Every Saturday afternoon at 15:00, the seats at Theatre Saint Lachance fill with students of John Davis, a 35 year old former trance DJ who has re-invented himself as a self-help guru.

"I teach students how to be exceptional drunks" says John, who always seems to have a can of beer in his hand. "It all started a few years ago, when I realized that when I'm drunk, I'm exceptionally confident." John says that his life started to take a turn for the wonderful when he began tapping into the power of alcohol.

"I was single, unemployed, and $50,000 in debt," says John. "But then I found liquid confidence in a six pack of Pabst." John says he still remembers it like it was yesterday. "It was May 13th, 2010. I had just found out that my ex-girlfriend had recently married a strip club DJ she had met at work. I was devastated when I heard the news. Convinced that I was going to live the rest of my life a pathetic, unemployed bachelor, I decide the only merciful thing to do was kill myself."

John headed to the local dept, where he bought a twelve pack of pabst. "I was too much of a coward to kill myself sober, and I realized I needed a bit of liquid courage to help me with the whole slitting-my-wrist business," says John. "By the sixth beer, I realized I now had the courage to end my life."

However, that wasn't the only thing John realized. "It occurred to me, as I wobbled a razor blade next to my wrist, that if alcohol could give me the courage to kill myself, it could also give me the courage to face all the other fears I've ever had."

John credits this eureka moment with his subsequent success. "I ran out of my apartment, half naked, a razor blade in my hand, yelling at the top of my lungs that I was the most courageous man in the Universe," says John. "Whenever I saw someone walking down the sidewalk, I'd run right into them while yelling that I wasn't afraid of them, that I wasn't afraid of anything."

Surprisingly, John wasn't arrested that night. "I woke up in a puddle of my own vomit in the back alley behind the McDonald's near my apartment," says John. "And I knew right then, right there, that I needed to share my discovery with the world."

Before long, John was teaching other young men how to benefit from liquid confidence. Alex Wesley was one of his first students. "John changed my life," says Alex from behind the bars of a cell at the Bourgeois Correctional facility. "Before I met him, I was a boring loser who had never had sex in his life. Now? When I'm not in jail, I wake up in a new woman's bed every other day, and I rarely even remember how I got there."

John says he's helped hundreds of men find their destiny. "Alcohol is the best self-help tool known to man," says John. "And I'm the first guru to help people really tap into the power of booze."

Rene Provost is mad as hell, and he's not going to take it anymore. "There's this ridiculous website called Party News, and all the articles on it are about me," says Rene. "Every single story on that site is about me. Every last one of them." Rene claims the website owner is secretly in love with him, and that's why he keeps writing about him.

Rene's friends, however, don't see it that way. "None of the stories on that site are about him," says Ellen Sage. "Half the stories are about crazy sex, the other half are about crazy crimes. It's the kind of stuff Rene would never be involved in. Rene's a great guy, but he thinks too highly of himself and sometimes he acts like the world revolves around him."

The site owner, party promoter Cliff Radwaithe, says that the stories are drawn from a variety of sources. "Some stories are based on real events that took place in Montreal," says Cliff. "Other stories are based on events that took place around the world, and some of the stories are completely fabricated. None of these stories, however, are inspired by Rene Provost. I don't know the man, the writers who work for me don't know the man, no one I associate with knows the man. He's free to believe what he wants, but really, none of us at Party News know what this guy is talking about. There are stories we've shared based on actual Montrealers, but he's not one of them."

Psychologist Earl Wittinger says it's not uncommon for narcissist to think that the media they consume is about them. "Some people are so vain, they think the movies they watch are about them, the songs they listen to are about them, and the articles they read about them," says Earl. "And this kind of vanity has been on the rise with the ascendancy of social media. People in the west are becoming more and more self-absorbed thanks to websites like twitter and facebook. In the years to come, more and more people will mistakenly believe that the stories they read on the web are actually about them. That's what the internet is doing to people. It's making them more self-absorbed."

Montreal's infamous Dubstep Party Bus has met an untimely end after it's driver, Louis Deserres, accidently drove the bus into a retirement home over the weekend. "I was sitting on the couch watching Matlock when I heard this loud boom," says retiree Annie Louis, "I turn around, and the wall was gone. Suddenly, there was a yellow school bus in the middle of the retirement home's common area. It caused a huge stir, I'll tell you that."

Gerard Duprix said it was the most excitement the retirement home had seen in years. "Oh, everyone who could get up, got up to see what all the fuss was about. The poor young man, that driver Louis, he was bleeding all over his head. We pulled him out of the vehicle, he was a little out of it. Thankfully, no one was seriously hurt -- Louis didn't hit any of us at the home, and none of the kids on the bus were injured either."

Louis, who has owned and operated the Dubstep Party Bus for the last ten years, was driving his passengers to a Caban a Sucre when he lost control of the vehicle.

Debby Seneca was at the front of the bus when the accident happened. "We were all dancing and partying and getting our groove on to some dubstep when Louis just lost control of the wheel. I think he might have hit an animal or something. I'm not sure. The next thing we know, we're inside a retirement home. We definitely weren't going to keep our appointment with the cabane a sucre, not after that."

The ravers made the best of a poor situation. DJ Grotto was also on the bus when the accident happened. "The bus was totalled, but the sound system that Louis had installed wasn't. We decided to continue the party while we waited for the paramedics to show up."

The passengers of the party bus spent the next two hours helping clean up some of the debris and socializing with the elderly tenants of the retirement community. "Dubstep isn't my cup of tea," says Gerard. "But it was fun dancing with some teenagers. I hope they visit us again -- but next time, they should just come through the front door."

The so-called YOLO killer has struck again say Montreal police. "Jonathan Wrigley of Trois Rivieres was celebrating his birthday on Crescent street when he was struck in the head with a small hatchet," says Sgt. Lachance. "According to the witnesses of the brutal murder, Mr. Wrigley had just finished yelling the word YOLO out loud when a man in a yellow trench coat ran up and attacked him."

This isn't the first time the YOLO killer has struck, and his modus operandi hasn't changed much since he first started attacking his victims in 2011. "He's kept a fairly consistent pattern," says forensic psychologist Carolyn Lemieux. "He stalks well known party districts in Montreal, looking for people who yell out YOLO. When he hears the word, he pulls out his hatchet and attacks his victims until they're dead."

The YOLO killer has murdered eighteen people in the last two years. "All of his victims have been under 25, most of them are male, all of them have swag. He's very particular about the people he kills."

Police so far have not been able to catch the man, despite the fact that he wears a bright yellow trench coat that makes him very easy to spot. "I honestly think that the police just don't want to arrest him," says Ellen Troy, Mr. Wrigley's girlfriend. "They think the YOLO killer is doing is a public service by weeding out the gene pool of undesirables. It's eugenics by serial killing, it's disgusting. Jonathan might have been kind of obnoxious, but that doesn't mean he deserved to die just because he liked to yell YOLO now and then."

One Montreal police officer to spoke to Rave News off the record. "The police commissioner has an unofficial hands-off policy vis-a-vis the YOLO killer," says the officer. "If ever he starts killing non-YOLO yellers, we'll bring the full force of the law down on his back, but for now, the police department is taking a hands off approach."

Notorious Dubstep promoter Duval Lacrosse was arrested over the weekend after he murdered his 9 year old son Marcel. The promoter was worried that his son's small penis would jeopardize his ability to live a rich and fulfilling life as an adult, and decided to spare him the torture of inadequacy by drowning him in a bathtub.

The promoter told the police that his son had been born with a micro-penis, and that every year, it seemed to shrink a bit. "He was very upset with his son's equipment," SPVM spokesman Jean Legrand told Ravenews. "It weighed heavily on his mind." Friends of Duval agreed that his son's penile problems concerned him a great deal. "I'd be playing at his parties, and he'd just keep tapping me on my shoulder telling me about how small his son's dick was," says Regis Kirkland. "It was really weird. No one deserves to die because of something like. Duval's an idiot."

Duval's obsession with penis size was well known to Montreal's rave scene. "He'd sell penis pumps, cock and ball stretching devices, and weird herbal penis enlargement pills at all his parties," said Nathan Duvillion. "The last party he organized was called Big Rods. Duval was obsessed with cocks, and he thought having a man's self-worth was measured by the size of his dick. I never would have thought he'd kill his son for having a small penis though. It just goes to show you, you can party with a guy for years, but that doesn't mean you know what kind of person he is. That dude you spent all that time dancing with might one day drown his son in a bathtub for having a micro-penis."

Duval's ex-wife, Natasha Desmoines, was inconsolable. "Marcel had his whole life ahead of him," said Natasha. "I don't know what I'm going to do. My life is empty without him."

Montreal police have met with several of the city's most successful party promoters asking them to help pull in out of control ravers. "Ravers need to stop setting people on fire," says Sgt. Abernacle of the SPVM. "We've been very lenient with the city's rave community for the last few years, however, we cannot turn a blind eye to the recent spate of arson attacks being committed by ravers."

The promoters who met with the city's police force agree that something needs to be done. "Montreal is the only city where ravers throw molotov cocktails at the DJs for fun," says David Littleman, a happy hardcore promoter. "At my last party, someone set DJ Bixxy, our headliner, on fire. They just came up to the DJ booth, threw a bunch of gasoline on him, and lit a match. Having a bonfire in the park during the middle of summer? That's understandable, but what's happening Montreal is insane. No one sets DJs on fire in Toronto, or Vancouver, or even Halifax. This is only happening in our city, and the rave community needs to band together and put a stop to this before anyone else gets hurt."

Thierry Gauthier has been partying in Montreal since the early nineties. "In all my years on the dance floor, I've never seen anything like it," says Thierry. "It all started a few years ago, when a couple of ravers thought it'd be funny if they lit the dumpsters behind a venue on fire. After they got away with it, they decided to up the stakes. Soon, they were burning porta potties, after that they started setting trees on fire, and after that cars. Eventually other ravers started joining in the fun. Now, it's almost impossible to go to a party in this city without seeing something set on fire. It's insane. It's almost enough to make you want to stay home."

Jacques Lavigne, a popular Dubstep promoter, believes that the police are overreacting. "As a promoter, our goal should be to provide party goers with an outlet for their creativity. When people come up with new ways to enjoy themselves at our parties, say by lighting our DJs on fire, we shouldn't try to stop that. Instead, we should encourage it. The problem isn't that our DJs are being set on fire, it's that our DJs aren't wearing flame resistant clothing. Ravers want to set people on fire, and as businessmen, we have to rise to the challenge and provide them with a safe and humane way of doing that."

Montreal police have taken 24 year old Erik Peterson into custody after they received numerous anonymous tips that he had sown his girlfriend's mouth shut. Naomi Pola, Erik's 21 year old victim, was taken to the hospital where she received emergency care.

"This was an incredibly upsetting case," says Sgt. Laughtner. "When we arrived at Mr. Peterson's apartment, he wouldn't let us in. We had to break his door down with a battering ram. Upon entering the premises, we discovered Ms. Pola cowering in the corner of Mr. Peterson's living room. Her hands bound and her mouth was sown shut with a black thread. It wasn't a pretty sight."

Erik, who is currently out on bail, said it was an act of self-defence. "We were heading home from this amazing skweee event when Naomi started nagging me about my taste in music," says Erik. "I love skweee music. No one disses skweee. And that's what she was doing. And she wouldn't shut up, even though I asked her to let it go."

After the couple returned to the apartment, their argument intensified. "Naomi really doesn't like skweee music. Which is fine, but she just wouldn't shut up about how awful she thought the party was," says Erik. "Well, my momma said if you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't say anything at all. So I punched Naomi in the face, tied up her hands, and sowed her mouth shut. And then I made her listen to all my skweee albums."

The police were notified after Erik posted pictures of his handiwork to Facebook. "In retrospect, maybe that wasn't a great idea," says Erik. "I really shouldn't have posted those pictures of Naomi's mouth sown shut on the internet. That was a mistake."

Naomi is expected to make a full recovery.

"I thought the door was open," says Daniel Smith, a 24 year old psytrance DJ and recovering meth addict. "Patio doors shouldn't be see-through. They should be shaded or feature checkered patterns or something. I'm lucky I didn't cut myself when I walked into that door. I could have been seriously injured."

According to statistics released by Health Canada, every year hundreds of ravers walk into glass doors, causing them to shatter. Some of these ravers, like Daniel Smith, walk away unscathed. Many however, do not. In some cases, the consequences can be deadly. In 2009, a partygoer in Vancouver died of lacerations sustained to her wrists after she walked into a glass door at the Barnaby Club.

"My run in with that glass door happened at a house party in little Italy" says Daniel. "I was out on the balcony having a smoke, and decided to return inside. It looked like the door was still open." Unfortunately for Daniel, It wasn't. "You'd think a patio door would be solid. Well, they're not. I didn't run into the door, either. I walked into it. Casually."

The other party goers were in a state of shock when the door shattered. "Even the DJ stopped playing," says Daniel. "I was so embarrassed. And the worst thing is, everyone blamed me. The host kicked me out of the party!"

Daniel didn't take that lying down. "The day after the party, I was so angry, I contacted my lawyer. I'm going to sue the company that made that patio door," says Daniel. "Transparent doors shouldn't even be legal. They're a public safety hazard. How many people have to die before the government acts? I hope my lawsuit will nudge our politicians into doing the right thing."

Every Tuesday, university students Katya Kuthrapali and Sophia Cavis attend ladies night at the popular Little Burgundy club Le Cul Percé. "Last week might be the last time we go there," says Katya. "I love that the drinks are free, that the men are plentiful, and that the music is awesome. But I don't feel safe there anymore. Not after those pimps tried to recruit us."

The two students were sitting at a table drinking their beers when they were approached by a couple of young women. "They started chatting us up, and they seemed nice enough," says Sophia. "They asked us if they could sit at our table, and we said sure. One of them even offered us some free cocaine."

Katya and Sophia didn't know it at the time, but the two students were being targeted by a sophisticated prostitution ring that recruits its members at clubs. "Later that night," says Katya. "The girls who sat at our table introduced us to their 'boyfriends', a couple of guys in their late forties wearing fuzzy fedoras and lots of gold chains."

That's when their night took a turn for the strange. "After those two men showed up, the girls started prodding us with very strange questions," says Katya. "They asked us about our sex lives, our interest in men, our jobs, how much money we made, how much money we'd like to make."

That wasn't all, says Sophia. "They didn't just throw questions at us. They also threw a lot of white powder our way. A lot of it." High on cocaine, the two students were much more open with their personal lives than they would have been normally. "I realized something weird was going on when I noticed that they never took any of the coke themselves. Not only that, but every time we did a line, they'd ask us the most intrusive questions."

The two women became more suspicious as the night grew on. "We started getting uncomfortable, and decided we wanted to leave," says Sophia. "As we were leaving, one of the boyfriends took out a giant wad of cash and asked us if we'd like to make two hundred dollars for an hours work. Our jaws dropped."

The two women declined the offer. "I'm worth at least five hundred," says Katya. "Seriously, though. The last thing a girl should have to put up with when going out to clubs is being buttered up by pimps. After we left, we posted about our experience on Facebook. Apparently we aren't the only ones who've been approached by pimps at that club. It's very common."

The owners of the Cul Percé declined to comment on this story.

Ravers are once again in the cross-hairs of angry city councillors. "One of the latest fads to hit Montreal's night life community are so-called needle parties," says Erin Sabina, councillor for Montreal's Griffinberg district. "The number of verified needle parties has doubled over the last two years. If the city doesn't do something soon, none of our parks will be safe for the public."

Needle parties are an American tradition that have only recently found their way to Montreal. Junkies from across the city descend on a secret location, where they trade needles, drugs, and sexual favors. The goal of a needle party is to hide as many dirty, broken, used needles as possible in a public setting. "It's kind of like hiding Easter eggs," says Jane Goodwin, a veteran needle party-goer. "I've been to a dozen needle parties, and they're so much fun. When you're not shooting up or getting laid, you're looking for places to hide your needles. It's like we're leaving little surprise gifts for people to find." Erin Sabina doesn't see it that way. "Used needles aren't gifts. I don't understand how anyone attending these parties thinks that hiding needles in public is a good thing."

George Weinberg, a needle party promoter, thinks the city councillors are getting worked up over nothing. "I think hiding needles for the public to find is a random act of kindness," says George. "Just picture this, you're walking around town with your friends, and then suddenly -- you find a free needle! Everyone love's free stuff. When we throw needle parties, we're giving back to the city. And I think we should be commended, not reprimanded for what we're doing."

Alex Papadolopous went to his first needle party last weekend, and agrees with George. "It's great fun. I think the city should be subsidizing needle party promoters. They should be giving them grants. The party I went too at Narc Park, we must have hidden at least two hundred used needles. Just picture all the kids running through that park finding needles to play with! We're spreading sunshine and joy, man. Needle parties are the best kind of charity."

Erin vows to step up her fight against the practice. "They're not spreading sunshine and joy," says the city councillor. "They're spreading diseases."

City police are warning Montrealers not to accept visine from strangers after a devastating incident on Sunday resulted in the blinding of four teenagers. "These 17 year olds were smoking marijuana near Angel park when a man dressed in black offered them a bottle of visine," says Sgt. Leonard. "Unfortunately, the bottle was spiced with a slow acting toxin that causes permanent blindness."

After the teenagers finished smoking up, they used the visine, and within an hour none of them could see. "I was driving down park avenue when these kids stumbled into the middle of the street, yelling at the top of their lungs that they were blind" says Jackie Lestat, who called 911 after the teenagers forced her to stop her car. "I waited with them until the paramedics arrived. I don't understand people. Who goes around poisoning teenagers? What kind of sick world do we live in? I'm losing my faith in humanity. I just don't get how anyone could do something like this."

The teenagers will survive the attack, but aren't expected to fully regain their sight.

"They were lucky," says Dr. Lapeine. "In many cases of visine poisoning, the victims end up dying. Most cases involve slipping visine into a persons drink. This is a rarer case where someone used a needle to insert a compound, we still aren't sure which one, inside the bottle. This compound caused the rapid degeneration of the photoreceptor cells. We were able to stop some of the damage, but the teens will never have 20/20 vision again. At least they're alive though."

The police described their attacker was 6'2, wearing a black baseball cap, a black jacket, black leather pants, black doc martins, and a black shirt with a skull on it. "He looked like the Punisher, if the punisher was a goth kid," says Ian Dusseault, one of the teenagers who was attacked, and the only one who agreed to talk with Rave News. "I hope the police find him. What he did to us is unforgivable. We thought he was being nice to us, but he wasn't. I'll never accept a free gift from a stranger again."

Montreal police say they won't press charges against 24 year Eleanor Singh for carrying her miscarried foetus around in a plastic container. The police were alerted to Singh's peculiar baggage after receiving an anonymous tip from a concerned citizen.

"We received a call that Ms. Singh was in possession of a dead child" says Sgt. Abernacle. "Our investigation revealed that she has been carrying around a fetus that she had miscarried while attending an outdoor rave in the fall. We convinced her to inter the child, and will not be pressing any charge. She's been through enough."

Solar Plexus 4, the last edition of Sherbrooke's yearly psytrance extravaganza, was the party where the miscarriage occurred. "I was listening to Dj Threeyes spin some of the fiercest psychedelic beats I ever heard when a sharp pain coursed throughout my body," says Eleanor. "I looked down on the ground and there was blood everywhere and it was dripping down my legs, and my baby was in the dirt and he wasn't breathing and he looked so helpless and I didn't know what to do."

After realizing that she had suffered from a spontaneous abortion, Eleanor decided she'd make the best of a bad situation. "Solar Plexus is a four day party, and I lost my baby on the first night. I couldn't just leave. He was dead, and it's not like I could bring him back to life. So I picked him up, put him in my purse, and I partied on in his honor."

Once she started carrying her fetus around in her purse, she had trouble stopping. "At first, I put my baby in my purse because it was convenient, but eventually it just felt right having him there... I know what I did was wrong, and I'm happy the cops made me bury him, but people shouldn't judge me if they haven't been in my shoes. I'm the one who lost my baby. At first, I only carried my baby around inside my purse because I didn't want to leave Solar Plexus, but eventually, I started carrying him around because I didn't want to be separated from him. I'm not a bad person. I'm not."

Dave Steinberg hasn't seen his roommate in months. "Giles never leaves his room anymore," says Dave. "Ever since he started dating Betty, he just stays inside his bedroom with her. He doesn't eat, he doesn't work, he doesn't even go to the washroom. It's eery. I'm surprised he hasn't died of starvation yet."

Every now and then, Dave can hear the two having sex. "Sure, Giles and Betty get in on sometimes, but it's not like they're always having sex in there. They screw once or twice a week, max. The rest of the time, I think Betty just sort of sits on top of Giles, so that he can't go anywhere. She traps him under her thighs, like some sort of paranoid animal."

Sitting on top of your sex partners to prevent them from straying is a common evolutionary strategy according to biologist Jan Werzing. "It's called mate guarding," says Jan. "The male stick insect, for example, will sit on top of a female it's mated with until it dies of starvation, it's withered corpse acting like a gruesome chastity belt. Male wasp spiders snap off their penises inside their partners in order to prevent them from having sex with other spiders. Mate guarding is everywhere in the animal kindgom. "

Mate guarding is a common way for animals to prevent competitors from reproducing with their partners. "Male stick insects would rather die than let their lovers have babies with other male stick insects," says Jan. "Betty is engaging in a similar strategy with Giles. By sitting on top of him like a giant sack of concrete, she guarantees that her boyfriend will never sleep with another woman. It might seem insane, but it makes perfect evolutionary sense."

Dave doesn't care if it makes evolutionary sense. "Giles and I used to party all the time. We'd go out drinking, and singing, and dancing. Now, he just sort of lies there, in his room. Sometimes, I swear I can hear him moaning for help. If he doesn't come out of his room in the next few days, i'm going to break into it and toss Betty out. She can go find another man to sit on -- I want my roommate back."