One of the keys to the Nazi party’s early military success was that it gave its soldiers Pervitin, a form of crystal meth. “Meth played a huge role in Nazi Germany,” says historian Nikolas Coudenhove. “Nearly all their soldiers took it. It gave them super human endurance and had a host of other benefits, at least initially.”

The nazi love of crystal is one reason why social justice advocates have begun sounding alarms about the rave community. “Ravers and party kids love crystal meth, but so did nazis,” says Concordia activist Jaime Pasleshum. “And I don’t think it’s a coincidence at all. If ravers like the same drugs nazis like, I think that says everything we need to know about ravers. They’re really nazis.”

Professors at Concordia agree. “The fact that both nazis and ravers love crystal meth is a sign that there is something deeply racist about raving,” says sociologist Gerald Brunswick. “If ravers weren’t racists, why do so many of them enjoy taking a drug that Hitler gave his soldiers? I think ravers secretly agree with Hitler about his politics, and that’s why they take crystal meth.”

Most ravers who take crystal meth don’t see it that way, though. “I just like the way makes me feel,” says 18 year old drug addict Carly Fiora. “I don’t care about politics, I just care about getting high. Just because some nazis were meth heads doesn’t mean all meth heads are nazis.”

Karla Fiona celebrated her 40th birthday by sleeping with 40 men, and she couldn’t have done it without the help of a certain Montreal business that helps people organize orgies on their special day. “I wanted to do something incredible for the big four oh,” says Karla. “I was thinking about booking a trip to Paris or getting myself a new car, but then a friend told me about Todd Ackerman’s Birthday Gangbang Events and I knew in my heart of hearts that I had to do it for my big day. Forty men in a single night. I’m so happy I did it. I’ll cherish the memory for the rest of my life.”

Todd Ackerman has been organizing birthday gang bangs for the last two years, and he says business has been booming. “I’m at the point where i’m organizing two birthday gang bangs every day,” says Todd. “I’ve actually had to hire an assistant to help me organize these events, it’s just getting to be a little much.”

Todd says that the number of people you get to sleep with at one of his events depends entirely on your age. “A 21 year old will get to sleep with 21 people, a 50 year old with 50 people,” says Todd. “I think there’s something special about that. Like each person you fuck represents a year of your life. It’s almost spiritual in a way.”

Gang bangs are becoming increasingly popular ways for people to celebrate their birthday says Todd. “Yeah, I think as orgies become more socially acceptable, more and more people will decide to hire my services,” says Todd. “You haven’t really celebrated your birthday until you’ve had sex with dozens of people in one giant body crushing evening of mind blowing bliss.””

Prostitution is now more common than dating claims a controversial new study by the New York City Urban Realities Commission. “Our research suggests that men and women today are more likely to turn to prostitution than they are the dating market,” says sociologist Dr. Quayim Degopolous. “Five years ago, this wasn’t the case, but thanks to the rise in internet dating, paying for sex has become easier than establishing healthy and rewarding relationships.”

According to the study, 70% of men would rather hire a prostitute than date a woman while 80% of women say they’d rather be paid for sex than give it away for free in a relationship. “We have become a society of whores and johns,” says Dr. Degopolous. “Romance has been replaced with a very mercantile approach to sexuality. Every year the ties that bind men and women together break down a bit more, to the point where only money now binds the sexes together. It’s tragic.”

Dr. Degopolous says that if something isn’t done, marriage and dating might give way to a purely commoditized sexuality where every human being has a price. “We are on the verge of creating a world where men and women only view each other in strictly instrumental terms, as transactional objects that exist within a market devoid of human warmth. It’s almost as if our society is being manipulated by a merchant class hell bent on turning human beings into cattle. The moment we end up putting a price on human affection, a price on sexual gratification, a price on social interaction, is the moment we strip ourselves of our dignity and sentence ourselves to a commodified existence. And who benefits from turning human beings into objects that can be leased, rented, bought and sold? The people who run our economy, that’s who! The bankers. The merchants. The financiers. They want us to start thinking of ourselves as having a price. That’s how they view us and that’s how they want us to view ourselves.”

Pick-up artists agree that society has gone off the rails recently. “Ten years ago, pick up artists could go to bars and find women who were willing to be seduced,” says Henry Gauyim. “Today though, if you go to a bar and start flirting with a woman, she’ll just ask you up front how much you’d pay her for a blowjob. It’s insane. Something terrifying has happened over the last ten years. We’re witnessing the Weimar-ification of Western civilization. Game doesn’t work anymore because men and women have decided that sex is business. Romance is dead. Seduction is over. Only the almighty dollar matters now.”

Dr. Degopolous warns that the commodification of sexuality could lead to the death of our species. “Once virtual reality provides a decent alternative to real sex, men will decide to save money and time by investing in virtual waifus,” says Dr. Degopolous. “If virtual waifus can provide the same sexual pleasure as real people, than real sex will become a thing of the past. Why pay a flesh and blood human being every time you want sex when you can just buy yourself a virtual waifu and have sex with them whenever you want? When we make sex a purely financial affair, we incentivize the creation of cheaper and more cost-efficient alternatives to meat space encounters. Our society needs to resacralize sexuality and re-introduce empathy and compassion into our relationships, otherwise we are in for a very unpleasant future.”

The Canadian government will send a dozen furries dressed up like lions, dogs, and foxes to Syria next May to negotiate with the leaders of ISIS claims a leaked report. “Prime Minister Trudeau is a visionary who realizes that only socially enlightened furries can defeat Islamic radicalism,” says a liberal party insider. “Thats why he’s assembled a crack team of feminists who dress like cartoon animals to convince ISIS to lay down their arms and embrace peace. These furries were scouted from the most progressive corners of the internet and are well versed in intersectional feminism, otherkin theology, and critical race theory. They understand that ISIS and its members are victims of white cis-male heteronormative privilege and will teach ISIS how to dismantle the systems of power that oppress them by using feminist dialectics and cartoon animal performance therapy instead of violence.” In simple English, Justin Trudeau believes he can end ISIS by teaching its members how to insult people over twitter using feminist rhetoric while dressed up like cartoon animals.

The report doesn’t explain why this plan has any chance of succeeding, but that hasn’t stopped it from drawing rave reviews from Canada’s pundit class. “The Feminist Furry ISIS Peace Plan is the most brilliant piece of foreign policy i’ve ever encountered,” says CBC journalist Alex Crisdecon. “And I can tell you, my opinion is shared by everyone else at CBC. We all agree that only a combination of feminist dialectics and cartoon animal performance therapy can end the civil war in Syria and bring peace to the Middle East.”

Selina Miles, president of the Canadian Federation of University Professors, agrees. “Only Prime Minister Trudeau could come up with something as brilliant as the Feminist Furry ISIS Peace Plan,” says Selina. “And that’s a point of view shared by the vast majority of University professors in Canada. We all agree with Trudeau!”

The plan might be popular with the over-educated imbeciles who run our Universities and media, but average Canadians aren’t so sure it’ll work out. “I just don’t think sending feminist furries to Syria is a good idea,” says 45 year old Joe Dorval. “I don’t know, it just seems stupid. If these animal costume weirdos came to my local pub and started yelling at the guys there about feminism, we’d beat the shit out of them. I can’t imagine the response will be any better in Syria.”

Selina disagrees. “The feminist furries we send to Syria won’t be attacked the way they would in Canada,” says Selina. “Canada is a barbaric nation full of violent and uncouth men incapable of moral reasoning, so obviously they believe that Trudeau’s plan won’t work. Ugh, white men who aren’t feminists shouldn’t be allowed to vote. They’re so stupid and disgusting and awful. Intersectionality akbar!”

Half a dozen clubs in Montreal have agreed to phase out dancing in order to make way for anal sex circles. “We want to help our customers really get to know each other,” says Fonzo Faroush, the president of The Montreal Club Guild, an organization that represents over fifty of the city’s largest night life hang outs. “We’ll be introducing the anal sex circle to six clubs with intention of expanding the practice until all fifty of our locations have replaced dancing with it.”

Fonzo says that anal sex circles are just like dancing, but a lot more fun. “Women can take part too, all they need to do is bring a strap on to the club to join in,” says Fonzo. “So it’s not a practice that discriminates against people based on their gender.”

Anal sex circles have grown in popularity over the last three years, as dozens of clubs across North America have begun opening their dance floors to the practice. “Soon, we won’t even call them dance floors,” says Fonzo. “They’ll be anal sex circle floors. It’s going to be wild. Just imagine, a few years from now, no matter which club you go to, everyone will be right there thrusting their hips against each other in one giant happy circle, grinding against each other in the most intimate matter. That’s community, right there. That’s the future.”

Researchers at McGale University are trying to answer a question that’s baffled millions for decades: why do ravers have freakishly long demon like toe nails? “It’s almost as if the moment people start listening to EDM, their toe nails become sharp, pointy black claws,” says Dr. Anderson Brodley. “Is it the music that does this to people? If so, why?”

Priests theorize that techno music derives its rhythmic potency from Satan, the dark lord of the underworld. “When you listen to techno, you open up your heart to the devil, and then the devil begins to transform you into one of his hellions,” says Rev. George Henry. “The changes start with your feet, because that’s the devil’s way of letting the world know that though ravers walk among us on earth, a part of them dances with the devil in the deep fiery pits of hell.”

Dr. Broadley is inclined to agree. “As a scientist, I don’t readily believe in superstitions, but there’s no earthly explanations for why techno music should give you clawsm” says Dr. Broadley. “It just doesn’t make scientific sense, and yet whenever a raver takes of their shoes, lo and behold, their feet will look like something out of a horror movie. Satan is starting to look like a plausible explanation.”

The Vatican agrees, which is why it’s assembling a task force to investigate raver feet. “If we determine that raver claws are indeed the work of the devil, it will have grave implications for the Catholic faith,” says Vatican spokesman Ronald River. “Once demons begin walking the earth, the end of time is nigh and armageddon can’t be that far off.”

DJ Gavinnes was hospitalized over the weekend after he had a dildo induced seizure, say close friends who asked to remain anonymous. “Gavinnes just started going over board with his dildo and anal bead collecting,” says the source. “He picked up the hobby for fun a few years ago, but something snapped in his brain after his boyfriend dumped him last fall, and soon he was spending every last waking minute of every day scouring the internet for more sex toys to buy.”

The source claims that his compulsion to buy sex toys became all consuming. “He stopped eating food, he stopped showering, he stopped going to parties and playing music,” says the source. “All he ever did was buy more dildos and anal beads. Every single day. He’d just order them by the dozens. His entire apartment was full of them, sometimes up to the ceiling. It was the weirdest, scariest case of hoarding you could possibly imagine.”

According to the source, when DJ Gavinnes wasn’t busy buying dildos and anal beads, he was busy cataloging and organizing them. “Sometimes he’d just lie on his bed caressing them like they were human beings,” says the source. “I tried helping him, all of his close friends did, but he told us he didn’t need us in his life as much as he needed his dildo and anal beads and he cut off contact with us.”

His friends grew concerned after they didn’t hear from him for several weeks, so they went over to his apartment where they discovered him on the floor, convulsing as saliva dripped from his mouth. “It was absolutely horrible. Just tragic.”

Psychologists say that hoarding is a mental illness that can come in a variety form. “Some people hoard used candy wrappers, other people hoard sex toys,” says Dr. William Penfield of the Westmount Abornmal Psychiatry Clinic. “What happened to DJ Gavinnes is only shocking because he chose to fixate on sex toys instead of something more mundane. In the end, what we hoard doesn’t matter nearly as much as we hoard, and I hope people who become familiar with this case keep that in mind.”

You can’t walk down the streets of Montreal right now without bumping into a woman clutching one of Vivica Johnson’s ass purses, the year’s break out fashion hit. Vivica, a Mile End based purse maker, has been crafting quirky handbags for over a decade, but didn’t hit the big time until her distinctive puckered sphincter design caught the eyes of the internet last Christmas, propelling her into the upper echelons of haut couture overnight. Today fashionable women from Amsterdam to Zimbabwe are clamouring for an ass purse of their own, hoping to wow onlookers with their provocative sense of style.

“It’s a been a crazy ride,” says Vivica. “I’ve sold over ten thousand ass purses since Christmas. There’s a huge backlog right now as I struggle to find manufactures to help me get them into the hands of buyers.” The popularity has taken Vivica by surprise, who is busily moving from her current studio to a large factory in the old port. “I can’t wait to be able to ship these babies out. I think I’m going to make a lot of women happy.”

Vivica claims she was inspired to make an ass purse after growing jaded with the fashion industry. “The fashion world is 100% unadulterated bullshit,” says Vivica. “And that’s why I designed my ass purse. The fashion industry spends millions and millions of the dollars trying to get women to buy their bullshit. They lie to us through ads, they manipulate us through magazines, they trick us into running inside a never ending hamster wheel. Every season fashion changes, and they try to convince us to buy the latest new releases. It’s all crap. All of it. My ass purse is a giant fuck you to fashion industry. Fashion is bullshit, and when you wear one of my purses, you’re letting the world know you don’t care about keeping up with the taste makers of Paris and Milan. By carrying around a puckered anus purse, you’re telling all these snobs that you think they’re full of shit.”