Pornstep DJ Alfonso Carlton, who goes by the stage name Kameltoze, has been nominated for a Nobel peace prize. Talented maestro of pornographic beats changed the world with his erotically charged music, which has been scientifically proven to dampen the violent desires of those who listen to it. Mr. Carlton received wide acclaim after the American government wrapped up the war in Syria by blasting out his music on the battlefield. Soldiers, overcome with emotion, put down their arms and took out their genitals.

“Kameltoze set out to make music that got men hard and women wet, but in the end he accomplished so much more than that,” says Dr. Filbert Wagamama, a researcher at the Sound Conflict Institute. “His music reaches down into the primal parts of the human soul, and unleashes the inner goodness that exists in all of us. He’s accomplished what diplomats throughout history have repeatedly failed to do — he’s put an end to war. It’s impossible to attack someone while listening to the Kameltoze’s pornstep anthems.”

It’s impossible to overstate the influence that Kameltoze has had on world affairs. Every single nation has begun studying his music, trying to unlock the mysteries that are contained within it. “Right now, we don’t know why Kameltoze’s music does what it does,” says Dr. Wagamama. “So governments around the world are spending hundreds of billions of dollars trying to unlock it’s mysteries.”

Experts agree, no matter what happens in the future, no one has ever deserved a Nobel peace prize as much as Mr. Carlton. “He’s basically an angel,” says Dr. Wagamama.

Sologamy, the practice of marrying yourself, has seen an explosion in popularity across America. Growing numbers of people are giving up on dating and marriage, and choosing instead to marry themselves in elaborate and slightly absurd ceremonies that thumb their noses at the very idea of holy matrimony.

Experts like Dr. Ruth Vader predict that nearly 60% of Americans will have dropped out of the mating game by 2025. “In the future, most marriages will be sologamous in nature,” says Dr. Vader. “The trend lines are very clear. People aren’t having as much sex anymore, they’re not dating as much, they’re not socializing as much, and they’re not marrying as much. Our society is becoming increasingly narccisistic, and there’s no sign of this changing. Get used to a childless future of deracinated, uprooted atoms who have no ties to their communities or neighbours. Instead, the only meaningful relationship most people in the future will have is the one with the person they see in their mirror, and it’s going to be a pretty shitty relationship.”

Sologamists like Matt Perrier are undeterred by nay sayers. “Love is a total fraud,” says Mr. Perrier. “I used to spend all my time on Tinder and various dating apps, trying to find someone I could marry and start a family with, but instead all I found was a deep sense of disappointment in the human race. I was so happy to discover that other misanthropes had pioneered the practice of sologamy, and decided to try my own hand at living a sologamous life. It was the best decision I ever made.”

Mr. Perrier had a sologamous wedding on a beach off the coast of California. “I didn’t bother inviting anyone. There was no priest, no bride, no bridesmaids, no annoying guests. It was just me and the great blue sea. I made a vow to myself to never share my heart with another living soul, then I drank half a bottle of vodka and passed out for a couple hours. It was a deeply spiritual experience.” Mr. Perrier says that since marrying himself, his life has never been better. “I spend all my money on video games, sex dolls, and miniature crocodile replicas. If I had a wife or a girlfriend, I’d have so many obligations and I’d be expected to spend my money more responsibly. Where’s the fun in that?”

Montreal’s DJ Sighspreader has gone into hiding after a mob of teenager Tumblr users accused him of pimping out his girlfriend for ketamine. “DJ Sighspreader is a total pig,” says Tumblr user StalinistSexBomb. “I was at one of his parties in Verdun when I took a video of him trading his girlfriend for a bump of k. That’s not alright. That’s not cool. That’s the kind of thing that gives raving a bad name. I felt duty bound to post my video online.”

The video of Sighspreader’s pimp game went viral, leading to tens of thousands of angry teenagers to threaten the man with death and worse. “Sighspreader needs to pay,” says one anonymous Tumblr user. “We need to make an example of him so that other DJs know that it’s not okay to sell their girlfriends for a bit of ketamine. Like, if they’re going to force their loved ones into prostitution in order to fuel their drug habit, than they should at least be demanding better drugs. Cocaine or DMT or maybe something exotic like ayuhasca. I can understand pimping out your girlfriend for something like that, but ketamine? That’s just insulting. Women are worth more than that, I mean, they’re at least worth four tabs of really good acid, like the real shit that Timothy Leary used to make.”

DJ Sighspreader says he’s very sorry for his actions. “I admit, I should have asked for something better than ketamine,” says the DJ. “That was short sighted of me, it wasn’t respectful, it was really kind of misogynistic. I admit that. In the future, I’ll be sure that to only trade my girlfriend for high quality drugs, the kind that better reflect her intrinsic value as a human being, the kind of drugs that affirm the essential dignity that everyone possesses.” The DJ is looking forward to returning to public life and hopes the current furor dies down soon.

Women across America are painting vulvas on their fingernails, and the trend doesn’t seem like it’ll stop anytime soon. “I was just looking down at my hands one day and thought, you know what? I think my fingernails would look way better if I painted vulvas on them,” says 19 year old gender studies student and vagina fingernail enthusiast. Clarice Lecter. “So I painted a big beautiful rainbow coloured vulva on my nails, and wow, my life hasn’t been the same since!”

Clarice says that shortly after she made her fingernails into tiny little vulva art galleries, she was given a high paying Wallstreet job. “And the guy who hired me said it was entirely because of my vulva paintings,” says Clarice. “I think vagina nails give women a real leg up in today’s competitive job market.”

Teddy Rushpin, a human resource analyst at McBossom Consulting Firm, agrees. “In today’s hyper competitive business environment, you really need to stand out in order to make a good living. Debasing yourself by painting genitals on your fingernails shows potential employers that you’ve got really humiliation thresholds and will likely put up with pretty much any behaviour they throw at you. That kind of tolerance for humiliation is really in demand right now.”

Houten Morrisburg, billionaire founder of the furry social network Klopklop, agrees. “I’m always looking for employees who have no self-respect,” says Mr. Morrisburg. “And the same goes for every single Silicon Valley tycoon out there. Nothing is more appealing to us than an employee who has no dignity. You show up to a job interview with vaginas painted on your fingernails, and you’re getting hired.”

Thanks to the increase in market value that women with vagina nails experience, don’t expect the trend to die out. “Vagina nails will remain in vogue for as long as bosses prefer employees with a high tolerance for public humiliation,” says Mr. Rushpin. “Count on it.”

Scientists have finally put to rest a controversy that has roiled the rave community since it’s inception: yes, girls can in fact DJ. The Institute for Resolute Research has spent millions of dollars investigating the matter over the last fifteen years, and now Dr. Kubel Kobble, the head researcher for it’s Gender Equity In Musical Entropy program, has finally published the long awaited results of their work.

“Our study proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that girls can DJ,” says scientist Dr. Kobble. “The numbers are overwhelming, the results are conclusive. The scientists at the I.R.R consider the matter settled. The debates can now end. Women, like men, are capable of putting CDs into CDJs and pretending that they’re artists. They can also put records into record players, and take them out of record players, all while twisting knobs and pushing buttons. All genders are capable of pretending that they are talented even when they’re not. In fact, our study shows that nearly any mammal of any gender is capable of being a DJ. Dogs, cats, monkeys, armadillos. If it has a pulse, it can DJ. Hell, I’m pretty sure if you replaced a human DJ at a party with a mechanical hammer that randomly smashed into things, no one would be able to tell the difference.”

Chad McChaderston, one of New York City’s most prominent misogynistic ravers, denounced the study. “It’s bullshit! Women can’t DJ! I don’t care what the study says,” says Mr. McChaderston. “If you can’t grow hair on your chest, you can’t be a DJ. A manly beard is one of the key ingredients to being a good DJ. And I mean a manly man beard, not one of those effeminate hipster beards that soy drinking cosmopolitans pay hundreds of dollars to groom. No, you need a majestic unkempt beard that birds build nests in to be a DJ. The kind of beard that radiates testosterone to the point that woman orgasm simply by being in the same room as that beard. If you don’t have a beard, you’re not a DJ. That’s a raver fact, and you can quote me on that.”

Dr. Kobbel is baffled by the resistance his research is having in some corners of the rave community. “The numbers don’t lie. It’s not a conspiracy. Women can DJ. So can kangaroos, penguins, baby seals, even certain species of exotic spiders.”

Doctors at Toronto’s Tademard Medical Research Clinic are baffled by a young woman’s incredibly absurd medical condition. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” says Dr. Jarvis Bonsecour. “She keeps slamming her face into her boyfriend’s fist over and over again. It doesn’t matter where she is, or what they’re doing, sooner or later, her face will contact his fist. Repeatedly.”

The young woman was referred to the clinic after she ran her car into the police station where her boyfriend was being held on domestic assault charges. “She drove her car right through the front of the station and into the holding cell where we had placed her boyfriend,” says Sgt. Paul Vrai of the Toronto Special Victims Unit. “She then jumped out of the car and started repeatedly slamming her face into his fist. Actually, that’s not quite accurate. His hands weren’t in a fist when she jumped out of the car — she grabbed his open hand, closed it and made it into a fist, and then slammed her face into it over and over again. When several of our officers saw that, we knew we weren’t dealing with a normal case of domestic violence. This woman clearly needed help.”

Doctors still aren’t sure why the woman feels compelled to slam her face into her boyfriend's fist. “It’s a mystery,” says Dr. Bonsecours. “We have to keep her tied to her bed, otherwise she’ll steal a car, hunt her boyfriend down, and start violently shoving her face into his fist. He could be at work, he could in the washroom, he could be on a rollercoaster, it doesn’t matter where he is. She’ll find him and she'll turn her beautiful face into a patchwork of bruises using his hands."

Dr. Bonsecours hopes that the woman will learn that physically harming herself with her boyfriend’s fist is unhealthy. “We’ve put her on a gluten free diet, which we think will really help with her self-destructive impulses. If that doesn’t work, the next step is to put her through a rigorous round of Freudian psychoanalysis. Finally, if we don’t see any improvement through gluten therapy or psychoanalysis, we’ll bring in an accredited priest who will perform a medical exorcism. The last option requires state of the art prayer beads and state regulated holy water. It’s very intense so we try to avoid it, but sometimes nothing else seems to work.”

Sgt. Paul Vrai hopes that the young woman is successful in her treatment. "Everyone should treat themselves with love and dignity," says Sgt. Vrai. "It's just terrible when young people feel the need to hurt themselves like that."

Blue waffle disease, a venereal infection that causes female genitalia to become engorged until it looks like a nightmarish morning snack, has spread across the city of Boston. Doctors now say that four out of five Bostonian women under thirty currently suffer from the illness. “I blame our Universities,” says Dr. Rael Medsin of the Boston Cream Medical Alliance. “The campus culture in Boston has encouraged a generation of young people to act like total degenerate whores. These young men and women have no conception of personal responsibility, safety, or risk. They live their lives with no thought of tomorrow, screwing anything with a pulse. As result, formerly exotic sexually transmitted diseases have now become widespread. Thank god smallpox wasn’t an STD, otherwise Boston would be a graveyard.”

City health officials believe it’s too late to stop the disease from spreading. “Boston has reached a tipping point in degeneracy that can’t be stopped,” says Dr. Alberto Otrebla of the New England Institute for Statistical Analysis of Facts And Numbers. “As a scientist, I understand data points and that things that tip them, and the numbers don’t lie. The point of total sexual degeneracy has been tipped, and now an irreversible cascade is taking place. Boston is facing a sexual crisis that it cannot win. Every woman in the city will soon have blue waffle disease, and every male will be a secret carrier of the illness. The only hope for Massachussett’s is to quarantine the entire city and sterilize the population.”

Unsurprisingly, few residents approve of Dr. Otrebla’s plan for the city. Many women afflicted with the condition have fought back against the idea that blue waffle disease is worth curing, some of them even embrace the condition as a sign of female empowerment. “There’s no shame in having an STD that makes your vagina look like a giant blue waffle,” says Mercedes Fourier, a student at Pringleton University. “The medical establishment profits from controlling female sexuality, and it’s trying to shame women with blue waffle disease into thinking that they’re now somehow damaged goods. The problem isn’t with those of us who have a contagious illness, it’s with health-typical people who think every illness needs to be cured. Blue waffle disease doesn’t need to be cured, but blue waffle stigma does. We don’t need medicine or drugs, we need to teach men to respect the waffle.”

September is here! It’s the beginning of the school year and it was a Friday night so what could possibly go wrong? Let me tell you that your local rave organiser brought teenagers to a strip club and one even as young as 15 years old. This all happened on the same night as “Villa Paradizo 2017” a large attraction for underage pseudo ravers along with the attribution of commercialized rave culture from the scene being exploited. It sucked so bad needless to say.

The whole squad ditched the horrible event and what else could they do? All the bars on crescent were over capacity and carding everyone. The squad consisted of Anthony Lasalle an infamous organizer, 15 year old Katie and 18 year old Erin. Anthony Lasalle is known to be in his thirties or rumour has it he’s much older than he claims. “Strip clubs don’t card and even my legal adult friend didn’t have her ID” says Anthony defensively to our reporter. It was very kind of him to treat his friends to some contact dances nonetheless. An exotic petite bubbly dancer named Ivy swiftly came up to them offering her time and service. The dancer was a sweetheart and decided to give free lap dances to the girls, but not to Anthony.

Anthony and all the girls went the VIP room. Ivy stripped off her sheer one piece of lingerie to get fully nude. She began to molest and grind everyone shaking her jiggly bum to the beat. Innocent Katie didn’t want to touch Ivy, but Anthony insisted and guided her hand to grope her curvy parts. Ivy really was moaning super loud probably because she was so turned on. The girls were cheering for her and worshipping her beauty. Erin accidentally fingered Ivy, but she didn’t care. Anthony sucked on her nipple once and she told him to stop immediately. Time was up, Erin blurted out that Katie was 15 and all was chill.

The manager of the club came up to Katie and Erin and offered them work as dancers knowing their age. Strip clubs are a shady business and how do they get away with not getting busted by the cops? The house makes so much money from hiring underage dancers that they bribe the SPVM to stay out of legal trouble. Not to mention, crooked cops like the fantasy of young girls working there. “I just want to make it rain cash.” says naïve Katie and Erin sheepishly agrees. It’s a mutual justice scenario. The true predator here is Anthony Lasalle for lying about how old he is. Honesty is the best policy and the system is corrupt. Fuck Anthony Lasalle.