You can’t walk around San Francisco these days without bumping into someone covered head to toes in dildos. So-called dildo couture is all the rage with the neoliberals of Silicon Valley, who relish in the opportunity to advertise their moral superiority to the rest of the world. There’s nothing quite as morally enlightened as bedecking yourself in a $250,000 bespoke outfit made by the most talented dildo craftsmen in the world.

Victor Biquedor, owner of the famous dildo atelier Le Coq Paillette, says business has been booming. “Nearly every Silicon Valley executive now owns a bespoke dildo suit,” says Victor. “In fact, if you don’t own a tuxedo covered in dildos, you won’t even be allowed into most parties in Silicon Valley. The fact is, only the people who truly appreciate the moral magnificence of dildo couture are accepted by the digerati, which is exactly how it should be.”

Most people in the media share the sentiment. “Silicon Valley is a shining beacon of moral righteousness. The day will come where people won’t worship God, they’ll worship Google,” says culture critic Nobb Von Aochi, who has a degree in Moral Values from Harvard University. “We’ll get out morals from credentialed post-gendered priests who will wear holy garments made of dildos. They’ll teach the common man the virtues of obedience to Silicon Valley. We’re going to exchanges our churches, synagogues, and mosques for Apple stores. We’ll replace our faith with Facebook. And we will get on our knees and give holy blowjobs to our moral betters, the saintly Ivy League graduates who work for tech companies in California. The future is covered in dildos, and working class barbarians better get used to it.”

Working class people across the world agree. In fact, one of the key demands of the Yellow Vest protest movement in France is that they want President Macron to convert France to worshipping Silicon Valley. “All our problems in France would disappear if we just allowed Google to impose its moral values on us,” says protester Nicole Bleu. “Crude genital worship, the valorization of sexual identity above economic issues, the idea that capitalists are morally superior to the working class, the understanding that credentialed trust fund kids with Ivy League degrees are in fact less privileged that blue collar workers and that those workers need to defer to their educated betters on moral issues? That’s the future France needs. It’s the future the entire world needs. We need priests in dildo suits to teach us that we are sinners, and that the only way to be absolved of that sin is to let Google dictate our moral values. Praise be to Silicon Valley, the one true Holy Land. May the morally righteous capitalists of this most holy Valley forgive the working class for our sins. Capital is woke, and the working class must be enlightened.”

Sexologists with the American Institute For Scientific Fisting have released a report that’s sure to dilate your orifices in excitement. According to research conducted by the institute, couples that fist each other are 85% less likely to divorce each other. “There’s a huge causal relationship between fisting and relationship satisfaction,” says lead researcher Dr. Ross Culot. “Most normal relationships see a deterioration in romantic and sexual satisfaction after the first three years together, but couples that fist each other don’t experience that drop. Fisting lovers are like perpetual newlyweds.”

It seems that the act of fisting, which involves shoving your entire hand up your partner’s bodily orifices, creates a kind of psychological and emotional shield around your relationship, rendering it impervious to the stresses that cause normal, non-fisting relationships to shatter. “A couple that fists each other sticks together,” says Dr. Culot. “In fact, mutual fisting is the single most potent act that a couple can take to ensure that it lasts. Nothing else comes close. Not relationship therapy, not a warm and loving rapport between partners, not kindness and compassion, not even regular cocaine fueled gangbangs with your friends and neighbours. Nothing comes close to fisting when it comes to guaranteeing relationship satisfaction.”

Dr. Culot believes that the government should begin teaching high school students the merits and values of fisting. “There’s been a massive collapse in marriage rates over the last sixty years as well as a huge spike in divorce numbers. The American Institute For Scientific Fisting believes that a national fisting strategy could not only halt this decline in marriages, but even reverse it,” says Dr. Culot. “Yes, fisting may seem like a very crude and pornographic act, but it’s a perfectly natural one that can guarantee long term satisfaction in love. Think of all the marriages we could save if everyone learned the value of a good fisting.”