This November Germany will host Essen Mich, the world’s first Cannibalism Rave, says promoter Erik Lebensabschnittgefährter. “Germany is home to the world’s largest cannibalism fetish community, and this fall our community is going to have a coming out party that will rock your flesh off,” says Erik. "There will be dancing, there will be techno, and there will be cannibalism. What more could you want? Tickets are only thirty dollars, though supplies are limited. We’re keeping our first party nice and cozy, since no one has ever done anything like it.” Over fifteen DJs are lined up to play the event, which will involve plenty of consensual people eating.

“Germany is one of the most progressive countries when it comes to matters of consent,” says lawyer Bernard Veinlit. “In many countries, you can’t eat other people, even if they consent to be eaten. Not so in Germany. And I think this is important, because it emphasizes that human beings belong to themselves, not to the governments they live under. If you feel like cutting off your arm and feeding it to another person, you should be free to do so. I think it’s the height of puritanism to dictate how other people can use their bodies.”

Essen Mich will also feature an on-site surgeon to help amputate party goers who would like to donate body parts to the grand feast. “I’ve already booked my plane ticket. I can’t wait to go!,” says American Bob Pasdepieds. “I’ve been dreaming of watching someone eat me for so long, and now I’ll finally get to experience it for real. You’d never be able to throw a cannibalism party in America. ”

Bob isn’t the only cannibal tourist. “We’re expecting dozens of people from around the world,” says Erik. “I do think that Germany will one day reap millions of dollars in cannibal related tourism. It’s a very common fetish, though most people are too shy to talk about it in public. I hope to change that, to encourage people to speak up and to speak out about their kinks. It’s okay to want to be skewered, roasted, and eaten. It’s perfectly natural, and it’s just silly to feel ashamed about this sort of thing.”

Some people aren’t so sure. “I think it’s shameful that there are no laws in place to prevent such a gathering,” says German M.P Irene Keinspaß. “We may not be able to pass any laws in time to stop the first Essen Mich, but I will push to pass a law so that there is no second Essen Mich.”

Erik doesn’t think her efforts will be successful. “Germany has a long tradition of political tolerance,” says Erik. “I’m positive that Essen Mich will succeed, and will continue to succeed for years and years to come."

Dozens of Universities across Canada are getting ready to expand their course offerings to include degrees in twerking, grinding, and liquid dancing. “It’s time for us to modernize Universities so that they better reflect the interests and skill set of the current generation,” says Basil Grompet, president of the Council for Real Attainment and Productivity, a think tank that plays an instrumental role shaping educational policies in Canada. “In 2015, twenty six Universities across Canada will begin offering degrees in Appropriative Urban Dance. It’s a bold, aggressive move that will keep our country at the cutting edge of human potential.”

Research shows that twerking, grinding, and liquid dancing are growth industries. “According to our projections, these three art forms will soon rival the computer sciences in terms of profitability and social importance,” says Basil. "It’s not an exaggeration to say that they’ll soon become the very heart of our economy. In the next ten years, five out of eight jobs will involve some level of twerking, grinding, and liquid dancing. Students who don’t master these three crucial art forms will be at a real disadvantage in the years ahead.”

Not everyone is as bullish about the future of these dance forms. “I just don’t see how tweaking, grinding, and liquid dancing could ever become integral to the economy,” says high school student Bernie Higgins, “but if important, highly educated people are telling me that I need to get a degree in Appropriative Urban Dance in order to succeed in life, then I guess maybe I should listen to them.”

Basil believes everyone should follow Bernie’s example. “Fifteen years ago, we told countless people that the key to economic success was to fall into a pile of debt while pursuing a liberal arts degree. We were right then, and we’re right now. If you want to live the high life, you need to learn to twerk, grind, and liquid dance.”

The small Eurasian country of Wakandistan successfully passed a law last week that makes raving punishable by death. “Raving is nothing more than western decadence,” says Wakandistani M.P Brüt Legøme. “It’s a sign of moral impurity. By tolerating raving, the people of Wakandistan open themselves up to spiritual decay, and so we say, it is better to kill a raver, than to risk sending the souls of our people to the fiery pits of eternal hell.”

Wakandistan, like Abkhazia and South Ossetia, is a breakaway republic that lacks international recognition. “The only people that recognize Wakandistan are Russia and a few of its key allies,” says European historian Bàlzac Zwetty. “This law banning raves is just a bit of sabre rattling inspired by current geopolitics. It’s a way of letting the world know that Wakandistan stands with Russia against Western imperialism.”

The sentiment throughout Eurasia has become increasingly divisive, as more and more of its inhabitants turn against the west. “The war on raving is just a symptom of a greater conflict,” says Bàlzac. “I doubt any ravers are actually going to be stoned to death, no matter what the laws say. This is just for show.”

Brüt Legøme denies that this law is just a matter of theatrics. “No, we will definitely kill anyone we catch raving within our borders,” says Brüt. “That’s not all, our bill also criminalizes all EDM music. Anyone who is caught listening to techno and any if its musical relatives will face corporal punishment. Twenty lashes for psystrance, forty for dubstep, sixty for electro. It’s important for Wakandistan to set firm boundaries vis-a-vis western cultural imperialism. We will not tolerate the decadent electronic music of the great satanic occident. Wakandistan is a pure and noble country, and we shall remain pure.”

Bàlzac remains unconvinced. “I still thinks it’s all for show. Brüt himself used to be a techno DJ. The entire Wakandistan parliament throws EDM parties every Saturday. They say they’re going to kill ravers, but what they really mean is that they’re going to kill ravers who are politically opponents to the Wakandistan regime. If you’re pro-Wakandistan, you can listen to all the techno you want, and no one will touch a single hair on your body.”

The EDM History Museum opened last week in Montreal, and it’s not for the faint of heart. The museums collection of historical mementos is mostly benign, except for the top floor, which is positively grotesque. “The first three floors have visitors explore the history of techno music by acquainting them with old school vinyl records, photographs and videos of old raves, collections of flyers and that sort of thing,” says party promoter Glenn Buckholme. “I really wasn't expecting the fourth floor though. It’s full of taxidermied people wearing raver fashions from each era of techno. It’s creepy as hell.”

The idea of filling a museum full of dead ravers, each dressed up to represent a particular era of techno, occurred to founder Donald Gluteentag one day in April when he was high on pcp. “I had a vision of a museum full of dead ravers, and it just made sense to me. Now people can see what raving used to be like by seeing what ravers used to look like.”

It wasn't long before Donald had secured a bunch of corpses through the online classified website Gregslist. “After getting the corpses, I dressed them in some old raver clothing. It was a bit like playing with life sized barbie dolls. Now, when you walk the hall of dead ravers, it’s like stepping into a time machine,” says Donald. “It’s almost as if you're actually in 1988, dancing in a warehouse in Chicago.”

Glenn isn't so sure. “It feels more like you're in a serial killer’s attic,” says Glenn. “If that’s what raving used to feel like, I'm happy it’s not 1988 anymore.”

Donald Glutentaag is used to the criticism. “I operate over forty five museums in ten different countries,” says Donald. “I try to make each more controversial than the last. The key to financial success is giving people something to talk about. If you're not stepping on anyone’s toes, you're not going to make any money.” Most museums these days have trouble paying the bills, while Donald’s rake in the cash. “Being creepy sells,” says Donald.

The man behind the dead raver museum doesn't plan on stopping there. “I’m having discussions with several party promoters about lending out my collection of raver corpses for their parties,” says Donald. “In the near future, you'll be able to go to parties decorated with stuffed ravers. That’s the future of partying, right there.”

Conkordia students have rallied around 24 year old Bill Bradley after University admission officials refused to recognize that plur was a rave. “They refused to process one of my admission forms and discriminated against me because I don't conform to socially constructed gender binaries,” says Bill. “I am not a man or a woman, I am a rave. I don’t want people referring to me as a he or a him, I want them to use my preferred pronoun plur. When talking about me, it’s not he is a man, but plur is a rave. After getting a tumblr account and taking a handful of introductory classes on post-modernism, I have transcended the limiting, hierarchical notions of gender constructs and demand that the University accept my new gender designation. They refuse to obey me, so I organized a protest."

Conkordia students say the protests are just the tip of the iceberg. “The old gender binaries are dying,” says tumblr theorist and protestor Jessica Langley. “They’re dying because we are killing them with pure rage. Soon, everyone will recognize our moral superiority. We are the chosen ones. All hail tumblr."

Bill Bradley isn’t alone in adopting new genders. “People on tumblr come up with new genders every day,” says Bill. “You’ve got star genders, for people who identify as star dust. Ultragenders, for people who can’t be confined by gender spectrums. Gloomgenders, for people who identify as sad emo songs written by suburban white boys. The fact is, gender isn’t real. People can be anything they want. I want to be a rave. That’s what I identify as, and anyone who refuses to respect my chosen gender, anyone who challenges me and says I’m not a rave, well they’re discriminatory scumbags who are literally worse than Hitler.”

Conkordia professor Aylmer Fuddlesticks agrees. “I try to teach my students that it’s important to challenge gender binaries,” says Aylmer. “And the best way of resisting gender orthodoxy is by embracing pure, wilful hatred of those who disagree with you. Some people think social justice is all about empathy and compassion. Those people are wrong. Contempt, scorn, and hate are the true key to making the world a better place. Just look at Stalin, now that was a guy who knew how to get things done. I’d like to think everyone has a bit of Stalin in them, and it’s my job as a University professor to cultivate that side of their personality."

Bill says that while University has been a great place to learn how to dehumanize other people, it’s really Tumblr that taught him the true value of contempt. “I found a community of people on Tumblr who taught me that it was okay to hate those who don’t recognize that I am a rave,” says Bill. “I don’t think i’d ever have accepted my true rave nature if not for tumblr. Now I’m not just the life of the party, I am the party."

Many transgendered people find the rise of dime-a-dozen tumblr genders disconcerting. “I think folks like Bill Bradley make life harder on actual transgendered people who struggle with very real, very harmful discrimination,” says social activist Bernice Oldham. “The transgender community needs a great deal of help, support, and understanding from the rest of society, and people like Bill are making it harder for them to get that.”

Bill scoffs at the idea that plur's making life harder on transgendered people. “I am every bit as transgendered as actual transgendered people. I have suffered incredible injustice at the hands of those who don’t recognize that I am a rave,” says Bill. “And my fight for acceptance has made the world better for everyone."

Dubstep has taken the world by storm, but it’s popularity comes at a real cost. “Most people don’t realize just how dangerous dubstep is,” says safety expert Rufus Rongelle. “They don’t know dubsteps dubious history, they don’t know about the threat it poses to social stability, they don’t know about it’s relationship to satanism. They’re ignorant of it’s downside. That needs to change.”

It does, and that’s why Ravenews has teamed up with Rufus to help educate the masses about the downsides of dubstep.

1 - Dubstep was created by the U.S Military

You can’t talk about the dangers of dubstep without talking about the hows and whys of dubstep’s creation. In the late 1990s, scientists working at a covert military DARPA base were experimenting with ways to weaponize sound. Their discoveries lead to the creation of weapons like sound cannons, which police forces around the world now use to disperse protesters.

It isn’t widely known, but these scientists were responsible for the creation of dubstep. “It turns out that dubstep is weaponized sound,” says Rufus. “However, the effects of dubstep are very subtle and only become obvious over long stretches of time. That’s why the American government abandoned their dubstep initiative.”

Unfortunately, that didn’t stop one of the scientists from leaking dubstep to the public. “It’s a bit like the time the CIA created aids,” says Rufus. "They didn’t expect it spread as fast as it did. Now, we have people around the world who are slowly committing suicide via weaponized music, and they don’t even realize it."

2 - Dubstep causes unwanted pregnancies

One of the most startling effects of dubstep is that it makes birth control impossible. “Dubstep alters human biology on a granular level,” says Rufus. “One of the side effects of these changes is that traditional birth control no longer works. That’s why women who listen to dubstep are much more likely to get pregnant than those who don’t.”

The last ten years has seen a sharp rise in unwanted pregnancies, and the government has been loath to take responsibility for that. “No one wants to admit that dubstep is to blame,” says Rufus. “It’s important for people to educate themselves. If you listen to dubstep, make sure to use a condom, because the pill isn’t going to help you."

3 - Dubstep makes you shorter

One of the more serious side effects of dubstep is that it makes people shorter. “Teenagers who listen to dubstep pay a physical price for their taste in music,” says Rufus. “Studies show that teenage dubstep fans can expect to sacrifice at least four inches in height.”

The reason for this is that dubstep weakens the bodies ability to process nutrients. “It’s the same mechanism that causes all those unwanted pregnancies. Basically, dubstep confuses the body until it no longer knows how to digest things anymore."

4 - Dubstep is addictive

Dubstep is just as addictive as heroin. “Dubstep activates the same neural pathways that other addictive substances activate,” says Rufus. “It wreaks havoc on the brains dopaminergic system and utterly enslaves the nucleus accumbens, the part of the brain that manages feelings of reward and impulsivity. If you listen to a lot of dubstep, you’ll never be able to stop."

5 - Dubstep promotes Satanism

It’s been theorized that the scientist who leaked dubstep to the public was part of a satanic cabal. “There’s a lot of evidence to suggest that dubstep was really a satanic plot to bring down america,” says Rufus. “A lot of people think that’s outlandish, but before your readers dismiss it out of hand, they should really investigate satanism to properly understand the threat its adherents pose to world peace. I think, after reading all the literature, they’ll see that the idea that dubstep is a tool of Satan isn’t as ridiculous as it sounds. I think it’s pretty obvious that dubstep was created to honour Satan.”

Ravers in Montreal have gathered for first Galactic EDM Conference, a gathering of party promoters, music DJs, and party goers from around the world who are serious about colonizing the stars. “We believe that there just isn’t room for PLUR on planet earth,” says conference organizer Chad Chadwick, “And instead of struggling against the dominant cultural realities that plague our own planet, we should just start over somewhere else.”

The idea that ravers should colonize the stars isn’t a new one, but it’s picked up steam in recent years as more and more businesses start treating space colonies seriously. “After Elon Musk promised to land a human on mars, we realized the time to act was now,” says Chad. “We believe that ravers need to organize and start their own country, and the easiest way to do that would be to colonize the moon. ”

Participants at the Galactic EDM Conference will spend the weekend discussing ways to raise funds, build rockets, and organize politically to make their dream of establishing a moon colony a reality. “Just imagine a a country where raver ethics are the norm,” says Chad. “A country where PLUR isn’t just an idea, but a founding ideal baked right into the constitution. That’s what we’re aiming to accomplish.”

Many people think that Chad and his cohorts are starry eyed dreamers, but that hasn’t deterred them. “We’re realistic enough to realize that we’d never be able to create our own country on this planet without resorting to violence,” says Chad. “The lord knows we can’t just ask people to let us start our own country. We’re all been born into political systems we had no hand in crafting, and those systems are incredibly difficult to change through peaceful means. Colonizing the moon might sound unrealistic, but in thirty years it won’t be, and what we’re doing is laying the ground work so that we’re politically and financially ready for the technology once it matures. Ravers will have their own country on the moon. It’s going to happen.”

Surprisingly, several politicians are supportive of Chad’s ambitions. “I’m okay with sending all the drug addled party kids to the moon,” says Conservative MP Bailey Darthmouth. “I think it’s a win-win situation. The ravers get their own country, and we get rid of the ravers. I can get behind that plan."

Newspapers across the country are under fire after reprinting a controversial press release by the Alliance For Concerned Conservatives. “The press release claimed that Bob Marley pictures are hypnotizing young suburban white kids into becoming drug dealers,” says social activist Beverley Breitbart. “It’s racist nonsense, but that hasn't stopped the media from reprinting their message over and over again as if it were true.”

John Smith, president of the ACC, disputes the claim that his organization is racist. “We are not racist. It’s a scientific fact that Bob Marley pictures are turning our children into drug dealers,”says John. “We've been studying this matter for a long time. We have dozens of trained sociologists working around the clock investigating the noxious effects of sharing Bob Marley pictures over the internet. It’s a fact that nine out of ten white children who are exposed to images of Bob Marley will become drug dealers. This is science. You can’t argue with science.”

Beverley Breitbart is baffled by the ACC. “I don’t even understand how anyone can say the things they've said with a straight face,” says Beverley. “They’re obviously bigots, and they’re obviously unscientific, and yet the media continues to treat them seriously. It’s almost as if journalists generate fake controversies in order to sell more newspapers.”

Ingrid Ingerley, a representative for the Journalistic Integrity Foundation denies that the media is manufacturing fake outrage by covering press releases written by outfits like the Alliance For Concerned Conservatives. “The media in North America is fair and unbiased,” says Ingrid. “Our newspapers don’t generate fake controversies. If we’re covering groups claiming to have proof that black musicians are corrupting white children, it’s not because we’re in the outrage business or that we don’t care about perpetuating harmful stereotypes, it’s because we are pursuing the truth. Anyone who disagrees with what I just said is a delusional communist who should be thrown into the ocean and eaten by freedom loving sharks. God bless America.”

Activists like Beverley remain unconvinced. “I think newspapers are run by assholes,” says Beverley. “That’s the only thing that makes sense.”

Prison warden Alex LeBlanc of the Lanaudière Des Calaix Correctional institute is in hot water after letting inmates throw a rave. “I didn't think it would hurt anyone if the prisoners had a chance to enjoy themselves for a change,” says Alex. “The inmates had been on their best behaviour for over two months, with nary a violent incident reported during that time. The rave was a way of rewarding their good behaviour.”

Alex LeBlanc’s lan was never vetted with any of his superiors. “Prisoners shouldn't be allowed to rave,” says conservative M.P Chad Buttersmith. “Prison is a punishment, and while some might say that techno music is also a form of punishment, that’s beside the point. When you break the law, you shouldn't be rewarded with a dance party. The fact that Mr. LeBlanc allowed these prisoners the opportunity to organize and throw a rave is an absolute disgrace. The Canadian people deserve better than this. They need to know that criminals are paying for their crimes, not dancing to Skrillex.”

Alex is currently suspended from work pending an investigation. “Eh, if I lose my job over this, I don't care,” says Alex. “I don't think making prisoners suffer unduly is going to fix anything. If you don't reward good behaviour, don't be surprised if bad behaviour continues. I told these guys they'd be allowed to throw a rave if they didn't shiv anyone for two months. They kept their promise, I kept mine.”

Repairs to the sewer main beneath St-Michel boulevard had to be halted after workers discovered a settlement of ravers living in the fetid waters coursing under the streets of Montreal. “We were digging up parts of the boulevard when we started hearing yelling,” says construction worker Jean Cousteau. “That’s when we noticed tents beneath the pile of broken concrete we were tearing through.” The workers were shocked to discover that the sewer they were trying to fix was home to a dozens of ravers. “I never would have imagined that our sewers are inhabited by hoards of teenagers."

Urban archaeologist Ted Refuord says this is common in most large cities. “Huge mazes of abandoned pipes can be found beneath most large metropolitan cities,” says Ted. “Young people who are priced out of the rental market often turn to the sewers for affordable housing. Ravers are often poor and uneducated, so they're at greater risk of becoming sewer dwellers than your average citizen.”

Ex-sewer dweller Krystal Banner says it’s not just about the money. “It’s also about respect. I spent a year living in a fetid pool of dank, scummy water because I wanted to be closer to the music I listen to — my taste in music so underground, that the only way to respect it is to live beneath the streets. That’s where techno comes from, that’s where EDM is born, in the sewers.”

Krystal eventually moved out after getting vaginal gangrene. “Sure, living in the sewers wasn't a healthy decision,” says Krystal. “But it was worth it.”

Krystal’s time beneath the streets of Montreal weren't lonely, either. “There are dozens of raver settlements beneath Montreal,” says Krystal. “Ravers have laid claim to the tunnels beneath this city. They’re building a new empire built on underground music and sewage.”

An alliance of Montreal doctors have raised serious concerns about the safety of trampoline raves, indoor parties that take place on large trampolines that are the size of a hockey ring . “We want to warn our fellow citizens about the dangers inherent in raving on a giant, massive trampoline,” says Dr. Ruby Goldman. “I think it’s a miracle that no one who has attended one of these parties has broken a neck yet. It’s only a matter of time before that happens. Dancing on a trampoline for hours on end while drugged out of your mind is a bad idea.”

Trampoline rave promoter Jeff Bisou disagrees. “I think these doctors are overreacting,” says Jeff. “We take every precaution to ensure the safety of our customers. There’s a reason why no one has been hurt at one of our parties, and that’s because we’re serious about making sure nothing goes wrong. Yes, some of our customers are high on drugs. Yes, some of them are dehydrated. And yes, they are in fact dancing on a giant trampoline, but you know what? It’s fun, and we firmly believe that if it’s fun, it’s safe.”

World renowned safety expert Pierre Falardeau also believes that the doctors are overreacting. “I have spent decades studying safety,” says Pierre. “And I want to assure Montrealers that dancing on a giant trampoline while high on drugs isn't just safe, it’s a total blast. Everyone should try it at least once.”

Dr. Ruby Goldman isn't convinced. “I think Pierre has lost his wits if he’s telling people that trampoline raves are safe. You can't mix drugs, loud music, and acrobatics and expect things to go well for very long. Sooner or later, someone attending one of these trampoline raves is going to die. The government needs to step in and pass laws making these kind of parties illegal.”

A boating disaster has claimed the lives of at least forty ravers, with dozens more still unaccounted for. “It was the inaugural voyage of Montreal’s very first rave boat, The Mermaid,” says Bonny Smythe, who survived the incident.

“Imagine dancing the night away on the St-Lawrence river. That’s what the Mermaid was all about,” says Bonny. “It was a chance to dance where no one had danced before, right on the water. The boat had a custom made, fiberglass bottom so you could see the water beneath your feet. For the first few hours, it was an amazing night, but then everything went wrong.”

Forensic scientists say that the music was so loud, it caused the custom made fibreglass to crack. “The ship wasn't designed to handle that much bass,” says Sgt. Batista of the SPVM. “It crumpled beneath the weight of the music.”

Hunter Lavigne, the event organizer who designed the boat, is facing criminal charges for his role in the disaster. “At the moment, it’s still too early to determine the exact nature of the charges that Mr. Lavigne is facing,” says Sgt. Batista, “but we are confident that this isn't just a case of criminal negligence. We believe that the boat may have been deliberately sabotaged. We believe Mr. Lavigne knew that the boat couldn't handle the speakers he had installed into it. He never expected the boat to stay afloat. The Mermaid’s inaugural voyage was a suicide mission.”

Bonny still remembers the moment the water started rushing in to the boat. “It started a stampede,” says Bonny. "I know a lot of ravers drowned when the Mermaid went down, but some of them were also crushed to death by people desperate to get off the boat. The worst thing is, Hunter was laughing as everyone struggled to get off. He knew what he was doing. He wanted us to die out there. I hope he burns in hell."