Mandy Mason, a patron at Bar Les Fesses D’Or made a gruesome discovery last Friday after discovering a bag of dicks in the woman’s restroom.

“It’s a small restroom with only two stalls, and the one I went entered had this black garbage bag near the door that was half open,” says Mandy. “When I walked by the bag I noticed what looked like a penis inside of it. Intrigued, I opened the rest of the bag and was shocked at what I found. It was a penis. And there were more. There must have been dozens of them in that bag, all of them had been cut off. They all looked incredibly fresh too."

Police say they don’t know where the penises came from. “According to forensics, the men were still alive at the time that their penises were removed,” says Sgt. Batista of the SPVM. “We don’t know what happened to these men, we don’t know who they are, and we don’t know the circumstances under which their penises were removed. We are currently asking the public for any information they may have about this, as we are worried about the safety and wellbeing of these men."

Bar owner Leo Goudreau says he can’t imagine why anyone would leave a bag of dicks in a bar rest room. “It’s sinister,” says Leo. “Someone brought in a bag of bloody dicks to our establishment. There’s a serial penis cutter stalking the streets of Montreal. That’s kind of terrifying."

Anyone with information on the mysterious big back of dicks found at Bar Les Fesses D’Or is urged to come forward.

DJ Kimmy Koala has gone into hiding today after footage of her using her dead boyfriend's body as a piñata surfaced online. In the video, Kimmy can clearly be seen hitting his body with a stick as dozens of people cheer on.

Boris Richard, who lived with Kimmy Koala at the time of his death, suffered from chronic depression before taking his life last November. “He was a kind but troubled soul,” says childhood friend Bianca Smith. “That video of Kimmy hitting him with a stick while people clap and laugh is disgusting."

Bianca blames Tumblr for Kimmy’s awful behaviour. “I’ve known Kimmy for five years, she used to be this gentle, considerate human being,” says Bianca. “But then she started spending all her time on Tumblr. She became paranoid, started seeing the worst in men, and her empathy went out the window. She used to be there for Boris, but after she embraced Tumblr, she started blaming him for everything. Since he was a white male, she didn’t think he could suffer from depression. After he passed away, I found out she had egged him on when he was having suicidal thoughts. She told him that he deserved to die."

Michael Fenwick was also a long time friend of Boris. “We first met at McGill in 2003,” says Michael. “There wasn’t a mean bone in his body. He spent most of his free time trying to make the world a better place, and I don’t mean by being an internet activist or going to protests. He volunteered at food banks, he helped charities raise money, he regularly donated blood. He tried to make individual differences in people’s lives. It was important to him. He had a terrible childhood. His parents died in Kosovo during the war. He escaped to Montreal with his uncle and aunt shortly after that. He had a lot of pain that he never really knew how to deal with, no matter how much time he spent in therapy. He suffered from PTSD, the real kind, not the kind you get after someone disagrees with you on Twitter or because you didn't get a trigger warning before reading A Clockwork Orange.”

Michael says he’s livid about Kimmy’s actions. “I think she killed him,” says Michael. “She didn’t hang the noose around his neck, but she might as well have. She’s under this delusion that because of who Boris was, that he was impervious to suffering, to pain, to hurt. You have all these people on tumblr who encourage each other to treat people like shit without knowing anything about who they are or what they've lived through. They think it’s funny to use suicide victims as piñatas. And we’re not even talking about trolls here, we’re talking about prominent journalists and artists. This isn't a fringe issue, this hatred has gone mainstream.”

Many on the left might find it shocking that this kind of hatred has become common place. “I still have trouble believing that,” says NDP hopeful Mary-Lou Miser. “I can’t wrap my head around people who believe that social justice means cheering on suicide. Even if you show me prominent progressives who believe that, I’ll never accept that their existence is evidence of a larger trend."

The evidence, however, is easy enough to find. Last fall, Steven Drivus, son of hollywood actor Dick Drivus, came under attack after he talked about how much he wanted to use dead white male suicide victims as piñatas. He claimed people took his comments out of context, but Michael disagrees. “There’s no context that could justify that kind of comment, and I believe Kimmy was inspired by Steven’s hateful words. It's not Steven's fault for what she did, but his words reflect the kind of dehumanizing cultural climate that celebrated her actions."

Steven's comments highlight another problem with today's left. “Kimmy was a child of privilege,” says Bianca. “Her parents own a dozen car dealerships. She has a trust fund. She’s never worked a day in her life. A lot of so-called progressives who are promoting this hateful nonsense are rich. Like Steven Drivus. He’s the son of a multi-millionaire who works for a prominent news paper. Steven and Kimmy and people like them? They’ve turned hope into hatred, equality into tyranny, justice into violence. Progressive politics is now all about people with class privilege dehumanizing those without it."

Kimmy’s fans, for their part, think what she did was just fine. “There’s nothing wrong with today’s progressive movement,” says British Shield columnist Emily Pool. "It’s misogynistic to claim that using a male suicide victim's body as a piñata is hateful. I thought Kimmy’s piñata schtick was a hilarious commentary on how entitled men are — they think everyone’s entitled to basic human decency. Please. Men are not entitled to anything. They need to get over themselves. Celebrating male suicide isn’t hateful, it’s hilarious!"

Fans and friends mourned the passing of DJ Tekno4eva yesterday after he fell to his death while taking a selfie atop the Mont Royal Cross.

Tekno4eva, whose real name is Bernard Bundleworth, was celebrating his 21st birthday on Mont Royal when his friends challenged him to climb up the cross that adorns the top of the hill. Bernard, who has never shied away from a terrible idea, jumped at the chance to test fate. The Universe gave him a failing grade, but his friends gave him an A+ for effort.

“Bernard was such a funny guy,” says Alice Whitman, who witnessed his fall. “And even though his death is tragic, I know he died doing what he loved, which was acting like an irresponsible drunk."

Many of Bernard’s other friends concur. “If you’re going to die, you might as well die in a way that’s thoroughly ridiculously,” says Petrov Deslausier, another one of Bernard’s friends. “Bernard lost his balance on top of a giant metal cross while trying to use a selfie stick. It’s not a dignified way to go out, but it embodies Bernard’s thorough lack of respect for propriety or common sense."

Not everyone is so nonchalant about Bernard’s demise. “Bernard had a problem with alcohol and drugs,” says Tracy Legault, his ex-girlfriend. “I had to break up with him because I couldn't stand to watch as his so-called friends enabled his self-destruction. I warned Bernard that if he didn’t clean up his act, it would end badly for him. I’m sad that his life ended the way it did, and I hope the friends who encouraged his dangerous behaviour take responsibility for the life they helped destroy."

Bernard’s friends think Tracy needs to lighten up. “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with encouraging alcoholics to behave recklessly,” says Petrov. “It’s funny!"

Something stinks in Montreal, and party goers can’t get enough of the smell. Thanks to cutting edge — or is that cheese — research from the University of Devon, fart parties are now a thing. They exist and they’re ridiculously popular.

It all started when Devon researchers noticed the health properties of hydrogen sulphide, the key ingredient to smelly gas. “Hydrogen sulphide is the new corral calcium, it’s the next big thing on the health market,” says lead researcher Dr. Granpu Pett.

“The question isn’t what can it help with, it’s what can’t it help with! It rejuvenates the skin, it helps you sleep, it revitalizes mitochondria and even reverses cellular aging. And yes, the best way to benefit from the healing properties of hydrogen sulphide are by inhaling it’s fumes, so flatulence therapy is medically sound."

Not only is it medically sound, it’s also highly profitable. “We’ve been going gang buster business since we started organizing our first fart parties,” says club owner Leo Goudreau. “People thing the entire event is hilarious, and the light hearted if smelly atmosphere really brings people together. It turns out that the easiest way to break the ice with someone is by breaking wind. Who would have guessed?"

Jason Minks, a hardcore fart party fan, says the experience is out of this world. “Fart parties are basically raves with all you can eat gas inducing buffets. You’ve got lentils, beans, dairy, corn, all sorts of farty foods. The brilliant thing about fart parties is that even if you don’t want to shake your ass on the dance floor, it’s going to happen anyways. Even if your brain doesn’t want to move, your stomach will."

Not everyone is convinced that fart parties are medically sound. “I’m not convinced that being in a room full of people farting in your face is going to improve your health,” says Dr. Leonard Smidtt. “But, y’know, as far as weird medical fads go, it seems fairly harmless."

The Canadian Medical Practitioners Association, Canada’s foremost medical body, designated Hardcore Raving as a disease on Monday.

The CMPA was inspired by a similar decision in Sweden where doctors in that country classified heavy metal addiction as a debilitating medical condition after being sued by Roëg Dingēłbært, a man who has spent every single day for the last five years going to heavy metal concerts.

“The fact is, every year, thousands of Canadians die of hardcore raving,” says Dr. Sti Tescon. “We’re not talking about mild raving, which involves partying responsibly once or twice a week. Hardcore raving is a different beast entirely. That’s when people can’t stop raving. They just party every day, day in, day out. Their entire life becomes a prison of glow sticks, drugs, and psytrance. Their bodies eventually given up on them. There’s only so much techno we can expose ourselves too before our brain melts."

In the past, victims of hardcore raving were turned away by hospitals. “Since hardcore raving wasn’t considered a medical condition,” says Dr. Sti, “hardcore ravers couldn’t get the help they desperately needed. No more. Starting immediately, hardcore ravers can expect full medical attention from the medical establishment."

Hardcore ravers should seek immediate treatment says Dr. Sti. “Hardcore ravers deserve to be happy, but they’ll never be happy if they don’t stop raving. They need to learn to take break, to sleep, to eat healthy foods, and to let their brains recover from all the drugs they’ve ingested."

A Bartender at Bar Les Fesses D'Or was arrested early Saturday morning for placing laxatives in the drinks of customers he found annoying.

“We regret to inform our customers that one of our bartenders abused their trust and put them in harm’s way,” says bar owner Leo Goudreau. “We will be temporarily closing the bar in order to a do full analysis of how drinks are served on our premises in order to prevent such an incident from reoccurring."

Police received an anonymous tip last week about the bartender’s shenanigans. “We were informed through Info-Crime that this bartender may have been mixing laxatives into the drinks of customers he didn’t like,” says Sgt. Batista of the SPVM. “We sent undercover police officers to pester him in order to see if he would slip laxatives into their beers. He did."

The police won’t go into the exact specifics of how they annoyed the bartender, though Sgt. Batista did mention that it involved singing songs off key and yelling about how much they hated French people.

Police say that the bartender in question may have given hundreds of unruly customers laxatives. “If you developed diarrhea after you attended Bar Les Fesses D’Or, please get in touch with the police as we would like to talk to you."

What would you do if a bartender slipped laxatives into your drink? Let us know!

Montreal hipsters are mourning the death of the indie scene after murder parties went mainstream over the weekend. The embracement by the hoi polloi of these iconic hipster events was prompted by Joss Whedon, who tweeted his approval after attending one of them last Friday.

“That sacrificial pit rave was the most fun I’ve had since filming Season 2 of Firefly.” - Joss Whedon

Shortly after Whedon’s tweet, news outlets around the world began to cover the existence of the once low key parties. The events have long been a source of pride for hipsters, who spend most of their free time and trust fund money figuring out new ways to distinguish themselves from the unwashed masses.

Like most terrible things, murder parties were created in Silicon Valley. "Years ago, hipsters in San Francisco realized how much fun it was to throw poor people down a sacrificial pit,” says hipsterologist Mike Cruise. “However the simple act of killing the poor left them feeling empty inside. They felt that run-of-the-mill murder didn’t reflect their rarefied moral sensibilities. So they got creative. Now they hire DJs to play avant-garde techno at their murder parties. They offer kombucha bars and all-you-can-eat kale buffets. They host cultural appropriation seminars, hire poi jugglers, and give out free native american headdresses to all their attendees. They also start each murder party with a self-appreciation ceremony, where they congratulate each other on being the first human beings in history to have achieved moral perfection. It ’s the kind of fun that only class privilege and stock options can buy.”

Murder parties may have started in San Francisco, but they didn’t stay there. “Every major Western city has, at the very least, a yearly sacrificial pit rave,” says Silicon Valley socialite Pluto Kradius. “If you’re born wealthy and you have a liberal arts degree, you’re simply better than every one else. That’s a fact. Murder parties are just one of the ways us blue bloods assert our moral superiority over the rest of society. We also like to create tumblr and twitter accounts as a way to show off our superior beliefs to the little people."

Now that the little people know about sacrificial pit raves, the end is nigh for the events. “Joss Whedon should have never posted that tweet,” says Pluto. “Now the rich and liberal no longer have a safe space where we can meet and talk about how much better we are than all the plebes who don’t know their Bell Hooks from their Jacques Derrida. Sacrificial pit raves will soon be flooded with common riffraff. I wouldn’t be surprised if they started sacrificing the rich at their bastardized poor people events. Just imagine that! It’ll be moral chaos, and the natural order of things will be turned upside down. I wish the poor would check their privilege and stop appropriating the culture of their social betters.”

Joss Whedon, for his part, has gone silent since his tweet. “I think he realized he messed up,” says Pluto. “He let the cat out of the murder bag.”

What do you think? Are hipsters really better than the rest of society? Should they continue throwing poor people down sacrificial pits? Do you really need a liberal arts degree and a ton of money to be a hipster? Let us know!

Montreal progressives, inspired by Target Australia’s refusal to sell the successful game Grand Theft Auto V, are getting ready to clamp down on offensive art. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned while studying at Concordia it’s that art that offends me should be be illegal,” says trust fund kid Michelle Bradwick. “We still don’t live in a country where progressives have the power to censor art at will, and that needs to change. Right now, we might lack the legal authority to tell people what they can and can’t believe in, but we can still terrify artists into obeying us.”

Empowered by twitter, progressives in Montreal have started waging harassment campaigns against artists that don’t share their politics. “If you don’t share our beliefs, we’ll make sure that no art gallery carries your paintings, that no concert venue allows you to play shows, that no stores carry your creations whatever they might be,” says Michelle. “Artists need to understand that if they want to make a living, they need to agree with the political views of upper class liberal art grads. Fail to obey us, and we will ruin your life.”

Some people think the progressive left is starting to look a lot like the fascist right. “It just seems that the kind of politics they teach in University is crazy,” says Todd Perkins, a musician who used to busk in front of McGill Metro until liberal art graduates attacked him. “I was playing a song by the Beatles when this horde of angry liberal art students doused me in gasoline and lit me up. They were screaming at me about John Lennon being a misogynist while I was screaming about being on fire.”

NDP candidate Maurice Morriel thinks Todd needs to chill out. “Is it crazy to set a man on fire for playing a Beatles song?” asks Maurice. “No. It’s perfectly reasonable. Artists must accept the diktats of their moral superiors” says Maurice. “If they don’t do as they’re told, they deserve to suffer. It’s not about censorship, it’s about equality, and the only way to ensure equality is to scare everyone into obeying the left."

Tabloid journalist Wyonna Jazibil dreams of a world where it's illegal to criticize the left. “Thankfully, you can’t graduate from University without being politically indoctrinated. Since most jobs in the media and in the government require a University degree, more and more authoritarian progressives are taking over the machinery of the state and press. Within the next fifteen years, we’ll control everything. We’ll finally be able to impose our will on the rest of society and no one will be able to challenge us. I can’t wait.”

Todd thinks that progressives are courting disaster. “Most Canadians believe in equality,” says Todd. “They don’t, however, share the totalitarian beliefs that are quickly becoming entrenched among the new literati and bureaucratic mandarins. Today’s progressives are coasting on the good will earned by the progressives of yesteryear, and once people realize that the two are not the same, they will come down hard on these people. Musicians shouldn’t need to ask progressives for their permission before creating music, painters shouldn’t have to be afraid of angry university students before making art, and writers shouldn’t have to worry about being harassed by online lynch mobs."

Wyonna thinks Todd is a bigot. “I’m sorry, but Todd is an example of how screwed up our society has become,” says Wyonna. “He thinks he’s entitled to his own thoughts, but he isn’t. Obedience is the only true path to freedom."

What do you think? Is freedom of speech oppressive? Should artists only create art approved by liberal art graduates? Let us know!

Bernard Hardy, the MP for British Columbia's Kitsilano riding, faces growing calls to resign after making controversial remarks to supporters at a recent fundraiser, where he lauded the Saudi execution of Donald Rosling, a 28 year old Canadian DJ.

Mr. Rosling was on tour in the Middle Eastern kingdom when religious police arrested him for blasphemy, claiming that techno music is an insult to god, a sentiment that Mr. Hardy shares. “I’m not saying that governments should murder DJs,” Mr. Hardy told Ravenews, “but if they did, the world would be a much better place."

This sentiment is popular among conservatives, who claim that DJs pose a threat to Canada’s moral fibre. “As far as music genres go, EDM is to culture what serial killers are to peace and harmony,” says Mr. Hardy. “Tolerating DJs is the same thing as tolerating the absolute and utter destruction of Canada."

Mr. Hardy denies that such a point of view is at all extreme. “We have to face the facts, if we don’t kill DJs, DJs will kill Canada. That's a perfectly moderate point of view.”

This kind of rhetoric has many EDM fans up in arms. “I don’t feel safe in Canada anymore,” says DJ Fozzniak. “Every time I look out the window, I can see a conservative hiding in the bushes, looking at me with his binoculars. He’s just biding his time before he stabs me in the face."

Liana Louis, an 18 year old nu-disco DJ, shares his dread. “Conservatives are really scary,” says Liana. “Last night, I saw a conservative bite the head off a chicken while hitting a homeless man with a copy of the bible. You can’t trust people like that. How long before the conservatives starting rounding us up in camps, killing us by the thousands, and using our intestines to make soup?"

Montreal’s Bar L'Égalité La-La has come under fire for it’s decision to impose a surcharge on white men who buy drinks at the establishment.

“Since all white men under all circumstances are inherently more privileged than everyone else, everywhere, forever, we decided it was time to fight back against the monolithic, omnipresent, and immutable benefits that they receive over the rest of the world,” says bar owner Doug Bing.

Doug’s move has outraged civil libertarians across Canada while drawing warm reviews from Tumblr and Twitter users, who are quickly becoming the voice of policy for left-wing political parties.

Some critics find the move confusing, considering that Doug is a white male. “When I attack white men, what i’m really doing is attacking white men who are lower class,” says Doug. “Have you noticed how popular it is for wealthy white liberals to piss all over other white men? That’s because we’re not actually criticizing white men — we just use white as a code word for ‘white & poor’. We really just hate white men who aren’t as well off or as educated as we are, and we’ll be damned if we let them better their lot in life. We're pitting poor whites against poor minorities, that way no one can ever challenge us."

Civil libertarian Barry Oaks finds Doug’s honesty refreshing. “Doug’s intention isn’t to draw light on the injustice of systemic privilege,” says Barry “ It’s about creating a space that only attracts rich white men who aren’t price sensitive, the kind of men who have so much money it doesn’t matter what the beer costs. In a way, Doug should be commended for his honesty, because he’s one of the few progressives who admits that he only fights racism in ways that protect his class privilege, which is to say, he doesn’t fight racism at all, he uses it opportunistically for his own benefit. Some day, people will realize that the vast majority of University educated anti-racist whites are often more interested in keeping down the people directly beneath them than they are in raising minorities up. Their anti-racism is entirely contingent on maintaining their class privilege. "

Doug says he doesn’t mind being open about his intentions. “Eh, there’s no point hiding the truth anymore. Earnest anti-racism has now given way to ironic anti-racism. So anyways, if you’re a rich white guy, come over to Bar L'Égalité La-La, you’ll pay a little bit more for the privilege of sticking it to the poor! And that’s worth something, right there."

Montreal was struck by a bad case of clown violence this weekend, becoming the first city in North America to face by this strange, floppy shoed menace. The attack happened early Saturday morning, when a 23 year old man left a rave to go so buy some poutine. He soon found himself surrounded by a crowd of clowns on the corner of Rachel & St-Laurent, where witnesses say he was attacked with machetes and giant inflatable hammers. “It was brutal,” says paramedic Benoit Lagaffe. “He was in pieces by the time we got to there.”

Countries around the world have, in recent years, seen a sharp rise in clown related criminal activity. “The first attacks started in France,” says criminologist Victor Rire, “then they spread to England, Spain, Germany, and now Canada. We’re not sure why this is happening. We suspect it has something to do with the popularity of Chris Nolan’s The Dark Knight, a movie about a murderous clown preying on a man who dresses up as a human bat. People are highly susceptible to the culture they consume, and when they watch actors dressed as clowns terrorizing people, they instinctively want to imitate them. People are too stupid to tell the difference between movies and reality. That's a scientific fact."

Many academics agree. “People are just empty vessels through which culture propagates,” says sociologist Josephine DeMaistre, “and that’s why it’s important for us, as a society, to ban all art forms that promote morally incorrect political beliefs. If we don’t ensure that only the right kind of art is made, our entire civilization will be destroyed by killer clowns."

19 year old Tumblr user Anita Huggs shares Josephine's concerns. "Art is far too dangerous to be free," says Anita. "It needs to be heavily regulated by University undergraduates who possess just enough knowledge of critical theory to be obnoxious and insufferable. When people are free to create anything they want, they turn into murderers who wear red rubber noses. I know this is 100% true because I read a blog post that said it was. "

The Canadian Union for Professional Clowns released a statement that echoes the above concerns. “Most clown are peaceful people, dedicated to making the world a better, brighter place. Christopher Nolan’s 2008 depiction of a murderous clown has directly lead to today’s reality of violent clown gangs. He has caused us law abiding buffoons and jokers irreparable harm. We hope the government will intervene and ban future depictions of violent clowns."

Police, for their part, are having trouble tracking down the criminals who were responsible for the attack. “The citizens of Montreal should be on the look out for dangerous clowns,” says Sgt. Batista of the SPVM. “If you see someone wearing a colourful wig and holding a machete, do not approach them."

What do you think? Are violent clowns caused by Hollywood movies? Should people be afraid of floppy red shoes? Let us know!

Fun is no longer fun according to a recent survey of teenagers conducted by the Institute for Serious Studies. “Most teenagers have given up on enjoying themselves,” says pollster Jalbert Lecave. “We now live in a society that prioritize pleasure and fun, and in order to assert their independence and individualize, teenagers are increasingly turning to serious matters to distinguish themselves from their immature and irresponsible parents."

Jalbert is calling this the Serious Generation, who have chosen to rebel against pop culture by embracing all things serious. Julie Black is a 14 year old high school student who embodies this recent trend. “First there was norm core, but that didn’t go far enough,” says Julie. “Today, teenagers would rather learn accounting than listen to music, they’d rather file taxes than play videos, they’d prefer discuss regulations and bureaucratic manoeuvring than take drugs or have sex. Fun isn’t fun anymore. Unfun is fun."

The millennials who have started to overtake the media have noticed this trend. “I think a lot of teenagers are rebelling against what a bunch of pompous assholes the rest of us are,” says tech journalist Grand Connard. “Ever since Susan Montag said it was okay to take pop culture seriously, this was bound to happen. We’ve gone too far down that road, and now we take pop culture way too seriously, so kids are putting us in our place by rejecting pop culture and embracing all things serious. They’re rejecting kitsch in favour of things that purveyors of pop culture have yet to commodify or turn into status symbols. Bureaucracy is now in, paperwork is suddenly cool, listening to long lectures about soil erosion in Mongolia is now more appealing than listening to music."

Many event organizers and party promoters have also noticed this trend. “If my parties don’t offer seminars on taxes or paperwork or something like that, no one under 20 wants to attend them,” says promoter Joe Theriault. “The size of our crowds is dictated by how much DJs talk about the beauty of T4 forms."

Julie says she’s not surprised. “Ugh, can you imagine going to a party where people have fun? That’s sounds horrible. Bland is the new tasty, and boring is the new fun. That’s what we want."

A mob of angry progressives threw event organizer John Wilkinson off a bridge yesterday afternoon after confronting him over his controversial Squeeze Some Breasts for Charity event scheduled for March 21st.

Mr. Wilkinson survived the fall without suffering serious harm. “I don’t understand the amount of anger progressives have sent my way because of this charity event,” says Mr. Wilkinson. “All the money that we’re raising is going to breast cancer research organizations, everyone that’s involved in the event is participating of their own free will. We’ve hired a lot of security to ensure that our event is both safe and fun. It seems like a lot of progressives just really hate the idea of people being playfully sexual. When was the left overtaken by mean spirited anti-sex puritans?"

The Squeeze Some Breasts for Charity event was inspired by a similar yearly event in Japan in which porn stars let fans squeeze their breasts in exchange for donations to help fight aids.

“I thought that was a brilliant idea, so I wanted to organize something like that in Canada, except I wanted to throw in some techno music and dancing,” says Mr. Wilkinson. “Little did I know that I’d end up getting thrown off a bridge by sex negative liberals who think they have a right to tell grown men and women what they’re allowed to do with their bodies."

Progressives, for their part, dismiss the accusations. “The fact is, human sexuality need to be controlled and regimented by an enlightened progressive minority,” says Concordia professor Samathan Coolidge. “If we let people like Mr. Wilkinson organize parties where men and women are encouraged to touch each other for charity, we’re basically undermining the rights of women, which can only be protected by preventing individuals from asserting bodily autonomy. People are products of culture, we have no human individuality, we are 100% defined by our environment, and if we want to live rich and full lives, we have to submit to the political whims of a cultural minority of progressive puritans. The cacophony of sexual autonomy poses a dire threat to women’s rights, and that’s why it’s completely justifiable to throw a man off a bridge if he organizes a sex party. Vote NDP in 2015!"

What do you think? Are you Team Squeezing Breasts or Team Throwing Breast Squeezers Off Bridges? Let us know!

Happy Hardcore promoter Bryan Wigelton had an unexpected surprised on Tuesday when DJ Bosworth moved into his apartment without warning him.

“I got a knock on my door and DJ Bosworth was right there, standing in front of me,” says Bryan. “He asked if he could come in for a beer, and I said sure. The next thing I know, four other people follow in after him, all of them carrying boxes and furniture. I was so confused, I didn’t know what to do. By the time I regained my bearing, I had a new roommate. Now I’d feel bad kicking him out."

Drive-By move-ins are becoming increasingly common among people close to the city’s night life scene. “It’s the new thing. Out of work musicians will drop by your house and ask if they can hang out, and half an hour later, you’ll have a new roommate. I think the important thing to know is that if a musician wants to hang out with you, make sure they already have an apartment to live in. If they don’t, carry a bottle of mace and a blow horn, and the moment the movers appears, use both of them with extreme prejudice."

Pest control specialist Daryl Ikes agrees. “Out of work musicians are like bed bugs,” says Daryl. “The moment they move, it’s a real bitch to get them out. You need to really focus on prevention, because it costs a lot less than extermination. Forget the financial cost of kicking out a musician, just think of the emotional price you’ll have to pay."

Many out of work musicians say these characterizations are unfair. “Don’t think of it as gaining an unwanted house guest, think of it as going on a wonderful adventure with someone versed in the lyrical arts. You’re not losing your privacy, your gaining your very own bard."

Feminists across Montreal are declaring victory after dozens of clubs agreed to segregate their dance floors. “Women have suffered under the yolk of patriarchy for far too long,” says activist Marie Tuleshomme. “Today, we’ve won one another victory for women’s rights. Thanks to the progressive and humane thinking of these club owners, women will now be able to dance in peace and harmony, free from the oppressive glare of the male gaze."

The battle for segregated dance floors started last year, after Tumblr user Lily Cordial posted a note complaining about being eye raped while dancing at Foufoune Electrique, a popular downtown bar. “Men kept looking at me dancing, which is basically rape,” says Lily. “And I realized that in order to stop being eye raped, clubs needed to create segregated spaces so that men were no longer allowed to interact with women. That’s when my friends and I started lobbying the provincial government to pass a new affirmative consent act that would make it illegal for men to interact with women in any way, shape, or form, without first receiving explicit consent from them. Men shouldn’t be allowed to even look at a woman without her telling him it’s okay before hand."

Lily's post about her ideas inspired a hundred thousand reshares as feminists around the world rallied to her cause. “Gender equality requires legally enforced segregation combined with female centred affirmative consent,” says Lily. “Separate but equal is the first step to creating genuine progress. "

Club owners, for their part, say they’re protecting their own interests by segregating men from women. “The Liberal party of Quebec has tabled an affirmative consent bill that, once passed, will target second degree harassment,” says bar owner Leo Goudreau. "In effect, they’re expanding the definition of harassment so that business owners will be held culpable for the behaviour of their patrons. If a man, for example, flirts with a woman without her permission, a bar owner could be charged with second degree harassment, since it happened on their property. Rather than risk that, most of us are just going to make it impossible for men and women to interact."

While many feminists are celebrating the introduction of segregated dance floors, some believe more needs to be done. “Sure, we’ve got segregated dance floors for men and women, but we also need to create safe spaces for all the minorities that caucasian men oppress,” says Lily. “We need to go beyond gender, and focus on race and sexual orientation. We need a law that makes it illegal for white people to talk to black people, a law that makes it impossible for straight people to hang out with gay people. The key to creating equality is by ensuring the existence of legally enforced safe spaces where white men are not allowed to enter under threat of force. Only then will we live in a truly just and equal society."

When asked about class privilege, Lily laughs. "Class privilege doesn't exist. That's just nonsense that white men made up to avoid facing their culpability in perpetuating a deeply inequitable society."

Some people are worried that views like the above will inspire a backlash against feminism. “There’s a segment of the feminist movement that has gone bat shit insane,” says activist Kloe Maudite. “These are people who think the way to fight racism and sexism is by bringing back racial segregation and making it illegal for men to look at women. In the 1960s, the left fought against segregation, and today, they’re fighting to bring it back. You have progressives on Tumblr who think white people shouldn’t eat chinese food because that’s cultural appropriation. Many people who identify with the left are going to wake up in the next few years horrified by what people are doing in the name of equality."

Lily dismisses those concerns. “Kloe has internalized misogyny,” says Lily. “She doesn’t realize that the only reason she disagrees with me is that she hates being a woman."

Kloe is used to being dismissed by other feminists. “Feminism has been highjacked by white upper class University graduates,” says Kloe. “They don’t care about empowering us, they don’t care about liberating us, they only care about controlling and dominating us. They use the language of freedom in order to control people. It’s Orwellian. My one hope is that feminism manages to survive the puritanical reactionaries who have taken it over."

What do you think? Do you approve of segregated dance floors? Is it racist for white people to eat Chinese food? Is Kloe Maudite a self-hating misogynist? Let us know!

Dozens of ravers were killed over the weekend after a drone attacked an outdoor winter party.

“We were just dancing in the snow to the latest and greatest EDM beats when all of a sudden we heard this loud buzzing sound coming from the sky,” says party goer Samuel DeChamplain. “That buzzing noise gave way to a series of loud and fast BANG! BANG! BANG! sounds. I looked up and saw a machine gun floating in the sky and then I ran like hell."

Within seconds, people were falling to the ground. “The white snow turned ruby red,” says Samuel. “Have you ever seen blood soaked snow? It’ll give you carmine colored nightmares."

The drone was apparently equipped with a machine gun. “This was the first time on record of people being attacked by drones equipped with a machine gun,” says Sgt. Batista of the Montreal police department. “This is a worrisome development which we believe will have dire consequences for our society."

Ray Winston, the promoter of the outdoor winter party, says the event will be his last. “We now live in a world where flying machine gun robots can be used to attack ravers,” says Ray. “No one in their right mind should organize an outdoor party. The era of safe raving is over."

This makes some moral crusaders happy. “While we don’t necessarily condone flying machine gun robots, we’re happy to see that this event will be Ray’s last,” says Women Against Fun founder Marie Tuleshommes. “Our society is a decadent and degenerate mess that needs to be destroyed. People like Ray are out there trying to have fun when they should be rolling up their sleeves and smashing the patriarchy. The loss of human life is always a sad thing, but sometimes people deserve to die. If you’re out there having fun instead of fighting the system, don’t blame us if you get gunned down by a flying machine gun robot."

Many Concordia students are praising the promoter of the wildly successful Ironic Nazi Party, calling the event a brutal critique of the decadence and moral stagnation of Western civilization.

“Montreal’s first Ironic Nazi Party was so much fun,” says reveller Justin Tresblanc. “It was really transgressive and edgy. I hope it becomes a regular thing."

Revellers spent the night dancing to the nazi beats of DJ Hatesampler and his merry band of fascist provocateurs.

“I looked out my dorm room window and saw hundreds of people with little red bands on their arm and swastika shaped glowsticks in their hands,” says 19 year old Jennifer Greer. “They kept chanting Sieg Heil over and over again. It made me feel a little uncomfortable.”

That discomfort was exactly what event organizer Jordan Smith hoped to achieve. “We’re not really Nazi sympathizers,” says Jordan. “Our event is ironic. We threw a Nazi themed rave to shine a light on how oppressive liberal democracy is. The party itself was an act of performance art in which we reinterpreted the conformity of Nazi era Germans through a post-modern lens. At the end of the day, our party was meant to show how modern Canadians are worse than Nazi era Germans."

Sociologist Vlad Godwin thinks that Jordan’s event helps shine a light on the kind of dangerous thinking that has become common among Canadians. “I study the sociology of identity,” says Vlad. “And my research shows that liberal democratic societies are forty eight times more oppressive than fascist governments. Jordan’s rave was a brilliant critique of how regular Canadians are complicit in perpetuating a brutal political system that is far less humane than National Socialism. Jordan’s Ironic Nazi Party forces Canadians to confront how terrible they are on an immutable and intrinsic level. You’re offended by Nazis? Well, Canadians are even worse than Nazis. They need to own that fact and commit collective suicide.”

Many University students agree. “Okay, so Nazi Germany was sort of bad, but it was nowhere near as awful as Canada, which is basically hell,” says anthropology student Polly Mizzandro. “I never realized that until I started attending Concordia. My teachers here have opened my eyes as to how terrible our society is, how we are all personally responsible for it being terrible, and how our terribleness means we all deserve to die an agonizing death. The planet would be much better off if we just threw Western civilization in the trash. I had a great time at Jordan’s Ironic Nazi Rave. It felt like I was kicking our awful society right in the teeth. Ironic Sieg Heil!”

Some University professors find views like Polly’s troubling. “Off the record, I think Polly is dangerously misguided,” says one historian who refused to be named. “Her views are increasingly common among students, professors, and administrators. It’s gotten so bad, that you can’t even criticize Ironic Nazi Parties without fearing for your job. If I spoke out against this publicly, I’d be saying goodbye to my career. These days, if you don’t think liberal democracy is essentially and immutably awful, you can’t succeed as an academic. Department heads will blacklist you for being offended by so-called ironic nazi parties, which aren’t ironic at all. They were playing actual Nazi techno made by actual neo-nazis. The promoters, just like real nazis, hate democracy, hate capitalism, and hate freedom of speech. What’s ironic about that?”

40 year old Lanny Smith was out raving with her two sons when tragedy struck. “Matty stabbed Mike after they got into an argument over the musical talents of Steve Aoki,” says Lanny. “They’ve always been such competitive boys, and they take their musical preferences so seriously, but I never thought they’d stab each other over it."

Lanny says she’s been raving with her sons ever since they were old enough to hold a pair of glowsticks. “It’s been this long tradition, ever week we’d go raving. We’d drop some MDMA, snort some cocaine, make-out, and dance like no one was watching."

Many ravers aren’t surprised about the stabbing, saying that the entire Smith clan was a little crazy. “Parents who rave with their children are weird,” says party promote West Banner. “Party parents who make out with their adult children are twice as weird. Those who do so in public are beyond weird."

Lanny says it was all in good fun. “We viewed life as an act of performance art, we were always trying to push the boundaries of morally acceptable behaviour in order to comment on the emptiness of every day life. It was our way of giving society the middle finger. Matty and Mike stabbing each other was their last creative act, a tribute to how meaningless it is to care so much about musical genres, which are, at their heart, symbols of consumerist society, little tokens of status we use to adorn the hollow husks of our corporeal being."

Some art critics agree with Lanny. “If you accept Lanny’s antics as if she were earnest about them, then they’re disturbing,” says art historian Bernie Shaw. “If, however, you view them as ironic commentaries on the state of bourgeois capitalist society, they’re hilarious. One day, the death of Matty and Mike Smith will be considered the Mona Lisa of performance art."

Lanny hopes so. “I hope their tribute to the meaninglessness of capitalist society serves a purpose,” says Lanny. “I really do."

What do you think? Is making out with your mom and then stabbing your brother a courageous critique of capitalist society? Is raving with your parents a great way to rebel against social norms? Let us know!

Random yelling is the new hip thing according to pretentious journalists desperately looking for ways to make themselves seem sophisticated.

“We’ve pretty much done everything that can be done with music,” claims professional music reviewer Mayur Quetoi. “So now the big in-thing is anti-music. We’re talking about yelling and screaming while pretending to masturbate. We’re talking about caterwauling and moaning without instruments. We’re talking about howling and barking and crying and whining. That’s what people have to start listening to if they want to be part of the in crowd."

Obnoxious screaming is taking the music world by storm and Montreal promoters are jumping on the bandwagon. “From Tokyo to New York, yelling without rhythm, lyrics, or instruments is en vogue,” says event organizer Sti Tescon. “From now on, parties in Montreal will have more post-modernism and less music. Pointless screaming is better than EDM, it’s better than techno, it’s better than psytrance. It’s better than everything. You haven’t really lived until you’ve danced to the manic piercing screams of a dozen women yelling at you."

Many ravers are upset with the no-music-allowed policy that so many promoters have embraced. “Eh, fuck them,” says Sti. “Ravers don’t have to be our audience. Party goers don’t have to be our audience. Partying is dead. If you don’t want to listen to people yelling at you, if you don’t want to dance while people scream in your direction in a non-lyrical manner, you’re a terrible human being and you deserve to die."

Thanks to the popularity of anti-music, CDs of crying children are now flying off the shelves and climbing up the charts. “I’d much rather listen to a dozen babies wailing than to EDM,” says Concordia student Liana Budd. “That’s genuine, real emotion. It’s raw, it’s pure, it’s visceral. There’s no artifice, it’s not manufactured, it’s genuine, real sound free from the oppressive, racist, sexist -- but not classist, which isn't a thing -- trappings of the Industrial Entertainment Complex. Justin Bieber used to be the big thing on the radio, now it’s crying babies and screaming women. And I couldn’t be happier."

What do you think? Is anti-music better than techno? Would you like to go to a screaming-only dance party? Are babies the new pop stars? Let us know!

The Greater Montreal School Board has banned the Narnia novels in order to curtail LSD usage among students.

“Over the last two years, Going To Narnia has become a euphemism for dropping LSD,” says school board president Reginald Serieux. “In order to discourage students from Going to Narnia, we’ve placed a five year ban on the book series. Students will no longer be allowed to read the Narnia series on school property."

Parents, for their part, are being warned about the link between reading the Narnia series and getting high on LSD. “It’s important for parents to understand that while Going to Narnia starts with LSD, it often ends with crystal meth and five dollar blow jobs,” says Dr. Emmett Brownstone. “Banning the Narnia novels on school properties won’t, in and of itself, stop this menace from spreading. Parents need to be aware that if their children are reading the book series or are fans of the movies, they are most likely taking massive amounts of drugs."

Dr. Brownstone says parents are likely to find LSD tucked inside of the pages of a Narnia novel. “That’s where most teenagers are hiding their drugs these days,” says Dr. Brownstone. “Open up a copy of Narnia, and you’ll LSD on the first page."

Reginald Serieux says parents need to know that LSD is a gateway drug. “It might start with LSD, but it rarely ends with LSD. Don’t let your children near the Narnia series unless you want them turning tricks to support their drug habit."

Teenagers, for their part, dispute the claim that Going to Narnia is a euphemism for taking LSD. “They have it backwards,” says 15 year old Kelly Beaucoup. “Taking LSD is a euphemism for going to Narnia, not the other way around. Narnia is real, and old people are to square to go there."