Lee Jendrensen and his flatmate Dan Herzog took peyote on Friday night, then decided it was time to move out of their apartment. "We were really stoned," says Dan. "I don't know what went through our minds, but we decided that we were fed up with our apartment, so we needed to move."

Lee laughs just thinking about it. "We started packing our stuff, putting it in boxes," says Lee. "We didn't have anywhere to move to. We were just going to put all our shit on the sidewalk and find a new place to live."

At around 2:30am, Lee and Dan had emptied out their apartment of most small items. "We're lucky no one was outside ransacking our shit," says Dan. "Seriously, we had dozens and dozens of boxes piled all over the place, and the two of us were so out of it, we wouldn't have noticed people stealing our stuff."

Finished with all the knick knacks and small items, the intoxicated duo decided it was time to move on to the big furniture pieces. "We started by moving a few couches, then our beds. Finally, we decided to get rid of this giant steel desk in Lee's room," says Dan. "It was massive, and we had no idea what we were doing. We just kept dropping the thing on the ground, making a huge amount of noise."

The ruckus they caused woke up several of their neighbours, none of which were pleased with the pair. "This giant hulking Russian guy lives right below us," says Lee. "He marched up to our apartment and asked us what the hell we thought we were doing. We told him we were moving. He told us it was 4 in the morning. We started laughing. And that's when he started hitting us."

Lee's face is still swollen. He showed Rave News several gashes he received. "The beating wouldn't have stopped had the neighbours not intervened. They pulled him off me. The rest of the night is a blur for both of us, but when we woke up, our boxes were back in the apartment, though I think the landlord's going to kick us out.

Dan doesn't look quite as bad as his flatmate, but he did lose a tooth during the assault. "When I woke up, one of my molars was gone. Peyote is a hell of a drug."

Ian Portmanteau, a small time rave promoter, has started a sideline business hacking laundry cards. "I have a device that reprograms laundry cards so that you can get free loads," says Ian. "It works with nearly all card enabled laundry machines. I can fix any card for twenty bucks, guaranteeing ravers fresh undies for life."

Last month, the daring entrepreneur set a laundry card hacking booth up at one of his illegal parties. He invited ravers to bring in their cards to be reprogrammed. "I posted a message on a popular web forum, told everyone who was interested that I'd hook them up. I made about $600 that night. Business was good."

Ian's laundry card hacking business has so far been limited to the occasional rave, and a smattering of small buildings inside the McGill ghetto. "I'm currently focused on hard partying university students. They tend to piss themselves pretty often, so their laundry budgets are insane. However, that market is starting to dry up, so I plan to expand my reach."

The next step, he says, is to hang out in front buildings with laundry card enabled laundromats, asking tenants if they'd like a taste of freedom. "I think I can make solid money if I approach laundry card hacking the way petty drug dealers approach selling crack."

Ian doesn't know if his plan will succeed. "It might be a seasonal thing, where I'll have to target new students every year during frosh week. I'm not sure how viable this business is year round. Even if I don't succeed in making a living off of it, it's definitely a nice way to make a few extra thousand dollars a year."

19 year old rave promoter George Spiegel has been elected the mayor of DesLauriers, a sleepy hamlet in eastern Quebec, after charges of corruption derailed incumbent Wallace LaSagesse's campaign for re-election. Late in the race, a city clerk leaked damning papers to the press which showed that Wallace had been lining the pockets of his family's construction business with city funds.

Wallace had been the mayor of DesLauriers for the last sixteen years, and has run unopposed in three of the last four elections. This year, after several fights with city hall, George Spiegel decided to throw his hat in the race and challenge the now disgraced ex-mayor.

"It was an accident of fate," says Ernest Kirouac, a local community activist. "George Spiegel was the only alternative. It was either vote for the raver or vote for the crook. The community chose the raver."

Mayor Spiegel is ecstatic with his electoral victory. "I got involved in town politics after Wallace made it nearly impossible for me to throw raves here. He kept passing bylaws that specifically targeted the parties i'd been throwing since I was 16. He'd pass curfews, loitering laws, and absurd zoning regulations in order to obstruct my ability to party. I got fed up and decided to run for office. I knew it was a long shot, but anyone who has ever had to deal with Wallace knows just how corrupt he is, so i'm not entirely surprised that I won."

Elizabeth Trudeau, the city clerk who leaked the reports, is glad to see Wallace booted out. "George Spiegel isn't the first teenager to be elected mayor of a small," said Elizabeth. "And few of the teenagers who have found themselves in political office, have done worse than their adult counterparts, and some of them have done much, much better. As inexperienced as George Spiegel might seem, I believe he will make a far better mayor than Wallace LaSagesse."

Mayor Spiegel has big plans for DesLauriers. "I'm an entrepreneur and an entertainer. My goal as mayor is to put DesLauriers on the map as a festival mecca. I will make it the Black Rock of the north, a town that is famous for its festive party culture. I'll be putting forward countless initiatives to make this town the most rave friendly in the world. Tourists will flock from all over to visit, and they will bring tourist dollars with them. It's going to be epic."

Club promoter Don LeBron was arrested on charges of animal cruelty after police shut down what they described as an unbelievable and unspeakably cruel party. "The accused had a monthly event where people could bet on fights between rare and endangered animals," says officer Evelyn Sparks. "We have recovered several dozen beasts from the accused's property, including an amazonian manatee, two peacocks, several baby kangaroos, the list goes on. It will take time sorting through all the creatures and finding them new homes."

The disgraced club promoter had been collecting rare animals for years, pitting them against each other in death matches. Over time, the fights evolved into giant bacchanalian parties, full of drugs and naked people.

"In recent months, the accused started letting his more affluent party goers have sex with his animals. When we shut down the party, we found a maid-outfit clad koala bear tied to a bed. Thankfully, veterinarians tell us that the Australian marsupial was not the victim of a sexual assault that night. Had we shown up an hour later, it might have been a different story. Montreal's nightlife has long been known for being wild, but this is going several steps too far."

The promoter remains defiantly unrepentant. "As humans, we have a right to do whatever we want to do to animals" says Don. "You don't see the police arresting anyone for harvesting animals in massive cramped factories, living in conditions of true intolerable cruelty. My beasts were treated like royalty between matches. They lived lives of ease. Yeah, now and then they'd have to fight each other, but animals like fighting. It's in their blood."

He also defended his decision to allow bestiality to take place at his events. "Sure, ravers would occasionally have sex with some of my beasts, but so what? Animals are horny. Dick is dick and pussy is pussy, it doesn't matter if you're a dog, a goat, a lion, or a man. It's the same damn thing."

Jerome Withers, a spokesperson for The Montreal Rave Alliance, says that Don LeBron is just the latest in a string of promoters besmirching the city's nightlife. "I don't think that bestiality and animal fighting is representative of what raving is about," says Jerome. "Just because some ravers have sex with dogs and pay to see peacocks fight each other, doesn't mean all ravers do that. Don has managed to undermine the already fragile reputation the rave community has in the eyes of the city, and I just want to emphatically say his events are not reflective of what most parties in Montreal are like."

John Devlin was on his way to Picnic Psychedelic last week when his girlfriend, Mandy Jenkins, attacked him on the street with a tomato sandwich. "I'm allergic to salicylates, a chemical compound found in many natural foods, including tomatoes," John told Rave News. "When Mandy hit my face with that tomato sandwich, she was trying to kill me. She knows all about my allergies."

John's entire body was covered in hives within minutes of the attack. "Allergic reactions are nothing to laugh about. They can come fast and furious, and they can be deadly. I had to be rushed to the hospital, and the police aren't taking this seriously at all. They think it's a joke."

Police refused to comment on the case, but community activists for the Men's Rights League of Montreal have vowed to pursue justice on John's behalf. "John was sadistically attacked by his girlfriend, but as in many cases of domestic abuse in which women instigate attacks men, not always with vegetables, the police turn the other cheek. There is a clear pattern of discrimination in this justice system which refuses to acknowledge that women are also capable of being violent. Just because it was a sandwich, doesn't mean his girlfriend wasn't using deadly force."

Thomas Frenettiere, Mandy's best friend, wasn't surprised by her attack. "She caught John messaging with a girl on Facebook, and Mandy's really jealous," said Thomas. "The last time one of her boyfriends spoke to another woman, she set his house on fire. She does cute things like that, it's really adorable."

Mandy insists that she's done nothing wrong. "Yes, I know John's deathly allergic to tomatoes. I hope he's learned his lesson."

Erin and Leroi Jenkins also defended their daughters actions. "Girls will be girls," said Erin. "You know how they are at that young age."

John has tried to break up with Mandy, but she refuses to acknowledge that the two are no longer together. "She just refuses to take no for an answer, and the police refuse to let me file a restraining order," John said. "I went dancing with some friends on Monday, and she showed up and started chasing me with a tomato again. This whole ordeal has been terrifying. I might have to move cities just to get rid of her."

Mandy thinks John's just overreacting. "He's playing hard to get. He knows we're meant for each other."

Henry Pattel, a 65 year old homeless man, deejayed at Lunar Ellipse 2012 after its promoter, Doug Vernes, mistook the ratty bum for one of his headliners. "I've been throwing parties for so long, I don't even know who the hell plays at my events any more," said Doug. "When that homeless man walked up to the DJ booth and asked if he was on next, I just shrugged my shoulders and went back to snorting cocaine off the nubile rump of a young seventeen year old boy named Carlos."

DJ Headtrix was supposed to play the slot taken over by the homeless man. "I asked Doug who the dirty looking old guy that highjacked my set was, but he ignored me," said Headtrix. "Trying to talk to Doug while he's getting ass is impossible, so I decided to take control of the situation. I approached the DJ booth to get to the bottom of things, but just as I was going to ask that geezer what he was doing, he turns to me, snarls and barks, then bites my hand. Like a rabid dog. I wasn't getting paid enough for that shit, so I left. I'm never playing another of Doug's parties."

The ravers were oblivious to the fact that a homeless person was on the decks. One attendee, Sean Marois, said it was some of the best music he ever heard. "If that was a homeless guy playing, than he was like an errant knight who wandered into our party, took control of our beats, and brought down some epic bass," said Sean. "His set was just as sick as everyone else's."

Music critic Donna Winters agrees. "I'm not surprised that people couldn't tell the difference between a homeless person pretending to be a DJ and a real DJ. It's like those wine taste tests -- when people don't know the brand, they'll rate a $5 bottle just as highly as a $5000 bottle on taste alone. Humans aren't that bright."

As for Henry Pattel, he wandered off shortly after playing his set, with a scantily clad raver on each of his arms. One of the girls, Lucy Gouin, gushed about his talents. "He's just as good in bed as he is on the decks," said Lucy. "I hope he'll play more parties."

Roger Leslie stabbed Rufus Cote after the two couldn't resolve their musical differences. "Rufus was all about indie music. When I couldn't get him to see what a genius Skrillex is, I decided I had to kill him," said Roger. "So I stabbed him fifty five times with a knife, then I set his body on fire, then I crushed his charred remains with a hammer. I think the only way to deal with people who don't like the same music you like is to kill them in a horrifying violent manner."

Many people agree with Roger's thinking. "People hate each other because they like different phone operating systems, different video game companies, different gods," said music critic Carls Noyeau. "Of course ravers are going to hate each other for liking different types of repetitive electronic sounds. And if they're going to hate each other over matters of taste, it's only logical that they should be true to their hatred, and start stabbing their musical opponents to death."

Not everyone is sure that psychotic murder is the right way to deal with these minor differences. "I think forming cliques that dehumanize and mock people who have different aesthetic sensibilities is a better alternative to killing," said Lea Turgeon. "Killing people might seem like a good idea in the short term, but think about how disastrous it'd be if everyone had the same taste in music? We wouldn't have any one to look down on anymore. I'm not in favour of brutally killing musical dissenters the way some members of the rave community are. I think, in the long term, killing our musical adversaries would be a mistake. Instead, I think we need to humiliate them until they want to kill themselves."

Roger disagrees. "Lea is a pacifist in a world that requires war. I might be going to jail for killing Rufus, but I'm doing God's work. Anyone who doesn't like dubstep should convert or die. I'm calling for a holy war on the musical infidels of the world. People need to learn that there's only one true music genre, and it's Dubstep, and Skrillex is its prophet."

Researchers at Roxboro University have released another study showing that ketamine is bad for your health, something doctors have been saying for years. "Some ravers got it into their heads that ketamine is good for you," said lead researcher Jean-Guy Bourbonnais. "Our study shows that ketamine won't improve your health if you take it on a regular basis. It'll ruin it."

Back in the eighties, rave promoter Trudy Bollinger popularized ketamine as a health supplement. "I'd snort a bump of K right before I'd hit the gym," Trudy told Rave News. "The gains I saw were out of this world. It got to the point where I was hitting the gym nine to twelve times a week. I could easily push through the pain when I was ketamine, which made it easier to lift heavier weights. I bulked up like mad."

Trudy successfully traded his stomach flab for rock hard abs, and his victory over fat made him a poster boy for ketamine. Soon, ravers around the world were using special K before working out.

"I like to take K first thing in the morning before doing two hundred push-ups," says Eric Lime, a Montreal raver who has been spreading the ketamine gospel for years. "If you handle your ketamine responsibly, you can lift more weights, more often, and you won't feel any post-work out pain. I think ketamine is up there with coral calcium, acai berries, and snake oil in terms of health benefits. It's a miracle drug."

Doctors howl in protest whenever they hear ravers extolling the virtues of ketamine as a work out supplement. "It's bad enough that ravers use ketamine for fun," says retired podiatrist Robert Allen. "It's absurd of them to claim it's good for you. In my thirty years practicing medicine, I've had to treat at least two hundred ravers for broken bones. They get high on ketamine, pick up heavy weights, and then drop them on their feet because they have no hand-eye coordination while they're high. Lifting weights while intoxicated isn't a smart idea."

Ravers aren't likely to change their ways says Eric Lime. "I know I'll never stop snorting K before pumping iron. Science might say what i'm doing is wrong, but my six pack abs say otherwise."

Robin Dorchester, a delusional meth addict, attacked his nurses after he woke up at the hospital, oblivious to how he got there. "We were trying to do our job" said Sarah Pratchett, a nurse who witnessed everything. "Robin showed up at the hospital, his face covered in blood, muttering something about the end of days. Then he passed out. We put him on a gurney and found him a room, and started readying him for the doctors when he woke up in a state of panic. He began yelling at everyone, throwing things at us, then he took out a fork from his pocket and started stabbing the nurses."

It took four police officers to subdue Robin. "It was like he was possessed by a demon. He was incredibly strong. We think it's because he's lost the capability to feel pain due to years of meth abuse." said Officer Tom Witters. "We finally managed to tackle him to the ground, which is when we arrested him for aggravated assault."

Eventually, the police were able to piece together what had brought Robin to the hospital. "After he calmed down and realized we weren't agents of Satan sent to earth to harvest human souls in a bid to kickstart the apocalypse, he told us his story. He'd been at a Psytrance party the night of the incident, when someone smashed a beer bottle over his head after he had told a DJ that Psytrance is repetitive, awful music. This offended pretty much everyone at the party, resulting in his ass getting the shit kicked out of it. The beating caused him to enter a fugue state in which he was convinced the world was coming to an end, and only he could save it. During this state, he decided he had to proselytize at a Hospital. It took Robin several hours after his arrest to remember all of this."

The nurses meanwhile, say they plan on changing security protocols in order to avoid a repeat attack. "We're definitely going to make sure our patients don't have forks in their pockets before we start treating them," said Sarah. "That's for sure."