The last five years have seen a surge in the number of people who choose to piss their pants at parties, according to a new survey published by the Institute for Obscure Facts. “The last time we asked this question was in a survey we released in 2007,” says lead researcher Matt Bowels. “Back then, only 5% of respondents admitted to having pissed themselves at an event. Now the number is 20%.”

If the numbers are to be believed, one out of five party-goers has at some point in the last five years, pissed their pants while at a party. “We don’t know why so many people are pissing themselves, but we have a few theories,” says Mr. Bowels. “We believe that the 2008 recession initiated a cultural shift in the way people experience the present moment. People are much less willing to sacrifice the pleasures of the present moment since they no longer have faith in the future. They’re holding on to their urine in order to hold on to the moment. In 2007, going to the washroom wasn’t a big deal, but in 2014, it might mean missing out on the best part of your favourite DJs set. It might mean that you never meet the girl of your dream who was just about to bump into you on the dance floor. People think that pissing just isn’t worth the cost of lost opportunities. That’s why, we believe, people are deciding to hold it in.”

The fact that people are increasingly refusing to go to the washroom hasn’t been lost on party promoters. “We’ve started selling adult diapers at our parties,” says event organizer Rouge Piper. “We make more money selling ravers diapers than drug dealers make selling them cocaine. In 1999, ravers loved pacifiers. These days, they love diapers. You’re not getting the full rave experience unless you’re wearing one.”

Being hit on by unwanted creeps at clubs will soon be a thing of the past thanks to a Montreal inventor’s almost magical creation. “I’ve developed a sophisticated system that can analyze social interactions,” says Nathan Mignon, “I call it ZoneDefense. The system uses a series of cameras to capture three dimensional information about the way people relate to each other in real time. ZoneDefense records things like pupil dilation, facial muscle movement, breathing rhythm, and a variety of other cues, which it then studies to determine if people are getting along or not. It’s a hyper intelligent software package, and right now, even though the product is still in alpha, our test runs have been highly successful.”

John Lambert, the owner of Club Domme, one of Montreal’s most popular venues, has been very impressed with ZoneDefense. “We’ve had it set up at our club for the last two weeks, and it’s incredible how much those cameras can tell about people,” says John. “Right now, the system informs our bouncers about potential problems before they even happen by alerting them via Google Glass. It’s only been fourteen days, but ZoneDefense has already helped us stop at least two major incidents.”

Nathan says that future iterations of ZoneDefense will make clubbing a much safer experience. “I created this software because of all the horror stories my female friends have told me about men who don’t understand boundaries,” says Nathan. “A lot of men engage in criminal behaviour at clubs. They do things there that would get them arrested if they did them at a supermarket. It’s not like personal boundaries and criminal law go out the window just because you’ve had a couple of drinks and there’s a DJ playing shitty music in the background. Since men refuse to control their own behaviour, I decided to create a system that can control it for them. ZoneDefense can link up to several hundred remote controlled electronic bracelets. Imagine going to a club where everyone is equipped with a shocker bracelet, and if a man aggressively hits on a woman despite being given clear indication to go away, he’s immediately electrocuted. Thanks to ZoneDefense, that’s possible now.”

Nathan says he’s been fielding calls from law makers across the world. “I expect to see ZoneDefense, or a technology like it, become a mandatory fixture of nightlife around the world,” says Nathan. “Soon, clubs will be legally obligated to install ZoneDefense the same way they have to install fire alarms.”

Montreal’s party scene was dealt a terrible blow last week after veteran EDM promoter Eddie Labedaine’s lifeless body was found in his Plateau apartment. “I hadn’t heard from him in over a week,” says long time lover Naomi Trump, “so I knew something was wrong. We text every other day, so when his messages stop coming, I got very concerned. I convinced his landlord to open the door of his apartment for me, and that’s when we discovered him.”

Eddie’s body was face down in a plate of poutine. “He loved poutine,” says Naomi. “He ate it every day. Sometimes he’d eat poutine twice a day. He was always trying out new types from different restaurants. It was his second biggest passion after house music. His dream was to open up a club that served poutine along with a side order of phat beats.”

Police believe that Eddie died from botulism after eating a batch of rancid poutine. “We’re not sure if Mr. Labedaine was deliberately poisoned,” says Sgt. Morgan. “The case is still ongoing. We are currently not at liberty to discuss the details of this unfortunate, as we have yet to rule out foul play.”

Many ravers are convinced that he was murdered. “No one dies from eating poutine,” says professional beat inspector John Godwin. “No one. It’s never happened before. Someone poisoned him. Whoever stole Eddie from us needs to be caught and punished.”

Poutine makers across the city will be holding a weeklong vigil in honour of one of their most lucrative customers. “Every poutine restaurant in Montreal will be serving up a dish in honour of Eddie Labedaine,” says Noah Pardieux, who owns the famous La Marquise restaurant. “Eddie might have died, but his love of poutine will live on.”

Police have once again arrested Jason Colliere for showing off his gaping anus to random strangers. “We received complaints from members of the public that a naked man was wandering around Angel Park mooning people,” says Sgt. Morgan. “After apprehending the suspect, we realized that he had been arrested for the same offence in four other provinces.”

The incident happened by Angel Park’s gazebo, where ravers congregate every sunday to dance in public. “We were just minding our business, dancing to some EDM,” says witness Jessica Lansbury,”when this old weirdo took off his shirt and his fun fur pants, then bent over right in front of us and stretched out his anus. It was a real life public goatse moment.”

Police say that Mr. Colliere then proceeded to walk up to every raver at the outdoor event, asking them if they’d like to see his anus. “Apparently, showing strangers his anus in public is a hobby of his,” says Sgt. Morgan. “He likes to see how long it takes before someone punches him in the face.”

In this case, it took nearly two hours before someone got the nerve to physically assault the public menace, after which the police finally arrived. “I think it says a lot about human nature that a man can show off his stretched, gaping anus to a bunch of strangers in public, and most people will just let it slide,” says psytrance DJ Buzzworthington. “You read all these news stories about how horrible human beings are, but for the most part, people are pretty cool. If you can do something as obnoxious as shove your asshole into people’s faces, and they won’t even complain about it, that just goes to show that most of us aren’t hostile or violent. We're a peace loving species. I mean, it’s kind of gross that I had to see some strange man’s anus in order to learn this lesson, but i’m glad it happened. I have so much more faith in people now.”

When we reached out to Mr. Colliere, he said that he uses extreme public nudity to teach people about mankind’s innate peacefulness . “I want to teach people that human beings are inherently decent and non-violent,” says Mr. Colliere. “And one of the easiest ways of doing that is by being obnoxious in public. The fact that I can run around for two hours showing off my gaping anus to total strangers is proof that people would rather tolerate off-putting behaviour than put an end to it through coercive, violent means. I must have shown my asshole to two hundred people, and only one of them punched me in the face. People are overwhelmingly peaceful. My anus antics prove that beyond a shadow of a doubt.”

Police have asked Mr. Colliere to stop his public indecency campaign. “He’s out on bail at the moment,” says Sgt. Morgan. “We’re hoping he’ll keep his anus to himself from now on.”

Ravers Going Their Own Way is the latest social movement you've never heard about. “Thousands of ravers across North America are organizing secessionist groups,” says terrorist expert Joyce Manley. “These ravers have drawn inspiration from the men’s rights movement, whose adherents believe that caucasian males are the most oppressed minority the world has ever seen, victims of a ruthless feminist cabal hellbent on killing all white men. Men’s rights activist argue that the only way for white men to survive is by divorcing themselves from the rest of society. They want to go their own way, and hope to create a world that is explicitly dominated by straight white men, idea which appeals to a lot of ravers."

Seth Gooding is the leader of Party Brigade, a white male secessionist raver organization. “We're fed up with being targeted by the rest of society,” says Seth. “We just want to create a world where it’s safe to be a straight white male. As heterosexual caucasian males, we feel oppressed whenever we go to a party. We don't think it’s possible for white straight men to rave in peace anymore. We're fed up with having our rights trampled by feminists and people of colour. We're not going to take it lying down anymore. If the government won't protect us, we'll protect ourselves."

Forceful rhetoric like that has won the Party Brigade countless fans and enemies. “The fact that the raver secessionist movement was born out of the men’s rights movement says a lot,” says Mike Gardio, a retired lawyer who now volunteers with countless civil right groups. “The men’s rights movement has deep ties to far-right organizations across the world, and many of its political ideas are identical to positions advocated by European white supremacist political parties. Unfortunately, a lot of young men in North America have bought into the men’s rights movements, so it’s not surprising that some young male ravers are also becoming radicalized.”

Seth Gooding says he’s not a bigot. “ I might be a men’s rights activist, but I'm also a raver’s rights activist. Both causes are one and the same. Feminists oppress men and ravers alike, and ravers must secede from society if they ever hope to live free and independent lives.”

Joyce Manley warns against increasing radicalization among ravers. “I think you're going to see a lot of white power raves in the years ahead,” says Joyce. “Now that racist male chauvinists have infiltrated the rave scene, nazistep, which mixes dubstep with racist & misogynistic lyrics, will probably become the most popular genre of EDM.”

Dale Alexander is a self-help guru with a unique take on getting rich. “You need to party all night, every night,” says Dale. “That’s the key to making real money, real fast. I know it sounds crazy, but the research doesn't lie. If you want to make money, you need to shake your ass on the dance floor regularly. Preferably while drunk. Being stoned out of your mind also helps.”

Scientists agree. “Yes, it’s true, partygoers make far more money than their boring counterparts,” says Melissa Goering, a researcher with the Montreal Urban Renewal Institute. “We’re not exactly sure why that it is yet, but the evidence is overwhelming. People who party every night from dusk until dawn have salaries that are 65% higher on average than people who prefer living healthy, well adjusted lives.”

Another scientist, Graham Willis, recently wrapped up a study of his own that shows that the link between partying and being rich isn’t correlational. “It’s causal,” says Graham. “We put a dozen lonely computer nerds on a strict cocaine & clubbing regimen, and within two months, they were all making 15% more money. We call it the Rob Ford effect. We don’t know why it works, but we do know that it does, in fact work. The more wasted you get, the more successful you become. The lesson is simple: if you want to succeed in life, drop out of school and spend all your time partying. Our hope is that, with continued research, we'll be able to find out why partying is such a lucrative activity.”

Dale Alexander is happy that the science is finally catching up with his life work. “I've been travelling around the world for nearly two decades teaching people how to get rich quick by partying all the time,” says Jason. “I was an object of scorn and ridicule for the better part of 15 years. It didn't matter how many people I helped. I’ve turned around thousands of lives, yet the doubters kept heckling me. I feel incredibly vindicated right now.”

The city of Montreal is considering banning raves outright after receiving thousands of complaints from citizens about the lewd behaviour of partygoers. “Ravers are constantly masturbating everywhere,” says Asad Saleh, a safety inspector for the city of Montreal. “It’s one thing to throw an illegal party on city property, it’s another to cover every single inch of that property with your semen. It’s disgusting. Ravers masturbate too much and it has to stop.”

Citizens across the city are fed up. “I don't know when masturbating on public property became a thing for ravers,” says flower shop owner Kimberly Desjardins, “but it’s disgusting. I was waiting for the bus yesterday when I realized the park bench I was sitting on was coated in sperm. Who the hell does that?”

"Ravers, that's who," says Asad. "Park benches aren't the only thing being covered with sperm. It’s everywhere. We've had reports of semen covered door handles, pay phones, parking meters, bus seats. You name a city object, and we'll have a complaint about it being covered in raver fluids.”

Masturbating on public property is only the most recent trend in absurd raver behaviour. “Ravers are always trying to out-crazy each other,” says party promoter Noah Biddles. “Masturbating on things is just the latest way for young people to feel cool. A couple years back, they played the knockout game, which involved sucker punching strangers. And before that, they played Robbing Grandma, which involved mugging the elderly. Now they're jerking off in public. Next year, it'll be something else.”

Melissa Goering, a researcher with the Montreal Urban Renewal Institute, agrees. “Young people feel a compulsive need to test society’s boundaries,” says Melissa. “It’s how they determine their own place in the world. I don't think the masturbation fad will last that long. It’ll be replaced by something equally stupid in a year or two.”