Researchers at Louisiana’s Montcalm University have released a study that claims attending Burning Man can cure aids. “Yes, we’ve conclusively shown that the most potent form of AIDS treatment is attending Burning Man,” says lead author Dr. Phil Privilege, “while we still need to investigate why Burning Man has such strong medicinal properties, it’s hard to argue with our trial results.”

Burning Man, a large weeklong outdoor gathering of young rich urban caucasians pretending to be Native Americans, has long been rumoured to be a source of incredible healing miracles. “Burning Man saved my life,” says Silicon Valley programmer and dedicated burner Barry White, “I suffered from chronic bourgeoisie syndrome until I attended my first Burning Man. Now though, I’m a man of the people, and I feel great.”

Lianna Lilly, The president of the Council of American Homeopaths & Magicians, says she’s not surprised that Dr. Privilege’s research has proven that Burning Man can cure aids. “Burning Man cures everything,” says Lianna, “and I think that’s because attending Burning Man is a lot like taking homeopathic medicine. Human wellness is diluted at Burning Man, and by being diluted, it becomes amplified until it saturates the whole event, and this diluted wellness triggers people’s bodies to reboot to their natural, healthy state. When you go to Burning Man, the darkness in your soul gives way to the light.”

Raving might not be as popular as it used to be, but wouldn't be great if it made a comeback? If you want to relive the glory days of the techno scene, use this handy list of ten old school raver facts to help throw your own retro-electro party!

1. Secret Locations

The best raves were always the ones that were under threat of being raided by the police. They’d take place at a secret location that party goers would only find out about hours before the party. Sometimes you’d have to meet up at a secret meeting place to be guided to the secret location, sometimes you’d be given the address after calling a secret phone number, in one way or another though, the promoters would try to shroud the party in as much secrecy as possible, creating a subversive, damn-the-man, atmosphere of life beyond the interminable grasp of the nanny state.

2. Glowsticks

Ravers love glowsticks the way babies love sucking on nipples. You can’t be a real raver unless you love twirling around a transparent tube of plastic filled with phenyl oxalate, fluorescent dye solution, and hydrogen peroxide. Raving is all about chemistry, especially if that chemistry glows in the dark. The best glowsticks were the ones you made at home. It wasn't uncommon for party promoters to spend the day before a rave making hundreds of glowsticks by hand.

3. Pacifiers

Ravers love putting things in their mouth. Big things, small things, long things that squirt, all sorts of things, but nothing satisfies a raver’s mouth like a baby’s pacifier. It’s not really a rave unless the dance floor is full of teenagers sucking on plastic. A good rave should always have someone who goes around handing out pacifiers to strangers.

4. Fun Fur Pants

Regular pants are lame. Why wear denim or plaid or corduroy when you can be wearing the fuzzy, furry hide of Snuffleupagus? At the height of the raver revolution, dancers got their moves on while dressed like colourful characters from a kids TV show. Ravers didn’t just like the Teletubbies, they wanted to look like them. You can't have a rave without colourful fur.

5. MDMA

Sure, meth is fun, and who doesn't like smoking crack? But none of those drugs are rave material. If you’re not rolling on MDMA, you're not really raving. If you want to throw an epic retro party, make sure everyone has access to as much ecstasy as they can pop. It really helps with the rave atmosphere if you have members of a criminal biker gang present at your party so that they can take care of the whole messy drug dealing business.

6. $7 Water Bottles

Crass capitalism is a hallmark of a proper rave. Hours of drugged out dancing in a room full of hot, sweaty, furry ravers can dehydrate you to the point of death — and dying from thirst wasn't unheard of in the halcyon days of raving — which is why a good party promoter would make sure that water was always available for $7 a bottle. Water at a real rave is scarce & expensive.

7. Vicks VapoRub

Ravers who are high on MDMA love Vicks VapoRub. The easiest way to make a friend at a rave is to go up to someone with a jar of VapoRub and ask them if you can rub it all over their body. It’s not really a rave unless the room smells of sweaty teenagers covered in camphor, menthol, turpentine, eucalyptus oil, cedar leaf oil, myristica oil, and thymol.

8. Giving Homeless People Handjobs

Raving wasn't just about getting high and having fun, it was also about giving back to the less fortunate. By the late 1990s, most raves ended with something known as the Hand Of The People ritual. The ritual would start the moment the dance floor began to clear up. The last five people on the dance floor would then be brought up on stage, next to the DJ booth, where they would give handjobs to local homeless people rounded up by the party promoters. This relationship with the homeless didn't start as an act of charity, since it originally evolved as a way of bribing the homeless so that they wouldn’t inform the police about the locations of raves in their areas. However, eventually the ritual took on a life of its own, until it was no longer about bribery, but about giving back. You can’t have a real old-school rave without The Hand Of The People ritual.

9. PLUR

Peace, love, unity, respect. That’s the ethos of raving. A real rave is an idealistic, non-profit adventure that has no place for egos. It’s about creating an environment where people can forge common bonds by uniting as one through the act on wonton revelry and debauchery, creating a moment of solidarity in the face of a cruel and uncaring universe that is entirely indifferent to their existence. Life is meaningless, but with P.L.U.R, it isn’t.

10. Happy Hardcore

Happy Hardcore is to raving what Bach is to classical music. It was once the most popular form of techno in the world. The vast majority of raves were dominated by Happy Hardcore. Ninety percent of rave DJs only played happy beats. It’s not really an old school rave if most of the music isn't happy hardcore.

Scientists at Ottawa’s Auburn University have released a study that they say shows a conclusive link between smoking marijuana and raping the elderly. “Statistically, people who commit elder rape are much more likely to be pot smokers,” says lead researcher Dr. Jane Quacks, “and the difference isn’t minor, either. If someone is arrested for raping an elderly person, they are fifty times more likely to be a pot smoker. In other words, for every non smoker who commits sexual assault against someone’s grandmother, you have fifty marijuana users who have done the same. Fifty!”

The scientists are hard pressed to find a reason for why marijuana users are so prone to abusing old people. “We believe that THC, the chemical compound in marijuana that’s responsible for getting people high, alters two key regions in the brain, the insular cortex, which plays a role in regulating empathy, and the caudate nucleus, which governs the brain’s reward centre,” says Dr. Quacks, “THC rewires the caudate nucleus so that previously undesirable activities becomes desirable. A normal person does not find raping baby boomers to be rewarding, but on marijuana, they do.”

Dr. Quack’s research will surely prove controversial, especially in the light of recent efforts to legalize marijuana. “I think it’s obvious that marijuana puts baby boomers at risk,” says Dr. Quacks, “and that’s why politicians need to seriously consider the consequences of legalization. If we’re not careful, we will create the conditions necessary for a country wide crime wave in which roving gangs of pot smoking teenagers will scour the suburbs looking for old people to sexually assault. The right thing to do is to make marijuana illegal for all times, under all conditions. Think of the elderly. If we don't protect them from pot smokers, who will?”

Doctors at Queenskraute Hospital are warning parents of a dangerous new fad that's sweeping school yards across the country. "Children are snorting crushed up rockets as if the colourful concoctions were cocaine," says Doctor Lisa Cohn. "There have been cases of children snorting candy for decades, but they were rare until recently. Thanks to social networking and youtube videos of children engaging in the act, its popularity has exploded."

Every day, dozens of children are rushed to the hospital for candy snorting related injuries. "The candy doesn't have any psychoactive properties itself, however the crushed pieces are sharp enough to cut the insides of the nasal region, trapping fragments of sugar into the wounds," says Lisa. "The sugar then ferments, creating a perfect nesting ground for insects to lay their eggs. And that's how children get high from this -- through nasal maggots"

Doctors say that several children have already died from nasal infections as a result of snorting crushed candy. "The maggots who live off the fermenting sugar excrete a variety of byproducts. Some of these are cannabinoid in nature, which produce euphoric effects. Other byproducts are cytotoxic, and can pose serious threat to life and limb if you don't stop the infection in time," says Lisa. "There's no safe way of snorting candy. While the risk of dying from the act is slim, it's just not worth the risk. Parents need to let their children know that rockets are for eating, not sniffing."

Montreal retailers have never seen anything like it. “Yesterday, hundreds of ravers showed up at my store and bought all my mirrors,” says Home Réno manager Rupert Lachance. “Every last one of them! I had over five hundred mirrors in stock on Saturday. Today, I’m all out.”

Rupert Lachance isn’t the only retailer who has seen a run on mirrors. “Stores across Montreal are being invaded by ravers looking for mirrors,” says crypto-zoologist Henry Clay. “And that’s because ravers are increasingly baffled by the fact that they still exist. They’re buying mirrors because they need to constantly remind themselves that they do, in fact, exist.”

Henry Clay has spent decades studying purportedly mythical creatures. “Ravers have a lot in common with chupacabras and big foots,” says Henry. “No one believes that they’re real. If no one sees a raver, does the raver exist? If a raver were to scream in the middle of a forest, but no one was there to hear him, would he make a sound?”

Happy Hardcore enthusiast Alice Brown has covered her entire apartment in mirrors in an effort to win her existential war. “I have wall to wall mirroring in my flat,” says Alice. “Everywhere I go, people tell me that raving is dead. But I’m a raver, and I exist, so they have to be wrong. Sometimes, though, i’m just overwhelmed by the possibility that they’re right. Maybe raving really is dead, and so am I. Maybe I’m like that ghost played by Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense, the one who’s dead but doesn’t realize it. That’s why i need all these mirrors, they keep me grounded. They remind me that I’m real. I exist. I know I do.”

Marc Duval, who is the head of the Montreal Skeptic’s Society, disagrees. “Ravers aren’t real,” says Marc. “Buying mirrors won't change that.”

Russia has condemned the American government after leaked documents revealed that Arseniy Yatsenyuk, Ukraine’s current Prime Minister, is really Richard Melville Hall, otherwise known as Moby to his fans.

“It was a clever scheme,” says Russian FM Boris Molotauve. “The Americans replaced Arseniy years ago with the CIA trained Moby. The two share an uncanny resemblance, and the Americans used this fact to their advantage.” The trove of documents reveal Moby’s unlikely journey from DJ to political power house.

“The CIA approached Moby about their intentions, promising him a future gilded in gold where he'd spend his days being hand fed only the finest vegan cuisine by a throng of nubile ravers” says Olev Olganoff, a Kremlin spokesperson. “Once they secured his cooperation, they taught him Ukrainian and then schooled him in the ways of spycraft. The results are now plain to see. Moby has succeeded in driving Ukraine to the brink of war in pursuit of American hegemonic interests. I only hope that the international community will do the right thing by condemning this utter mockery of democracy. Moby must be brought to justice, and America must pay a price for its political interference in the affairs of other countries.”

The American government has denied the veracity of the documents. "This is just another attempt by the Kremlin to destabilize Ukraine," says White House spokesman John Smith. "No matter what Russia would like the world to believe, Moby is not and has never been the Prime Minister of Ukraine."

Fast songs are bad for the brain according to a new study released by the Electronic Music Wellness Foundation. "Our research shows that songs with a high BPM, or beats per minute, overload the brain's prefrontal cortex, causing it to atrophy," says Jasmine Wright, a Music Wellness Psychologist.

The prefrontal cortex is the seat of reason in the human brain. "It's the part of the brain that governs our ability to think rationally about things," says Jasmine. "We discovered that when people listen to beat dense music like speedcore, the neurons in this region release so many neurotransmitters in such a short period of time that they shrivel up under the workload. This leads to all sorts of terrible things. Imagine if you tried to eat five pounds of butter in a single sitting. Your body wouldn't be able to handle the stress. That's what's happening to your brain when you listen to fast music."

Party promoter Tony Klint says he's not surprised. "I used to hire a lot of Speedcore DJs for my parties. One of them almost died after biting into an electric cord he mistook for a piece of liquorice," says Tony. "I just thought speedcore attracted stupid people. Now that I know high BPM songs cause stupidity, I'll be more careful of who I hire to play at my parties."

Some people think that's not enough. "Now that we know fast music kills brain cells," says Jasmine, "the government should get involved. We need to protect children from this music. Listening to grindcore poses a greater health threat to our children than crystal meth does. It's a huge problem."

The Canadian Government passed the controversial Men's Right To Love Act on Monday, mandating the creation of a country wide blind dating program for single bachelors. "Men have a universal right to a romantic relationship," says Daryl Faidoran, a Conservative MP who helped craft the historic legislation. "From this day forward, Canadian men are guaranteed a romantic relationship. If a man can't find love on his own, the government will find it for him."

John Glover, president of Incel Canada, called the new law a game changer. "Countless men across Canada are involuntarily celibate," says John. "A vast feminist conspiracy has deprived them of the opportunity to enjoy a healthy, loving relationship. Our organization congratulates the Canadian government for doing the right thing. When it comes to love, there's no such thing as a free market. Romance must be regulated, or hundreds of thousands of men will die of loneliness."

Rufus Gold, a manager at The Leather Trench Coat Emporium, says he's ecstatic at the news. "I've been selling leather trench coats to single men for a very long time," says Mr. Gold. "And this act will definitely help my customers out."

David Banner is also a huge fan of the new law. "I manage several popular Reddit forums, and the Men's Right To Love Act is basically the only way a lot of redditors are ever going to get laid," says David. "The law's impact will go far beyond reddit users, though. There are a lot of men out there who spend all their free time complaining about things over the internet, men who are so bitter and angry that no sane woman would ever want to date them willingly. This law is their only shot at ever finding love."

Donald Cranston is one of Montreal's most notorious party promoters, a man who spends so much time behind bars that he's written a book teaching new felons how to navigate the ins and outs the penal system. "I've been in jail for all sorts of reasons. Burglary, breaking and entering, living off the avails of prostitution, grand theft auto, throwing dogs out of cars, selling cocaine to school children, beating up street mimes, I can go on and on about all the laws I've broken," says Mr. Cranston. "I'm amazed that they keep letting me out of prison."

Last Thursday, Mr. Cranston found himself in the back of a police cruiser for a reason even he finds incredible. "They arrested me for having too much swag," says Mr. Cranston. "Now that was a new one. I didn't even know that was against the law. I'm guilty as charged, though. I'm not going to deny it. The government is full of haters, man."

Having swag wasn't always illegal. "It's only been a crime for the last two months," says Casey Emers, a criminal attorney based in St-Lambert. "I think Donald might be the first person who was charged under Quebec's new Stomping Swag Act, though I doubt he'll be the last."

The law was enacted after police petitioned the government for more tools in their fight against crime. "Honest, decent people don't have swag," says Maude Lachance, secretary general of the Quebec Royal Police. "Criminals do. By targeting people with swag, we're making the streets of Quebec safer for everyone."

Civil Liberty organizations are up in arms over the new law, however. "Swag isn't even a real thing," says Constance Brown, who founded The Quebec Civil Rights League. "By making swag illegal, the Quebec government has basically given the police powers to arrest anyone they want for any reason they want. It's not like police have swag meters that let them know how much swag someone has."

Maude Lachance is adamant that the law was necessary. "The police are enforcing the Stomping Swag Act with the utmost respect for the civil liberties of all real Quebeckers. All of our officers have been trained to recognize swag through a simple two step process: first we measure a person's pigmentation, than we analyze their language profile. This is a fair and judicious process that has been enacted after careful consideration by our elected officials. Quebec is not a dictatorship, and the idea that our politicians would ever undermine the civil liberties and democratic rights of real Quebeckers is insulting."

A firestorm has erupted among medical researchers after several studies upended the long held belief that prenatal crack exposure was an unmitigated disaster for the unborn. "We used to think that expectant mothers who took crack cocaine were placing their unborn children at risk," says Dr. Scott Fidelman. "However, recent research shows that we were dead wrong. Not only is crack harmless to the unborn, the evidence suggests it might even be a kind of wonder drug."

This new research is not without its critics. "It doesn't matter if the studies say that crack is good for you. The fact are the facts, no matter what the research shows," says White House advisor Julie White. "Just because scientists claim that taking crack is good for children, doesn't mean they're right."

Emily Bohner, a researcher at Concordia University, has spent the last fifteen years studying the benefits of crack cocaine. "There was a lot of scare mongering in the eighties and nineties where crack was concerned. Drug warriors wanted everyone to think that it was this powerful poison, that the moment you took crack, your life was over. They were wrong. People like Ms. White are prisoners to the past, and they're standing in the way of scientific progress. Yes, taking too much crack is bad for you, but so it drinking too much water. Dosage makes the difference. Recent studies show that a bit of crack can do a lot of good. Politicians who refuse to accept the facts are causing untold damage to the wellbeing of countless children who would be in much better health if only their mother had been put on a medically supervised crack cocaine regimen."

"Recent studies show that crack can help with everything from arthritis to zygomycosis, a rare fungal infection," says Dr. Fidelman. "Nowhere has the promise of crack been brighter than in prenatal care. Crack is a powerful prenatal supplement. We've found that it promotes healthy brain development, and in many cases, it can even ward against common prenatal illnesses. Children born to crack users have thicker brains, better immune systems, than their crack free counterparts."

Ms. White remains unconvinced. "You know, just because scientists claim that the world revolves around the sun, doesn't mean it's true. Scientists lie. They lied about global warming, they lied about the big bang, and they're lying about crack cocaine being good for you. Don't believe the hype. There's a reason people trust politicians more than scientists."

Alex Wintershot has signed a lucrative contract with Ponzi Productions, making him one of the highest paid DJs in America. "They're paying me a $100,000 per show for pressing play and then bopping my head around," says Wintershot. "Pressing a single button might seem easy, but there's a lot of skill involved. I've spent years building up my wrist strength and finger jabbing skills."

John Jacobs has been coaching Wintershot in the art of pressing play for nearly a decade. "Some DJs mix music, they match beats, they do all sorts of ridiculous things. However, at the end of the day, the only thing that really matters is pressing play, and none of them are as good at that as Wintershot. He's a prodigy. A genius. I've never seen anything like it."

Wintershot says he knows how to press over a dozen different play buttons. "I can press play in VLC, in Winamp, in Itunes, in Quicktime, in Windows Media Player. I can press the play button slowly, I can pound on it, I can tickle it, I can tease it. There's a lot of artistry involved in pressing the play button, a lot of room for creative inspiration. Sometimes, I like to just dangle my finger in the air before I press the play button. That really drives the crowds wild."

Mr. Jacobs believes DJs shouldn't waste their time on non-essentials. "Wintershot is proof that you can succeed as a DJ without learning how to use a mixer." Robert Kahn, a manager at Ponzi Productions, agrees. "Mixing isn't everything, and Wintershot is proof of that," says Kahn. "We expect great things from him. He's going to be a massive star. He's the biggest thing to hit the dance floor since Michael Jackson. You haven't lived until you've seen Wintershot bop his head while jabbing a laptop with his index finger. It's transcendent."

Daisy Lisbett has been following Wintershot's career for the last five years. "He's really grown as an artist," says Daisy. "At first, his shows weren't all that special. But now, watching him press play is almost a religious experience. If you haven't seen him perform, you don't know what you're missing out on."