Alvin Costler was arrested over the weekend and charged with making a false statement after convincing his girlfriend that he had been murdered. “He sent his girlfriend a text message stating that he was being chased by an angry mob after he accidentally ran over someone’s dog,” says Sgt. Barrista of the SPVM. “He told her that they had caught up with him, that they were about to run him off the road, and that he was scared for his life, that they were shooting at him, and that he loved her. Then he closed his phone and stopped sending her messages. In reality, the whole story was an elaborate lie Mr. Costler made up so that he could attend a psytrance rave by himself.”

Friends of Alvin say that he never enjoyed going to parties with his girlfriend. “It’s not that he was out there trying to pick up other women,” says best friend Barry Minnow, “it’s just that he enjoyed having time to himself every now and then. Faking his own death, though, was pretty boneheaded.”

His girlfriend, Alyss Zarniss, agrees. “He wanted some time to himself,” says Alyss. “Now he’s going to get a whole lot time to himself. We’re through. I never want to see him again. And I hope this story is the first thing you'll find when you search his name on the internet, because I want all his future girlfriends to know what kind of man they're dating.”

Alvin isn’t the first man to get arrested for faking his own death for the sake partying solo. “There’s a surprisingly large number of men who think faking crimes is the best way to get out of spending time with their girlfriends,” says Sgt. Barrista. “In 2013, a Texan man faked his own kidnapping so he could go out drinking with friends. Just last week, a British man faked his own kidnapping so he could stay out partying.”

Some men even go so far as to committing actual crimes. “I think there are a lot of dumb men out there,” says Sgt. Barrista. “If you need some alone time, you’re better off learning how to communicate your boundaries to your partner instead of lying to them. And if you are going to lie to them, why not lie in a way that doesn’t waste the time of the police? You know, tell them your grandmother died or that you’re visiting the doctor because you think have cancer. Don’t tell them you’re being kidnapped or attacked by a violent mob. That’s just stupid."

Montreal’s nightlife community is in the grip of pyromania as countless teenagers set themselves on fire for the amusement of strangers over the internet. “I don’t know why people started setting themselves on fire for fun,” says 18 year old high school student Eric Bornival, “and I don’t care. Sometimes, life doesn’t have to make sense. It just has to be awesome, and there’s nothing quite as awesome as dousing yourself in oil and getting your flame on.”

Eric is just one of many teenagers taking the fire challenge. “It’s a lot older than the ice bucket challenge,” says fire challenger Gregory McCool. “It’s been going on for at least a year now, and there are at least hundreds of videos of teenagers lighting themselves on fire on youtube. It’s the new planking.”

Montreal’s clubs are getting in on the act, with at least six of them offering discounts and free alcohol to customers who agree to be lit on fire by their bartenders. “I love spraying my customers with vodka before lighting them with a match,” says 29 year old mixologist Edna Ebeneizer. “I hope the fire challenge never goes away, because the highlight of my night is seeing my customers roll around on the floor as flames eat away at their flesh. It’s mesmerizing.”

Professional anti-fun warriors think the challenge is too extreme for Canada, and that the government needs to step in and put a stop to it. “I don’t care if lighting yourself on fire is dangerous,” says 45 year old accountant Rachel Valois, “but I find it very bothersome that so many people seem to enjoy it. Taking the fire challenge poses a threat to our society’s wellbeing. Teenagers shouldn’t be having so much fun. There’s no place for pleasure in Canada and it’s important that the government take a stand against this latest hobby before it’s too late. If we don’t stop teenagers from having fun now, they’ll turn into adults who think that having fun is a human right. It isn’t. We need to make sure people understand that. Life isn’t about being happy, it’s about being miserable. People shouldn’t be lighting themselves on fire for fun, they should be doing it because they deserve to suffer.”

Eric doesn’t see it that way. “I don’t think i’d ever set myself on fire again if it stopped being fun,” says Eric. “I hope that i’ll still be dousing myself in gasoline when i’m a cranky old man with white hair. I want to spend my life doing what I love and I encourage everyone else to follow my example. All you need is some gasoline, some matches, and a hunger for happiness.”

Montreal’s party scene is about to get a lot less comfortable as club owners prepare to implement Quebec’s controversial public safety law Bill 193. Under the new law, clubs that wish to hold on to their liquor licenses will have to implement a set of new safety measures to ensure that drug dealing doesn’t happen on their premises. The most egregious of these measures is one some lawyers say is unconstitutional. “They now expect bouncers to do random cavity searches of customers,” says civil rights advocate Preston Bofesse. “It’s outrageous. It’s totalitarian. It’s ridiculous. It’s a lot of things, but it isn’t a good law. It’s the opposite of that. Now that we’re forcing private businesses to violate the integrity of their customers anal canals as part of our war on drugs, it’s safe to say that our political leaders have lost the plot.”

Defenders of Bill 193 don’t see it that way, however. “I think anyone who is against Bill 193 has a faulty moral compass,” says drug warrior Bianca LeCavalier. “Drugs have ruined millions upon millions of lives, and we as a society need to band together and confront this threat using every tool at our disposal. Prisons have used random cavity checks for decades in their fight against drugs, so it’s only natural that the rest of society follow their lead.”

Bianca hopes that Bill 193 will prove so successful, that politicians will expand its scope to cover the whole of society instead of just clubs. “Imagine living in a country where our children are no longer being threatened by drug abuse,” says Bianca. “We can live in that society, but first we need to grant the police a universal right to perform random cavity checks on citizens. I honestly think that’s the key to winning our war on drugs.”

Public safety officials share her view. “The threat of the state rummaging through your internal organs has a deleterious effect on drug use,” says Dr. John LeJawn, who helped craft the law. “This is a scientific fact. If you live in constant fear of the state violating you in the most inappropriate ways, you’re much less likely to ever want to take drugs. A state of chronic fear inhibits human agency, which minimizes the risk of people violating laws. Bill 193 doesn’t go far enough, but it’s a good start. Quebec will be a much safer place once everyone is thoroughly terrified of the government."

A 27 year old Montreal woman was rushed to the hospital after falling into a shark tank at an ocean themed rave. “I think this is the first known shark attack to ever happen in Montreal,” says Sgt. Barrista of the SPVM. “It’s a very unusual incident. We are not considering this an accident, since owning sharks is prohibited under Quebec law. We believe that the promoter has committed a variety of felonies and are considering pressing charges once we ascertain his or her identity. ”

Party goers say that the shark tank was poorly secured. “It was basically an inflatable toy pool with a hungry white shark in it,” says 23 year old Macy Fenard. “I don’t know how anyone thought that was a good idea. Imagine being a shark, in a toy pool, in a small room surrounded by hundreds of people dancing to EDM that's loud enough to blow your eardrums. If I was that shark, I would have wanted to eat some ravers too.”

No one seems to know where the promoter got the shark or why he felt that his party needed one. “I don’t even know how the hell the promoter even got a shark into the city,” says Sgt. Barrista of the SPVM, “that’s not the easiest thing to accomplish.” The promoter’s identity is also a bit of a mystery. “I think the guy who threw the party was the son of a rich Russian tycoon,” says Macy. “That would explain why he was able to get the shark into Canada. When you’re rich, you can make your own laws, and the impossible becomes possible."

Sgt. Barrista agrees. “It’s true, if the promoter does turn out to be wealthy, we’ll probably let him go with just a warning,” says Barrista. “Rich people are simply better than poor people, and they shouldn’t be punished as heavily as the rest of society. That’s just good common sense.”

Macy isn’t so sure. “Um, I think everyone should be equal under the law,” says Macy. “I understand that not a lot of people agree with me. It is a pretty extreme point of view to have nowadays. Oh well, I hope the next party I go doesn’t have any white sharks.”

Feminists from across America are flocking to Toronto to attend one of the city’s wildly popular ladies only Bang-a-DJ parties. “The birth of the Bang-a-DJ party is the biggest thing to happen to feminism since Valerie Solanas published the SCUM manifesto,” says part-time misandrist Curlita Sue. “They’re absolute game changers. Hating men has never been as easy, enjoyable, or arousing as it is today thanks to these parties.”

Bang-a-DJ parties start with sex and end with catapults. “The evening begins with women literally screwing the patriarchy,” says intersectional calvanist Beverley Tuleshum, “or at least some of patriarchy’s most loathsome members: DJs. First the DJs are sexually destroyed using feminist voodoo magic, then they're placed into a catapult and launched into Lake Ontario. There’s really nothing as cathartic as hurling a male DJ into the sky using a catapult.”

Bang-a-DJ parties are controversial, but attendees can’t get enough of them. “Some people think that what we’re doing is wrong, but those people are mistaken and deserve to die,” says professional male tear drinker Debbie Donogan. “Our parties are healthy, respectful, and a necessary antidote to the deeply misogynistic undercurrents of modern society."

Melissa Snusnu, sole heiress to the Snusnu diamond mining dynasty, organized the first bang-a-DJ party last year. “We didn’t call them that at first. The idea for the event hit me after I got back from the last Bilderberg meeting,” says Melissa. “My chauffeur had just finished driving me home from the airport. He got out of the car to open the door for me when this homeless man walked up to us and asked me for a dollar. I couldn’t believe that this guy, with all his privilege and power, would ask me for anything. I realized that feminism had fallen on some hard times when men like him had the nerve to terrorize someone as oppressed as I am. I was so angry, I decided to do something about it.”

Two days later, Melissa Snusnu was on her yatch — along with a dozen homeless men, a giant catapult, a dance DJ, and several hundred women. “We started by catapulting the homeless men into Lake Ontario while the DJ played some EDM,” says Melissa. “It was a blast. The sight of all those oppressive homeless men flying into the sky excited us on a deep, primal level. Smashing the patriarchy really gets the blood flowing, if you know what I mean. We were so turned on, we couldn’t help but ravish the DJ. Then, when he was fully spent, we put him in the catapult and launched him into the lake too.”

Melissa’s guests enjoyed themselves so much, she started organizing Bang-a-DJ parties every month. “After a few parties, we started focusing exclusively on DJs. Sure, catapulting homeless men is cool, but ravishing and then catapulting DJs is even better,” says Melissa. “DJs offer more bang for your patriarchy smashing buck.”

Critics find the whole thing baffling. “I don’t understand how they keep finding DJs to catapult into Lake Ontario,” says internet pundit John Strawman. "Who volunteers for that? Also, as a man, I may be speaking out of turn, but I really don’t see how these parties have anything to do with feminism.”

Debbie scoffs at critics like John. “Oh, sure, like we’re going to listen to a guy lecture us about feminism. That’s not how this works,” says Debbie. "If women say feminism is about sex and catapults, then that’s what it’s about. And it is. Catapulting DJs from yatchs subverts the patriarchal narrative of male superiority while redefining masculinity within an intersectional framework that challenges the hierarchical privileges permeating the contested spaces of our everyday experiences. And it’s a lot of fun."

The next bang-a-dj party takes place September 16th at the Grand Dame of Misandry Yatchclub.

A survey to be published by the Polling United Union Company is sure to shock the EDM community. “We asked respondents about their criminal background and their answers were startling,” says pollster Esther Rabbit. “The vast majority of people who listen to EDM have been arrested at least once in their life for a violent crime.”

The pollster reveals that the link between EDM and violence isn’t entirely shocking. “We know, based on recent scientific studies, that electronic dance music harms the brain’s amygdala, causing it to become overactive,” says Esther. "The amygdala helps regulate the bodies emotional reactions to stress, and is sometimes colloquially called the brain’s anger management centre. Now, the science still isn’t clearly understood, but our survey at least helps buttress what researchers have found. People who listen to EDM have temper control issues.”

According to the survey, 85% of EDM fans have been arrested for punching a stranger in the face. “Punching strangers in the face is by far the most common violent crime committed by EDM fans,” says Esther. “It’s strange, but the vast majority of EDM related violence involves strangers, which is very different than most violence profiles. Only a handful of EDM listeners have ever been arrested for assaulting someone they know.”

Criminologist Berkeley Klimt is intrigued by the unusual findings “Most violent acts happen between people who know each other,” says Berkeley. “You’re much more likely to be raped or murdered by a friend or family member than you are by a complete stranger. The fact that EDM music inspires violence against strangers is fascinating. It’s also horrifying, but I believe that researching the link between EDM music and stranger violence will help us devise social interventions and political policies that might one day put an end to certain kinds of violence.”

Should parents add pregnancy parties to their list of things to worry about? “Pregnancy parties are, bluntly speaking, EDM fueled orgies where teenage girls go to get pregnant,” says urbanologist Keith Cliffords. "They supposedly feature a stable of young men, known as studs, who have sex with young girls who are looking to get knocked up. The studs are then rated on their performance by the teenage girls. Poor performers are kicked out of the party, while good performers are invited to future events.”

Most people think pregnancy parties are an urban legend. “I don’t believe that they actually exist,” says Keith. “I’ve never been presented with any evidence that prove pregnancy parties are a real thing. I’m pretty sure it’s just one of those hoaxes people made up to freak parents outs.”

The idea that pregnancy parties aren’t real doesn’t go over well with professional news columnist Bonny Balensha. “I don’t care if they’re real or not, pregnancy parties are still outrageous," says Bonny. "There is so much about them that outrages me, that I’m not sure where to begin. First, there’s the whole problem that we live in a society where teenage girls feel that the only way they’ll ever be worth anything is if they become pregnant. Then you have all these teenage boys who are abusing their male privilege by impregnating these girls, which is a deeply hateful act and just shows that all men ever do is objectify women. Then, to add insult to injury, the girls have to listen to EDM while being impregnated! That’s just outrage upon outrage upon outrage. I for one, am thoroughly indignant. It doesn’t matter if these parties don’t exist, the fact that they might exist is enough to make me angry. It should make everyone angry!”

Bonny believes that the only way to put a stop to pregnancy parties is by buying her books and reading her newspaper columns. “Okay, maybe pregnancy parties aren’t real. However, that doesn’t matter. The only guaranteed way to put a stop to pregnancy parties is by making misogynists, which is anyone with a penis, read my book ‘Why Men Are Terrible At Everything Forever’, and my follow-up book ‘If You’re Not Always Angry Then You’re A Bad Person’. Reading these two books will put an end to pregnancy parties and the underlying misogyny that sustains them. Until my third book comes out, at which point you’ll have to read that one too, because otherwise the pregnancy parties will come back. In fact, the only 100% guaranteed way to put an end to pregnancy parties is to keep buying my books and to always be angry when I tell you to be angry. That’s a fact. There are studies that prove this.”

Critics think Bonny is self-serving. “I think Bonny belongs to a class of pundits that have successfully monetized outrage,” says Keith. “They’ve co-opted progressive movements for their own personal gain. They profit from making people angry. They don’t want to solve problems, they don’t want to make the world a better place. They just want to protect the status quo, because angry people means ad views, and ad views means money. People need to step back, relax, and realize that the world isn’t as awful as the outrage mongers make it out to be. The next time you read something on the internet that pisses you off, ask yourself if that’s by design. There’s money in outrage. Never forget that. Follow the outrage, and you’ll find someone making a fortune off of it."