Toronto’s Comrade Stomp, the infamous Marxist dance club, has closed its doors after the collective that ran the place exploded into an orgy of in-fighting. “We couldn’t see eye-to-eye on how to best manage a communist space while simultaneously navigating capitalist restraints,” says Tracy Vanderbilt, an otherkin activist who volunteered at the club. “The proletariat who worked on the floor kept butting their heads against the intellectual vanguard that kept our books, managed our supply chains, and organized our event nights. Blue collar and white collar communists found themselves gripped in a struggle to the death.”

The proles on the dance floor claimed that Marxist bureaucrats were mismanaging funds and had no idea how to keep the bar stocked. “We kept running out of alcohol,” says former bartender Jezebel Jazowka. “You wouldn’t believe the line-ups at the bar. I mean, you had people who were waiting for a drink for hours and hours and they would walk away empty handed, with no liquids to put in their bellies. It was really depressing.”

Marxist intellectual Bougie Aristos, who has a Ph.D from Oxford University, says that the club would have been just fine if the workers hadn’t engaged in reactionary activities. “The intellectual vanguard had everything under control, but the proles at Comrade Stomp were unwilling to adhere to the dictates of historical materialism as determined by their intellectual betters. They engaged in frequent subversive activities that undermined the long-term viability of our alcohol supply chain. They did not possess sufficient class consciousness, and their false consciousness poisoned the activities of our club, forcing it to shut down. This just goes to show you, the only way for communism to work is if we eliminate the working class and replace it entirely with big brained intellectuals.”

Vancouver’s DJ Quizlabia isn’t just making waves with her unique take on Future Bass, she’s also earning a cult following thanks to her used tampon business. “She’s the queen of the red rag,” says fetish enthusiast Carlos Carmesi. “No one in the soiled garment kink scene has approached the subject with her artistry or craft. She’s not only selling her used tampons, she’s transforming them into pieces of art that you can’t help but find captivating.”

Even mainstream art connoisseurs are taking notice of her blood soaked art. “Normally, I don’t like buying people’s used tampons,” says art gallery owner Dolan Rutherford. “However, DJ Quizlabia isn’t selling mere tampons, she’s selling beautiful embodiments of the Western feminine fact. She arranges her tampons into tableaus that confront you with the gendered power dynamics of our oppressive and patriarchal lily white cisnormative society. Her tampon tableaus are a revelation, a shock to the dominant white male consensus that imposes itself and recreates itself through the commodification of these hygiene products, among other things.”

Dolan believes that DJ Quizlabia may even be the next Picasso. “Her tampons are her brushes and her blood is her paint, and with these two things, she is able to create art the likes of which we have never seen. I could spend hours, months even, simply gazing at her crimson red creations. It’s so easy to lose yourself in her bloody effusions. I hope everyone eventually gets to experience her glory in person. Tampon art has never been this transcendent.”

Montreal’s famous Hot-Dog Man was brutally stabbed by a pack of feral ravers on Saturday. The beloved city icon, who became famous in the late nineties for dressing up as a hotdog outside of bars and parties on St-Laurent boulevard, chose the wrong party to peddle his wieners. “He was selling hotdogs and corndogs outside a a militant vegan rave,” says eye witness Brenda Bennet, who was walking down the street when the attack happened. “He’s lucky he survived — those vegans were ruthless.”

The vegan party scene has exploded in popularity over the last few years, with nearly fifty percent of the cities raves identifying as vegan only events. Police are worried that the vegan rave community’s growth will set off a tidal wave of meat based violence. “The unfortunate stabbing of the Hot-Dog Man is a sign of things to come,” says police officer Jaime Sausiss. “This isn’t the first time a bunch of angry vegan ravers have assaulted someone for selling meat, and it won’t be the last.”

Many experts believe that it’s time for the provincial government to step in before vegan violence steps up. “The brutal stabbing of the Hot Dog Man shows that we are only a few short years away from non-stop vegan mayhem,” says urbanologist Keith Moutarde. “The government needs to set-up programs to train public officials on how to deal with militant veganism. If they don’t, we’ll end up like San Francisco, where people are regularly murdered for eating beef instead of quinoa salad. Do you want to live in a city where you have to constantly watch your back whenever you leave a restaurant? I don’t.”

A recent study by the Categorical Institute For Nominal Investigations claims that over 40% of all ravers are named Kyle. “Even ravers that aren’t named Kyle are named Kyle,” says lead researcher Kyle Kylerson. “That means that ravers who don’t have Kyle as a first name usually have it as their second name.”

Kyle doesn’t have any explanation for this phenomenon. “Right now, it’s a bit of a mystery,” says Kyle. “What we do know is that the number of Kyles in the rave scene has exploded over the last 20 years. Back in the nineties, the distribution of names within the raver population reflected the distribution of names among the whole population. That began changing shortly after the first Spider-Man movie was released by Sony Pictures. That’s when you can see a sharp spike in ravers named Kyle. We’re not sure what the link is between Spider-Man and why so many ravers are named Kyle, but it’s something we’re looking into.”

Kyle Brogan, a rave promoter from Chicoutimi, says there’s just something about raving that attracts people named Kyle. “I don’t know, raves are like dog whistles for the Kyles of the world,” says Kyle. “There’s something about raves that we can’t resist, something that non-Kyle’s can’t fully appreciate.”

Kyle Panopolous, a DJ from New Zealand, agrees. “I’ve got a sixth sense for raves. It’s like I just know when there’s a rave happening,” says Kyle. “Like I don’t even need GPS or google maps to find a rave. I just use my Kyle-sense, and boom, I’ll find a party to go to — it’s kind of freaky.”

Kyle Kylerson says that at the current rate, the rave scene will be fully Kylerized by 2022. “That’s the year when over 98% of all ravers will be named Kyle,” says Kyle. “It’s almost enough to make you ask if there’s something supernatural going on. Is this an act of God? Are aliens behind it? Is it a marketing scheme by Sony pictures for the next Spider-Man movie? I guess we’ll find out soon enough.”

Health professionals are incredibly concerned over the growing popularity of vagina snacking among young women.“Storing food in your vagina in order to eat it later in the day is not sanitary,” says Dr. Corey Leonor. “When you put an apple or an orange in your vagina, you’re not only covering your food in all sorts of bodily fluids, your also introducing germs and bacteria into your body that really have no place being in it. And if you go through with eating your vaginal snack, you’re stomach is going to hate you for it.”

The vaginal snacking craze started, like many other terrible ideas, on Tumblr. “Several years ago, members of that website’s thriving shoplifting subculture began circulating vaginal smuggling techniques,” says Dr. Rachel Fou, a digital humanities researcher. “Eventually some of the young female shoplifters who use Tumblr began sharing stories about how they would eat the fruit that they had smuggled out of grocery stores in their vaginas. It wasn’t long before these vaginal fruit smuggling stories started showing up on other parts of Tumblr, and from there they found their way to other websites like Twitter and Youtube. During this memetic migration to the wider internet, the practice of vaginal fruit smuggling evolved into the practice of pure vaginal snacking. Shoplifters were no longer the only women eating fruits that they had tucked away in their bodily orifices. Now all sorts of women were getting in on the act. ”

It’s gotten so bad, that schools across the country have begun disciplining students who hide food where the sun doesn’t shine. “We’re really trying to communicate to teenagers that this fad isn’t just disgusting, it’s actually bad for your health,” says Principal Paul Mangepum of Saskatoon’s St-Dorothy High School. “I know that in progressive times like ours it might seem retrograde to punish women for practicing bodily autonomy, but it’s a public health issue. We don’t want these girls getting sick.”

Government officials are begging ravers to poop in bags after a team of German scientists discovered that their fecal matter had amazing medical properties. “Ravers are a bit like walking drug factories,” says Dr. Lynn Canthrope of Berlin’s Real Medical Institute. “The habit of constantly consuming drugs has radically altered raver biology. After a few years of raving, your body begins to naturally secrete drugs. That’s why every time a raver uses the toilet, they’re flushing life saving medicine right down the tube. It’s a tragedy.”

Doctors envision a future where ravers around the world will simply poop in medical bags that they will then ship off to facilities that will turn their feces into more palatable medicine. “It might sound gross, but a lot of medicine comes from less than savoury sources,” says Dr. Canthrope. “I mean, there’s an entire field of medicine that involves transplanting another person’s feces into your intestines in order to regrow healthy gut bacteria. That’s a real medical intervention. So people shouldn’t be all that shocked that raver poop can save lives. It can, and it already has, and once the government starts collecting it on a massive scale, it’s going to do an incredible amount of good. The public will be blown away by all the lives that raver secretions end up saving.”

Dr. Canthrope predicts that in the future, government agents will be sent to parties to directly collect raver droppings. “I wouldn’t be surprised if we end up seeing government run raves, either. Hell, you might even see Big Pharma get in on the act. Imagine a future where billion dollar pharmaceutical companies throw raves in order to collect raver feces? That future is likelier than you think.”

A new fashion craze has doctors concerned as thousands of female ravers around the world have cut off their labia in order to turn them into jewelry. “A lot of young women seem to think that it’s the ultimate fashion statement,” says Barry Arachide, a fashionologist at the Institute For Teenage Trends. “They consider it a sort of declaration of war against socially constructed gender identities. Wearing their labia around their necks is a way of letting society know they won’t let social norms dictate their biology.”

Leanna Perdu is a 19 year old college student who has been evangelizing labia necklaces for the last several years. “I first learned about the labia freedom movement on Tumblr,” says Leanna. “And it just made so much sense. That’s when I decided I’d become a high priestess of the faith, convincing people that it was time to grab a pair of scissors and craft supplies and say goodbye to the patriarchal gender normative lips of oppression between our thighs.”

Theresa Nobbins, a 23 year old post-gendered biohacker, agrees. “I don’t look at labia necklaces as fashion items or even as political statements,” says Theresa. “Instead, I view them as a spiritual act of self-creation. People are thrown into the world in bodies they don’t choose and inundated with social and cultural mores that they have no power over. Creating a necklace out of your labia is a way of reclaiming a degree of autonomy over the vast cosmic forces that shape and control you. I like to think of the labia necklaces as a stepping stone to a greater cultural acceptance for transhumanism. Each time a woman cuts off her labia and wears it around her neck, she’s helping to build a freer world, a world where we don’t have to be what society tells us to be, a world where we get to control our biology, a world where we can escape the confines of our bodies and shape them to our will. That’s a world I want to live in.”