Montreal's Festive Fedoras has only been in business for five years, but during that time, store owner Franky Banner has helped thousands of lovelorn men find their way into the hearts and hearths of the fairer sex. "It's a little known secret," says Franky, "but fedoras are the ultimate aphrodisiac. A woman sees a man in a fedora, and she can't help but go a little weak in the knees."

Festive Fedoras is the largest fedora shop in North America. "We sell thousands of fedoras to young men every day. Our online operations are second to none," says Franky. "We were able to corner the fedora market by focusing on its sex appeal. Fedoras are talismans of sexual potency, they embody manliness and harken back to an era of ribald masculinity that has been eviscerated by feminism and all of its attendant evils. When a man wears one of our fedoras, he's telling the world he's an agent of sexual devastation, a veritable atom bomb of clitoral annihilation whose sole purpose in life is to make women scream out in wild delirious erotic joy."

Women agree. "Oh, I can't help but want to throw myself at a man in a fedora," says Jessica Winters, a 34 year old accountant. "That's how i met my husband. I saw him walking down the street with a wide rimmed brown suede fedora, and I knew I had to have him."

Lisa Lapin, a 19 year old fashion model, is another fan of the hat. "Fedoras are the Axe Body Spray of hats," says Lisa. "When a woman sees a man in a fedora, a sexual switch flips off in her brain that screams ravage me, you delicious morsel of man meat."

Evolutionary psychologist Joseph Beaudoin says that even science agrees with the sexual potency of the fedora. "Dozens of studies have been conducted which show that fedoras possess an unusually powerful seductive effect on women," says Joseph. "The current theory for why women respond so aggressively to the fedora is that it taps into a vestigial collective memory of the 1940s, when men truly ruled the world. This memory arouses them on a deep, subliminal level."

Bar owner Winston Feathers is another champion of the classic hat. "Over at my pub, the bartenders have a bag of fedoras they keep behind the counter," says Winston. "When they see one of our patrons strike out with a woman, they hand the guy a free fedora. It's out way of keeping our customers happy. Nine times out of ten, that guy will end the night with another woman on his arms. That's how powerful fedoras are. No fedora on your head? You strike out. Fedora covering your cranium? You hit a home run straight into the welcoming thighs of lady love."

Franky Banner is happy about the popularity of his beloved hat. "I like making people happy," says Franky. "Knowing that my fedoras are helping single men find love? That warms my heart. It's like i'm playing cupid on a grand scale."

Fashion watchers from around the world are aghast at the latest fashion fad to invade the streets of Montreal. "Everybody is town is wearing fanny packs," says fashion designer Jerome Lemieux. "Montreal is often a bellwether for fashion trends in other parts of the world, so you've got folks in the industry who are nervous about the prospects of fanny pack madness sweeping the globe."

Jessica Bloom, a fanny pack sporting 24 year old McGill student, says she can't imagine life without her awkward looking fashion accessory. "It's not just because I'm trying to be ironic," says Jessica. "Fanny-packs are practical, pragmatic, and pretty in their own clunky way. All of my friends wear fanny-packs. All of them. If they didn't own, i don't think I'd even want them in my life."

Urban historian Alex Waltz says the trend started in late 2011, after some high-end designers tried to rebrand the fanny-pack. Calling their creations "belted-satchels", these designers tried selling their bags for thousands of dollars to fashion challenged yuppies. "The belted-satchel trend never took off, but a couple of hipsters in Montreal latched on to the idea of fanny-packs being fashionable again." says Alex. "Fanny-packs were in because of how out they used to be."

Montrealers take their fanny-packs very seriously. Josh Brodin, a bouncer at Club St-Therese, has stopped many fanny-pack inspired brawls over the last six months. "There isn't a week that goes by without at least one fanny-pack rage incident" says Josh Broding. "These days, the greatest faux-pas you can make in Montreal is teasing somebody over their fanny pack. That's like asking someone to punch you in the face. Two months ago, one guy at our club got shot in the face because he wouldn't apologize after making fun of another patron's fanny-pack."

Mabel Louis, a veteran New York fashion journalist, hopes that the fanny-pack trend doesn't travel far beyond Montreal's borders. "Montreal has given us a lot of great things, but a resurgent interest in fanny-packs would not be one of them."

Mathieu Alucard, a 33 year old party promoter from NDG, was taken into custody over the weekend after allegedly biting off a street vendor's penis. Mr. Alucard denies playing any role in the attack. "I am not responsible for the heinous crimes that I've been accused of," says Mathieu. "I have never bitten anybody's penis off. Not only that, but I haven't even ever had a penis in my mouth. My heart goes out to the street vendor, but I am not the man who has deprived him of his manhood. Someone else committed the crime, and the more time police waste on prosecuting me, the more likely the real criminal will escape justice."

The victim, who sells hacky sacks at Mont-Royal's Tam-Tams, was setting up his booth when a man accosted him. Montreal's Tam-Tams, a weekly gathering of hippies and potheads who play the bongos takes place every Sunday, and is well known for its peace loving atmosphere. The attack has some people wondering if more security is needed on the Mountain. "It used to be so safe here, but if people are getting body parts bitten off now, maybe the police need to step up their presence," says Judith Bloom, a 45 year old bongo enthusiast who has been attending the Tam-Tams for over two decades. "I don't know what this world is coming to when a guy can't even sell hacky sacks without someone biting off his penis."

Jason Dugat, a 23 year old yoga instructor, witnessed the brutal assault. "I was just practicing my asanas in the park when I noticed a guy in the corner of my eye getting jumped. By the time I got up to help him, the poor hackey sack sellers pants were around his knees, and there was blood everywhere. It was horrifying. His attacker just ran off into the woods, blood and bits of flesh dribbling from his mouth."

Police arrested Mr. Alucard after receiving numerous tips from people familiar with the promoter, claiming that he was undoubtedly responsible for the attack. "Matt is infamous among Montreal party-goers for his reputation as a toothless crotch biter," says Noah Davidson, a club owner who has worked with Mr. Alucard in the past. "He just wanders around his parties, sneaking up on men and biting them in the crotch. His bites were never this violent, but I guess after getting away with his actions for so long, he felt emboldened."

Mr. Alucard strenuously denies all allegations that he's ever engaged in routine genital assaults. "I just want to reiterate that I have not now, nor ever, bitten anybody's penis. At least not against their will."

The Conservative Party has succeeded in passing the Anka Act, despite widespread protests around the country. The new law, which has drawn comparisons to Republican anti-abortion initiatives south of the border , has united social justice groups from around the nation in indignation. "Once again, elderly white men are passing laws aimed at harassing young women," says Patrice Samus of the Equality Ascending Institute. "And I hope women across the country will show them the door by voting the conservatives out of office in the next election."

The Anka Act mandates that abortion providers must play Paul Anka's 1974 hit "You're Having My Baby" on loop in their wait rooms. The Anka Act was the brain child of Gerald Bunning, the 74 year old Conservative MP who represents the rural community of Oxford, Alberta. "Society has gone down the road wrong," said Mr. Bunning in a press release he issued following the act's passing. "There was a time when men were men, women were women, and everyone loved Paul Anka. I wanted to bring that time back."

Mr. Bunning says the idea for the act came to him after a discussion with his third wife, Yvonne. "My darling wife had just read a story about a 17 year old boy in Toronto who had shot his friend in the face after listening to a type of music called dubstep. Listening to dubstep had apparently driven this young child into a violent nihilistic rampage. Yvonne said that if kids these days are incited to violence by the music they listen to, why couldn't these wayward children of sin be won over to decency through the magic of old Canadian pop songs? And it was like she lit a lightbulb over my head. They say that behind every great man is a great woman, and there's some truth to that."

After Mr. Bunning's discussion with Yvonne, it occured to him that he could score a victory for social conservatives with the help of Paul Anka's classic hit. "Decades ago, Mr. Anka penned the best anti-abortion anthem ever written. If abortion clinics were forced to play his song every minute of every day, maybe the young women seeking their services would think twice about butchering their unborn children. Maybe hearing Paul Anka tell them that they're having his baby would make them want to keep that baby."

When Mr. Bunning consulted with the other members of his party, he found that they overwhelmingly favoured his idea of forcing abortion seekers to listen to Paul Anka. "Most of us conservatives came of age listening to the wonderful songs of true musicians like Pat Boone, Guy Lombardo and Paul Anka. We believe that social policies rooted in the past will help pave the way towards a more moral future. Conservatives love Paul Anka and now women across the great country of Canada will learn to love him too."

Patrice Samus thinks the Anka Act is likely to backfire. "It's a tone deaf policy built around a tone deaf song," says Patrice. "This will cost the Conservatives at the ballot box. I think the Anka Act is the most patronizing law that has ever been passed in the history of our country, and that's saying something."

The latest craze to hit Montreal's nightlife isn't for the modest -- pantless partiers have taken the city by storm, which has lead to some heavy hand wringing by social conservatives. "Montreal has become a cesspool of immorality. Every year, the people just get more and more decadent. Decency isn't common anymore, it's uncommon," says Rev. Jacques Lavigne of the Kirkland Baptist Church. "People shouldn't party without their pants on. It's just not right."

Pantless partying owes its popularity to Burning Man's shirtcockers, a tribe of upper class middle aged white men who prowl Black Rock desert every year wearing nothing but t-shirts. "Half naked rich white guys are the heart of Burning Man," says anthropologist Kitty Whales, who has spent the last decade studying the annual festival. "Affluent caucasian males congregate in the desert, in the hopes of escaping a deep seated sense of spiritual desolation. They find this escape by appropriating the cultures of marginalized and oppressed groups, and the results are often very awkward. For example, many of these men make a point of not wearing pants during the festival, because they believe displays of nudism brings them closer to nature, allowing them to tap into a distant, primal past when all mankind was a united brotherhood that lived in the wide open plains of the African savannah."

Several affluent men from Montreal, returning from their Burning Man pilgrimage, found the idea of partying without pants on to be so liberating, that they started throwing pants free parties in the city. "Dancing without pants on is almost a religious experience," says Louis Sartre, a 42 year old actuary and part time Trance DJ. "When I came back from Burning Man, I just wanted to party with my pants off all the time. So I started throwing my own underground Rock Out With Your Cock Out parties. Our first event took place in an abandoned tunnel in St-Henri, and about ninety people showed up. It was a good, mixed gender crowd, the dancing was epic, and yes, there were planty of happy sausages swinging in the breeze. It was a magical night. "

These days, it's hard to find a party in town that doesn't at least tolerate male genitalia dangling for all to see. "It doesn't matter what music you listen to, it could be dubstep, it could be psytrance, it could be grindcore or hip hop, more and more parties are being flooded with shirtcockers," says Bob Goodwin, a happy hardcore party promoter. "It's getting to the point where about twenty percent of all male party goers are naked from the waist down. Montreal is pretty much cock central after 10pm."

Shirtcocking's popularity has inspired a backlash by some partygoers who would rather not have to look at cocks flapping around while they're on the dance floor. "It's annoying. Months ago, I was in the zone, dancing to Skrillex at this party, when all of a sudden some naked guy bumps into me. I don't want random cocks slapping into me at parties," says John Trudeau, a McGill University student and pro-pants activist. "That's why I started PantsOn Patrol, we're a group of fed-up party goers who carry extra pairs of pants with us whenever we party, and gently ask semi-naked men to suit up. And if they don't put on a pair, we kick them in the nuts."

The PantsOn Patrol aren't the only anti-shirtcockers out there. "We're just a small part of the resistance," says John. "There are hundreds of likeminded activist groups taking root in the city. We're not going to let shirtcockers win. For every half naked man you see at party, there's going to be one of us out there with a backpack full of pants for them to wear. This is a war, a pants war, and we're going to win it."

Montreal party-goers are mad for coffee enemas, many of whom swear that it's the best thing since crystal meth. "I'm not as young as i used to be," says Chantal Julliard, a 25 year old nurse who moonlights as a go-go dancer, "and I don't think i'd be able to keep up with all those teenagers on the dance floor if it wasn't for my weekly coffee enema."

Coffee enemas are an old folklore remedy, practiced by thousands of naturopaths around the world. "It's like a regular enema, except the liquid solution you use to cleanse your colon is delicious, heart palpitating coffee" says Dr. Patrick Brandt. "A coffee enema is the quickest caffeine fix you can possibly experience."

Coffee enemas became popular among party goers after Club Trounoire started offering the service. "I'm a huge fan of enemas," says Max Welt, Trounoire's owner. "I've tried them all. Liquid soap enemas, green tea enemas, cayenne pepper enemas, and I loved them all, but none of those set a fire in my belly the way my first coffee enema did. It was a life changing experience, and I knew the first time I felt that caffeine jolt coursing up my body, that it was something that could revolutionize the way people party. Imagine a world where you can stay up all night without taking crystal meth or line after line of cocaine?"

Max set up a coffee enema stand right next to Club Trounoire's bar. The stand, which is decorated with giant neon coffee beans, is operated by a certified naturopath who gently introduces revellers to a very different caffeinated experience. "Our most popular coffee enema service is the two tunnel express," says Max, "it's a heart racing adventure that pushes coffee up one end of your body while you chug down your choice of microbrew through a beer bong at the other end of your body. People love it. It's a one of a kind thrill."

The coffee enemas at Club Trounoire proved so popular, that these days it's hard to find a night life event that doesn't offer them. "It's not really a party if no one's offering coffee enemas," says Joyce Rigault, a 25 year old raver from Mascouche. "I remember what partying was like before they hit the scene, and I don't think there's any going back to those dark ages. Coffee enemas are here to stay."