A brown bear broke out of its cage at a nature themed party on Saturday, mauling several young adults who are now in critical condition. Police arrested promoter Todd Biddleman on charges of animal cruelty.

This isn’t the first time Mr. Biddleman has been arrested on rave related charges. The promoter is notorious for organizing dangerous parties. His latest event, The Bare Your Booty To Bears Party, took place at a farm on the outskirts of Montreal. Mr. Biddleman had procured half a dozen bears, which he had locked in cages for the event.

“The idea was to party hard with a bunch of bears,” says party goer Melissa Catharsis. “And for the first hour, it was a lot of fun, but the bears became increasingly agitated. They were growling at the ravers incessantly from inside their cage, and pawing hard against the walls of their iron prisons . They didn’t look happy at all about being stuck in a room full of hipsters dancing to loud music."

Police say that one of the cages hadn't been properly secured. “One of the bears managed to free itself,” says Sgt. Robert Teralta of the SPVM. “Once the bear was loose, it began mauling ravers left and right."

Bear-on-raver violence isn’t unheard of, says animologist Turin Shard . “It’s a little known fact, but bears have been preying on ravers ever since the first DJ dropped a beat decades ago. Bears love to feast on the flesh of EDM fans. They can’t help it — bears are genetically hardwired to prey on techno enthusiasts. I don’t think this incident was an accident. I think Todd Biddleman knew what he was doing. He realized that one of these bears would break out and kill people. It’s a case of murder-by-bear."

Todd denies the charge. “I just thought it’d be funny if my party took place in a room full of caged bears,” says Todd. “If i had known that those beasts craved raver meat, I never would have thrown my Bare Your Booty To Bears party. I’m guilty of being stupid and irresponsible, but that’s it."

John Feinbaum, president of the Canadian Centre For Humane Science, kicked up a hornet’s nest yesterday at a charity gala when he suggested it was time to reconsider the morality of human testing.

“I stand by what I said,” says John. "I believe that medical research would grow by leaps and bounds if we eradicated certain legal restrictions on human testing. I don’t think we should experiment on everyone, just people who don’t contribute anything to society. Namely criminals, the children of the rich and famous, and ravers."

John says that if experimenting on certain people was made legal, we could have a cure for aids within a decade. “Imagine how much more we could learn about aids if we were allowed to experiment on ravers with impunity? We could inject them with aids and then engage in all manners of experiments that are currently off-limits to scientists. Ravers are worthless as human beings, but their biology is priceless."

Ethicists agree that experimenting on ravers, criminals, and the children of the rich and famous is a morally sound idea. “Not all human beings are created equally,” says moral philosopher Andrew Weaver. “Some people are worth far less than others, and ravers, criminals, and the children of the rich and famous are at the very bottom of the totem pole of human worth. I think it’s okay to sacrifice a few worthless people if it means saving the lives of countless worthy people."

Politicians, for their part, are now considering relaxing ethical restraints on medical experimentation. “Mr. Feinbaum believes that we should be free to experiment on certain classes of people,” says Green Democracy M.P John Goebbels, “however, his categories need to be broadened so that they include white cis hetero men, who are the scum of the earth and deserve to be eradicated. Intersectionality akbar!"

John says that he is open to creating a larger category of socially worthless people. “I think Mr. Goebbels and I can both agree on at least one thing,” says John, “and that’s that University graduates have a responsibility to decide who should be sacrificed to medical science and who shouldn’t. We can work out the details later."

According to a new study released by researchers at McGale University, the Montreal suburb of Kirkland has the largest concentration of assholes in Canada. “Kirkland is a magnet for assholes,” says lead researcher Veri Thé. “85% of people who live in Kirkland are terrible human beings. That number jumps to 99.5% once you include people who moved to the suburb within the last decade. If you ever want to meet empty headed, vicious, incompetent, morally bankrupt jerks, you should move to Kirkland. It’s a total shit hole."

Kirkland Mayor Gary Gozwell disagrees. “Sure, the people of Kirkland don’t care if rich spoiled brats try to run people over,” says Gary. “But that’s because they’re rich! They should be allowed to run over the peasants. And yes, it’s true that most of the millionaires who move to Kirkland are parasites who earned their money by either inheriting it or by exploiting the labour of others. That’s true, we don’t have many innovators in Kirkland, or people who genuinely add value to society by inventing new things and building new products. Yes, most of our citizens are mediocre, and yes, they’re incredibly entitled. Sure, they’re incapable of empathy and compassion. All of these things are true. But are they assholes? Absolutely not. Assholes create shit, and the people of Kirkland don’t create anything. They can’t be assholes."

Veri disagrees. “The only thing the people of Kirkland create is shit,” says Veri. “When you get down to it, Kirkland is Ontario’s Australia. It’s where Ontario sends all their awful people."

Ontario Premiere Beatrice Kennings doesn’t deny it. “It’s Ontario's official policy to use Montreal’s West Island as a penal colony for our most obnoxious citizens,” says Beatrice, “Suck it, Quebec! Enjoy all our assholes! Especially you Kirkland, you suck."

Mayor Gozwell says he’ll be organizing a “Kirkland: We’re Not Jerks!” party on August 28th to help counter-act his city’s terrible reputation. “The party will have champagne and caviar on hand, and there will be activities for the kids, such as the perennially popular pelt-the-poor-with-rocks game."

Y chromosome carriers are snipping off their naughty bits as men as men across America go crazy for gelding. “Cutting off your penis is all the rage these days,” says professional Twitter activist Gary Ludwig. “Progressive men understand that masculinity is toxic through and through, and so the only way to escape the inherent sinfulness of being male is by rejecting masculinity in its entirety. In order to be a good male, you’ve got to say goodbye to your penis."

Professor Namor Klein of Condoria University partially agrees. “Anyone who has ever taken a liberal arts class knows that men are intrinsically worthless,” says Namor. “When a man cuts off his penis, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s still a tyrannical oppressor who deserves to be held in contempt for all eternity. It does, however, show us that he knows he is intrinsically awful. That’s a step in the right direction. The world would be much better off if he simply died, but beggars can’t be choosers. Progressive men gelding themselves isn’t the wholesale slaughter of the male gender, but I’ll take what I can get."

Men who graduate from University are embracing self-hatred in ever increasing numbers. “The men at McGale university have begun organizing Snip-It Parties,” says student activist and self-professed misandrist Leah Lyotard. “In order to atone for the sin being men, they invite feminists over to cut off their penises. There’s usually a DJ in the back playing some dubstep while the scissor action is going on. Afterwards, once all the penises are tossed into the garbage, everyone starts dancing."

Not all feminists are happy about Snip-It Parties. “Why should we have to cut off their penises?” asks journalist Binda East. “Men always expect women to do everything for them. Oh sure, now you want us to forgive you for being male by having us cut off your penis? No, I’m sorry, that’s just not good enough. You don’t get forgiveness. You’re the oppressor! We hate you and we’ll always hate you. Nothing you do, not even grovelling before us on your knees while we dismember your manhood, will quell our hatred."

Young men under thirty agree. “Ugh, men are terrible,” says 24 year old culture studies graduate Tiberius Klint. “That’s why I cut off my penis and fed it to pigeons months ago. Thanks to my time in University, I realized that I’ll never be anything but an awful agent of oppression. My opinion is worthless, my experiences insignificant, my feelings irrelevant. I’m happy that bourgeois university educated feminists have taught me about my intrinsic sinfulness. I’ve now dedicated my life to evangelizing poor men, letting them know the gospel according to liberal art graduates. Praise Be Unto Gender Studies, Amen."

Montreal parents are angry with the Upper Fallworth School Board after local schools began offering 3rd grade students classes on BDSM.

“Parents across Montreal must learn that the world has changed,” says school board president Christina Lake. “In order to ensure that people of all sexual proclivities and orientations are respected in our society, we’ve decided that it was necessary to teach our children about safe bondage practices. We need our children to know that it’s okay if they like being beaten with whips. It’s okay if their goal in life is to become someone’s naked butler. The sooner we teach our children to accept that their desires are natural and healthy, the sooner we’ll be able to live in a society where everyone is treated with respect and consideration."

Many parents disagree. “What the hell is wrong with the people running our school boards?” asks Tracy Hubertville. “ Our schools have gone off the deep end. In Ontario, you have teachers teaching little kids to hate themselves based on the colour of their skin through poorly conceived white privilege seminars. Over in Iowa, you have teachers organizing anal strap-on classes and salad tossing courses for middle school students. And in Montreal, they’re teaching 9 year olds how to act out fantasies from 50 Shades of Grey. It’s insane. Our teachers are stupid and our Universities are run by lunatics. They’re raising an entire generation of self-hating imbeciles."

Christina disagrees. “There is nothing wrong with teaching middle school students how to toss salad,” says Christina. “There’s nothing wrong with teaching 9 year olds how to safely use a ball gag. There’s nothing wrong with teaching children that they should be ashamed of themselves if they’re white. The only thing that’s wrong is that regressive, conservative parents refuse to recognize the moral superiority of educators, who are their social betters in every way. The crazy people aren’t the ones running our schools, the crazy ones are the parents who don’t want their children to learn how to lick assholes. "

People across Montreal are whispering in hush tones about a new, neon haired menace that’s prowling the streets, terrorizing citizens with politically motivated violence. “If you make an off colour joke and one of the Neon Haired Cultists hear you, you better run,” says videographer Graham Moulin. “I made a joke about women drivers the other day, and a minute later, a green haired man wielding an axe was chasing after me."

The Neon Haired Cult is everywhere according to Sgt. Gregg Green of the SPVM. “ There’s nowhere you can run. There’s nowhere you can hide. The cult has infiltrated Montreal at all levels,” says Sgt. Gregg. “They already have full control of our schools. They own the media. They have colonized Montreal, and there’s nothing we can do about it."

The cultists got their name from the fact that every single member has bright fluorescent hair. “They’re overwhelmingly white, educated, and wealthy,” says cult expert Fiona Pair. “They dye their hair bright neon colours because it signals to the rest of society that they’re rich enough that they don’t need to care about their appearance. They’ve adopted social justice rhetoric in order to camouflage the fact that they’re affluent members of the bourgeoisie waging a class war against workers and poor people."

Many Montrealers are terrified of the cultists ever growing reach. “You can’t throw a party now without getting their permission or approval,” says promoter Chad Badwig. “If you do throw an event that they don’t control, and they don’t feel that your party is completely obedient to their political message, they’ll declare war on you."

Not everyone is afraid of the Neon Haired Cult, though. “The key to fighting these cultists is to mock them relentlessly,” says ex-cult member Henrietta Bleak. “In the end, the only monopoly they have is over the two institutions which confer credibility and legitimacy in our society: the media & the academy. If you start living your life in a way that rejects both of those institutions, the cultists can’t touch you. "

The cultists are members of what Henrietta calls the clerisy. “The clerisy are credentialed rent seekers who don’t add value to society, instead they extract money from people through political intimidation and the skilful manipulation of the academy and the media. They’re effectively gate keepers to popularity, and they make their livings by forcing people to pay them for access to social legitimacy. The thing is, people are increasingly rejecting the legitimacy of both the media and our educational system. Eventually, the empire that the clerisy rules over will topple. They’re not as strong as they look. Laugh at them. If an axe wielding green haired freak chases after because you made a joke about Caitlyn Jenner, stand your ground."

Chad agrees. “The easiest way to disarm an axe wielding cultist is to laugh at him,” says Chad. “The cultists are weak against humour. Laugh at them, and they crumple up into a despondent blob of hurt feelings."

Police arrested five ravers on charges of cannibalism after they devoured an obnoxious rich kid at a party on Saturday. “Apparently, the victim was using his father’s wealth as a way to insult the people around him,” says Sgt. Jenn Teralta of the SPVM. “Some of the ravers started arguing with him, telling him he was being obnoxious and rude. He called them dirty peasants, which is when one of the ravers started screaming that the poor should eat the rich."

Another raver, Clemence Brown, heard the battle cry and took it literally. “Clemence was high on LSD,” says party promoter Serah Smith. “He got really agitated at the rich kid, and bit him right in the neck. He just chowed down on the kid like he was roast beef sandwhich."

Once blood was drawn, the other ravers soon joined in. “Within seconds, a group of ravers were eating that kid. It was like they were all psytrance zombies,” says Serah. “It was horrifying. The rich kid was screaming and screaming, but they just kept eating him. Several of us tried to stop them, but the cannibal ravers growled at us and starting attacking us. It was like they had turned into ferocious wild animals. By the time we managed to pull them off of him, he was already dead."

Police say that this isn’t the first incident of cannibal ravers and it won’t be the last, either. “Ravers often revert to a feral state when under pressure,” says Sgt. Teralta. “It’s important that people realize this. If you threaten or antagonize a raver long enough, they might try to eat you. You don’t have to be rich to be raver food, you just have to be obnoxious."

Serah agrees. “I’ve been to nearly two hundred parties in my life, and while raver cannibalism isn’t common, I’ve seen it happen more than once. Ravers take their partying seriously. Diss the vibe, and you’ll be lucky to stay alive."

Blue state American males have declared war on BBQs, claiming that they are instruments of the patriarchy and must be abolished. “Women will never know equality so long as men enjoy grilling meat,” says aristocratic journalist Richard Von Smidt the 3rd. “Men should know that the pleasure they derive from BBQs is built on the oppression of women. The fact that grilling meat is considered a masculine activity means that it’s oppressive and must be abolished."

Many Canadians agree. “BBQs are manly, and manly is evil” says Condoria University Professor Molly Rosewald, “It’s time for Canada to say no to grilling meat. I call on the Canadian government to pass a law that mandates that all BBQs be replaced with either chocolate fondues or eating a woman’s placenta while howling at the moon. Both of those are suitably feminine activities that will help purify Canada of the patriarchy."

Montreal’s Angel Park used to be home to countless outdoor BBQs, but these days men who grill meat in public will likely find themselves pilloried by angry mobs of twitter users. “If I see someone grilling in public, I alert my twitter followers and we organize a flash mob to shame the grillers into leaving the park,” says human rights activist Pearl Neglass. “We need to reclaim our parks from those who would sully it with masculine activities. Down with BBQs! Down with grilling meat! Kill all men!"

Not everyone is on board with banning BBQs. “I don’t know what the hell happened over the last couple of years, but suddenly everyone’s lost their mind,” says BBQ aficionado and meat lover Clay Texan. “I like grilling meat. I like BBQs. I like doing manly things. And yet all these emasculated twerps from Massachusetts and New York and San Francisco are defecating all over the internet with their silly nonsense. Oh, BBQs are sexist. Buzz off. BBQs are awesome, everyone can enjoy them, and men who like grilling don’t have to feel guilty about it, no matter what the smug pricks with English Lit degrees from Harvard, Yale, or Cornell say."

Montreal’s Isoronery Applications, a software studio based in St-Henri, is making headlines around the world with the release of it's BangARaver app, a piece of software that helps rich men find poor ravers to bang.

“Most ravers are incredibly slutty," says Isoronery president Carl Gustav, "and we decided, well, if they're going to slut it up, they might as well get paid for it. If you’re going to get laid, you might as well get paid. That’s our motto. We put the money in ‘Sex & Money’."

Gustav says his ap is Uber for slutty ravers. "You just tap in your location, choose a nearby raver, and twenty minutes later, they’ll be jumping on your pogo stick. Men and women, fat or skinny, drugged out or drug free. You can choose your preferences before you make your order."

Ravers are raving about the application. "Man, I don't need to get a job anymore," says Curtis Jamestown. "Now I can easily make bank thanks to Bang-a-Raver. Isoronery just changed my life. I was living off of ramen noodles until I got this application, but now that I'm fellating the ruling class, I can afford to buy canned ravioli and chicken nuggets. I feel like royalty."

Johns also have high praise for the bang-a-raver app. "Isoronery just created the killer sex-app. Once they broaden their application to include people who aren't strung out meth heads who listen to EDM, they are going to become a billion dollar company. They just made getting a hooker as easy as tapping a couple of buttons on your phone. It's brilliant."

Montreal golfers are seeing red after ravers turned several city golf courses into make shift toilets. “Every single golf hole at Notre Dame's Great Green Course had raver faeces in it,” says groundskeeper Wilson Hogue. “Every. Damn. Hole. And I know it’s ravers who did it, because we have them on film crouching over those holes."

Apparently ravers across the city are sneaking on to golf courses late at night to throw dance parties. At the end of the event, the ravers scatter across the course and defecate in as many golf holes as they can find.

“I have no idea why they’re doing it. I mean, what possesses people to organize an event that ends with shitting in a golf hole?"

William says he’s happy that the ravers aren’t damaging the fairway, but he still finds having to clean up raver shit unpleasant. “I think it’s annoying that part of my job now involves cleaning up after ravers. It’s not like it’s the millionaires who play golf who down there cleaning up those holes. No, it’s me."

William isn’t the only groundskeeper that’s had to sully his hands with raver feces. “Every single golf course in Montreal has been hit by defecating vandals,” says golf enthusiast Michelle Brown. “I’m not even sure how they’ve managed to elude being captured. These ravers are dedicated. They’re well organized. They take shitting on golf courses very seriously. Imagine what they could accomplish if they spent all their time on something constructive instead of on these weird guerrilla poop parties?"

Teenagers are going crazy for dungeon furry parties, events where guests dress up as furry critters before being locked inside cages. “It’s BDSM for people under 20,” says Dungeon Furry promoter Ickle Smith. “We make kink adorable. We make it cuddly. When we violate each other, we do it My Little Pony style."

Teenagers say they can’t get enough of the dungeon furry events. “I love being dressed as a dragon and then abused by a Dominant boy in a chipmunk outfit,” says 18 year old Rinata Chretien. “Have you ever had a chipmunk put a ballgag in your mouth before spanking you with a giant paddle? I have and it felt like heaven."

Not everyone is thrilled by the idea of teenagers engaging in light BDSM while dressed up as unicorns and sea otters, but nearly everyone agrees that it’s not a big deal. “My son like’s to be whipped while dressed like an armadillo,” says local man Marcus Brand. “I’m okay with that. I’m a modern father, living in modern times. If my son wants to have a dragon masturbate all over his face while he makes squealing noises, more power to him. I think he should post videos of it online, on instagram and on twitter. He should even include links to his furry porn on his resumé. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s something we should celebrate. Hell, it’s something we should shove in everyone’s faces until they’re sick and tired of hearing about all the weird ass shit we’re into."

Rinata agrees. “Sex is no longer about having fun, now it’s all about social prestige. The weirder your sexual activities, the cooler you are. I once shoved a live cat up my anus while someone slapped my breasts with a ping pong paddle. Was that sexy? Not at all. Was it enjoyable? Absolutely not. But did it make me look cool in front of all my friends? You bet it did."

Rinata says that dungeon furry parties are a way for kids her age to fully enjoy the pleasures of peer pressure. “The more outrageous and ridiculous our sexual adventures, the better. Dungeon Furry Parties for Life."

Montreal event organizers are going forward with their controversial plan to replace porta-potties with communal piss buckets. “It’s more than just a cost saving measure,” says promoter Ian Smith, “it’s also a more environmental solution. Instead of hiring dozens of trucks to lug around those giant blue monstrosities to and from our events, we’re just going to put out some buckets that people can piss and shit in when the urge strikes them."

Piss buckets have become increasingly common at parties across North America ever since San Francisco’s Frozen Guy festival banned porta potties. “Our ancestors did it in the bush, why should we do it in a damn porta pottie,” says Frozen Guy festival organizer Gregg Gong. “Porta potties are for the bourgeois. Real men and women use buckets.”

Not everyone is warming up the idea of using piss buckets. “I don’t want to piss in front of a bunch of strangers,” says Harry Connor. “Not unless I’m getting paid for it anyway."

Other partiers agree. “It’s degrading. When I go to events and I see a bucket of urine and faeces next to the dance floor, it makes me feel like a farm animal."

Ian says that’s the point. “We’re all animals. We’re monkeys and apes. Let’s stop pretending to be something we’re not. We all piss and shit. Every last one of us. Does it really matter if we do it in public? No. There’s no difference between laying a deuce in front of strangers and laying one behind a door. Get over yourself and embrace the bucket. The bucket is a symbol of freedom. Liberate yourself from shame. Embrace your animal side."

The city of Kingston will soon celebrate the grand opening of The Dirty Moose, Canada’s first moose brothel. Residents have been preparing for the big day. “It’s going to be great,” says Kingston Mayor Barry Pericles. “The Dirty Moose is bound to become a huge tourist attraction. We’re expecting to see hundreds of millions of tourist dollars flow into city coffers as a result of this one-of-a-kind establishment. Kingston will be the only place in the world where people can pay to have sex with a moose."

The Dirty Moose is the brainchild of Edgar Pendelsmidt, the enfant terrible of the brothel world. “I like to create unique brothels, the kind where sex is elevated into an art form, something unique and one of a kind,” says Edgar. “It’s not about parking your piece in a hole or about having your holes filled, it’s about transcending cultural norms and experiencing pleasure in a way you never thought possible. That’s my inspiration behind the moose brothel."

Most people don’t spend much time contemplating moose sex, but Edgar believes that the very existence of the moose brothel will change that. “The moment someone hears about the moose brothel for the first time, they can’t help but picture themselves straddling a giant moose and making love to it. Maybe delicately. Maybe violently. But they’re definitely thinking about it. And then, when curiosity gets the better of them, they’ll travel to Kingston and make love with one of our majestic Canadian beauties."

Edgar says that people can even eat the moose after they sleep with them. “Yes, we’re a full service moose brothel. Sleep with what you eat, that’s our motto."

A recent study by the Real Statistics Foundation revealed that modern party goers spend over 65% of their time at events staring at their phone, a number that has alarmed event organizer like Erik Hogan. “Some people spend more time staring at their damn phones than they do dancing,” says Erik. “It’s a disgrace. In some ways, cell phones have destroyed the party scene. You can’t get away from technology anymore. It follows us everywhere."

The fact that people can no longer escape technology inspired Erik to launch a one of a kind party where people need to have their eyes on their phones at all times, otherwise they’ll be kicked out by bouncers. “I’ve lined up the best DJs in Montreal, and I even have a huge surprise act flying in from Germany. I’m going all out. I want this event to have the best music you’ve ever heard, and then I want to make it impossible for you to enjoy it. I’m hoping that by making it mandatory for people to stare at their phones at this event, they’ll realize how obnoxious phones are at parties. If you can’t leave your phone in your pocket at an event, leave it at home."

Not everyone agrees with Erik’s criticisms. “Man, Erik is such an old fart,” says 18 year old neo-raver Gary Von. “He needs to get with the times. Phone’s aren’t just a piece of technology, they’re also a piece of us now. They’re part of who we are. Of course we’re going to spend our time staring at them while we’re out partying. It’s how we interact with reality now — through the eyes of cellphones made by poor people in China."

The Hold Your Phone party takes place August 27th at the Tamaman Dance Hall.

Take enough MDMA, and you’ll come face to face with a comedown that feels like a kick in the teeth, the kind that leaves you feeling as if your entire life is a joke without a punchline. Frequent MDMA users often keep a supply of 5HTP handy to help their brains get back to normal after a trip, but thanks to a new study by researchers at McGale University, 5HTP might no longer be necessary.

“Our study reveals that the serotonin levels of MDMA users recover faster when they swallow semen as opposed to 5HTP pills,” says lead researcher Dr. Gunthrap Gannon. “If you’re an active drug users and you want to ensure that your high isn’t followed by a very deep low, our recommendation is that on nights when you take a lot of drugs, make sure to swallow a mouth full of semen before going to bed. You’ll wake up feeling like a million dollars."

Montreal MDMA dealers have been quick to capitalize on this new study. “I now offer all my customers medicinal semen with their drugs,” says narcotics peddler Henry Beauville. “I not only offer my customers jarred medicinal semen but they can also suck it right out from the source. In order to keep my customers coming back, I want to ensure that they enjoy their drug highs. Offering medicinal semen to my customers has made a huge difference in terms of their satisfaction levels. "

Mary Fincklehorn agrees. “I’ve been buying from Henry for ages,” says Mary. “And I swear, ever since he started offering fresh organic medicinal semen with his MDMA, I’ve been enjoying his MDMA so much more. Now I can’t imagine taking MDMA without ending my night with a mouth full of healthy medicinal semen. It’s made such a huge difference to the way I party. I no longer have to spend days recovering every time I roll anymore, it’s fantastic."