The 2019 Methy Awards, the annual raver award ceremony that celebrates the best the EDM scene has to offer, is about to release this year’s slate of nominees. Every January 1st, ravers around the world gather to vote on categories ranging from best promoter, to most innovative new drug, to biggest scene whore. You never know what to expect at the Methy Awards—except that it’ll probably be an event to remember. Or perhaps forget depending on which drugs you’re on.

“I can’t wait to see who wins the most embarrassing DJ award,” says 23 year old raver Abigail Adams. “My vote is for DJ Pandaplex. It was super awkward and kind of disgusting when he gave a handjob to a caged panda on stage. That’s not what the rave scene is about. He’s a total weirdo.”

It’s not all panda handjobs at the Methy Awards. Many of the categories might highlight the silly and absurd elements of the party scene, but the event also celebrates a lot of the unsung heroes of the party community. “Bartenders, bouncers, door men, ticket takers, gaffers, go-go girls, clean-up crew—these are all people who are usually over looked by ravers, and those are the people we want to give awards to,” says Methies founder Chris Kringleton. “One of the reasons I decided to launch these raver awards was to highlight all the incredible work that’s done behind the scenes to make parties possible. Sure, everyone wants to know who is going to win best party of the year, but it’s the myriad awards for raver lackies that are the true heart of the meths.”

You can watch the award ceremony stream live on the internet at 9pm, January 1st 2019.

The city of Toronto is experiencing a urinal cake crisis as hundreds of ravers are scouring public bathrooms in order to steal them. The hygienic products are in hot demand after it was discovered that smoking the crushed remains of a used urinal cake will get you high.

Intrepid psychonauts who have braved the disgust factor in order to smoke crushed urinal pads say that the buzz is like the best parts of cocaine and MDMA mixed with the mild hallucinogenic effects of a low dose of psilocybin. “It’s one of the friendliest highs you can ever have,” says heavy drug user Chad Chatterton. “I’ve taken pretty much everything you can think of in all the weird ways you can imagine. I’ve shoved needles of heroin up my urethra, I’ve huffed gasoline straight from an exhaust pipe, I’ve bathed my ball sack in liquid nitrogen. I’ve done it all, and I’m telling you, nothing comes close in terms of pleasure as smoking the crushed remains of a dirty used urinal cake. Those things are worth their weight in gold.”

The surprising use of dirty urinal cakes as ingredients in a potent psychotropic drug has lead to the creation of a new class of underworld criminals: cake thieves. This class of crook largely consists of ravers who spend their waking hours sneaking into bathrooms looking for their pee soaked goal. A single well drenched urinal cake can sell for up to $25 on the black market, so businesses are having an increasingly hard time keeping their toilets hygienic.

“It’s disgusting that we have to keep an eye on our bathrooms now to make sure people aren’t running away with our urinal cakes,” says fast-food manager Bailey Bebop. “Is that the kind of world we live in now? A world where people make a living stealing urinal cakes?”

Police rescued a woman on Saturday who was being chased down the streets of Montreal by her knife wielding boyfriend. This terrifying incident took place shortly after the woman told her partner that she would rather go to a psytrance party than watch Rick and Morty with him. “Her decision infuriated the man,” says Sgt. Irma Cornichon. “He was desperate for her wubba lubba dub dub, and her refusal to give it to him caused him to suffer a psychotic break with reality.”

The man grabbed a butcher’s knife from the kitchen then chased her out of their apartment and down several city blocks, jumping over garbage cans, dogs, and even small children in pursuit of her. “Thankfully, the woman was able to slow him down by criticizing Rick and Morty. Every time she insulted the show, he paused in his tracks and started crying, which gave her time to put some more distance between her and her attacker.”

Police arrived at the scene of the chase within minutes and quickly put a stop to it. “We had officers nearby who were able to respond to the attack before anything serious happened,” says Sgt. Cornichon. “Unfortunately, we doubt this will be the last time such a scene happens in Montreal. We ask all adult men to remember that cartoons are for children, and that you shouldn’t chase after your girlfriends with butcher knives if they’d rather do something more age appropriate, like drop DMT at a psytrance party, than watch a kid’s show with you,.”

You might not have noticed it, but Bill Gates has quietly become the fashion icon for millions of well behaved party kids. From the streets of Brooklyn to the back alleys of Los Angeles, young adults and older teenagers are rebelling against rebellion by embracing the staid and stoic aesthetic of Seattle’s billionaire nerd king.

Gone are the days of punk rock and hip hop, of drum and bass and booty house—today’s teenagers prefer billcore. This aesthetic movement takes all its cues from the design and fashion choices that Bill Gates has made over his long and storied career. Nerdy and dorky is the new cool. “Modern party kids have a spirit animal, and that animal is named Bill Gates,” says fashion expert Les Tetons. “This generation has turned its back on risk and excitement. They prefer bland, boring, safe, functional, predictable. Today’s teenagers act like yesterday’s grandpas. It’s only natural that they’d embrace Bill Gates as the face of their generation.”

Billcore isn’t limited to clothing choices. The movement is more than what you put on your back. It’s an entire approach to life, a sensibility that permeates every aspect of the modern party kid’s existence. “You’ve got billcore music, billcore interior decor. There’s even a store in Brooklyn that sells mild billcore salsa. Bland is beautiful. Bland is the future.”

Promoter Kyle Kylerson, famous for his ribaldrous raves, has caused his rivals marriage to fall a part after seducing the man’s wife and daughter. “This asshole kept scheduling his parties on the same weekend as mine, so I fucked his wife and his daughter.” says Kyle. “I did them both at the same time. We had a gang bang right on his bed. And I filmed it all. When I was done splooging all over his ladies, I sent him the video. ”

Kyle says his rival wasn’t just a bad promoter, but a bad father who got what was coming to him. “His wife hates him and his daughter doesn’t respect him,” says Kyle. “You think a well adjusted 22 year old woman would have a threesome with her mom? He’s as good a father as he is a promoter, which is to say he sucks.”

It’s not uncommon for rival rave promoters to get revenge on each other through sexual shenanigans says Urbanologist Kesha Sutherland. “Rave promoters engage in all sorts of odd territorial behaviour,” says Kesha. “For example, your average promoter will mark his territory by urinating over it. Some of the more elite rave promoters possess anal glands that secret a musk that warns others not to mess with them. Seducing a mate’s opponent is just one of the many fascinating ways that promoters negotiate territory.”

Doctors across North America are warning people that drinking lean will make them sterile. Lean, also known as purple drank, is popular drug with homeless people and ravers. This intoxicating sludge is made by combing soda with cough syrup. Unfortunately for fans of this devil’s brew, scientists earlier this year revealed that the substance attacks the reproductive organs of both men and women.

Regularly drinking lean causes the hypogonadal axis of the brain, which regulates the production of sexual hormones, to atrophy. “Effectively, when people drink lean, it’s like they’re telling their brain to shrivel up their ovaries and testes,” says Dr. Phil Connors, president of the Mundane Medical Society of Chibougameau. “After a few months of being on lean, a man’s penis begins to rot from the inside out. It takes a few years before it’ll actually fall off altogether, but each time a man takes a swig of lean, it’s like a tiny little misandry gnome is kicking him in the testicles. And you don’t even want to know what happens to female lean drinkers. It’s like nuclear powered menstruation. Just awful stuff.”

Ravers and homeless people are undeterred by these medical warnings. “If the price of getting high on lean is my balls falling off, then that’s a price I’m willing to pay,” says 23 year old party kid Raoul Luoar. “Lean forever!”

PornBob, the world’s largest porn site run by a guy named Bob, has just released it’s annual search engine rankings, and the numbers don’t lie: ravers are addicted to nun pornography. “If there’s one things that gets ravers hot and bothered, it’s the idea of having sex with a nun,” says Bob Bobington, CEO of PornBob. “Nothing comes close to it for ravers. Not gang bangs, not cream pies, not amateur sex, not squirting videos. Nothing.”

For every vanilla porn search a raver makes, they’ll make ten searches for naughty nun doing dirty deeds. Some researchers believe that the reason ravers are so transfixed with nuns is because they’re drowning in degeneracy, desperately craving something wholesome and pure. “All ravers are basically whores who have sex for drugs,” says Ronaldo Corleone, a part-time sambass party promoter and full-time sexologist at the Toronto Institute for Normal Sex. “ In fact, I’m pretty sure every one who has ever been to more than two raves has traded sex for drugs or drugs for sex. It’s just what ravers do. It’s like breathing for them.”

Ronaldo says that ravers who surround themselves with nothing but immorality secretly long for the embrace of someone who is chaste and decent. “Nuns are the polar opposite of ravers,” says Ronaldo. “Ravers are wicked and sinful, while nuns are kind and decent. Ravers have weird cocaine fuelled glowstick orgies, while nuns pray for the unfortunate while worshipping the lord. Ravers believe in nothing but pleasure, while nuns understand that pleasure leads to temptation and temptation leads to eternal damnation in the fires of hell. On some level, ravers understand that they’ve sacrificed their soul for techno, which is why they’re fixated on having sex with nuns.”

Ellie Belinora, a 22 year old confectionist at Toronto’s Peanut Butter Emporium, made a gruesome discovery late Wednesday evening when she discovered the lifeless body of her boyfriend inside their custom built latex vacuum sex bed. These beds, which are popular among fetishists, use vacuum pumps to trap people beneath a sheet of latex with carefully placed holes for the body’s orifices. Like a wiener in an opened bag of hotdogs, once you’re in a vacuum bed, you’re not getting out unless someone let’s you out.

The victim, the infamous rave promote Norm Hiddleston, had been left inside the DIY bondage contraption during a session of abandonment play. This is a game where kinksters tie up a loved one and then leave them in this helpless state for hours at a time. It was during this interlude that a shelf above the vacuum bed became loose, causing the collection of giant dildos it was holding up to tumble down onto Norm. One of the oversized sex toys landed directly in his throat, asphyxiating him.

“We built this latex vacuum bed to spice up our sex life,” says Ellie, “but instead it’s taken the life of the one I loved. I hope people learn from my mistakes. Find satisfaction in good, safe, sensual vanilla sex. The missionary position isn’t going to kill you the way a giant dildo falling off a shelf into your open mouth while you’re trapped in a latex vacuum bed will.”