Harvey Comet, a 34 year old mechanic from St-Henri, was arrested Saturday after motorboating a woman to death at club Chez Saloperie. Motorboating is the act of smothering a person’s face with your breasts. “Harvey got carried away, and before he knew it, his victim had suffocated to death between his luscious man titties,” says club owner Carl Gustav. “It’s a real tragedy. I don’t think he was intentionally trying to kill her. I mean, who doesn’t love to have their faces smothered by a giant fat man’s ample bosom? At least the woman died a comfortable death surrounded by sensuous and deeply erotic man meat.”

The police aren’t quite as forgiving, however. “Men need to realize that their breasts are dangerous weapons,” says Lt. Casey Jones of the SPVM. “Guns don’t kill people, titties do. You got to keep your man mounds hidden from sight, otherwise you run the risk of killing someone with them. This isn’t the first time a woman died by motor boating, and it won’t be the last time. The Montreal police department takes incidents like this very seriously, and we ask the men of our fair city to think twice before they attack someone with their tits.”

Many men in Montreal disagree with the police. “Breasts don’t kill people, people kill people,” says Larry Gunther, a stripper at Les Hommes Nues. “I mean, yes women might die by being motorboated by a man with an ample chest, but what about women who kill men with their feminine wiles? Lady parts kill just as many people as man boobs do, but you don’t hear the police admonishing women for having evil sexy bodies. It’s a double standard. Our society still has a lot of work to do when it comes to social equality. Free the man boob!”

Henry Sharks, the millionaire owner of the famous lingerie firm Lartencia, denies allegations that he used his political influence to expel a man from the country. “The accusations are meritless and a smear on my good name,” says Henry. “What happened is very simple. My son was viciously attacked by an immigrant at a rave, he called the police, and the wheels of justice determined that his crime rendered him unfit for Canadian citizenship.”

Witnesses of the altercation between Lui Rael, the alleged attacker, and Henry’s son Donovan Sharks, claim otherwise. “Donovan started the fight after Lui bumped into him on his way to the washroom,” says 23 year old party kid Vanessa Bouteille. “Lui apologized, but that wasn’t enough for Donovan, who decided to sucker punch him. Donovan then pushed Lui to the ground and kicked him repeatedly. When the police arrived to break up the fight, they ended up arresting Lui instead of Donovan. It’s awful.”

Vanessa believes the police knew that Donovan was the son of a very rich man, and decided to go easy on him. Civil rights activists Derrick Bronson agrees. “Henry did everything in his power to frame Lui for attacking his son, even though all the evidence and witnesses say it was the other way around,” says Derrick. “We like to think that justice is blind in Canada, but it isn’t. Our legal system protects the rich and the powerful while punishing the vulnerable and at risk. When you have a bottomless bank account, you can get a man your son attacked at a club kicked out of the country.”

Head’s are turning across the city as an increasing number of men take to the streets wearing nothing but their birthday suits and a pair of flashy red heels. “It’s the latest thing to hit the fashion world,” says designer Harley Bogota. “2015 was the year of shitty pink haircuts and obnoxious politics, and thank god it’s over because 2016 is going to be glorious!”

More and more men are sick and tired of feminist outrage culture and have decided that women just aren’t worth the hassle, so they’re embracing full blown homosexuality, and like anyone that walks out of the closet for the first time, they’ve decided to be as fabulous as possible — and they’re doing that by working out, getting fit, and walking around everywhere naked except for a pair of red high heels.

“We call ourselves the heelies,” says 19 year old runway model Chad Gibbons. “We wear heels as an act of defiance because we’re tired of bourgeois middle class feminists walking all over us. Feminism has been thoroughly captured by neoliberal capitalists. The ruling class are using gullible young women to attack working class men. Feminism in the English world is now dominated by journalists who work for mega-corporations. The feminists themselves always minimize or ignore class issues. They’ve successfully turned Marxism on its head and have constructed a political framework where the working class are now the oppressors of the bourgeoisie. If you’re a man, there’s no point caring about women. They’ve joined the dark side. They’re now agents of the ruling class, and their only interest is in destroying you so that the rich and powerful can stay rich and powerful. Right now, if you’re a guy under 25 and you’re not a millionaire, you’ll be much happier sucking cock than ploughing pussy. And the fact is, men can be sexy as fuck when they take of their clothes.”

Other heelies agree. “One of the best things about going gay is that you don’t have to put up with women,” says 28 year old banker Jordan Brown. “There’s so much less bullshit to put up with when you embrace homosexuality. Seriously, in a world where misandry is fashionable, why the hell would you want to sleep with a woman? Take off your clothe, slap on some red heels, and join the revolution. Heelies love men, unlike your average 25 year old woman. And we give way better blow jobs than they do.”

Event organizers for Montreal’s yearly Mange Ma Plotte rave extravaganza are scrambling to replace DJ Khalizino, their headlining act, after he failed to get on his flight out of South Africa over the weekend. “Khalizino hustled us,” says promoter Kaillou Unkoudepoin. “I don’t think he ever intended to get on that plane. He took our booking money and he ran like a dog.”

Kaillou says that although the situation wasn’t ideal, he and his partners have managed to find a replacement for the no-show DJ. “We were lucky to book Grasswhistle, an Amish dubstep genius from Vermont,” says Kaillou. “We understand that party goers are disappointed that Khalizino won’t be playing at our show, but we believe that Mange Ma Plotte will benefit far more from having an honest DJ play instead of a greedy thief. At the end of the day, Grasswhistle respects his audience, while the only thing Khalizino cares about is filthy lucre. Who do you want to entrust your raving experience with: someone who loves music or someone who loves money?”

This isn’t the first time a DJ who has hustled promoters out of their hard won cash says lawyer Randolph Goodings, a man who has built his career on rave related legal cases. “Promoters who don’t want to get cheated by their talent should put their payment in escrow. It’s common sense, especially when dealing wit DJs. Who trusts a DJ? No one does. They’re about as reliable as a whore on bath salts.”

DJ Grasswhistle agrees. “I’m completely irresponsible and so is every DJ I’ve ever met,” says the Amish dubstep genius. “If you put your trust in a DJ, you deserve what’s coming to you.”

Police are telling wealthy millionaires to be on the look out for crazy feminists at night clubs. “There’s a new gang in town, and they’re robbing all the rich bastards who are stupid enough to spend time at night clubs,” says Montreal police chief Wiggan Pierre. “The gang calls itself the Ballcutters, and they’re as ruthless as they are sexy. And they’re really sexy, especially for feminists, who usually aren’t that sexy at all. These ladies have tits and ass that are out of this world. The kind that make ugly feminists angry at men who won’t objectify them the way they’ll objectify the Ballcutters Gang.”

Police say that the Ballcutters scour Montreal’s club scene looking for easy marks to rob for fun and profit. “They seduce millionaires with their feminine wiles,” says Chief Pierre. “These millionaires go to clubs thinking they’ll impress women with their wealth, but little do they know that they’re not the predators, they’re the prey.”

On one occasion, two Ballcutters ran off with over $750,000 worth of art and jewelry from an unlucky millionaire they met at Club Wetropolis. “Their victim brought them up to his downtown penthouse, where he tried to impress the Ballcutters with his fabulous wealth. In the end, all he did was show them exactly what to steal.”

Few people are sympathetic with the Ballcutters victims, even anti-feminists find themselves looking up to the gang. “One of the biggest issues I have with modern feminists is that they really fail at class issues,” says 24 year old bodybuilder Fernando Gelato. “So I’m happy to see that there are some feminists out there who realize that rich men and poor men aren’t exactly on the same level. I still bet they treat all men like shit, which seems to be what modern feminism is all about, but I give them props for fucking with rich assholes at night clubs. Keep it up, ladies, and you might finally get men to accept that feminism isn’t about massaging the egos of middle class white women.”

Police are asking male millionaires not to bring home any strange women they meet at clubs. “Seriously, if you’re rich, you shouldn’t be meeting women at clubs anyways,” says Chief Pierre. “Go meet them at art galleries or horse races or on yatchs and shit. Clubs are tacky as hell. Poor people go to them because their lives suck. If you’re a millionaire and you go to clubs, you’re a loser and you need to reconsider what you’re doing with your life.”

Police made dozens of arrests after a riot broke out at a Mile End rave on Saturday. “Party goers were upset at the fact that the promoter didn’t have any friend chicken for sale,” says Sgt. Larry Batista of the SPVM. “They got upset and started attacking everyone and everything in sight.”

It’s not the first time the lack of fried chicken caused a riot in Montreal, and it won’t be the last warns poultryologist Kieff Urban. “Ravers have grown addicted to fried chicken. They expect promoters to have some at their parties. Events that lack chicken cause these ravers to enter into withdrawal, which leads them to engage in acts of wanton violence. Honestly, it’s not the ravers fault they rioted, it’s the fault of the promoters for not doing better job of ensuring they had fried chicken on hand at their parties.”

Promoter John Pogo agrees. “Only amateurs forget to bring fried chicken to their events,” says John. “I mean, that’s some basic Raving 101 shit right there. All raves need glowsticks, whistles, MDMA, and fried chicken. Those are the four basic raving food groups. You learn that on your first bloody day at rave school. I wish the province of Quebec would make it mandatory for promoters to get certified by The Ethical Raving Foundation before they could throw parties. A weekend class on the basics of throwing raves would have been enough to prevent this riot.”

Kieff agrees. “Fried chicken is serious business,” says Kieff. “Rave promoters who don’t respect the role of chicken in raving are putting lives at risk. The government needs to step in and ensure that promoters realize the importance of having an adequate supply of fried chicken at their events. It’s just common sense. ”

Hundreds of ravers have set up a protest camp in the heart of Montreal’s nightlife district in an effort to pressure party promoters into setting up glory holes at all future parties. “It’s 2016, and it’s time for promoters to get on the right side of history,” says degenerate Charlie Kennison. “And the right side of history is the one where glory holes are plentiful and ubiquitous. A rave without a place to park your penis is retrograde and conservative, something straight out of the dark ages. How can you claim to be a morally progressive event organizer if you’re against glory holes?”

Event organizers say they’re not against glory holes, but they’re not interested in breaking the law. “Right now, it’s illegal to give blow jobs to strangers in venues that are open to the public,” says promoter Jessica Lansbury. “The event organizer community agrees with ravers that it’s time for us to make anonymous blow jobs mainstream, however we want to achieve this goal through the appropriate political channels. The ballot box, not civil disobedience, is the key to creating a thoroughly degenerate society where no one has any sexual standards.”

Political scientists agree. “Concordia has an entire department dedicated to studying the ethics of glory holes,” says urbanologist Gon Dufar. “According to our research, the best way to destroy the moral fabric of a society is through incremental steps. Societies that have successfully transitioned to pro-glory hole cultures have done so through political efforts. Protesting and civil disobedience campaigns are counter productive. The best way to get the public to embrace the glory hole is by getting politicians to embrace it. Culture is downstream from politics, and so if you want a random person to wrap their lips around your dick, you got to email your politicians and tell them that you won’t vote for them unless they’re pro glory hole.”

Ravers say they’re open to Gon Dufar’s ideas, but that they won’t leave the camps just yet. “I think we’ll only stop protesting if the event organizers go down on us,” says Charlie. “Then we’ll pack up and go home. If we don’t get blow jobs from promoters, then we’ll keep promoting.”

Ravers at The Gaping Hole psytrance spent the entire night dancing on the body of a man who had choked to to death on his own vomit, police say. “A 24 year old male overdosed on bath salts at the party and no one noticed,” says Sgt. Leonard Batista of the SPVM. “They just danced on top of his corpse like it wasn’t even there.”

Raveologist Jenny Grossknaucker says that what happened wasn’t unusual for ravers. “It’s very common actually,” says Jenny. “Once ravers enter the dancing state, which their sacred rave bible calls the hooblah state, it’s like they lose track of the world around them. They become one with the music, and their capacity to deal with the cold and brutal realities around them simply evaporates. We can’t blame the ravers for their callousness anymore than we can blame a skunk for being stinky. That’s just the way the raver god, Skrillos, made them. If we cast aspersions to ravers for following the ways of Skrillos, we’ll have failed to uphold Canada’s pluralistic liberalism, so I hope everyone calms down and realizes that what happened at The Gaping Hole isn’t a big deal.”

Gary Godwin, one of the Gaping Hole ravers, says that everyone was horrified when the music stopped. “We were really shocked to realize that we had spent the better part of a night dancing on top of someone’s corpse,” says Gary. “By the time we were finished, his body had been thoroughly crushed to pieces. There was blood and guts and faeces and shards of bone all over the dance floor. It was disgusting. I can’t believe no one noticed. That’s the power of Skrillos for you. praise be unto the one true god of techno, lord of sick beats and great drugs.”

Sgt. Batista says that no one will be charged with any crime. “Ravers will be ravers,” says Sgt. Batista. “And sometimes that means they’ll dance on top of a corpse until it’s been crushed to a pulp. And that’s okay. We’re a multicultural society, we need to accept the ways of Skrillos as simply being another variant of the human experience.”

Students from Harvard are congregating in Montreal over the weekend in an attempt to bring American social justice to Quebec. “Everywhere in the world, white homeless men are oppressing the ruling class,” says Harvard alum Theodore Von Richmond the 3rd. “At Harvard, we realize that class privilege isn’t real, a message that French feminists in Quebec have yet to realize. That’s why we’re coming here to anglicize our wayward sisters who have embraced a false image of feminism, an image that claims that white homeless men aren’t oppressing rich people. This simply cannot stand!”

Journalists across America have spent the last decade delegitimizing the anger of the poor and the working class by reframing everything in terms of gender and racial identities, says bourgeois anglochauvinist Chad Whitwaker. “After the 2008 recession, us rich people realized we were at risk of being violently murdered by all the working class folk whose lives we ruined,” says Chad. “That’s why we popularized a brand of feminism that reduces, minimizes, and ignores class privilege and financial issues. Have you ever noticed how all the people who talk about safe spaces for the oppressed never talk about creating safe spaces for the working class? Or how journalists who prattle about increasing diversity in the media never say we should add more working class voices? This is all part of our plan. We want to minimize and erase class and financial issues in order to protect our own privilege.”

Websites like Buzzfeed, Salon, and Gawker have all excelled in alienating the working class. “We invented a word, brocialism, to refer to anyone who challenges the idea that bourgeois women are oppressed by homeless men,” says Chad. “English feminists have basically flipped marxism on its head. In the past, the bourgeois were the oppressors of the working class, but thanks to the brand of feminism being taught at Universities like Harvard and Columbia, and then disseminated through middle class progressive news outlets, today it’s increasingly common for bourgeois people to claim they’re being oppressed by the workers. We’ve inverted Marxism!”

Unfortunately for Chad, French feminists in Quebec are still dedicated to the age old idea that class matters.

“It’s very frustrating, because bourgeois feminists have succeeded in colonizing most of the Western world,” says Chad. “But our efforts to turn French feminism into something that’s hostile to the working class has yet to succeed. That’s why Harvard students have come to Quebec. It’s important for the ruling class to crush any variety of feminism that doesn’t believe bourgeois women are victims of evil homeless men.”

Harvard students will be brainwashing feminists into hating the working class all week long at the Heralden Hotel on Sherbrooke. If you’re a rich white woman from Westmount who would like to blame poor people for oppressing you, they’ll be happy to talk with you.

Les Bourgeois Nues, Montreal’s newest club, is making waves online thanks to its controversial entrance fee: you can only get in if you give the bouncer a naked selfie of yourself. “We’re creating an environment that’s hostile to anyone who isn’t a self-confident whore,” says club owner Patrice Groskouille. “The success of a club depends on the clientele it attracts, and we wanted to attract people who are easy, sexy, and flirty. If you don’t have the courage to show your goods at the door, you don’t belong at Les Bourgeois Nues. It’s that simple.”

Many party goers love the club’s exclusivity. “The nude selfie requirement guarantees that you’re not going to have any boring wallflowers,” says 19 year old cock tease Jenna Moore. “Everyone at Les Bourgeois Nues is comfortable with getting naked at the drop of the hat. We’re all comfortable in our bodies. We all know how to socialize. None of us are awkward. None of us are thirsty for human touch. It’s like clubbing without the desperation, it’s wonderful.”

Not everyone shares Jenna’s enthusiasm. “Our society continues down this path of complete hedonism,” says 23 year old Catholic traditionalist Geoffrey Leroy. “Right now, the only way to be counter-culture is to be modest, to love your family, to value your heritage, and to believe in something greater than yourself. Our society has fallen so far, so fast, that being conservative is becoming forbidden. When teenagers have to read the bible like they’re breaking society’s taboos, you know that our society is on the verge of collapse. We have a couple more decades before western civilization falls in on itself. This club? It’s just another step on our path to total annihilation. Enjoy your bacchanalias, you pagan whores, because the end is nigh!”

Dozens of angry ravers attacked party promoter Jonathan Hedwig on Saturday after he refused to give them a refund. “It was a free party!” says Jonathan. “They didn’t even pay to get in. The music was free, the venue was free, we even had free water bottles for everyone. Everything was free!”

One of the ravers who assaulted Jonathan say that even though they didn’t pay to get in, they did spend their time at the event, and time is money. “The party was so bloody boring, I should have stayed home and worked on creating new business products” says 19 year old pornographer Stanley Winebaum. “Every hour I spent at that stupid free party was an hour I could have spent selling pornography online. I was robbed by that free party of future profits, and I want those profits back.”

Other ravers agree. “There’s no such thing as a free party,” claims 21 year old psychopath Hayley Kimet. “If we’re not paying with money, than we’re paying with our time. The way I see it, ravers at free parties are unpaid servants of the promoters. We’re engaging in emotional labour by creating a pleasant environment that people enjoy being in. We should be paid for that emotional labour. It’s time for promoters to stop taking our work as ravers for granted.”

Hayley said she knows she’s right, because she’s read similar arguments on The London Shield, a popular newspaper in the United Kingdom commonly read by idiots with liberal art degrees. “Journalists at the London Shield claim that people should be paid for emotional labour, like the kind of work your mom does cooking turkey on Christmas and shit. Well, we say ravers at free parties are engaging in emotional labour. We want our money! Pay us promoters! We’re done raving for free. Give us our shekels!”