Montreal’s DJ Vlad Hussein, a fixture of the city’s psytrance scene, was arrested over the weekend after he dropped tens of thousands of spiders on to party goers at Club Pitoune Fatale. “Everyone was running and screaming,” says club owner Andre Bolshevik. “It was horrible. Have you ever choked on a mouthful of hairy little spiders? Well, dozens of people have thanks to that loathsome man.”

The elaborate stunt took weeks of planning according to police, proof that even serial drug abusers are capable of accomplishing incredibly things when they put their minds to it. “Mr. Hussein built a dozen small computerized spider catapults,” says Lt. Louis Kent of the SPVM. “Each catapult was loaded with a box of spiders. The triggering mechanism, which he designed and programmed himself, was connected to the internet via the club’s wi-fi connection. Finally, the catapults were attached on to the lighting fixtures in the club. These weren’t massive catapults, they were small enough to fit on top of a lighting rig.”

DJ Vlad’s friends weren’t surprised by his arrest. “The guy’s a genius,” says childhood friend Velma Louise, “but he’s the kind of genius that’s stupid enough to waste his talent on bullshit like spider catapults. Sure, he could be making the world a better place. He could be figuring out new and innovative ways to help people. Instead, he builds a dozen remote controlled spider catapults and traumatizes hundreds of strangers. There’s a special kind of stupidity that only smart people are capable of possessing, and Vlad’s got it in spades. He’s the dumbest smart person you’ll ever meet.”

Mr. Bolshevik doesn’t know why his club was targeted by DJ Vlad. “I don’t know. We hired him a couple of times. He seemed like a nice enough guy. He was strange in the way that people who love psytrance are strange, but relatively harmless. More Shaggy Rogers than Lord Voldemort. Weird, but not scary. But I guess there was a seriously dark current running through his brain, and my customers paid the price for it.”

DJ Vlad, for his part, refuses to say why he launched his spider attack, though he did ramble on like a lunatic when asked. “Spiders, spiders, spiders! Everywhere! In your hair! On your chair! In your bed! In your head! Spiders in your mouth, and in your nose, spiders on your face and on your toes, ” says DJ Vlad. “Spiders falling from the sky. Spiders, spiders, spiders.”

A new study released by the Montreal Institute for Important Discoveries has shown that ravers are overwhelmingly more religious than non-ravers. “Seventy five percent of ravers claim to believe in a higher power,” says lead researcher Cyndi Lauper. “That’s compared to just thirty five percent for non-ravers. This suggests that there’s a great deal of spiritual hunger among ravers that could be tapped into by religious authorities across America. I think if there’s ever going to be a religious revival movement, the EDM scene will be the ones who lead the way.”

DJ Khaled Le Red agrees. “There’s a reason I start all my DJ sets with the lords prayer,” says Khaled, “and that’s because I know my audience is thirsty for Jesus. When I first started leading the crowds in prayer, people thought I was crazy, but now you can’t go to a party in Montreal without seeing people in the corner, kneeling before God. Ravers are the children of the lord, and they go to parties in order to transcend the prisons of the flesh. The act of dancing is really a sacred act, it’s the embodiment of religious sacrifice, of giving yourself over to something than yourself. That’s something I think a lot of ravers understand. I helped give a voice to the religious itch that underpins so much raving, and now that voice is booming across America. God is great, and raving is a way to honour that greatness.”

Hillary Winston, a 21 year old raver from Mascouche, says raving helped her find religion. “At first I turned to drugs, and then I turned to sex, but it wasn’t until I heard Khaled talk about the spiritual nature of raving that I felt my heart open up. I don’t know if I agree with his brand of Christianity, but I absolutely believe that raving is at it’s best when we recognize that we’re dancing in order to find a deeper connection to the world. We’re looking to discover our place in the Universe. Raving has a dark side, that side where we try to escape ourselves, to forget our pain and misery. I think a lot of people are turning away from the dark side. They no longer see raving as an act of escape, instead it’s become an act of spiritual revival, an act of communion with the world beyond our fleshy little cages. It’s incredible, because once you see raving as a way to transcend yourself, you no longer feel like escaping yourself. It’s the difference between finding meaning and losing hope. Today’s ravers are finding meaning, while ravers twenty years ago just wanted to get high, get laid, and get lost.”

Police arrested 23 year old McGill student Henry Gibbins this week after he was caught having sex with a garbage can on the corner of St-Catherine and Bleury. “His pants were around his ankle and his hips were violently thrusting the metal garbage bin,” says Lt. Casey Jones of the SPVM. “If you’ve never seen a men’s erect penis smash up against a garbage can, you should count yourself lucky. That’s an image that the people who witnessed this man’s intoxicated fortification will never scrub from their minds. When they go to bed late at night, their memories will sometime’s drift back to that sight.”

Witnesses agree. One of them, Laura Thibodault, says she now has PTSD as a result of the experience. “Everywhere I go, I’m reminded by what I saw last week,” says Laura. “When I eat breakfast, all I can think about is a man having sex with a garbage can. When I’m out walking my dog, I’m always terrified that I might bump into someone with their pants around their ankles, and their penis flapping in the air in search of a recycling bin or a mailbox or some other large metal object. My therapist put me on antidepressants to help deal with the trauma. I’ll never be the same.”

Henry, for his part, doesn’t see what the big deal is. “Sometimes, when I’m high on LSD, I fall in love with the world around me and just want to have sex with it,” says Henry. “Last week, I saw a really sexy garbage can that was just begging for the D, so I flirted with it and it told me how much it wanted my manhood inside of it, and I was happy to oblige. The people who freaked out are just bigots who don’t want to see people having sex with garbage cans. They discriminate against the inanimate. The fact that this kind of sexual intolerance still exists in our society really says something about how degenerate we are as a species.”

The Montreal Coalition Against Poverty, an organization founded by party promoters in 1998 with the goal of bringing techno music to the homeless, is launching a new initiative on November 21st that’s sure to get tongues wagging across Canada. “We’re going to fight poverty by throwing money free parties,” says MCAP’s current president Noel Goodleson. “Instead of paying with cash to attend our events, we want people to pay us in pogs. Once our society embraces pogs instead of money, we will usher in a post-capitalist world where we are all homeless but have plentiful access to techno music. It’ll be raver heaven.”

Drug addled pog enthusiast John Gruber agrees. “When i’m not sleeping in an alleyway, I’m slamming pogs on park benches with my fellow hobos. When you get right down to it, most homeless people have lots of pogs, but we don’t have lots of money, so this Pogs-Not-Gold MCAP initiative is going to make a real difference in our quality of living. It’s time all the rich fats cats realize that pogs are just as valid a current as fiat money printed by a central bank whose legitimacy rests upon the slovenly disinterest of the masses. If the people wake up and say ‘no, you’re money is worthless,’ than bang, it becomes worthless. At the end of day, the only thing that gives money value its value is the trust people put in it. If we no longer trust the currency, than it collapses. It’ll be glorious when the proles rise up and start treating pogs with more respect than cash. I hope this initiative takes off, if only for the spectacle of it all.”

Pog makers, for their part, are seeing a huge boom in business. “MCAP isn’t the first organization that’s called for a pog-based economy,” says POG & PLUNDER Industries, the largest maker of pogs in the state of Vermont. “In fact, it’s a little known fact, but the U.S Government already pays it’s soldiers in pogs. Google it if you don’t believe me. It’s true. White nationalists like to believe that America is controlled by ZOG, but the truth is, it’s really controlled by pog.”

Ravers in Montreal are looking forward to a future dominated by pogs. “Man, I loved those milk cap toys when I was a kid in the 90s,” says DJ Hipster Tits, “so i’m down with the idea of replacing money with pogs. I mean, once hyperinflation hits and our dollars are worth pennies, what will we do with our cash? At least pogs double as toys.”

Theodore Logan, a 22 year old plumber from Valleyfield, died late Monday evening after trying to get drunk on vanilla extract. “He choked on his own vomit,” says best friend Leelee Lemon, “it’s a really tragic way to go. He didn’t die fighting ISIS in Rojava, he didn’t die saving a child from a burning house, he didn’t die valiantly or bravely. He died because he was desperate for alcohol, so he chugged down bottle of vanilla extract. He found the taste so disgusting that he puked, and then he choked on his own puke. I loved the guy, but damn was he was stupid.”

Theodore was not the first man to die a vanilla extract related death. “Vanilla extract is 35% alcohol,” says vanillologist and white supremacist Chet Gaswell. “That’s enough to get you drunk. And a lot of working class caucasians are willing to try their luck on a cheap buzz. It never ends up. I have to emphasize the racial dimension of vanilla extract related mortalities. Death by vanilla extract is an overwhelmingly white person phenomenon, for every black person who is dumb enough to drink vanilla extract, you’ve got at least twenty honkies doing the same thing. It’s a tragedy of epic scale that the biased mainstream media refuses to cover. They don’t want to talk about how white people are dying, every day, because of vanilla extract. That’s not a coincidence, it’s all part of the western elite’s plan to murder the white race. Vanilla extract is white genocide in a tiny little bottle.”

Genocidal maniac Charles Clampton agrees. “As an expert in murder and mayhem, I attest to everything that Chet Gaswell says. Not only that, but my investigations reveal that vanilla extract isn’t made of vanilla beans, as commonly believed, but by the grounded up remains of white people who have been abducted and murdered by a shadowy militant organization known as Kill Whitey. As a ruthless killer myself, I respect the work they do. That said, I believe that people should know the truth. When you use vanilla extract to make cookies, you’re really eating dead white people.”

Leelee Lemon isn’t so sure. “I don’t think there’s an epidemic of vanilla extract related deaths, nor do i think vanilla extract is made up of dead white people,” says Leelee. “I do, however, think that Theodore was an idiot, and now other idiots are capitalizing on his death by spreading crazy conspiracy theories.”

The United Nations has declared a new era of global harmony after Tumblr users solved racism. “Thanks to the effort of affluent upper class Tumblr users, the world has now entered a period of racial harmony built on a foundation of social justice” says Ban Ki Moon, current president of the U.N. “For years, Tumblr users, who are overwhelmingly affluent members of the middle and upper class, have valiantly fought against inequality by engaging in online histrionics, insulting their opponents, and acting like spoiled brats. Little did we know, but this behaviour was the absolute key to solving humanity’s long standing issues. Racism has been cured, and we have Tumblr to thank for it.”

Tumblr users say it’s about time the world fell in line with their politics. “Nothing defeats social injustice as readily as demonizing whites, insulting men, and laughing at cis-gendered people,” says radical feminist Lisa Moore. “Like most Tumblr users, I come from a wealthy background. My father’s a lawyer, I study at Yale, and I access Tumblr on my macbook pro, which I got as a christmas present. As a Tumblr user, I learned early on that wealth and class are unimportant issues that need to be minimized and marginalized. Only rich people with university degrees are capable of fighting real social injustice: things like wearing the wrong kind of halloween costume or enjoying problematic pop culture products. That’s the real heart of racism and inequality in our society.”

Lisa says that Tumblr’s social justice community’s decision to shift attention away from class toward’s issues of diversity in pop culture products produced by giant billion dollar corporations was the key to solving racism. “As an affluent progressive from Yale, I can clearly state that there is no link between class issues and race issues. The only way to tackle racism is by ignoring class. This is especially important when it comes to poor white people, who don’t matter and don’t count. There was a recent study released by researchers at Stanford that shows that poor whites in Detroit have lived more stressful lives than poor blacks in Detroit as measured by their cellular scars. This study suggests that race and class intersect in ways that are determined by local circumstances, and so we should look at the experiences of power and privileged on a case by case basis since the distribution of power isn’t uniform. As a tumblr user, I can say for certain that this study is bullshit. The fact is, power and privilege aren’t experienced locally, they’re experienced non-locally in ways that are determined by affluent university graduates who’ve read a few books by Bell Hooks and Ta Nehesi Coates.”

Lisa goes on to explain that racism, as a social force, is a social construct that can be redesigned by a powerful new social elite. “The way it works is like this: we know that race is a social construct, and that means so is racism, so the key to abolishing racism is to empower people who want to create a new social construct. Who better to obey than affluent Tumblr users with degrees in cultural studies from ivy league Universities? It’s so obvious, i’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner. Anyways, now that rich kids from Tumblr have redefined racism to mean whatever we want it to mean, the world has become a paradise where everyone is treated equally, except white people, straight people, and cis-gendered people. Fuck those pieces of shit with a giant rusty nail. Yale forever! Harvard forever! Long live the academic elite and their moral superiority! Down with the working class!”

Canada’s Liberal Party is doubling down on radical social liberalism with it’s new State Funded Brothels initiative. This new initiative comes on the heel’s of last weeks Pokemon Identity Act, a controversial bill that will make it legal for teenagers under 18 to buy alcohol so long as their pokemon collection is impressive enough. The Pokemon Identity Act raised alarm among Canada’s dwindling population of social conservatives, who are now recoiling in horror at Trudeau’s latest effort to turn Canada into a decadent mess of drugs, sex, and rock and roll.

“First they abolish the drinking age, and now they’re opening up brothels in our suburbs! What’s next, are they going to mandate gay sex? Are they going to force all the men to dress up as women? The Trudeau Liberals are out control!” says angry old man Heinz Levieux. “I spend all my free time complaining about the liberals on Facebook, and now thanks to the state funded brothels initiative, I’m going to have even more things to complain about! Whores belong downtown, with all the dirty hipsters. Leave us suburbanites alone!”

The countries sex workers are thrilled at the possibility of state subsidized brothels opening up across the land. “Now that the government is getting directly involved in the regulation and sale of sex, sex workers will be much safer,” says escort Lucy Ling. “We’ll be unionized, we’ll have access to the full protection of the law, and we’ll be better positioned to ensure that sex workers in Canada are here by choice. As long as sex work exists in a grey legal zone it will be home to predators who exploit vulnerable women. Some radical sex negative feminists want to abolish sex work, and they’re just as misguided as the social conservatives who share their hatred of us. In the end, sex has always been commodified and will always be commodified, and it’s up to all of us to accept this and to find ways to make the sale of sex safe for everyone involved. Human beings are imperfect. We are never going to eliminate crime, we’ll never eliminate gambling, we’ll never eliminate prostitution. What we need to do is find ways to handle vices to maximize safety and minimize violence. When we stick our heads in the sand by believing that human vices can be eradicated with sufficient government engineering, we end up creating hostile environments for sex workers that put them at risk.”

John Wilkes, Canada’s Minister of Prostitution and Cocaine, grees. “Not only is subsidizing brothels good for sex workers, it’s good for Canada, it’s good for the economy, and it’s good for all the lonely politicians out there who have frigid wives. Lord know’s I’d rather be ploughing a couple of whores than going back home to my wife, who I haven’t had sex with in over five months.”

Friends of Garth Beaner, a 38 year old man who is still obsessed with a party he went to all the way back in 1999, are asking the public to attend an intervention they’re throwing for him. “Garth is nearly a middle aged man at this point,” says long time friend Lisa Bunkersnutch, “and yet he still can’t shut up about a party he went to nearly two decades ago. It’s like time froze still for him, and so we’re asking the public to help us bring him back to the present. He needs to let go of the past.”

Garth thinks his friends are overreacting. “I’m not obsessed with Natura 1999, the best rave that was ever thrown in the history of mankind,” says Garth. “Sure, I love that party. Yes, i’ve got a little shrine in my living room dedicated to it. When I wake up in the morning, I say a little prayer to Natura. That doesn’t mean I’m obsessed. It’s just that, once you’ve been to the best party the world has ever seen, it’s important to honour it’s memory. There’s never going to be another party like it. It’s gone. Forever. So I’ve taken it upon myself to hold it’s memory alive by talking about it constantly to everyone I meet. That doesn’t make me obsessed, it just means I believe in something, and that something is a rave I went to when I was eighteen.”

Acquaintanes of Garth claim that he truly is incapable of shutting up about Natura. “Oh god, it’s the only thing he ever talks about,” says his co-worker Nancy Grace. “The moment he opens up his mouth, all he ever talks about is that goddamn party. He peaked when he was 18. Now he can’t move on. It’s always Natura this and Natura that. I hope his friends succeed in getting him to shut up about that damn party, otherwise i’m going to shove an ice pick in his eye and throw him off a cliff, and then once he hits the ground, I’m going to pour gasoline all over his corpse and set him on fire and roast little heart shaped marshmallow over him. Does that obsessive? Yeah, well, if you had to listen to your co-worker yammer on about a shitty rave from twenty years ago day in and day out, you’d get obsessed with ending his obsession too. Gah. I need a beer.”

Garth refuses to accept that his actions are abnormal. “People talk about the things they care about. For some people, that’s their kids, or their activism, or their favourite tv show. For me, it’s Natura 1999, the party where I experienced psytrance perfection. I’ll never shut up about perfection. No one who’s ever experienced it would. Being at Natura was like being in the presence of God.”

Eric Cartier, a 43 year old dentist from Pierrefonds, has divorced his wife and abandoned his children in order to pursue his life long ambition of becoming a rave promoter. “There’s no greater feeling in life than throwing an amazing party for a bunch of drug addled twenty something hipsters,” says Eric. “I’d rather help young people dance their ass off than raise my children or be a good husband. Being a family man is boring, but being the heart and soul of a dance party is never dull.”

Eric says he woke up one day, saw his wife’s face, and realize he hated her on a deep and primal level. “I just couldn’t bring myself to spend another damn minute with her. I was tired of being trapped in a suburban house, living a suburban life, drowning in suburban anxiety. It all felt so meaningless, so utterly unimportant. Instead, I remembered how much fun I used to have when I was 19 years old and high on MDMA, running away from the police after they stormed an illegal warehouse party. I actually enjoyed those fleeting moments of debauchery more than the years I spent raising my kids. How sad is that? The things society tell us we need to do to be happy actually made me miserable. That’s why I decided to become a rave promoter. I’m going back to the past, and I’m letting society know I won’t live by it’s rules anymore. I’m going to throw awesome parties, have sex with 18 year old girls, and do a shit ton of cocaine. That’s how I want to spend my life, and if that makes me a bad person, than so be it!”

Lisa Cartier, Eric’s wife, is devastated by his transformation. “I thought we had a happy life, but I guess I was wrong,” says Lisa. “I just hope no one makes my mistake -- never marry a raver, because they’ll never grow out of their desire to party. It’ll always be there, buried in the back of their brain, just waiting to escape. Ravers are physically and emotionally incapable of settling down. Sooner or later, they’ll go back to their old ways, and they’ll leave a trail of broken hearts in their wake.”

Next August, clubs across Montreal will begin accepting pokemon cards in place of ID, thanks to the Liberal party’s Pokemon Identity Act. Even though he’s barely been in office for more than a week, Prime Minister Trudeau has been on a warpath, quickly implementing policies that he hopes will resonate with teenagers and young adults. “At the end of the day, we just felt that young people would appreciate a new approach to how we deal with alcohol in our society,” says Helen Miroy, Canada’s Minister of Public Intoxication. “The fact is, ID cards are very dehumanizing. Instead of treating teenagers on a case by case basis, we simply assume that they’re all incapable of handling their liquor. That’s obviously not true. With the Pokemon Identity Act, teenagers will have the opportunity to prove their alcoholic worthiness by showing bouncers their pokemon card collection. If the bouncers are impressed, the teenagers will have permission to get drunk.”

Helen says that this new approach is more democratic and should be popular with both club owners, teenagers, and their communities. “We don’t believe that the government should be imposing blanket limits on alcohol consumption from the top down,” says Helen. “We live in a free society, and in a free society communities need to be empowered so that they can establish their own boundaries. It’s not up to Ottawa to tell people what’s acceptable and what isn’t acceptable. Pokemon cards are useful tools in creating boundaries of acceptability. Our act doesn’t dictate which pokemon cards are impressive, that’s up to the community. We’re letting people at the grassroots determine which pokemon cards teenagers should own before they’re allowed to get drunk. This idea is a bit outlandish, but the Trudeau Liberals believe in thinking outside the box.”

Teenagers say that they look forward to the Pokemon Identity Act going into law. “Man, if the only thing I need to do to get drunk on liquor is buy a couple of pokemon cards off Ebay, I’m all for it,” says 16 year old high school drop out Tracy Lynn. “I love Justin Trudea, I love pokemon, and I love beer! Canada’s fucking awesome!”

Toronto’s controversial family therapy Marissa Mayner is known to court controversy, and her latest stunt is sure to boost her public profile. This weekend, she launched The Family LSD Initiative, a non-profit dedicated to legalizing LSD, which she says is a wonder drug that possesses incredible therapeutic powers. “A little bit of LSD can a whole lot of difference in the quality of your family relationships,” says Marissa. “Dysfunctional families can become whole again by taking LSD together. This might sound crazy, but the science is sound. Studies from around the world show that LSD is a game changer when it comes to therapy. It can be used to break old habits and to create the mental flexibility required to adopt new ways of being and relating. The current prohibition on LSD is sentencing tens of thousands of family to pain and misery, misery that could be lifted with just a bit of acid.”

Social conservatives disagree. “Drugs are bad, mmmkay,” says Chester Wingnut, the founder of Adults Against Scientific Immorality, a non-profit dedicated to saving souls from the corruptions of science. “I don’t care if studies show that LSD can be used therapeutically. Just because something is good for you doesn’t mean it isn’t immoral, and LSD is definitely immoral. Anyone who takes it is a bad human being who deserves to ostracized, imprisoned, and physically and emotionally ruined. We, as a society, need to stand up against scientific progress that challenges the moral foundations of our communities. Drugs are bad, period.”

Government politicians share Chester’s opinions. “Sure, if we legalized LSD and made it possible for therapist to use it in their practices, it would help a lot of people,” says Liberal candidate Godfrey Willtowers, “but just because drugs can help people doesn’t mean we should legalize them. Canada’s drug policy was largely shaped by our American neighbours to the south, and we can’t just go and change those policies just because scientists say we should. If we do that, we’ll upset America’s massively corrupt drug policing apparatus that depends on the complete and total obedience of it’s vassal states. People think that we’re an independent country, but we’re not. Canada can’t go passing laws that will upset the American’s. We can disagree over small things, but we can’t disagree over big things like the war on drugs. Our freedom is limited by American power, and Canadians need to learn to accept that.”

Chester says he’s glad that corrupt American drug warriors hold so much power over Canadian policy. “I’m really happy that Canada’s a vassal state that’s incapable of setting it’s own policies and agendas without first asking for American permissions,” says Chester. “America helps keep Canada moral, and that’s a good thing. All hail our American overlords, protectors of Canadian morality!”

Marissa remains committed to challenging Canada’s drug laws. “We need to step out of America’s shadow and forge our own path,” says Marissa. “It’s time for Canada to declare independence from American drug policy. It’s time for us to stand up for truth, science, and the Canadian way.”

The Liberal Party of Canada says it will replace the national anthem with a track by Deadmau5 within the next three years. “Canada is a hip and progressive country,” says George Watson, the Minister of EDM, “and that’s why we need to modernize the country by embracing modern music. Forget the dreariness of the old anthem. We need to replace it with something new, something young, something that the kids will like. Canada belongs to the youth, and it’s time we recognize that fact.”

Deadmau5 has been tapped to craft a new anthem for the Country, though Mr. Watson says that work on the song will only begin once consultations with the public are conducted across the country. “Look, the old anthem was forced on to the public from the top down. The new anthem will be a collaborative effort that will draw on the experiences and tastes of Canadians across the country. It will represent Canada from west to east, from south to north, from the country side to the urban core. Music is an integral part of the human experience, so it’s important for us to create a new anthem that captures Canada in all it’s modern complexities.”

Mr. Watson also says that this song will seek to incorporate the multicultural nature of Canadian society without appropriating the disparate identities of Canadian minorities. “Canada is a glorious country of immigrants, and it’s important for us to embrace those differences without dispossessing people of their cultural heritage. It’s a tricky balance that we need to walk, which is why we’re asking Tumblr users and liberal art graduates to take a leading role in managing the creation of a truly post-colonial, multicultural Canadian anthem. I’m sure that they possess the emotional intelligence and maturity necessary to create a song that represents all Canadians -- and that song will ultimately be given shape and form by Canada’s very own Deadmau5.“