A Montreal mother was arrested over the weekend for pimping out her daughter at a trap party. Promoter Kyle Hyah says he contacted police shortly after the woman and her daughter arrived at his event. “I had heard rumours about this lady renting her daughter out at trap parties, and I was furious that nothing had been done about it,” says Kyle. “I don’t usually throw trap events. I’m more of a happy hardcore guy, which is perhaps the most nuance and aesthetically developed music genre in existence. Anyways, since the trap community refused to put a stop to this mother’s abuse, I organized a party knowing she’d attend it so that I could call the cops on her once she showed up.”

Kyle’s actions are being praised by many trap fans, however he’s made lifelong enemies of several of Montreal’s trap promoters. Chad Jenkins, who has has thrown dozens of trap events over the last two years, says that snitches deserve stitches. “That moron Kyle went and ruined a good thing,” says Chad. “Prostitution shouldn’t be crime. Besides, if it wasn’t the mama pimping her out, it’d be some thug. Kyle didn’t save that girl from a life of whoring, he just ensured she’ll be working with someone who won’t be as gentle as her mama. Worst of all, now the trap community has one less thot at its events. That’s a damn shame and it’s all Kyle’s fault.”

Kyle doesn’t care about the enmity he’s earned. “I really hope the daughter doesn’t return to a life of prostitution, but if she does, I’ll just have to catch her next pimp the way I caught her mom.”

Woof Woof Palooza, a pitbull themed party organized by Toronto promoter Garth Fielderson, ended in tragedy after dozens of ravers were mauled by dogs. The event was billed as a pet lovers dream come true, and ravers who brought their pitbulls could attend for free. “It was supposed to be an opportunity for pit mommies and daddies to meet, network, and celebrate their love of pitbulls,” says attendee Jenna Plauteserré, “instead, it turned into a bloodbath of violence and regret.”

Police have arrested Mr. Fielderson on several charges, including animal cruelty and criminal negligence. That’s only the beginning of his legal woes, as many party goers are lining up to sue the promoter for damages. “Pitbulls are the some of the safest, nicest dogs in the world,” says Jenna. “The fact that so many of them went crazy and started biting people at this party suggests that the promoter failed to create a safe environment for them.”

Animal rights activist Brad Day agrees. “Let’s be brutally honest — raves are dangerous places for animals,” says Brad. “You shouldn’t lock a bunch of pitbulls in a room full of drug addled party kids. It’s a recipe for disaster. The dogs will be incredibly anxious, and in their anxiety they’ll end up doing what they have to do to make themselves feel better. In this case, the pitbulls decided to maul a bunch of ravers. Who can blame them? It’s a completely predictable response. I’m baffled that anyone thought a pitbull rave was a good idea.”

Police have arrested raver Charlotte Boucher in the death of her boyfriend Donald Goudebon. She allegedly killed him, cooked him, and then served his remains at a family BBQ. “Our hearts go out to the Goudebon family,” says Sgt. Roche Salt of the Montreal Police Department. “Donald’s death is a tragic loss, a life cut short in a most horrific manner.”

Cultural anthropologist Keith Dickson claims that while Donald’s death may be gruesome to mainstream sensibilities, it fits perfectly within the moral and cultural architecture of the rave community. “It’s not uncommon for ravers to kill, cook, and then eat their lovers,” says Keith. “Ritualistic cannibalism has a long and storied history among ravers. The practice originated in the United Kingdom during the Thatcher era. This was a traumatic time when neoliberalism was tearing communities apart. Ravers coped with Thatcherism by sublimating their economic anxiety through erotic nihilism. British ravers developed a form of cannibalistic courtship that continues to this day, and this practice eventually spread to the international EDM community. It might seem barbaric to our eyes, but it’s not our place to criticize ravers.”

Keith may not believe that raver cannibalism is inherently evil, but he is surprised by at least one aspect of Donald’s death. “Raver cannibalism is traditionally a solemn affair between two lovers -- it’s the culmination of their courtship,” says Keith. “The fact that Ms. Boucher included others in her man eating ceremony is a sign that rave culture continues to evolve in new and unexpected ways. It’s only a matter of time before this new form of raver cannibalism spreads to the rest of the EDM community. I think in the next few years, you’ll see more and more ravers surreptitiously feeding their friends and families human meat. That’s something to keep in mind the next time a raver invites yo

DJ Goapuppy, an up and coming psytrance star, made light of a horrific car crash he survived by loudly screaming “I AM GROOT!” at the paramedics who were treating him. The DJ’s body had been pierced by a massive tree branch after he was thrown out of his car while speeding down a rural road in Quebec’s Eastern Townships. DJ Goapuppy kept paramedics amused by pretending to be Marvel Comic’s sentient arboreal alien character Groot, a giant talking tree.

“Being impaled by a tree isn’t funny,” says DJ Goapuppy, “but I couldn’t help joke about my situation. There was I was on the ground, bleeding my guts out, and all I could think about was how I probably looked like some weird mutant half-man, half-tree creature.” The DJ says he found himself disassociating from his own body in an order to cope with the excruciating pain he was in. “Pretending to be Groot kept my sanity in check. It also turned a traumatic experience into something slightly more tolerable.”

The paramedics were impressed with the DJs levity. “It’s not often that you find someone joking about being mutilated by a tree,” says first responder Kyle Manson. “DJ Goapuppy was a real trooper. He not only survived a horrific car accident, he turned it into acomedy routine that he’ll be able to use to pick up women for years to come.”

The DJ agreed. “I am totally getting laid by sharing this story with nerdy women. I’ll show them my scars and tell them all about the time I got serious about cosplaying as Groot. I’ll be irresistible at comic-con.”

Promoters for The Happiest Party Ever, a happy hardcore rave that boasted a lineup of over a dozen DJs, were disappointed after only one paying customer attended their event. “I’m absolutely devastated by this outcome,” says organizer John Booth. “It feels like I was shot right in the heart.” His business partner Thierry Divine agrees. “We invested over fifteen thousand dollars in this party, booked a bunch of incredibly talented DJs, and splurged on a top of the line sound system. The decorations were out of this world, the venue was impeccable. This party could have been something special, but in the end, no one cared enough to show up.”

Alice Lincoln, the sole raver who bothered to attend, said she had a great time despite the fact that she was the only person on the dance floor. “It was like they had hired all of these DJs just for me,” says Alice. “I felt like a Queen. I was the centre of the world for one special night. I’m sad that no one else was there to share in the experience, but I’ll always remember The Happiest Party Ever as one of the most amazing nights of my life.”

Rival promoter Todd Rodderson, who specializes in terrorcore events, says he’s not surprised that The Happiest Party Ever flopped. “No one listens to happy hardcore,” says Todd. “Happy Hardcore wasn’t even popular back in the nineties, when it originated. And everyone who used to listen to it back then pretends that they never did. They’re too embarrassed by their old taste in music. Hell, I’ve heard of people being fired for liking happy hardcore. Listening to happy hardcore is only slightly above racist Roseanne Barr tweets in terms of social acceptability. People won’t look at you like a bigot if you’re a happy hardcore enthusiast, but they will look at you like you’re a socially awkward weirdo. They’ll wonder about your mental health and your emotional wellbeing. They certainly won’t want to be around you.”

The citizens of Wichtopi, a small village of three hundred people hidden away in the valleys of Minnesota, have had it with ravers. The pestilent party goers had been camping out on the outskirts of the village near Reverend McMullin’s dairy farm, blasting loud and obnoxiously repetitive techno music that had traumatized his cows and caused at least one goat to die of a heart attack. The ravers antics got so bad that Mayor Godwick Bogart decided his only option was to form an angry mob of villages to chase them out of town.

“We Minnesotans are a tolerant people, but even we have our limits,” says Mayor Bogart. “These ravers came to our village and abused our hospitality. They spat on our kindness and our consideration, they took advantage of our good nature, and they abused our openness of heart. They squatted on our lands, they ate our crops, they publicly defecated on our streets! And most importantly, they kept playing that terrible beep beep boop bop music, that so-called techno. We asked them to leave and they didn’t, so we gathered our pitchforks and we lit our torches and we made them leave.”

Once the area by Reverend McMullin’s farm was cleared of ravers, the mob held an impromptu picnic in celebration of their victory over the heathen degenerates that had despoiled their quaint and quiet little village. The ravers were last seen driving towards Saint Paul in their torched out fluorescent pink school bus.

A shocking report by The Urban Metrics Institute was released on Thursday that claims that over sixty five percent of recent female high school graduates supplement their income through cam girl shows. “Our jaws dropped when we started crunching the numbers,” says lead researcher Ray Nouvel. “We interviewed over five thousand 18 year old female high school graduates, and discovered that over three thousand of them have worked as cam girls at least once over the last twelve months. Those numbers are terrifying. This means that when you’re walking down the street, a majority of the young women you see are sex workers.”

The researchers are at a loss to explain why so many of these teenage girls have chosen to work in pornography. “The economy’s better than it’s been in quite some time, so money’s not the main culprit for this explosion in perversity and moral degeneracy,” says Ray. “Something else is at work. Is it the internet that’s shredding what’s left of female modesty? Are our schools becoming training grounds for prostitutes? Is this happening because of climate change? No one knows.”

Tyler Cotton, a 19 year old cam girl from Saskatoon, says that she started doing shows for emotional and spiritual validation. “My life feels meaningless,” says Tyler. “Stripping for strangers over the internet helps me remember that I’m alive, that I’m wanted, that I actually matter on some dehumanizing, utterly soul-crushing level. I mean, it’s not the most noble job in the world, but I feel so spiritually and socially impoverished that I’ll take what I can get.”

A drunk police officer who was getting his groove on at a Montreal rave is in serious trouble after his dance moves lead to the accidental shooting of 19 year old Westmount resident Theresa Lemay. The officer’s firearm tumbled to the ground after he did a somersault when the DJ started playing Blackout Crew’s “Put A Donk On It”. This resulted in his gun sending a bullet into Ms. Lemay’s arm.

The officer quickly picked up his gun after it was discharged, and tried to nonchalantly leave the party, but his partner restrained him. He is currently facing a disciplinary hearing while his superiors decide if they should press charges against him. That decision could come as soon as next week.

Ms. Lemay is expected to make a full recovery according to the Montreal Police. In a statement, the Urban Dance Patrol division of the SPVM said that their police officer “was not following protocol. His actions are not in line with what we expect from our police officer, and we will be taking measures to ensure that such an event never repeats itself. The UDP exists to protect Montreal’s nightlife, not to shoot it up.”

Montreal DJ Dunkadonk, who was playing at the event where the firing took place, says it’s the first time he ever saw an officer shoot a raver. “It traumatized me,” says the DJ. “I’m going to have nightmares of people getting shot whenever I play Donk music from now on. That police officer ruined my music career.”

Erin Nico, a 45 year old single mother from Etobicoke, was arrested this week for running a multi-million dollar drug ring from her two story home. “A lot of people get involved in the drug trade, but it’s not often that we find affluent soccer moms running operations of this size,” says Sgt. Lena Lovelace of the Toronto Police Force. “This was a very large bust. We seized over twenty million dollars worth of meth, and even more in cash. Ms. Lovelace played a large role in supplying the city of Toronto with this drug, and now that we’ve dismantled her operation, the city will be a much safer place.”

The police had been investigating Ms. Nico ever since she got into a physical altercation over a toy drive at her daughter’s school. “There was a brawl that she was involved in at Saint Lisa High School during a charity event,” says Sgt. Lovelace. “The police were called, but when they arrived no one was willing to talk about what had happened. That raised our suspicions that something less than kosher was going on.”

It wasn’t long before police realized that Ms. Nico had been using charity toy drives to smuggle and sell drugs. “She would buy thousands of teddy bears for these charity fundraisers, and ship them all across the country,” says Sgt. Lovelace. “Her teddy bear deliveries would always include a few crates of bears that were stuffed with crystal meth. We still don’t know what started the brawl at her daughter’s high school, but if it had never happened, we probably wouldn’t have discovered her operation.”

A Kingston DJ was arrested over the weekend after police caught him trying to trade his girlfriend for fifteen grams of ketamine. “We had undercover agents at a party the suspect was playing at, and our officers moved in when they realized what he was trying to do,” says Sgt. Belfast of the Greater Kingston Police Force. “The DJ put up no resistant and his girlfriend is safe and sound.”

Kingston rave promoter Ted Ruckspin says that it’s not the first time a local DJ has tried to trade a human being for ketamine. “It happens at least once a month,” says Ted. “Sometimes it even happens twice. Kingston has a pretty rotten rave culture, and the DJs here are in the habit of trading people for drugs. Usually their girlfriends, but sometimes it’ll be their grandparents. I remember once when a DJ tried trading his grandmother for an eight ball of cocaine. It’s messed up.”

The police say that they’ll be upping their presence in the city’s rave scene in order to dissuade DJs from human trafficking. “As long as the rave scene tolerates DJs that treat human beings as commodities, they can expect a heavy police presence at their parties,” says Sgt. Belfast. “If they don’t want us riding their asses, then they need to put an end to human trafficking at their events. People shouldn’t be traded for drugs. It’s pretty simple. Don’t trade your girlfriend, your brother, your uncle or anyone else for cocaine or meth or whatever. Just don’t do it.”

Adult diapers are the new fashion trend that’s taking Brooklyn by storm — and leaving the rest of the world scratching its head. You can’t walk down two blocks in the homeland of hipsterdom without finding half a dozen people strutting around in diapers. “Forget Supreme, Pendleton, or Upstate,” says fashion maven Deloris Filbad, “the real style czars are Depends, Equate, and Tena. If you want to look cool in Brooklyn, you’ve got to trade in your jeans and skirts for some fashionable adult diapers.”

Brooklynite Levi Madsen enthusiastically agrees. “I used to be a total loser,” says Levi. “But then I started wearing adult diapers around town, and now women and men can’t keep their hands off me. I’ve never been this popular in my entire life. It’s amazing” Levi isn’t the only one who has seen their social lives benefit from the adult diaper fad. Darlene Ambient, a 24 year old gymnast from Williamsburg, says that ever since she’s joined the adult diaper crowd, her social life has been a non stop party. “When you walk around in public in diapers, everyone wants to be your friend,” says Darlene. “My phone won’t stop ringing with people who want to sleep with me. It’s weird.”

Fashion gurus outside of Brooklyn are baffled by the trend, but believe it’s only a matter of time before the rest of the world decides to join in the piss absorbing fun. “Aesthetically, I don’t find diapers all that interesting from a fashion standpoint,” says famed fashion designer Leonardo Guccabini, “culturally, they’re revolutionary. That’s why I’ll be working very hard to create an aesthetically pleasing adult diaper that will better reflect its value as an instrument of cultural subversion. Keep your eyes out for my next fashion show, it’s going to be a real stinker.”