An illegal outdoor rave ended in tragedy this weekend when one of the party goers was shot in the head by a hunter. The victim, 18 year old Eddie Smith of Kirkland, Quebec, was wearing a bear costume at the time of the accident. “It was a furry party,” says Manuela Harris, who was at the party with Eddie when it happened. “We were all dressed up as animals. I went as a red fox, Eddie was a black bear. He put a lot of effort into his costume. He was so proud of it.”

Josiah Warren was part of the hunting party who mistook Eddie for a real bear. “It was late at night, around 11pm when we shot Eddie. At that hour, it’s hard to tell if you’re shooting real bears or men wearing bear costumes. Even the night goggles don’t help out much in a situation like that.”

Some people find it hard to believe that it was accident. “How could they have mistaken him for a real bear? Didn’t they hear any of the music? Even if Eddie had wandered away from the party to go the washroom, it’s not like sound doesn’t travel,” says Manuela. “And besides, furry outfits aren’t realistic depictions of animals. They have giant cartoon eyes. Eddie didn’t look like a bear, he looked like a bear character from a 1980s Warner Brothers cartoon.”

Josiah says that while it’s a tragedy that Eddie died, the ravers have no one but themselves to blame. “You know, it's always awful when someone dies, but if you’re going to throw a party that involves wearing animal outfits, maybe you should choose a venue that isn't in the middle of a forest during peak bear hunting season,” says Josiah. “That just isn't a very good idea.”

The hunters will likely get off with a slap on the wrist since the party was illegal. “Our hands are tied,” says Carson Wales, a Quebec spokesperson. “They had a black bear hunting license. That kid was wearing a black bear outfit. We can’t really charge them with anything."

“My life will never be the same,” says 17 year old Chris Boolean, who drunkenly urinated on his mother’s face early Saturday morning after mistaking the door to her bedroom with the door to the bathroom. “It was around 6am. I had just got back from this epic EDM party and my head wasn't on straight. I stumbled into the house, and you know when you're drunk, doors start looking a lot alike. They're rectangular, they have knobs. It’s easy to get them confused. So, one thing happened after another, and suddenly my mother’s yelling at me. Nothing gets you sober like the knowledge that you just pissed all over your mom.”

Family therapist Erin Goodweather says that it’s not uncommon for children to piss on their mothers. “Of course, the vast majority of these urinary events happen when the children are still wearing diapers,” says Erin. “It’s not at all common for grown teenagers to piss on their parents. In fact, that’s kind of weird."

Chris says that he is now looking forward to a long and awkward future with his mother. “I think things would have gone alright if she had started yelling at me in anger,” says Chris. “But she didn’t. She started yelling at me in excitement. She told me she had always dreamt of this moment and that she was happy that I shared her love of mother-son golden showers.”

Erin says this is also uncommon. "Most mothers don't like the idea of their grown children pissing on them," says Erin. "I'd say this family has serious issues and are in desperate need of some therapeutic intervention."

Chris says he’s not at all sure what his next step is. “I think it’s important that teenagers learn that raving can be brutally dangerous,” says Chris. "You might rave so hard that you end up pissing on your mom. And that’s not the worst of it, she might like it. Raving. Not even once. It’s just not worth it."

Promoter Evan Wilkins was arrested Sunday morning on charges of animal cruelty after allegedly setting his dog on fire. “Evan was gearing up for Fiery Inferno, his first party of the summer, when it happened,” says Jane Alex, a dubstep DJ who was set to play on the night of the incident.

Rubio, Evan's recently deceased pomeranian, was tied to a fence behind the large industrial warehouse where the party was to take place. “Evan was smoking a joint, playing with his dog, and just having a good time,” says Jane. “But then he thoughtlessly threw the joint out, and it ended up lighting some dried grass on fire next to where Rubio was lying down. Things quickly spun out of control after that.”

Within a few moments, Rubio was engulfed in flames. “That poor dog. I think the dried leaves might have been covering a patch of spilled oil, because it’s incredible how Rubio went from wagging his little tail to howling in pain. One moment he was a happy ball of fuzzy fur, the next he was a lump of toasted dog flesh. Evan was crestfallen. This was definitely not an intentional case of burn-the-doggy. It was a tragic accident and I think he should not have to face jail time because of his mistake. His heart's already broken enough as it is.”

The police disagree. “His negligence and carelessness directly lead to the death of his dog, and he must face the consequences for that,” says Sgt. Barrista of the SPVM. “We take animal cruelty very seriously in Montreal, especially when it involves marijuana.”

Animal activists are glad that the city is taking such a hard stance against the promoter. “Some people think we should go soft on him because it was an accident,” says Peter Bashnoy, president of Save The Dogs Foundation Canada, “but they wouldn’t be so lenient if he had accidentally set a small child on fire. This sort of double standard has to end.”

Mr. Wilkins will appear before the courts next Tuesday.

Marcel Rubican, a Montreal drug dealer who has been arrested on multiple occasions for acts of senseless violence, was back behind bars after bludgeoning fifteen school children to death with a potted marijuana plant over the weekend.

“This tragedy could easily have been avoided if only the Canadian justice system wasn’t so lenient in the way that it deals with convicted criminals,” says Montreal lawyer Percy Smith, who founded the Victims Against Violence foundation after witnessing first hand how often criminals are coddled by the government. “Today, dozens of Montreal parents are struggling with the unconscionable and brutal loss of their children, all because our government released a violent offender from prison without care or concern for whether or not he had truly been rehabilitated. Marcel Rubican has a criminal record that’s four miles long, and yet he always finds himself back on the streets no matter how bloody or violent his crimes are”

Witnesses allege that Mr. Rubican stopped his car after one of his victims yelled at him for running through a stop sign in front of a school playground. “That nutcase jumped out of his car, took off his pants and underwear, and started urinating towards the children while screaming at them,” says Louis Druega, who was the first person to call the police after seeing Mr. Rubican’s rampage. “At this point, a huge crowd started to gather to look at him, which aggravated him. That’s when he ran to the back of his car, pulled a potted marijuana plant from his trunk, and started smashing it into the heads of all the children he could reach. It was a blood bath."

Mr. Rubican isn’t the first person to weaponize marijuana plants. “Marijuana is a very dangerous drug,” says Mason Perrot, an anti-drug crusader. “This latest incident of brutality is just more proof that pot kills. The idea that we should legalize marijuana will result in more bloody rampages. How many children have to die before we understand that marijuana is lethal?"

The head of Montreal’s Drug Users & Abusers Anonymous, a charity dedicated to helping addicts recover from substance abuse, has been arrested for allegedly running a country wide drug ring. “The scope of this criminal enterprise is baffling,” says social reformer Mike Beaudoin. “Every Drug Users & Abusers Anonymous chapter was really just a front for dealing drugs to vulnerable people. Folks who were looking for help in recovering from their addiction would instead find themselves pressured into buying more drugs from the people they had turned to for guidance. This criminal organization would then use its links to legal departments across the country to have the addicts thrown into jail, often on trumped up charges, if they ever dared raise objections about what was going on."

Marcus Robertson, a 52 year old psychologist, started the disgraced substance abuse program shortly after graduating from McDowell University in 1995. “Marcus was a real charmer,” says one of his former patients who asked not to be named. “He used that charm to build up a massive criminal empire. He was a sociopath, an evil little man who preyed on the weak. He built a fortune off their backs, and the Canadian government helped him do it.”

Many social reformers share that sentiment. "The government was much more interested in imprisoning people who were weak and vulnerable than in examining any of their allegations against Marcus,” says Mike. “It’s not like no one hadn’t spoken up against him. There have been dozens of cases, and every single one of them was invariably covered up. The accusers were thrown in jail while Marcus was allowed to continue use preying on addicts, many of whom were referred to him and his organization by the Canadian government.”

Leia Manson is one victim who refuses to be silenced. “I was arrested for possessing crack, and part of my sentence involved attending Drug Users & Abusers Anonymous,” says Leia. “And instead of helping me try to overcome my addiction, they tried selling me more crack. When I refused to buy some, they told the courts I was in violation of my probation and sent me back to jail. They send you to jail if you buy crack, they send you to jail if you don’t buy crack. This country is crazy."

Ravers are taking over Montreal’s elevators, one over-priced skyrise at a time. “People are using twitter and Facebook to organize flash mobs in luxury apartment buildings,” says Gerald Caldwell, a raveologist at the Montreal Institute for Urban Studies. “Dozens of teenagers secretly infiltrate buildings, choose an elevator, than every floor a few of them will get on, until by the time they reach the top of the building, you have a full blown party going on in there.”

And these parties come equipped. “We bring speakers, DJ equipment, disco balls, strobe lights, smoke machines, everything you can think of,” says flash mob organized Lisa Lunderhead. “We’re serious about our elevator parties.”

The elevator raiding ravers are constantly hunting for apartment buildings with large, luxurious elevators. “We’re not throwing our events in tiny little piss pot elevators, the kind that can only fit a handful of people” says Lisa. “We’re throwing them in the ridiculously, comically large elevators that some high end complexes come equipped with. These elevators can fit over a hundred people, some of them have chandeliers on the ceilings and rugs made of baby seal fur on the floor. You have to see these elevators to believe how wasteful they are. Our parties are part class war, part mindless fun. One thing’s for sure, none of us feel guilty for invading these buildings.”

The rich inhabitants of these sky rises are less than impressed with the antics of these rave invaders. “Important people pay good money so that they don’t have to deal with the common riffraff,” says Earnest Goodfellow Jr., who owns several dozen Montreal sky rises. “It’s an affront to common decency and good breading. Poor people should throw their parties in places that are far away from the important parts of society. Leave the rich alone. We’re better than you for a reason.”

Lisa says she has no plans on stopping her elevator parties. “And i’m not the only one throwing them,” says the rebellious party organizer. “I think it’s odious that there are elevators in Montreal that are nicer than some apartments. By throwing underground raves in these elevators, we’re sending a message to society."

Montreal’s psytrance scene is in an uproar after an unflattering documentary was released over the weekend that portrays the community as privileged and racist.

Raving Colonists was directed by Marshall Louis, a raver turned sociologist who was fed-up with racism is in the psytrance scene. His documentary chronicles the community's long and sordid history of cultural appropriation, a criticism that many psytrance ravers feels is unfair.

“Just because we are overwhelmingly white doesn’t mean we are racially insensitive”, says psytrance promoter John Leblanc. “This documentary is a hatchet job that attacks a community dedicated to peace, love, unity, and respect. It’s like that director went out of his way to piss over nice people.”

Marshall, however, disagrees. “The psytrance community has a long and sordid history of appropriating other people’s cultures, cultures they don’t understand, don’t appreciate, and don’t respect,” says Marshall. “They wear native american headdresses without a clue as to how offensive that is to actual members of that culture. They practice poi fire without respecting or understanding the Māori traditions that gave birth to that practice. They emblazon all their clothing with Om symbols without having any actual understanding of Hinduism or Buddhism. They are culture tourists, and they fail to appreciate how their actions negatively impact the communities that they are copying and borrowing from.”

John insists that cultural appropriation isn’t a big deal. “Look, we live in a post-racial society. Racism doesn’t exist anymore,” says John. “Psytrance is all about universal brotherhood. There’s no such thing as institutional privilege or racial inequality in the eyes of psytrance. It’s okay if we copy historically oppressed cultures and use their symbols and values, because we’re just honouring them. We copy their sacred traditions because it enables us to live lives of decadent, hedonistic excess. I think I speak for all the people who’s cultures we’re allegedly appropriating that it’s alright, since we’re only copying their culture for fun.”

A Montreal start-up hopes to hit it big with a new app that makes partying easier than ever. “MyRave is like Uber, but for raving,” says local programmer Nick Casabella. “The way it works is simple — you load the app, enter your address and your musical preferences, and click a button. Within thirty minutes, a DJ will be at your door with turn tables, speakers, strobe lights, and smoke machines. That’s not all, but if you pay extra, the DJ will even come with gogo dancers. That’s right, women will come to your apartment, and you won’t even need to offer them drugs to get them there! Though if Canada ever looses up on its drug laws, we’ll totally add that functionality. Not the bribing women with drugs part, but the bringing you drugs with your EDM part. We would love MyRave to be your one-stop party shop. Having fun should be as easy as clicking a button."

The app has been in beta since the beginning of February, but the few lucky people who have had a chance to use MyRave have been thrilled with the experience. “You know what, sometimes I don’t want to go to the bar or to the club,” says beta-tester Jonas Goulot. “So it’s great to have a way of bringing the party to me. It’s a bit pricey, but if you can afford it, it’s definitely worth it. If you have the cash, you’ll never be bored again. Last week, I had a craving for a schranz and nitzhonot party, so I just typed that into MyRave, and bam, an hour later, I was listening to some of the most obscure techno you’ve never heard of. Because seriously, when was the last time you went to a party that played any scharnz or nitzhonot music? Now, every friday you’ll have access to a party that plays the kind of music you want to listen to, no matter how weird it is, no matter how unpopular it is. With MyRave, you’re the promoter, so you decide."

The ability to design your own party is something a lot of beta-testers say will revolutionize the way raves are organized. “One of the features we’ve been clamouring for,” says Carly Roche, “is the ability to crowdfund events. Right now, MyRave is a bit limited, but the moment they add social networking into it, partying will start looking very different.”

Designer parties aren’t the only thing MyRave has in mind. “We’re in talks with several local clubs, too. We want to help event organizers connect with their customers,” says Nick. “We’re going to be the kickstarter of parties. We’re going to be bigger than Google. Nothing's as profitable as pleasure, and we're going to corner the market on fun."

Montreal’s nightlife will never be the same now that happy hardcore karaoke has hit the city like a hurricane. It’s hard to find a club in town that hasn’t at least flirted with the idea of hosting a night dedicated to people singing badly to very vast, very chipper music. “People love happy hardcore and they love karaoke” says Le Bar Fedesse owner Jerome Depardieux, “so it makes sense that they’d love both of them mixed together. It’s a match made in heaven, like Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie, minus all the exotic children.”

Jerome was visiting the Netherlands in 2013 when he stumbled on to his first happy hardcore karaoke event. “I got really drunk on cheap wine, and the next thing I knew, I was in this dingy little bar in Utretch when I realized something weird was going on,” says Jerome. "There was a guy on stage wearing a pink furry dragon outfit, and he was singing the lyrics to Dune’s ‘I can’t stop raving’. The people in the bar were dancing like crazy. It was magical."

The genre may have lost much of its lustre in Montreal, but it was still going strong in Northern Europe. “After I saw how much fun people were having at these events, I knew I had to bring them to Quebec.”

It didn’t take long for Jerome’s happy hardcore events to explode in popularity. Soon there dozens of copy cats throughout the city. “Happy Hardcore is experiencing a renaissance,” says music historian Kate Flapper. “We’re living through the second golden age of happy hardcore. I don’t know if that’s a good thing, but I know that it’s happening.”

Party goers, for their part, are more than happy to see the sometimes maligned music genre reclaim it’s throne. “It’s the best music ever,” says 47 year old raver Betty Crampton. “I love singing to happy hardcore. Well, I love trying to sing to happy hardcore. It’s kind of hard to keep up with, but that’s what makes it so much fun.”

Happy hardcore is very fast, with most songs falling in the 160 to 180 beats per minute range. “Singing to a song that’s hitting those kind of speeds isn’t easy,” says music coach Beryl Thomas. “But since it’s only happy hardcore, it doesn’t really matter if you sing badly, since no one will notice anyways.”

Betty Crampton agrees. “Oh, yeah, the best thing about happy hardcore isn’t that it’s good — no, the best thing about happy hardcore is that it’s so cheerful. If you’re happy, it doesn’t matter how awful you are. Haters are always going to hate, but if you have a smile on your face, it doesn’t matter. Fun fun fun is number one."

Erik Vaunters loves gas masks. “I just think they look cool,” says Erik. “They’re the ultimate fashion accessory. I look like such a bad ass when I’m wearing my mask, it’s like I belong in some sort of post-apocalyptic movie. I never thought it would save my life, though — but it did!”

Erik belongs to a growing community of ravers who were saved by their odd taste in fashion accessories. “My apartment caught on fire just as i was getting ready to go party,” says Erik. “The flames made it impossible to escape, and the smoke was getting really thick. If I didn’t have my gas mask on me, I would have been a goner.”

After his brush with death, Erik turned to the internet to see if there were other ravers out there who had similar life saving experiences as his. “That’s when I found Saved By Accessories,” says Erik. “It’s a community more people need to know about.”

Founded by Bonnie Stacks in 2008, Saved By Accessories has been spreading joy and saving lives for countless years. “I started SBA after my own harrowing experience,” says Bonnie. “Everyone used to make fun of me for wearing goggles at parties, but those goggles stopped me from going blind.”

Bonnie was dancing her heart out at an underground rave when a pipe carrying steaming hot water burst right in front of her. “It was a freak accident. That’s what happens when you party where you’re not supposed to. The water from the pipe was scalding hot, and it was directed right at my eyes. I’m convinced I would have gone blind if I had’t had my crazy goggles on. I still have third degree burns from the water splashing off my goggles and landing on my arms.”

Goggles and gas masks aren’t the only accessories that have saved ravers from dying. “I used my detachable fox tail as a tourniquet after receiving a major leg wound in a car accident,” says Louis Legault. “If it wasn’t for my fondness for furries, I might have died from blood loss.”

One raver attributes his own survival to his Pikachu backpack. “I’d always wear this giant pokemon inspired backpack to all the parties I went to. One day, though, I accidentally fell off a bridge into a river with very strong currents. My Pikachu backpack proved to be exceptionally buoyant, and it stopped me from drowning.”

Stories like these are incredibly common at Saved By Accessories. “A lot of people don’t realize just how many lives dressing like a raver has saved,” says Bonnie. “Raver fashion saves lives. It really does."

1. Whistles

Stephen Rogers was the first party promoter to sell whistles at his raves. “It was the summer of 1992, I was high on acid and for some crazy reason I thought it’d be fun if people could whistle along with the songs at my party,” says Stephen. “In hindsight, it was a bad idea.”

Stephen has been on the receiving end of countless death threats thanks to his innovation. “Whenever people learn that I was the first guy to sell whistles at raves, they… get pretty mad at me,” says Stephen. “I get physically attacked at least once a month. I don't blame my attackers, though. I was the father of one of the worst raver fads ever. Whistles ruin parties. They ruin DJ sets. They've certainly ruined my life.”

2. Fun Fur Pants

Todd O'toole, an Ulster area puppet maker, invented fun fur pants in 1996. When Todd wasn't busy creating cuddly critters for kid-friendly television shows, he was busy crafting colourful furry outfits for his friends.

“At one point, it was impossible to go to a party in Ireland without feeling like you were dancing with the entire cast of Sesame Street,” says Todd. “Fun fur pants proved so popular, that I started selling them to customers around the world. People were buying them from Amsterdam to Zimbabwe. There was a moment during the late nineties when fun fur pants were ubiquitous at raves.”

The trend eventually spun out of control as ravers started savagely beating party goers who didn't wear the colourful pants. “People have a way of taking things too far,” says Todd. “I created fun fur pants because I thought they were playful, and raving should be about enjoying yourself. Instead, my creations became associated with gang warfare.”

Once violence became synonymous with fun fur pants, party promoters started banning them at their events, which lead to a decline in their popularity.

3. Phat Pants

Ravers who were assaulted by violent fun fur fanatics didn't take it lying down. “A bunch of us got organized,” says fashion designer Miles Delano. “We decided to fight back. We designed phat pants so that we could easily hide weapons to use against fun fur wearers.” Phat pants are uncommon at parties these days, but back in 2001, they were an essential part of a ravers wardrobe. “It was the only way to stay safe. The first pair of phat pants I designed were made to hide machete blades,” says Miles. “You could store four of them. Those pants saved my life. Eventually, though, other designs came out.”

The most popular brand of phat pants were designed to hide AK-47s. “I remember going to a rave, and suddenly bullets started flying out of this guy’s pants,” says Miles. “I think dancing with an AK-47 strapped to your leg was never really a safe or smart idea, but that’s how on edge we were. Those fun fur ravers were dangerous.”

4. Fire Jugglers

The only thing more obnoxious than whistling at raves is juggling fire in crowded spaces. “At least five hundred ravers die every year because of fire juggling accidents,” says Dr. Benoit Grimm. “Just last week, we treated a dubstep DJ for third degree burns after a fire artist accidentally set him on fire during one of his sets.”

Many ravers refer to caucasian fire jugglers as poi artists, though that’s not accurate. “Poi is a traditional art of the Māori people of New Zealand,” says sociologist Mason Firth. “And ravers have appropriated Māori culture for their own ends without even thinking about how disrespectful they’re being to a people that has been so thoroughly brutalized by western imperialism. It’s obnoxious.”

5. Candy Bracelets

Ravers love colourful plastic bracelets. “No one knows for sure who the first candy bracelet wearing raver was,” say urban historian Mike Alicarn, “but we do know that they changed the face of raving forever.” For over twenty five years, ravers have adorned their arms with these plastic monstrosities.

“Some ravers wear so many candy bracelets, they can barely dance,” says Mike. “It’s not as bad as it used to be, though. There are countless stories of ravers who’ve injured themselves because of how many bracelets they were wearing. Dancing with dozens of candy bracelets is a bit like dancing with a barbel. It’s dangerous.”