The World Brony Community has petitioned the U.N Human Rights Council for special protection. “We are an oppressed minority,” says Brad Snugglesworth, a 24 year old autistic man who is obsessed with Twilight Sparkle. “There is an organized campaign to deprive usbronies of our god given right to be insufferably weird, socially challenged creeps. We may have a toxic infatuation with my little pony, but we’re also human beings, and as human beings, we possess a basic fundamental dignity that is inviolable. Just because we are fascinated by a cartoon meant for prepubescent girls doesn’t mean we’re second class citizens."

U.N HRC commissioner Jones Kwalebi disagrees. “Look, I think we’ve really gone overboard with this egalitarianism thing,” says Jones. “I think everyone can agree that equality has certain functional limitations. Yes, we shouldn’t discriminate against people because of their race or their gender or who they like filling their holes. For the most part, I think we should treat people on a case by case basis. However, bronies? Their entire identity revolves around their love of a cartoon created to capitalize on a popular 1980s toy line. These people are pathetic. Hell, most fandoms are pathetic. If a big chunk of your life revolves around a TV show or a comic book or a video game, and you’re not the person who created it, you deserve to be discriminated against. You’re a creepy weird idiot that deserves to be stuffed into a cannon and launched into a volcano. And you can quote me on that, it is now official U.N policy that bronies deserve to be launched into a volcano. So do Whovians, Beliebers, Trekkies, Twighlighters, and every other ridiculous consumer movement. You’re all morons and no one likes you."

Rural people are happy that the U.N has denied the Brony petition for protection. “The people who identify with fictional characters from shitty television shows are the same people who often make fun of those of us who are god fearing Christians,” says Rev. Hopper of the Church Of The One Direction. “It’s incredible that people who are obsessed with Daleks and cartoon ponies think that they have the moral high ground when arguing with people who spend their lives investigating the deeper mysteries of life as revealed in religious holy works. Oh, sure, believing in god is stupid, but getting upset when people don’t respect you for being obsessed with a pink cartoon pony isn’t? We’ve raised a generation of crazy, whiney bitches."

Breaking up isn’t what it used to be, and thanks to the advent of social media, it’s evolved into a horrifying monstrosity. Young millennials are capitalizing on advances in technology to make saying goodbye to their former lovers as insulting and hurtful as possible. Nothing embodies this terrible trend as much as the rise of Break Up Party, the evil sociopathic twin of the surprise party.

Imagine if your boyfriend or girlfriend threw you a surprise party, except instead of inviting all your friends over to celebrate how wonderful you are, they had invited all their friends over to witness your humiliation as they broke up with you. If that doesn’t sound awful enough, many break up parties are live streamed over the internet. Strangers you’ve never met can gawk at you as you’re ritualistically humiliated by a room full of people.

“The very existence of the break-up party suggests that something dangerous is happening to Western civilization,” says ethicist Hernanda Bonanza. “We are witnessing the complete break down of social decency. Cruelty is being elevated into an art form, maliciousness is being celebrated. Everywhere, people are rewarded for being shit slinging monsters. Western civilization is gasping its last breaths, and the break-up party epitomizes the descent of a once mighty culture.”

Break-Up Parties have already claimed a dozen lives, as its victims, struggling with the concentrated hatred of their peers, choose to commit suicide instead of fighting back.

“I don’t think Break-Up Parties are a bad thing,” says 19 year old Sherryl King. “I think they’re an excellent way of weeding out genetically inferior human beings. If you’re not strong enough to survive the humiliation of your ex-lover getting all his or her friends to laugh at you as he or she breaks up with you, you deserve to die. That’s just a fact. Some people think Break-Up Parties represent the end of Western civilization, but I think we’re just leveling up as a society. We’re making people grow thicker skins by subjecting them to public humiliation on an increasingly frequent basis. If there’s one lesson I learned from school, it’s that the only way to fix society is by getting all your friends to insult and humiliate the people you don’t like. Why should our exes be spared our wrath?"

38 year old Leanna Hogwarts made a shocking discovery at a Plateau based dollar store after purchasing a toy doll that turned out to be full of cocaine. “It was a two dollar baby doll from China,” says Leanna. “Nothing extravagant, just something for my little girl to play with. When I took the doll out of its package, a bunch of white powder started dripping out of its nose."

Leanna isn’t a stranger to cocaine. “I used to do it all the time. I mean, we live in Montreal. Who hasn’t done cocaine here?” That’s why there was no doubt in her mind that the white powder coming out of her toy doll was cocaine.

“The first thing I did was call the police, the second thing I did was contact the media. I didn’t want the police to charge me with possessing cocaine. I came by it honestly and I only snorted the coke that fell out of the dolls nose."

Joe Smorgasvine, the spokesperson for the SPVM, says it’s not uncommon for drug smugglers to sneak narcotics across the border inside cheap Chinese goods. “It happens all the time. We believe that the drug dealers were taking advantage of the dollar stores supply chain in order to get their drugs into Canada. They mixed up some of their own cargo with cargo meant for the store, and that might end up being their undoing."

The police are now believed to be hot on the trail of the actual drug smugglers. “We can’t comment more than we already have, since this is an ongoing investigation. We thank Leanna for having alerted us and we invite other Montrealers to do the same. If you ever buy a doll full of cocaine at your local dollar store, let us know."

Bourgeois journalists are celebrating the latest teenage fad: dying armpit hair bright fluorescent colours. “The next big civil rights fight is armpit hair grooming,” says Montreal beautician Laticia Bonham-Carter. “Many middle and upper class people in their thirties and forties have piercings, tattoos, and dyed hair colour. These fashion statements are no longer acts of rebellion, but symbols of the status quo. Teenagers have decided to differentiate themselves from the neotenous adults who spawned them by embracing radical armpit grooming. It’s not just an act of fashion, but a revolutionary commitment to overthrowing western civilization."

Experts on bourgeois fashion believe that armpit hair is the last remaining part of the human body that hasn’t been colonized by neoliberal capitalism. “Bourgeois feminists recognize recognize that when a woman shaves her armpits, she’s submitting to our awful male dominated society,” says fashion blogger Eustace Gravy. “The only way we’ll ever liberate ourselves from the terror of male domination is if young women mindlessly follow the trends and ideas started by bourgeois white women with liberal art degrees. Our salvation is in the hands of our intellectual betters, and our intellectual betters are telling us that it’s time for us to dye our armpit hair pink and get it braided. Only by turning the bush beneath our arms into temples of revolutionary armpit art can we ever hope to build a Utopian civilization where all the white men have been murdered and patriarchy has finally been laid to rest."

Teenagers agree. “Growing out your armpit hair is the symbolic equivalent of blowing up the white house,” says 16 year old Michelle Eleganza, “and I am all about smashing the powers that be. That’s why I’ve dyed my armpit hair purple. By dying my armpit hair a neon colour, I am distancing myself from patriarchal and capitalist forms of oppression. I am letting the world know that I have a Tumblr account, that I subscribe to Vice magazine, that I am one with the ways of Vox Media. I have liberated me from my materialist prison! All glory to the patriarchy smashing power of glow in the dark armpits! Intersectionality akbar! Feminism for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!"

Despite the growing popularity of ridiculous armpit hair, working class people have yet to latch on to the trend. “Wealthy white people with university degrees are stupid,” says Joe Farmer, a plumber from St-Leonard. “They spend all their time obsessing over bullshit. No one cares about the colour of your armpit hair, ladies. We do, however, care about the way you demonize working class men while erasing our struggles and experiences. You think you’re smashing the patriarchy, when really, you’re just antagonizing the working class. We’ll eventually rise up and enslave every last one of you bourgeois liberal art graduates. You think you’re on the right side of history. You’re wrong. See you at the barricades."

Notorious Cornwall drug dealer Joseph Goebbels, who was arrested last month for selling LSD encrusted sex toys to elementary school children, has been sentenced to living in Toronto. Critics say that the controversial decision, handed out by Justice Keith Sutherland, will have far reaching consequences for the rest of Canada.

“Justice Sutherland has set a new precedent in the way crimes are policed in Canada,” says political scientist Stefan Urkel. “If the Supreme Court lets his decision stand, going forward judges will pass down sentences that are informed by their understanding of local cultural realities."

People across rural Canada are celebrating Sutherland's decision, calling it a victory against urban moral degeneracy. “The country side is being colonized by degenerate city slickers,” says farmer Wallace Brown. “Justice Sutherland’s decision places the blame for drug dealing in Cornwall on the shoulders of urban moral bankruptcy. He’s telling the world that if you’re going to be a scumbag in Cornwall, you deserve to live in Toronto."

Torontonians are baffled that living in their city is now considered a form of punishment. “Living in Toronto is great,” says 27 year old fluffer Katie Moppins. “We’re every bit as moral and sensible as anyone else in Canada."

Child rapist and Etobicoke resident Ted Wilson agrees. “Toronto is the true north of Canada’s moral compass. It’s where the holiest of people come to live. If criminals are being sentenced to live in Toronto, it’s because criminals are more moral than your average Canadian citizen."

Yuppies have fallen in love with gluten free marijuana. The strands inventor, street hustler Hans Grüber, got the idea after seeing how yuppies love wasting their money on bullshit.

“I was walking by this natural food store when I overheard this 34 year old hipster woman talk about how she had just bought some gluten-free dish soap,” says Hans. “The moment those words escape her lips, I realized I could make a fortune by creating a gluten-free product that would appeal to snobby, health-conscious urban idiots. I went home and got to work."

Hans had a Chinese factory manufacture thousands of customized dime bags, each of them with the words ‘gluten-free’ printed on them. “After I received my one-of-a-kind dime bags, I filled them with regular marijuana. Here’s the kicker though, since the dime bags had the words gluten-free on them, I was able to sell my plain-old-pot for 4 times the price. That’s the magic of marketing!"

Despite the fact that gluten-free marijuana is identical to regular strands of marijuana, yuppies insist that they’re different. “The words gluten-free are magical,” says 32 year old VICE magazine enthusiast Jennifer Klimt. “The words are a kind of enchantment, a spell that transforms common-place objects into high class, luxury items. We’re not spending the extra money because the marijuana is better, we’re spending the extra money because it helps us advertise to the world that we’re a better class of human being."

Hans says he doesn’t care why yuppies are stupid enough to buy his gluten free marijuana. “Look, I don’t know why they do it, I don’t care, I just like the fact that they’re giving me all this extra money. I love gluten free products!"

Will Quebec outlaw being sober in 2016? That’s the question countless politicians are asking themselves after the shocking success of Montreal’s Vodka-Shots-For-Bus-Drivers initiative. The once controversial initiative mandated that all bus drivers get drunk on vodka at the start of their shifts. Jessica Lansburry, the initiative’s brainchild, said she wasn’t surprised at how fast her idea bore fruit. “Worker productivity doubled across the island within a week of our drunk bus driver initiative,” says Jessica. “Tax revenue increased by 50%. City coffers are now overflowing with money."

No one’s sure why drunk bus drivers have been such a boon for the city, but few people are complaining. “If drunk bus drivers have done this much for the city, what would happen if everyone was drunk all year round?” asks Montreal mayor Roger Mulcair. “That’s why I believe Quebec should pass a law that makes being sober illegal. Everyone should be drunk, every day, all day long. The drunker the better!"

Alcohologist Andy Scheffer says that making sobriety a crime could be the one thing that can turn Western civilization around. “We’re a society in decline,” says Andy. “And I think drinking ourselves stupid could really help turn that around. We’ve already seen how drunk driving has secondary economic benefits. The economics behind that are a bit of a mystery, but the results are there for everyone to see. Drunk drivers have made Montreal an economic power house, and drunk citizens can do the same thing for Quebec, for Canada, for the entire Western world. Quebec needs to lead the way out of the darkness, one bottle of liquor at a time."

Prime Minister Jean Cabaret says that his government is looking into the possibility of outlawing sobriety. “It’s not a light decision to take,” says PM Cabaret. “We’re going to look into it, we’ll have some studies conducted, and then we’ll act on what the findings are. If sobriety is bad for the economy, than there’s a good chance we’ll have to say no to being sober. If that’s the price of progress, I think the people of Quebec are willing to pay it."

Montreal’s Butt Creek Festival has drawn rave reviews from party goers, many of them calling the event a breath of fresh air. “The Butt Creek Festival is forcing the city’s night life mandarins to reconsider the way they organize events,” says Butt Creek organizer Joe Smorgasvine. “We’re bringing a new aesthetic, a new theory of art, to the party scene that I think other promoters can’t ignore. "

Joe calls his theory of art The Butt Creek Ethos. “Partying is all about sexual gratification,” says Joe. “I’m not saying that people go to parties just to have sex. No, what I mean is that that sexual drives are what make the party scene go round. It’s our urge to merge to which compels us to make music, to host events, to gyrate on dance floors. Thanks to Freud, we know that sex drives have three gears: genital, oral, and anal. Most nightlife scenes in the west overemphasize the importance of genital and oral motivation while minimizing our anal desires. The Butt Creek Festival flips this dynamic on its head, and makes anal pleasure its central motivating force."

The design and structure of the Butt Creek Festival was inspired by the famous scientist Asad Bamali, who published a study last month that showed how anal sex improved human hearing. “After Bamali released his study, I organized a bunch of parties that incorporated this knowledge. I started renting out vibrating butt plugs to party guests to help them really connect with the music, and it worked surprisingly well. Anal penetration increases music appreciation. The thing is though, anal penetration can be dirty. Really, really dirty. After renting out hundreds of butt plugs to anal happy ravers, I realized that a lot of them needed to take much better care of their assholes. That’s why I’ve organized The Butt Creek Festival, the first rave/anal hygiene hybrid event."

The Butt Creek Festival offers guests dozens of anal hygiene therapies. “We’ve got the best bidets in town, we have spa treatments that’ll make your sphincter glow, we even offer anal bleaching services and salad tossing on demand. That’s not all, we also give out the best enemas money can buy. Coffee enemas, mountain dew enemas, regular old enemas. At a Butt Creek Festival, you’re asshole is going to be treated like royalty — and once you’ve cleaned it out, your ears will thank you when you hit the dance floor."
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Organizers of the former Montreal Anarchist Bookfair are celebrating their new identity after they renamed themselves The Bourgeois Feminist Bookfair. “We realized that we’re not an anarchist collective after all,” says activist and bourgeois neo-liberal feminist Lucy Descharnes. “We don’t care about anarchism, we don’t care about the working class, and we don’t care about economic issues. Our main interest is in protecting the privileges of wealthy university graduates, so we decided to change the name of our organization to better reflect our actual values. We’re bourgeois, we're educated, we're affluent, and we're proud of it."

Anarchists across Montreal say that they’re not surprised by the name change. “I can’t remember the last time the anarchist bookfair actually catered to genuine anarchists,” says working class activist Jesse Hogan. “It’s been a giant bourgeois shit show for the last decade. Last year took the cake, though, after they gave white and affluent academic feminists the power to ban men from attending the event. Seriously, if a wealthy educated feminist didn’t like you, you couldn’t attend. All she had to say was that you made her feel uncomfortable. The organizers justified their actions because they believe that working class men have more power and privilege than bourgeois feminists. I’m not comfortable with bourgeois feminists being anywhere near me, but the bookfair doesn’t care about creating a safe space for the working class. Safe spaces only exist to protect the bourgeoisie from the rabble."

Lucy agrees. “At the end of the day, a wealthy white woman with a Ph.D from Concordia is far more oppressed than a working class man who was born into poverty,” says Lucy. “At the Bourgeois Feminist Bookfair, we believe in intersectional feminism, which is the religious conviction that oppressions intersect in a way that minimizes and erases class privilege. For example, if you’re a poor homeless man, your penis gives you way more privilege than Martha Stewart or Michelle Obama. A homeless man’s male privilege intersects with his poverty, erasing it’s very existence from the face of the earth. Bourgeois feminists recognize that class is irrelevant — it’s the least important factor in oppression. We also believe in the one drop rule: if you have a single drop of non-economic privilege, that privilege erases the economic factors in your life. You’re white? Your class doesn’t matter. You're a man? Your class doesn’t matter. You’re straight? Your class doesn’t matter. The fact that class privilege doesn’t matter to bourgeois feminists is why its possible for us to ban men unilaterally from our events. It’s not all that different from when men in the past were lynched based only on the word of an affluent white woman. I think I speak for everyone that matters when I say that poor men shouldn’t be allowed to challenge rich women. That’s just good common sense.”

Jesse is happy that the bourgeois feminists behind the anarchist bookfair are finally showing their true colours. “I’m ecstatic that they’re admitting that intersectional feminism isn’t about raising people up, but about pushing the working class down,” says Jesse. “Intersectional feminism is a product of our Universities. It wasn’t born in the ghetto. It wasn’t created by working class activists. It’s bourgeois from top to bottom. When someone says they’re an intersectional feminists, what they’re really saying is that they’re enemies of the working class. Feminism is the child of the academy, and it carries with it all the sins of its powerful father. It’s the fruits of a poisoned tree. You can’t fix society with bourgeois solutions. It’s annoying that the people who go on and on about institutional privilege never actually own up to the institutional privilege that their time in University has granted them. Their ideas are not scientific. They’re not the product of falsifiable experiments. They’re the product of bourgeois intellectuals masturbating all over themselves and then using the institutional power of the academy to force the rest of society to treat their mental ejaculate as if it’s divine revelation. Bourgeois feminists have no idea how much anger they’re inspiring among working class people. If they don’t back off, and soon, they’re in for a rude awakening."

Other working class anarchists agree. “Many of us are done dealing with bourgeois feminists,” says Mary Woodhall. “We’re done letting spoiled brats speak down to us. The vast majority of feminists have never done any manual labour in their entire lives, but after they spend a few years fellating the egos of some quack sociologists and pompous philosophers, they think they’ve earned the right to control working class people, to shape their behaviours, to tell them how to live their lives. This isn’t an old problem either, Mikhail Bakunin, one of the founding fathers of Anarchism, explicitly warned anarchists against the perils of academics all the way back in the 1860s. He said that a government of scholars was the most oppressive, offensive, and contemptuous kind in the world. Those were his words. And now today’s anarchists are telling us that we need to mindlessly accept whatever bullshit liberal art graduates defecate all over us? Bakunin explicitly complained about Marx forcing workers to compromise with the radical bourgeoisie. A lot of us anarchists are done compromising with academics. It’s over. They had their chance, and they used it to tell us that working class men are somehow the oppressors of bourgeois feminists. No, I’m sorry, we’re not putting up with that anymore. Feminists are the enemies of the working class. Period. They’ve got a silver tongue and use their rhetoric to convince us they’re our allies, but they are not. They never have been and they never will be."

Lucy says she’s happy that working class anarchists won’t collaborate with the Bourgeois Feminist Bookfair. “Today, 95% of anarchists are bourgeois radicals,” says Lucy. "The working class has been successfully purged from the activist milieux. We are fully in control of radical movements in the west. Working class anarchism is dead. We don’t want the paltry remains of the working class to take part in our events as our equals. The working class are not our equals, they’re our inferiors and must show us the deference that we deserve. When they attend the Bourgeois Feminist Bookfair, they need to grovel before the altar of intersectionality and declare themselves unworthy of its blessings. If they can’t do that, we don’t want to deal with them. Intersectionality akbar!"

Jesse says that bourgeois feminists will live to regret their assault on the working class. “A lot of normal people are starting to wake up to the perils of bourgeois feminism,” says Jesse. “The working class will rise up again, and when we do, we will tear down the Universities and chase out the parasites that call them home. Academics have no place in our revolution. When we take to the streets, it won’t be feminists with university degrees that lead us. We’re going to take anarchism back from them. There’s a growing consensus among working class anarchists: you can’t be an anarchist and a feminist. Feminism was created by the bourgeoisie for the bourgeoisie. In the 1970s, black women created womanism in response to how feminism didn’t address class or race issues. Nothing has changed since then. Feminists are still the enemies of the working class. Feminists are still the enemies of racial minorities. We’ll work with womanists who recognize the failures of intersectional theory, but we will never work with feminists."

Starting October 1st, Montreal bus drivers will be given mandatory vodka shots at the start of their shifts. “It’s part of a new initiative designed to make life more interesting for the people of Montreal,” says mayor Roger Mulcair. “Driving the bus for hours on end can be incredibly dull, and if the bus drivers are bored, their passengers will be bored. Bored passengers means bored workers, and bored workers means less productivity, which leads to less tax revenue. Drunk drivers will have more fun on the road, which oddly enough, means that workers will be more productive. The specifics are fuzzy, but specialists assure me that this is how economics work. Drunk driving is good business."

According to safety expert Denise Felardeau, the days of drinking responsibly are long gone. “Montreal’s current administration is dedicated to making this city more exciting, and one of the ways of doing that is by rejecting the safety-first ethos that has come to dominate so much of Western civilization,” says Denise. “In the years ahead, I expect to see a lot of safety regulations clawed back, as people grow tired of living inside a giant bubble were nothing is dangerous and everything is safe. Human beings crave danger and risk. Encouraging bus drivers to work drunk is just one way to rebalance society. The reign of the safe space will be short lived, as people rebel by embracing reckless risk taking."

Many bus drivers aren’t sure they want to drink vodka before hitting the road. “I think i’d be much happier drinking vodka after my shift ends,” says 45 year old Gerard Jerome. “However, if the government says I have to drive drunk, than I guess I’ll suck it up and take my shots. If I end up running over some pedestrians, don’t blame me."

Mayor Mulcair wouldn’t have it any other way. “Everyone focuses too much on assigning blame,” says Mulcair. “The fact is simple: being alive is dangerous and the survival rate is 0%. We need to come to terms with the fact that living isn’t safe. It will never be safe. Bad things will happen, and that’s okay. By encouraging bad things to happen, we’re telling people that it’s normal to get hurt. That pain isn’t something to avoid, but something we need to embrace. Life is much more fun when you realize it’s supposed to hurt."

Montreal DJ Khalis Calissy has given up on being human and moved to England, where he has joined a goat herd. “People suck,” says Khalis. “I’d rather eat grass and frolic in the mountains with my goat brothers and sisters than spend another agonizing dealing with human beings."

The DJ has long been vocal about his affinity for goats. “Goats are smarter than people, they’re friendlier than people, and they make better lovers than people,” says Khalis. “A goat won’t stab you in the back and cheat on you with your best friend. A goat won’t laugh at you if you have trouble getting it up. A goat won’t question your taste in music or your masculinity. You know what, sometimes my penis doesn’t get erect, that doesn’t mean it’s okay to make fun of me. Goats never judge me the way people do."

Goatologist Siam Blanks says he’s not surprised that Khalis went and joined a goat herd. “It’s one of the weirder trends I’ve noticed over the last five years,” says Siam. "Tons of DJs are cutting ties with humanity to join goat herds. I think techno music is one of those things that really emphasizes how dependent we’ve become on technology. If we don’t balance out our use of technology by getting in touch with nature every once in awhile, eventually our brain breaks and we become goat people. That’s what i think has happened to DJs like Khalis. He focused so much of his time on making beep-hoop-bop music that he forgot how to be a human being."

Not everyone agrees with Siam’s assessment. “Techno is Satan’s music,” says evangelical Christian Brogan McAuley. “That’s why DJs are joining goat herds. They want to be closer to the devil that they serve. The Devil’s human form is half-man, half-goat. DJs, by joining goat herds, hope to impregnate a goat and give birth to Satan. That sounds ridiculous, but please understand, just as Jesus was born of an immaculate conception, so will Satan be born from the love of a man and a goat. The DJs are the devils army, working to bring him into this world."

Khalis doesn’t agree with either Siam or Brogan. “I have sex with goats because they respect me, not because I want to give birth to Satan,” says Khalis. “And I quit society because people suck, not because I was hungry for nature after spending years making techno music. People need to stop over-thinking things."

Exciting research by scientists at the Aural Fixation Institute proves that anal sex can improve hearing. “Our results suggest that it is theoretically possible to treat deafness with a regimen of rectal penetration,” says lead researcher Asad Bamali. “Stimulation of certain glands along the anal wall can trigger the regeneration of cellular pathways associated with hearing. Not only that, but the stimulation also lights up neural pathways associated with hearing and memory formation. We believe that anal sex might also benefit people suffering from alzheimer’s disease."

The ramifications of Dr. Bamali’s work is already bearing fruit in the way some parties are being promoted. “After Bamali released his seminal paper on anal-aural regeneration, we realized that rectal stimulation could intensify the experience of listening to music,” says party promoter Joe Smorgasvine. “We decided to test our theory out by organizing an anal dubstep orgy. We combined sick beats with ass pounding pleasure. The results were out of this world. If you’ve never had your sphincter thoroughly massaged while listening to loud repetitive music, you haven’t really lived."

Many people agree. “I don’t think I ever want to go to a party that doesn’t include someone shoving something up my ass,” says 18 year old Klein Smidt. “Anal stimulation has made a huge difference to the way I listen to music. The more stimulation I get, the better the music sounds. There’s no comparison. Anal sex will help revitalize the rave scene in a way that few people fully appreciate. Soon, all raves will involve anal penetration."

Joe says that he’ll be offering vibrating butt plugs at his next party. “If you’re one of those lonely fat nerds who doesn’t have any friends willing to shove something up your ass, that’s okay, we’ve got your back."

The Montreal Police, with the help of Post-Modern Gender Theorists from Concordia, have embarked on a controversial plan to retool their use of force. Starting in October, the police will have to hand in their guns, which they’ll replace with rubber life sized replicas of Ron Jeremy’s penis.

“Violence is a product of the patriarchy,” says gender neutral SPVM spokesperson Xer Herxenzir. “Women, unlike men, are incapable of violence. There’s never been a violent woman in the entire history of the human race. Violence is a thoroughly masculine creation born in the fiery pits of patriarchal domination. The only way to truly deal with violent crime is by dealing with the patriarchal foundation that enables it. That’s where Ron Jeremy’s penis comes into play."

Gender theorists at Concordia have devised an innovative policing strategy that will erase violence and usher in an era of social harmony. “Theorists at Concordia have surmised, using the help of tea leaves and astrology, that crime is the result of male insecurity,” says faecesiologist Bonita Quinn. "In order for men to turn away from patriarchal forms of aggression, they need to accept their vulnerabilities. Criminals who come face to face with Ron Jeremy’s ample manhood will have to confront their own phallic insecurities. By attacking men with giant dildos, the police will be challenging male criminals to accept their sexual inadequacies. Gender theorists at Concordia believe that police can use Ron Jeremy’s oversized pole to help men come to terms with their low rank on society’s social totem pole. When men learn to accept that they are weak and vulnerable and inadequate, patriarchy will collapse and we will live in Utopia."

The new policing strategy has many people scratching their heads. “Our Universities are run by lunatics, and these lunatics are shaping the social policies which guarantee our safety,” says Henrietta Blank, a 26 year old electrician. “At this point, we’re only a generation or two away from seeing Idiocracy come true. Anyone with half a brain should be stocking up on canned goods and getting ready for society to collapse, because with policies like this being implemented, it’s only a matter of time before everything collapses."

Dancing’s popularity has declined by double digits over the last decade as millennials have embraced an entirely new way of partying: rhythmic self-urination. “Dancing just isn’t popular anymore,” says 34 year old rave promoter Joe Smorgasvine. “It’s considered old and dorky, the new hip way to enjoy a party is by pissing into your own mouth. That’s what all the cool kids are doing."

Teenagers agree, dancing is out, rhythmic self-urination is in. “When I go to a club, it’s all about peeing in my own mouth,” says 18 year old Linda Karter. “Rhythmic self-urination is an intricate art form that requires a lot more skill than dancing. You have to time your movements just right, or you might accidentally miss your face, and that’s a huge social faux pas. There’s nothing less cool than trying to pee in your own mouth, but hitting your shoulder or your collar bone instead. That’s a quick trip to dorksville."

One of the reasons for rhythmic self-urinations explosive popularity is that it highlights sex differences. “Today there’s this huge movement popular with hipster dorks who think that gender is entirely constructed and that men and women aren’t biologically different,” says Linda. “However, you can’t practice rhythmic self-urination without coming face to face with the fact that sexual differences do exist. Male and female rhythmic self-urinators have come up with entirely different ways of performing the art, and these differences have been structured by biological realities that liberal art graduates can’t erase. Men use their penises, while women often uses pee funnels, cups that come in all shapes and sizes and help direct urine flow. Pro-level women don’t even use pee funnels, they’ve become so familiar with the inner workings of their bodies that they can control their pee without using funnels."

Joe Smorgasvine agrees that rhythmic self-urination’s popularity is a backlash against rigid gender policing by academic leftists. “People are tired of being told that women and men are 100% identical and that everything is culturally constructed,” says Joe. “They’re so fed up, that they’ve embraced rhythmic self-urination as a way of saying, no, men and women aren’t the same. We’ll show you by turning urination into a gendered art form where men and women can embrace their differences while accepting the warm golden glow of their own life force."

Linda says rhythmic self-urination isn’t just a lot of fun, it’s also a great way to improve your sex life. “If you get really good at rhythmic self-urination, you’ll have much stronger orgasms,” says Linda. “I think that’s one of the best things about rhythmic self-urination, it’s that if you pay attention to how people are mouth pissing on the dance floor, it’s easy to spot the men and women who have mastered the art of controlling their genitals."

Linda and Joe both believe that rhythmic self-urination isn’t going away anytime soon. “Biology isn’t culturally con structure, but some things are,” says Linda. "What’s cool is a cultural construct. Dancing used to be cool. Now pissing in your own mouth is cool. That’s just the way culture works."

Working class activists are organizing across the country to have Universities renamed. “They’re pussy farms,” says Marcellus Brown, a 38 year old plumber from Cornwall. “Most people who go to University turn into giant, insufferable cunts. University graduates are terrified of everything. If you disagree with them it’s harassment. If you don’t call them by their preferred gender pronoun, it’s rape. If you don’t treat them like delicate, dainty little flowers, it’s violence. We’re releasing a generation of cowardly bubble children into the world. These twenty something toddlers are physically incapable of tolerating even the slightest hint of dissent. They’ve married elitist arrogance with complete helplessness. They’re going to walk the rest of society straight into civil war, because there’s no way working class people are going to tolerate being insulted by a bunch of arrogant, yet terrified, pussies."

Marcellus co-founded the Society of Grown Ass Men to help fight what he calls the infantilization of the west. “At SOGAM, we believe that if Universities insist on turning young minds into helpless pussies, than we should just start calling Universities pussy farms. That’s what they are. A young adult enters University a human being. and graduates an insufferable whiny bitch. It’s astonishing how utterly worthless your average University graduate is these days."

SOGAM is planning to spread anti-academic sentiment across the country. “We’re working with half a dozen party promoters to organize events that are closed to University students,” says Marcellus. "We’re helping to create a new movement that is actively and explicitly hostile towards pussy farm graduates. They need to know that a growing number of people don’t recognize the legitimacy of their degree and that their time in school makes them less worthy of respect, not more."

STEM majors are sounding their own alarm about the calamitous decline in quality that’s hit our Universities. “STEM programs are being dragged down by the utter incompetence of the rest of the academy,” says engineer Luther Ludwiggens. "Not everyone who graduates from University turns into a pussy, just the ones who haven’t studied anything that can make a tangible impact on the world. It’s the humanities and the social sciences that are farming pussies. The STEM world needs to build an iron wall between itself and the rest of the Academy."

Professors specializing in classical studies share the sentiment. “The humanities have fallen a long way from their past glory,” says Dr. Paul Grimace. “In the past, before the new left invaded the academy in the 1970s, a liberal arts education grounded people in our shared human experience. Today, it does the exact opposite. Instead of learning about the awesomeness of human experience in all its majesty, students are learning how to become undignified cry babies who are completely at the mercy of the world. Your average liberal arts graduate is rootless and deracinated. They don’t identify with their society, they don’t belong to their community, and they feel to kinship to the people who have made their schooling possible: the working class stiffs who make society function. Instead, they live on a cloud up in the sky where they look down on normal people with contempt. And if we ever normal people look up at them and challenge their arrogance, these brats start crying about how they’re being harassed. The humanities are dead. We should have built an iron wall between us and the new left idiots back in the sixties. We didn’t, and now Universities have transformed into pussy farms. The STEM programs need to learn from our mistake. If they don’t stop these idiots now, they’ll take over everything. Delegitimizing the humanities by calling their programs pussy farms might help slow down their invasion."

Marcellus believes that the tide is beginning to turn. “University graduates already have a hard enough time being taken seriously,” says Marcellus. “It’s going to get much, much worse in the years ahead. Working class people are fed up. We’re tired of bourgeois students expecting us to bend over backwards to satisfy their inane demands. They academy is teaching them to attack working class people, and we’re going to meet their attacks head on. Their degrees mean nothing to us. Their political beliefs mean nothing to us. Their social values mean nothing to us. If they want to act like pussies, than we’re going to give them a pounding."

Club Gemseins will be hosting Montreal first Sex Toy Swap over the weekend, and encourages all the naughty boys and girls from across the island to drop on by with their bag of goodies. “Come with a dildo, leave with a remote controlled vibrator,” says club owner Mastiff Letough. “Sex toys are fun, but they can get really expensive, which is why we decided to give total strangers the opportunity to share their most intimate gadgets with one another."

Sex toy enthusiast and creepy old man Donald Gédure says he’s really looking forward to sharing his collection of used nipple clamps with people. “They’ve been on my body, and now they can be on yours,” says Donald. “That makes me so hot, and I think it should make you hot too. Sharing is caring, and I want to share my toys with everyone. I can’t wait to attend."

Perverts across Montreal agree, the city’s first sex toy swap is sure to be a smash success. “Oh man, I can’t wait for it!,” says sex toy collector Melissa Gravinger. “It’s a lot like trading pokemon cards, but with more STDs. I wished every day was sex toy swap day. Maybe if it’s really successful, other clubs will copy the event. I’d love it if, every time I went to a party or a club, I’d get new sex toys out of it. It’d make going out a lot more exciting."

The Sex Toy Swap will take place September 12th at Club Gemseins. Naughty attire recommended, but not required.

People across Quebec are saying no to ketamine and yes to tiletamine, a drug that's so awesome, even our government has come out in favour of it. Why bother with ketamine when there's a drug out there that's cheaper, stronger, and more enjoyable?

John Wilkins, the Quebec Minister Of Narcotics, is a huge fan of the wonder drug. “A lot of people think that tiletamine, commonly known as Doggy K, is superior to ketamine,” says John. “Those people are absolutely right. Tiletamine is amazing! Everyone should try it. If you’re an impressionable teenager looking for a good time, you should go out and snort a line or ten.

18 year old narcotics connoisseur Amber Verdun, agrees. “I’ve taken a lot of drugs in my short life,” says Amber, “and none of them have blown me away as much as tiletamine. The first hour or two felt like Justin Bieber was riding me from behind while I gave blow jobs to all the members of One Direction. It was pure hedonic bliss. After that, it just got better. Once the drug finally wore off, all my homework was done, I had a new boyfriend, and there was an extra $10,000 in my bank account. I don’t remember how any of that happened, but it did."

Many people compare taking tiletamine to winning the lottery. “Every tiletamine trip is different,” says drugologist Ed Murphy, “you never know what you’re going to win when you snort a line of doggy K, but one things for sure: you’re going to win something. Maybe it’ll be a new job, maybe it’ll be a new lover, maybe it’ll be a new STD, but it’ll be something. Tiletamine makes life more fantastic. It’s something everyone should try at least once in their lives."

Teachers at high schools across Quebec are so enthusiastic about tiletamine’s potential, that many of them have started handing the drug out to their students. “We believe that students who are high tiletamine outperform those who aren’t,” says Jenny White, a 29 year old teacher at Geronimo High. “That’s why a lot of us are really pushing to get tiletamine into the hands of pupils as fast as possible."

John Wilkins agrees. “I think our government can do a better job of ensuring that our children start this school year with ample access to recreational narcotics,” says John. “It’s our duty as responsible adults to make this happen."

Liberals are going crazy over the latest political trend to hit the conservative world: cuckolding parties. “They are such a blast,” says vegan rights activist Kevin Derlinger. “If you’re a vegan rights activist who has ever fantasized about fucking a conservative right in the mouth, you’ll love their cuckolding parties. You just show up and the conservatives will let you abuse their bodies. You can do everything to them! I once gave a conservative M.P a dirty sanchez. It was great. Conservatives love watching liberals fuck other conservatives. It turns them on."

Conservatives, who are naturally submissive and enjoy being sexually degraded, say that cuckolding parties have really helped their political movement get back in touch with their core beliefs.

Republican strategic Harlin Brogue organized the first conservative cuckold party last spring. “I really wanted to plumb the depths of conservative irrelevance,” says Harlin. “We’ve been ceding moral ground to the left for decades now, and I think at this point,
we should just accept the fact that conservatives have always had a thing for being publicly abused and degraded. We might as well accept who we are and embrace our true nature publicly. We should just bend over and let everyone have their way with us."

Harlin says his cuckolding parties will help conservatives come to grips with their total and utter worthlessness. “At a conservative cuckold party, we get to cheer on as liberals literally fuck us in the face. We just sit there and watch as our right wing allies and friends are sodomized and beaten by progressives. When you abolish your need for self-respect and a sense of dignity, you open yourself up to an entirely new world of sexual possibilities. We might as well enjoy ourselves if we’re going to let the left walk all over us."

Some conservatives are concerned by the rise of political cuckolding. “I admit that conservatives do have a thin for public humiliation,” says Republican Senator Vidya Jones. “but instead of celebrating the fact that we enjoy being insulted and abused by liberals, maybe we should work on our self-respect. I think letting our political opponents exploit us sexually isn’t the healthiest thing for us to do."

Harlin disagrees. “The future belongs to progressives, and it’s our duty as submissive conservatives to bend over and obey our social betters,” says Harlin. “Basically, being a conservative today is not all that different than being in a 24/7 BDSM relationship. Liberals are our Gorean sex masters. We are their bitches, gagged and bound for their personal pleasure. We will all be so much happier once we recognize that, deep down, we’re meant to be the sexual playthings of progressive Doms. Conservatives are natural sex slaves that god designed for the pleasure of liberals. We have to embrace that truth, otherwise we’ll never find inner peace."

The Grey Tooth Clan, a gang of ferocious octogenarians, has declared war on ravers and has vowed to hunt down every last raver in Montreal. “This summer, the streets of our city will flow with the blood of the young,” says Ednith Wainright, the 84 years old spokeswoman for the Grey Tooth Clan. “We will not rest until we have beaten some musical taste into our progeny. The days of beep-hoop-bop music parties are over. We want melodies and we want them now!"

Ravers say they’re running scared now that the elderly have declared war on them. “The last party I played at, a dozen raging grannies showed up and started pelting everyone with rocks and broken shards of glass,” says DJ Tesjeune. “I’m scared that they’re aggression will escalate. Today, it’s rocks and glass, tomorrow though? What’s stopping them from gunning us down with AK-47s?"

Ednith is happy that her gang is filling the hearts of party goers with fear. “I want them to remember the day they bought their first MP3 from iTunes,” says Ednith. “I want them to regret the first time they danced to Skrillex. I want them to live their lives knowing that their taste in music means they will never know safety. We may be old, but we will rock and roll all over their delicate young asses."

The police say they won’t interfere in this musical turf war. “Every decade or two, musical scenes in Montreal wage all out war against each other,” says Sgt. Bertrand Russell of the SPVM. “Ten years ago, it was the Swing Dancers versus the Banjo Enthusiasts. This time around, it’s the Golden Oldies versus the Party Freaks. Sure, a few people will die, but so long as the violence doesn’t affect the lives of normal, well adjusted Montrealers, we don’t really care."

DJ Tesjeune is angry that the police won’t put a stop to the Grey Tooth Clan. “It’s obvious that the police are hoping that these elderly barbarians will kill as many ravers as they can,” says DJ Tesjeune. “The police want us to disappear from Montreal, but they don’t have the balls to kill us themselves, so they’re just going to let these old folks do it for them. Well, ravers never say die. We’ll fight back and we’ll win. The rave wars are here and we don’t plan on losing. Techno über alles.

A new dating craze has hit Montreal and experts believe it will revolutionize the way people fall in love. “Meth dating is here and it’s kicking speed dating to the curb,” says love coach Diana Biggles. “I’ve been helping lonely people find love for decades, and nothing has ever worked as well as this new drug infused dating method. Crystal meth makes falling in love crystal clear."

The origins of meth dating are shrouded in mystery, though the practice itself is fairly straight forward. “A meth date is when two strangers meet in abandoned alleyway and smoke crystal meth,” says Diana. “That’s all there is to it, really. It’s as simple as that. Just drag a stranger into an alleyway and smoke meth with them. Boom. You’ve got yourself a new lover to share your life with."

Katie Vanderbeek met her husband Wallace Gauthier on a meth date. “I was walking down St-Denis when I walked by this dank, dark alley that Wallace was hanging out in. The moment he noticed me, he popped his head out of the alley and asked me in a husky voice if I’d like to smoke some meth with him. I said sure and two weeks later we were married."

Katie and Wallace aren’t the only meth dating success story. “Every day, dozens of people across Montreal meet their life partners after smoking crystal meth in an alleyway,” says Diana. “It’s the fastest and easiest way to fall in love with someone. If you’re lonely and desperate, I’d really recommend contacting your local Walter White, then hanging out in an alley somewhere. Anytime an attractive person walks by you, let them know you’ve got some meth you’d like to share with them. Sooner or later, someone will take you up on your offer, and the next thing you know, you’ll have someone to share the rest of your life with. This dating method works like magic."

Montreal Police are warning citizens to be careful while walking out late at night. “In recent years, teenagers have begun throwing hit & run parties,” says Sgt. Drake Teralta of the SPVM. “These parties consist of convoys of young men in expensive vehicles trolling the city looking for people to run over. I should point out that the young men are using cars their parents bought for them. These are ruthless, spoiled brats with an insatiable appetite for carnage."

Over a dozen victims have been hospitalized over the last month. “Hit and run parties are more popular during the summer, when the children of the rich have more opportunities to show the world that they’re worthless vermin that deserve to be exterminated,” says Sgt. Teralta. “I can only hope that Quebec experiences a revolution in the decade ahead, so that we can finally execute all the horrible wealthy brats in Montreal. If you drive around in your daddy’s red convertible looking for people to hit with it, your neck deserves a date with a guillotine."

Many Montrealers agree. “Oh man, the suburbs are just horrible,” says Diedra Collis, a plumber who moved to Kirkland decades ago, back before it was invaded by millionaires. “The children in Kirkland are beyond spoiled. I think anyone who is under 30 and lives there deserves what they get once our economy implodes and the working class decides to eat the rich. Walk around Kirkland late at night, and some rich brat will try to run you over, guaranteed. The police don’t do anything, because rich people don’t have to follow the law like everyone else."

Sgt. Teralta agrees. “I hate the spoiled brats who live in Kirkland as much as the next person, but my hands are tied. Their parents have money, and that means we can’t do anything to them. Orders from up on high: the law is only there to police the little people."

Diedra says she’s hoping the revolution comes soon.

“It’s not only Kirkland that’s suffering from these little tyrants. The entire city is living under the thumb of the rich. They have absolutely no empathy. They don’t care. They think trying to hit people with their cars is funny. You know what I think is going to be funny? The day they wake up and find an angry mob at their front door. If the rich don’t start policing their children, they will have no one to blame but themselves when the people rise up against them and start chopping off their heads."

Sgt. Teralta says that if rich people don’t start reigning in their kids, it’s only a matter of time before a class war erupts. “It’s not just that rich people have no empathy, it’s that they are also incredibly stupid,” says Sgt. Teralta. “You don’t keep poking a bear with a stick and not expect it to lash back. If the rich let their children organize hit & run parties, than the rich deserve to see their children die at the hands of a violent mob. And when that happens, we’re going to sit back and let it happen."

The paediatric world is in turmoil over a controversial new parenting technique that’s pitting doctor against doctor: is raving good for children? On the one hand, studies have been piling up advocating the health benefits of EDM Parenting Techniques, on the other hand are old school doctors who claim that the science behind the studies is bogus.

“EDM Parenting Techniques pose a real threat to the health and wellbeing of children,” says Dr. Kyle Renner. “The techniques, if you can even call them that, are beyond the pale. They basically encourage nine year olds to drop LSD and dance to Skrillex. What does that have to do with parenting?"

Everything, claims EDM Parenting Techniques enthusiasts. “In the late 1990s, my friends and I developed a whole set of practices that made raving kid friendly,” says EDM Parenting Techniques founder Lucy Lumine. “We were so happy to see how well our children responded to the raving lifestyle."

In the late 1990s, countless young women were knocked up during drug fuelled encounters with fun fur wearing men. These women struggled with parenthood. They wanted to rave to the grave, but they didn’t want to be bad mothers, either. That’s when they made a compromise: they’d raise their babies to be ravers.

Scientists were intrigued by rumours of the EDM Parenting Techniques success, and began studying Lumine’s methods in earnest. “We thought that giving toddler’s cocaine and encouraging them to dance all night would be bad for them,” says child psychologist Erik Berrington, “but our studies showed the opposite. Cocaine and all-night dance parties aren’t bad for children, they’re good for them. Really, really good. I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to say that not bringing your kid to a rave is a form of child abuse. It’s on par with not feeding them. Kids need hard drugs and loud music in order to grow into healthy, well adjusted adults."

Dr. Renner disagrees. “I swear, our Universities are increasingly worthless. If Mr. Berrington has a Ph.D, that tells us something about how credible Ph.Ds are. I hope parents are smart enough to realize that not all scientists are created equally. Some of them are frauds and if you follow their advice, you’ll live to regret it."