly, a 45 year old Etobicoke woman, for organizing a happy hardcore party where she pimped out her two sons and all their male friends. “Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time that we’ve found parents selling their children at such events,” says Sgt. Henry Desmoines. “So-called happy hardcore parties are frequently used as fronts for prostitution rings. Most happy hardcore promoters are actually pimps, and the majority of men at these events are either johns or hookers. The male prostitutes are usually there against their will. The only men who would ever dance to happy hardcore are either being coerced or they’re being paid. That’s a fact.”

Happy hardcore’s long and sordid history as a hub for male sex trafficking has earned it a great deal of enmity from politicians around the world. It’s gotten so bad that the United Nations has launched the Saving Men From Happy Hardcore Related Prostitution campaign, which aims to raise public awareness of the plight many young males face at the hand of predatory pimps. “Mrs. Schiftly’s actions are simply a symptom of a much larger disease,” says campaign manager Patrick Balala. “The real problem is happy hardcore and the way it’s used by deviants to terrorize young, vulnerable men into sexual servitude. There needs to be a global effort to crush happy hardcore. As long as happy hardcore exists, young men will be at risk of sexual exploitation.”

Henry Portando, a San Francisco native who was rescued from a happy hardcore sex trafficking ring, is working with Mr. Balala on the campaign. “I experienced terrible, terrible things at these happy hardcore parties,” says Mr. Portando. “I was treated like a piece of meat to be used and abused. I was repeatedly molested by happy hardcore DJs, some of whom forced to me to use glowsticks in ways I don’t even want to think about. Happy hardcore is evil, the people who listen to it are immoral, and it’s time we, as a society, put an end to it.”

San Francisco real estate tycoon Jeffrey Lorenza is earning applause across America for his latest slizzurp-centric philanthropic venture. Slizzurp, which also goes by the name lean and purple drank, is an intoxicating beverage made by mixing cough syrup and soda. It has long been popular with the homeless, though in recent years it has become the drink of choice among liberal art graduates, trust fund kids, and New York journalists.

The popularity of the drink among the rich and well-to-do inspired Mr. Lorenza to give back to the community that pioneered the beverage. “I love slizzurp,” says Mr. Lorenza. “And I would never have tasted such a delightful elixir if not for America’s homeless community. That’s why I’m building a fleet of slizzurp dispensing trucks that will scour the streets of America looking for homeless people in desperate need of tasty, affordable high.”

Mr. Lorenza’s slizzurp-mobiles are already a common sight at soup kitchens, homeless, shelters, and Universities in several major American cities. “We’ve got a dozen slizzurp mobiles operating in San Francisco, New York, and Chicago already,” says Mr. Lorenza. “My vision is to have a fleet of ten thousand driverless trucks dispensing slizzurp in every city in America. My venture is currently designing algorithms that measure a city’s homeless population in real time. In a few years, driverless trucks piloted by algorithm will hunt down the homeless to give them slizzzurp. It’s going to be amazing.”

The internet is abuzz after retired Mexican drug capo Duro Contento resurfaced in Ibiza as a happy hardcore DJ. Pictures of the once feared butcher of Andalusia manning a DJ booth while wearing bright pink fun fur pants went viral on social media. Users struggled to make sense of the situation. “Duro Contento went from killing the innocent by the tens of thousands to killing the aesthetic sensibilities of people with good taste in music,” says music critic Horace Boucheron. “I’m not sure which is the greater atrocity, the time Mr. Contento’s thugs brutally raped and murdered an entire bus load of Catholic nuns, or the fact that he’s now subjecting the people of Ibiza to 1990s happy hardcore tracks. This man truly is evil, and it seems his cruelty has only gotten worse with age.”

Mr. Contento is best known for his murderous reign atop the legendary Los Gringos Tontos drug cartel, a multi billion dollar criminal enterprise that once had a monopoly on the North American monosaccharide trade. The American and Mexican government waged a long and bloody battle with the cartel, but were never able to stop it’s activities. In 2008 the organization mysteriously disbanded after Mr. Contento disappeared into the jungles of Mexico. His appearance at last week’s Pene Morbido rave marks the first time anyone has seen him in nearly a decade.

His actions at Pene Morbido only raises more questions, as the notorious capo-turned-DJ quickly vanished after playing his set. Why did he turn his back on organized crime? What has he been up to for ten years? Why has he become a happy hardcore DJ? We might never know the answers to these questions.

The promoters associated with the event are the only people who can shine a light on the mysteries surrounding Mr. Contento, but insist they didn’t know his true identity when they hired him. “He sent us some of his music over email and asked if he could play at our next party,” says organizer Raoul Esfinter. “We liked what he sent us, so we said sure. We don’t look into the backgrounds of our DJs, we didn’t ask any questions, the fact that he was a drug lord was something we only discovered after his picture went viral.”

Many party goers hope that this isn’t the last time we hear from Mr. Contento. “I know it’s terrible that he used to kill people by the thousands,” says 18 year old raver Carla Granbit, “but his set was so amazing that I think it evens out his karma. I really hope he’ll play more parties. We need more DJs like Duro Contento.”

San Francisco is a cultural powerhouse. It’s given the world steam beer, the mission burrito, and aids. It’s most recent contribution to human culture might be the most exciting, however. The men and women of the city by the bay have introduced a fun x-rated twist on the childhood classic game of Hot Potato.

For readers who grew up without friends, the game of hot potato is played by gathering in a circle with others and tossing an object around while a song plays in the background. Whoever is left holding the object at the end of the song loses. In San Francisco’s version of the game, which locals have dubbed Snot Potato, party goers are divided between spectators and players. The goal of the game is for players to place as many penises in their mouth as they can during the course of a single song, sucking on each penis as they move from spectator to spectator. Players who are on the receiving end of a semen explosion are declared Snot Potatos and are eliminated from the next round. The winner of Snot Potato gets to be at the centre of a bukkake ring while everyone chants the word “Cream Dip, Potato Chip!” over and over again.

This is the kind of cultural innovation only possible in a city like San Francisco. Snot Potato is their latest gift to the world, and the popularity of the game is only just beginning to rise. People have already started playing it in Houston, New York City, and Toronto. It’s only a matter of time before every city has an active Snot Potato scene, so get ready for the next big thing.

There’s a new movement afoot that believes the solution to climate change is giving the world a good shag. Literally. Ecosexuals claim that having sex with the planet is the only way to save the environment Thousands of men across the world are dropping their pants and slamming the ground with penises in the hope of healing the earth. Women are also getting into the act by creating phallic mounds out of dirt which they then mount. These practices might seem bizarre or even degenerate to normal people, but ecosexuals claim that by having sex with the planet, they’re helping saving the human race.

Perry Molson, founder of the American Ecosexual Alliance, claims that when humans engage in sexual intercourse with the planet, they unblock so-called planetary ley lines through which the earth’s emotional energies travel. “Climate change is caused by an imbalance in the planet’s chi,” says Mr. Molson. “You can unblock this chi with prodding ley lines your penis or by sucking them up with your vagina. This might sound absurd, but I’ve conducted dozens of studies with my students, and the evidence is conclusive. Mother Gaia is good need of some tender loving, and the more people join us in exploring the planet’s sexual needs and desires, the sooner we can put an end to climate change.”

In fact, it’s not just climate change that ecosexuals believe sexual congress with the planet can fix. “Every single planetary illness is caused by sexual frustration,” says ecosexual Randy Polanyi. “Acid rain, super volcanos, earth quakes, hurricanes, pollution, there’s not a single environmental illness that we can’t fix by fucking the planet good and hard. People might find that hard to believe, but they should keep an open mind. Just give it a shot. Dig a hole in the ground and have sex with it. Worst case scenario, you’ll get a little bit dirty. Best case? You’ll stop a hurricane from forming in the Atlantic.”

The cab industry has long struggled to attract female talent, but a new study coming out of Boston’s Sahne University, promises to change that fact. “We surveyed all the female cab drivers in America looking for things that they shared in common,” says lead researcher Dr. Horace Tyson. “We discovered that 85% of female cabbies had, at some point in their lives, a serious ketamine habit. That’s not a coincidence. We believe that frequent ketamine use does something to the female brain that makes women more interested in driving cabs.”

Dr. Tyson’s findings are preliminary, but the researcher hopes to launch follow-up studies to figure out exactly what’s going on. “If we’re right and ketamine is changing female brains to make them more interested in the cab driving industry, that hints that it might be possible to attract more women to the field by giving them ketamine.” The research envisions a future where Universities and trade schools hand out ketamine to women in an effort to turn them into cab drivers.

“And why stop at cab driving? Maybe there are other drugs we can give women to recruit them to other fields that are lop-sidedly male. Maybe we can increase the number of female coal minors and garbage disposal specialists if we start giving them opioids. Would taking LSD make women more interested in computer science? Hardcore drugs might be the key to ending gender differences in the workplace.”

Cardboard couture is about to take over the rave scene according to Rosie Pitoune, the legendary fashion designer who earned notoriety in the early 1990s when her patented Predictive Raver Fashion Algorithm correctly foresaw the rise of phat pants and fun fur.

“I was the first person to see the potential in phat pants, I made millions of dollars off of that bet, and it was all thanks to my secret algorithm,” says Ms. Pitoune. “Now my algorithm has informed me that cardboard is the future. You can already see it gaining popularity on the fringes of the rave scene. No matter which party you attend, you’ll bump into a young darling fashionista wearing a cardboard box, or maybe cardboard panties, or a cardboard hat. But make no mistake, every party now has at least one person wearing some cardboard couture.”

Ms. Pitoune predicts that within a few years, the vast majority of ravers will be wearing cardboard boxes. “Today it’s one person, next month it’s two, next year it’s fifty, and in three years it’s the entire dance floor,” says Ms. Pitoune. “Then something new will take it’s place. However, for a short time, cardboard will rule over the rave scene with a paper fist. Only losers will wear cotton. The real ravers will wrap themselves in beautiful beige cardboard, they’ll look like glorious homeless people waging a futile war against the harsh elements that are beating down upon this godforsaken world. The cardboard aesthetic era is upon us, and while it may not last forever, it will last for much longer than anyone anticipates.”

A new medical study has confirmed what many have long suspected — people who rave as teenagers are more likely to develop early onset dementia later in life. “Now that the first generation of ravers is over fifty, we’re starting to get a decent grip on the health cost of raving,” says lead researcher Dr. Jerome Pentout. “The numbers don’t lie, for every twenty raves you attend as a teenager, your likelihood of suffering from dementia in your fifties doubles. That’s just an average, the actual numbers vary depending on what kind of parties people have attended. Some music scenes are associated with worse health outcomes than others. Attending twenty psytrance parties, for example, triples your likelihood of dementia.”

It’s not the 1980s anymore, so your typical raver is middle aged. Medical professionals are increasingly forced to deal with rave related health issues. It’s gotten to the point that some Universities are now teaching classes on raver gerontology. “We need to understand the impact that massive drug use and repetitive techno music have on the human body,” says Professor Charles Waiver, who teachers raver biology at Boston University. “How does raving change the body? That’s a question we’re only starting to figure out, and unfortunately, early research is very alarming.”

Dr. Pentout believes that future studies will only corroborate what his research says about the serious health dangers posed by raving. “The fact is, kids who rave today are going to place unnecessary burdens on our healthcare system forty years from now,” says Dr. Pentout. “I think the government has a moral and financial obligation to place strict limits on raving given how deleterious techno parties are to society. At the very least, people who insist on raving shouldn’t have their healthcare subsidized by the rest of us. They’re the one’s who’ve decided to turn their brains into Swiss cheese. If they want to destroy their minds, that’s their choice, but we shouldn’t be forced to pay for their poor decisions.”

Helicopter parents keep pushing boundaries, and experts are starting to wonder if there’s ever going to be an end to the madness. In recent months, a new disastrous pattern has begun to emerge. Over protective parents, mostly concentrated in larger cities, have begun insisting on the right to watch their children lose their virginity. The controversial practice hasn’t just raised eyebrows, but legal concerns. One of the parents championing this intrusive movement, Layla Salo, claims that it’s just good parenting.

“There’s nothing indecent, unhealthy, or illegal about a parent wanting to make sure that their child’s first time is a success,” says Ms. Salo. “In a society as dangerous as ours, it’s important to make sure that our children are choosing the right partners and engaging in appropriate sexual behaviour that is neither risky nor crass. As a mother, I feel compelled to protect my son and my daughter from making sexual mistakes that can have severe repercussions on their lives. I think there’d be less unwanted pregnancies and less rape if more parents insisted on watching their kids have sex.”

Human rights lawyer Beaugard Beaubien doesn’t agree. “Frankly, I think what these overprotective parents are doing is a form of child abuse. Not only that, but it’s incredibly disgusting and invasive,” says Mr. Beaubien. “I think that we, as a society, have gone deeply off the rails if parents are not skulking about in the bedrooms of their children, watching them as they engage in sexual congress. That’s just wrong. It’s wrong and it’s disturbing and it needs to end.”

Ms. Salo disagrees. “No one can stop me from watching my children lose their virginity,” says Ms. Salo. “No one! It’s my right, my duty, and my obligation to ensure that my children lose their virginity in a healthy, appropriate manner.”

Jack Beaucheval, a Seattle Councilman, has put forward a motion that would legalize street defecation in the city in a nod to the growing political clout of the rave community. “Ravers are a distinct cultural group that have their own values, beliefs, and social mores,” says the Councilman. “This includes the belief that you should evacuate your bowels wherever you find yourself when nature calls. To hold it in is to deny Mother Nature her due.”

The practice of public defecation has been passed down among raver kind for countless generations. Many theologians believe that it’s a beautiful and harmonious practice that grounds its practitioners into the natural world, keeping them connected to the present moment. “If you ever travel to the raver capital of Berlin, you’ll find enormous stone statues of men and women engaged in public defecation,” says Rev. Joe Smith, a priest of the Mother Psytrance Tribe. “These statues were built to honor the cycle life. We consume nature, and then we expel nature, and then what we expel is consumed by nature, which produces new nature that we then consume in turn. It is a glorious circle of life. Shit isn’t dirty, it is wonderful, and must be celebrated. That is the way of the raver.”

Councilman Beaucheval believes that his motion to legalize public defecation will help better integrate the rave community into Seattle. “We’ve been penalizing ravers for far too long with laws that are, frankly, discriminatory,” says the Councilman. “The era of discrimination must end. It is time to embrace our raver neighbours and to familiarize ourselves with their mores and ways of life. If that means our sidewalks are going to be covered in human excrement, well then, that’s a small price to pay for being decent human beings.”

The Silicon Valley digerati are shocking the world with their newest social craze: licking each other’s assholes as a way of saying hello. “Hugging people, saying hi, that’s such a peasant thing to do,” says Houten Morrisburg, the billionaire founder of the furry social network Klopklop. “My friends in the Silicon Valley elite have helped popularize a more sophisticated kind of greeting, something that’ll separate us good wealthy smart people from the low class poor trash that consumes our products. Instead of doing something as gauche as shake a hand or utter a greeting, we pull down our pants and lick each other’s sphincters. It’s a very elegant, very intimate, very refined way of connecting with our friends.”

The American ruling class has even given a name to the practice. “We call it the Silicon Valley handshake,” says New York journalist Ross Childers. “I’m a trust fund kid from a very wealthy family, which makes me a good person and gives a lot of moral weight to my opinions. That’s why when I say the Silicon Valley handshake is superior to peasant greetings, you know I’m saying the truth. Every last journalist New York city has abandonned the high-five, the hello, the kiss on the cheek, and the hug. We all exclusively greet each other with the Silicon Valley handshake. You know you’re a better class of person when you’ve tasted all of your friend’s taints.”

Common people have not been enthusiastic about adopting the Silicon Valley handshake. “Just because rich people are licking each other’s assholes doesn’t mean I need to,” says Laticia Jonson, a high school teacher from Pittsburgh. “I don’t get why rich people do weird things like this. Are they so insecure about their place in the world that they have to constantly find new shit to do that’ll separate them from the rest of us? It’s just so tiring at this point. We get it, you’re rich, you think you’re better than the rest of us. But now you’re just embarrassing yourselves.”

Some researchers fear that if the working class stops trying to emulate the ruling class, revolutions can’t be far behind. “Historically, poor people in socially cohesive societies try to emulate the habits and behaviours of the rich,” says Dr. Diana Anais, a researcher at the Fulton Urban Studies Center. “The moment the poor stop trying to emulate the rich is the moment the rich should start fearing for their safety. If the Silicon Valley handshake doesn’t take off among your average American, then it might not be long before Silicon Valley titans are being hunted for sport by angry working class mobs.”

Silicon Valley tycoons, for their part, don’t want normal people to adopt their new handshake. “I think everyone in the Silicon Valley elite agrees with me when I say poor people deserve to die,” says Houten. “We can’t build a better world until we’ve cleansed it of all the filth. Now if you excuse me, I’ve got to go say hello to my mother.”