Marcel Leroux, a 24 year old pet food taster, fell to his death yesterday after tripping over a passed out drug addict at Club Gemseins. The club is located in the old port in an old stone building that’s been around since the city was first settled several hundred years ago.

“Some guy was passed out drunk beneath the window,” says bartender Jed Simms, “and Marcel didn’t see him. He walked right over him like he wasn’t there, he lost his balance, and then crashed right through the window like a cartoon character. Except when he landed on the ground, he didn’t get back up. He just died. All the hours I spent watching Saturday Morning cartoons were a lie. The truth is, if you fall out a window after tripping over a drunk person, you’re life is over. Literally."

Experts agree. “I’ve spent my entire life studying the science of falling to your death after tripping over drunk people,” says drunkologist Peter Schmidt. “The fact is, tripping over drunk people can be lethal. A surprising amount of people die ever year as a result of tripping over drunks. Over in Germany, they passed a law that made tripping over drunk people illegal. That’s how serious it is. Of course they make laws against everything in Germany. They even have one that says it’s illegal to make commercials that feature women smiling in kitchens. Germans are crazy, but they’re right about tripping over drunk people. It’s dangerous, and since it’s dangerous, it should be illegal."

Marcel’s funeral will take place August 2nd at Cathedral Checktonstep.

Montreal’s nightlife has been languishing for nearly a decade now. There isn’t a week that goes by without a club shuttering it’s doors or a rave promoter getting carted off to jail for indecent exposure.

The sorry state of this city’s party scene has lead to the creation of a new organization, The League of Concerned Party People. The LCPP have spent the last two years trying to figure out how to save Montreal’s nightlife, and they believe they have the answer.

“Wrench fighting will fix everything,” says LCPP founder Gerald Christie. “We’ve discovered that cities where young men engage in brutal acts of violence towards one another are statistically more likely to have kick-ass party scenes. We've started organizing wrench fighting clubs because Montreal's party scene will only improve once it becomes more dangerous."

Wrench fighting clubs are like boxing clubs, but with wrenches. “We put two people in a ring, we arm them with wrenches, and then we let them beat the shit out of each other,” says Gerald. “It’s exactly like boxing, except without any of the rules. Or safety precautions. And people use wrenches instead of fists. But other than that, it’s exactly the same thing."

Gerald and the LCPP believe that the wrench fighting matches will have a trickle down effect on the rest of the city. “Creativity is an act of violence,” says Gerald. “There’s a reason the famous anarchist, Michael Bakunin, said that destruction was also an act of creation. Because it is. In order to create, we must destroy. The two acts are linked together, different sides of the same coin. By encouraging people to destroy each other, we believe that they’ll be more likely to create new and wonderful things. Deliberate acts of violence will lead to the creation of new music genres, new clubs, new parties, new everything. Wrench fights will revitalize Montreal and curb the slow and quiet death of our party scene."

Many old school ravers agree. “There’s a reason that Montreal’s party scene was booming back when the biker gangs ran everything,” says party promoter Dallas Gauthier. “And that’s because bikers know how to party. People who don’t live dangerous lives don’t create interesting art. Montreal’s nightlife needs more danger, and wrench fighting offers us that. Bring on the blood sports!"

A mysterious kayak full of crystal meth was discovered on the shore of Cap Saint Jacques over the weekend, and police are baffled by it. “Last month, police in Florida discovered a motorized surfboard full of cocaine,” says Sgt. Jake Morgan of the Montreal Police Force. “That makes sense, it’s a cheap way for people to smuggle cocaine into America. The kayak that we discovered wasn’t motorized. It was just full of crystal meth, like there was a lot of it, the kayak was simply overflowing with the stuff. It would have made Walter White salivate, that’s how much crystal was in that kayak."

Many Cap Saint Jacques citizens have their own theories about where the crystal meth came from. “I believe it was an offering to nearby wood spirits ,” says pagan hippie and crystal meth enthusiast Sparkles Betterglow. “The Cap is sick with capitalism, and only an offering of a kayak full of crystal meth will heal its sickness. There’s a good samaritan out there, possibly a pagan chemist, who as trying to make the world a better place by feeding it with meth."

Other people have less outlandish theories. “I think someone in the West Island broke bad, but then had a change of heart,” says school teacher Tanaka Mori. “They couldn’t go through with becoming meth dealers, so they abandoned their narcotics in the woods, the same way a mother might abandon her newly born child on the door steps of a church or an orphanage."

Californian bartender Fabio Fibonacci was arrested over the weekend after two of the customers he served, a lesbian couple, had drunken sex at their apartment. The police charged Fabio with rape under California’s controversial affirmative consent law, which asserts that women are incapable of consenting to sex while under the influence.

“When the police were approached by one of the lesbians who regretted her night of drunken sex, they did the only thing California law allowed them to do: they arrested Fabio for her rape,” says Fabio’s lawyer Basil Peddleton. “In California, if a male bartender serves beer to drunk lesbians and they end up having sex, he’s on the hook for having made that happen. Thanks to affirmative consent laws, we are increasingly living in a country where women are no longer held responsible for their own actions. We are regressing to the Victorian era in the name of gender equality. It’d be hilarious if it wasn’t so tragic."

California democrats disagree. “Is it sexist to believe that men are always responsible while women are always irresponsible?” asks Senator Drew Garrey. “No, it’s not sexist, it’s just plain old common sense. We need to pass laws that treat women like feeble weaklings, because that’s what they are. Anyone who thinks that men and women should be treated equally under the law is actually a misogynistic bigot who deserves to be shunned and shamed and chased out of civilized of society."

Fabio disagrees. “All I did was what I was paid to do: get people drunk. Now they’re blaming me for my customers having drunken sex. They went to a bar, I served them beer, but because they’re women, they’re not responsible for their actions, I am. It’s insane. The world has gone nuts,” says Fabio. “If you’re a male and you live in a Western country, get the hell out while you can. Politicians are starting to squeeze the vice on regular men, passing laws that are so thoroughly stupid that sooner or later, there’s going to be hell to pay. You don’t want to be here once the bill comes due."

Concordia’s Liberal Art & Authority Student Union has come out swinging against mixed gendered environments, and is calling for the University to ban dancing and displays of public affection between men and women.

“As anyone who has taken a liberal arts class at Concordia knows,” says Union president Chris Tékon, “we live in a patriarchy, and as a result of the patriarchy, it is structural impossible for women to give their consent to anything in our society so long as they live under male oppression. That is why dancing must be banned, that is why kissing must be banned, that is why male/female relationships must be banned."

Most students at Concordia agree. “Women need to take their power back from men,” says gender studies student Nicole Bradwaithe. “All women are victims of male oppression, and the only way for us to end that is by recognizing our victimhood. We need to realize that it’s impossible for us to have consensual sex in a patriarchal society. All PIV sex, that is to say penis-in-vagina sex, is rape. It is rape because men are our oppressors, and if they are our oppressors, we cannot have consensual sex with them. That is a fact. If you believe in patriarchy, you have to also believe in it’s consequences: that all sex is rape. Dancing is rape. Kissing is rape. All male/female interactions are rape. Intersectionality akbar!"

Chris agrees. “We believe that Concordia will only be safe for women when men are no longer allowed on campus, but until that happens, we’ll be satisfied with banning all inter-gender interactions. We encourage women to avoid their oppressors."

Chris says that his union is ready to enforce the ban on dancing and PDAs. “We don’t need permission to do the right thing,” says Chris. “If the students vote no on our proposal, we’ll do it anyways. Anyone who opposes us is on the wrong side of history and they deserve what’s coming to them."

The Liberal Art & Authority Student Union has purchased stylish brown shirts, which it will be giving to a select crowd of Gender Enforcement Agents, who will begin policing Concordia for deviant sexual behaviours. “Women and men engaged in flirting, touching, and other oppressive behaviours will be sanctioned and punished,” says Chris. “Social Justice demands their compliance."

Montreal’s Hyperdrank Creations has scored a massive business hit with Big Woof, the world’s first dog saliva based energy drink. “We wanted to invent something entirely new,” says Hyperdrank president Ellen Chiotte, “and so we decided to turn dog saliva into a hip beverage that young people would love to drink. Flavoured dog saliva. It’s tasty, it’s healthy, and it will wake you up. It’s caffeine & sugar free, but drinking it will feel like you’re snorting a line of cocaine off your lover’s ass."

Ellen knew that Big Woof would be popular with kids, but she never realized how popular. “Big Woof is the pokemon of Energy Drinks,” says business analyst Aleja Gomez. “It’s popularity is through the roof. Everyone under the age of 21 loves it. No exception. If you don’t drink big woof, you’re a social pariah that no one wants to be friends with, it’s just an insanely huge phenomenon."

No one knows exactly why Big Woof is as inexplicably popular as it is, though that hasn’t stopped people from coming up with their own theories. “Everyone loves dogs,” says veterinarian Heidi Braun, “so it’s not surprising that flavoured dog slobber would be a hit. The only thing i’m surprised by is that it took this long for someone to monetize dog spit."

Clubs and raves have caught the hint, and these days buying a bottle of Big Woof at a party will cost you less than a bottle of water does. “It’s a bit like in France, where it costs less money to buy wine in some restaurants than it does to buy water. Big Woof is wine for millennials. When we’re out with friends, we don’t want to drink a glass of red wine, we want to hit back a bottle of cherry flavoured Big Woof."

Club Grosbitte is bringing a taste of Stockholm to Montreal with it’s new menu of mouldy delicacies that some people find disgusting, but other’s find positively scrumptious. “I got the idea after visiting Stockholm last year,” says club owner Lucius Renard. “I ate at this food truck that specialized in selling intentionally mouldy meals. I had a ripe, rank burger there and it was heavenly. The moment I sank my teeth into that slab of rotten meat, my heart skipped a beat and I knew I had to bring the mould experience to Montreal."

Foodies around the world are saying that mould is the next frontier of tasty treats. “2016 is going to be the year of mouldy food,” says professional trendspotter Henrietta Bobbitt. “We’re going going to start seeing a lot of bars and clubs offer mouldy snacks to their customers. Mould is hip, it’s young, it’s provocative, it’s dangerous, it challenges people, it’s taboo. It’s a marketer’s dream come true."

Lucius agree. “Mouldy burgers are so in right now,” says Lucius. “Business at Club Grosbitte has doubled since we implemented are mouldy menu. We’re not even a restaurant, our focus has always been on serving phat beats over tasty treats, but the response to our burgers has been so positive that we’ll start offering an entire range of mouldy eats."

“Mould is organic, it’s low cost, it’s healthy, and it has a low carbon footprint."

Club Grosbitte’s chef, Champ Ignonpoilu, believes that mouldy food deserves to be more popular. “Mould is organic, it’s low cost, it’s healthy, it has a low carbon footprint, and it’s delicious,” says Champ. “When you’re eating a mouldy burger, you’re not just making your stomach happy, you’re making the world happy. You know the mould was grown right here in Montreal, locally. We didn’t have to import it from China or anywhere else. All we had to do was leave the burger out in the sun for a couple of weeks, and voila, you’ve got a tasty delicious mouldy burger."

Club Grosbitte is open seven days a week from 8pm to 3am.

Notorious Quebec city promoter Étienne Plotte was arrested over the weekend in what police are calling a case of revenge gone wild. “He tried to hire a prostitute to harass and stalk one of his business rivals,” says Sgt. Jean Guy of the Quebec Police Force. “Unfortunately for him, he ended up hiring an undercover police officer instead, so we arrested him."

Dominique Sovereign, Étienne’s target, says that he’s suspected someone was hiring prostitutes to follow him around for awhile now. “I was at a candy store when a woman in a skimpy outfit came up and propositioned me,” says Dominique. “I might be a party promoter, but that doesn’t mean women are in the habit of throwing themselves at me."

Police say this isn’t the first time that people have hired prostitutes to stalk and harass their enemies. “In the 1960s, General Motors hired hookers to foliow Ralph Nader around in the hopes that they could take pictures of him in compromising, reputation ruining situations,” says Sgt. Jean Guy. “We believe Mr. Plotte was also trying to ruin Dominique’s reputation."

Dominique finds the entire situation hilarious. “If Étienne thought he’d ruin my reputation by revealing I sleep with whores, than he wasn’t very smart,” says Dominique. “I love whores. I’d rather sleep with a professional who knows what she’s doing than a pure and virginal woman. Hell, if my enemies are paying women to sleep with me, that’s pretty awesome. I hope more enemies start following in Étienne’s footsteps."

Quebec physicians are baffled by an outbreak of the dancing plague, a rare disease with no known cure, struck several regions across the province. Thousands of Quebeckers have taken to the streets to dance, and many of them are incapable of stopping.

“We’re worried that this is a repeat of the great dancing plague of 1518,” says Dr. Rael Porvrai. “In that epidemic, 400 people in Strasbourg took to the streets to dance. It lasted for weeks. Many citizens died from exhaustion, others from heart attacks. They literally danced themselves to death."

Quebec’s dancing plague might dwarf the original of 1518. “Today, over a thousand Quebeckers are already suffering from dancing fever,” says Dr. Porvrai. “If the disease continues spreading, we believe that ten thousand people will be dancing in the streets by the end of the month. After that, we’re looking at an apocalyptic dancing scenario. It’ll be like walking dead, but with more dancing and EDM."

Gaetan Botine, Quebec’s Health Minister, is working with experts around the world to help study and understand the bizarre danciang outbreak. “We need to know why people are dancing uncontrollably,” says Gaetan. “Is it an airborne virus that’s making them dance? Is it bacterial? Is it just because it’s the summer and it’s beautiful outside and life is pretty great? It’s a mystery, and we’re going to solve it or die trying."

Gaetan says that Quebeckers who have the urge to dance should be careful. “If you find yourself dancing and don’t know how to stop, make sure to call 911,” says Gaetan. "They’ll help you get the treatment you need. Dancing is fun in moderation, but the dancing plague takes it to an unhealthy extreme."

The world famous Traveling Polyamorous Twin Orgy, or TPTO, is coming to Montreal, an event so exclusive that only identical twins are allowed to attend. “Growing up, my brother and I both knew that we were destined to create something majestic,” says TPTO co-founder Bruce Ludwig. “And that something was a giantworld traveling orgy that was exclusively geared towards twins. Sure, there’s a bit of twincest involved, but really, we just wanted to experience the tripped out aesthetic of being in a room full of naked twins having sex. There are a lot of fun stuff you can only do with an exact body double.”

Don Ludwig, Bruce’s twin, agrees. “Man, last year we all took LSD and had our twin orgy in a house of mirrors,” says Don. “It was insane. This year, at the Montreal orgy, we’re going to be using video cameras, television sets, and projection screens for a different kind of balls-to-wall experience. Our orgies are the stuff of legends because for us, it’s not just about twins having sex, it’s about creating the illusion that an army of look-alikes are engaged in mass sexual intercourse. We’re the David Copperfield’s of the orgy scene. We put the magic in travelling polyamorous twin orgies."

Twins don’t have to related in order to take part in the fun. “Natural doubles are accepted,” says Don. “If you find someone who looks exactly like you over the internet, you’re both free to join us for a night of sexual debauchery."

Some people are so intent on attending the orgy that they’re willing to get cosmetic surgery. “We’ve had several people who went under the knife, changed their faces so they looked exactly alike, all for the privilege and having sex the Twin Orgy way. They said it was worth it. And they were right."

The Traveling Polyamorous Twin Orgy will be taking place July 26th at the Montreal Exhibitionist Salon. Tickets cost $45, only twins and look-alikes can attend.

Medical researchers at Montreal’s Cévrai Hospital have released a new study that shows what many new mothers have known all along: giving birth leads to a drug high that feels a lot like ecstasy.

“When a woman gives birth, her brain is flooded with a cocktail of intoxicating hormones that make her feel like a million dollars,” says lead researcher Tabar Naködecalis. “I think that’s natures way of making up for the pain of childbirth . Once the baby is out, the brain throws itself a party, and manufactures its own supply of drugs, so many drugs that the hours after giving birth, women often feel like they’re Andy Dick in a Nevada whorehouse."

The researchers theorize that postpartum hormones could be used to create new and exciting drugs. “Once we learn why female brains produce postpartum drug cocktails, we might be able to reverse engineer the process,” says Tabar. "Best case scenario, we’ll figure out innovative ways to fight depression. Worst case scenario, evil gangs of ne’er do-wells might start kidnapping pregnant women and then sucking out their postpartum brain juice using terrifying dystopian machines. Ravers at parties will no longer get high on MDMA, instead they’ll drink fluids that were forcibly removed from the skulls of pregnant women. This is a very real concern of ours, which is why our research needs to proceed with caution."

Ravers for their part deny that they would ever want to drink the brain fluids of pregnant women. “That’s just evil,” says 18 year old party kid Louis Katel. “I’d rather just buy cocaine from a south american drug cartel. I’m ethical, y’know."

Montreal promoter Keith Derrick is winning plaudits from bon pensants across the world after he paused his last party at 3am in order to hold a rape culture seminar. “His idea of bringing gender sensibility training to dance culture was a brilliant and boundary pushing innovation,” says Gerald Ludwig Bonderschnauser The Third, an aristocratic white man from San Francisco. “By pausing his party and forcing his audience to contemplate the oppressive patriarchal privilege that infuses our society, Keith was reminding people that rape culture isn’t something you can escape. It’s everywhere, and since it’s everywhere, we are all obliged to stop enjoying ourselves. We must immiserate one another in order to liberate each other from the death grip of patriarchy. So long as patriarchy persists, raving is a distraction from the struggle. And the struggle is all that matters. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go fire my butler. He served me kale salad when I had asked him for quinoa, and that’s simply not something I can abide. The help these days, they’re the foot soldiers of the patriarchy."

Keith Derrick says his innovative breakthrough came to him one day while he was snorting several lines of cocaine in the back of his car. “I had this coke induced epiphany,” says Keith. “As a promoter, I’m often accused by people of being a degenerate scumbag who profits off vice and sin. That’s accurate, but it’s not the whole picture. I’m also vain and petty and enjoy pretending to be a decent human being, and that’s why I wanted to take advantage of the latest cause du jours in signalling that I was an upstanding member of the community. In 2012, I would have paused the party to talk about KONY, but in 2015? Rape culture is where it’s at. That’s how you let people know that you’re deep, empathic, and compassionate."

Keith said he paused the party at 3am for thirty minutes of sensitivity training. “I asked all the men in the crowd to meditate on how they’re all potential rapists,” says Keith. “I told them that there’s an inner rapist living in every man, and the only way to keep
this inner rape monster from breaking out and raping everyone and everything in its path is by teaching men not to rape. Because if we don't learn not to rape, we’re just going to go out and do it. We have to be taught not to be terrible, preferably by someone with a liberal arts degree."

Lucky for the audience, Keith had invited a critical theorist to attend the event. “Aleja Gomez is a student journalist at Concordia,” says Keith. “He’s read a handful of English translations of French post-modernist philosophy, which makes him eminently qualified to talk about rape to a room full of strangers. Aleja was a real barn buster, the absolute highlight of the night. I think he really taught all those men about how they're inherently sinful, and the only thing standing between them and their urge to rape all the women they see is the benediction of a liberal art graduate.”

Keith says that after today's rape culture hysteria passes, he’ll come up with a new way to show off his political bonafides. “I think it’s really important for us to treat politics as a fashion statement,” says Keith. “If we end up actually caring about things and thinking about them in ways that involve genuine compassion, empathy, and understanding, we might actually make the world a better place and that would be terrible."

Dozens of ravers are dead after an earthquake hit Goa over the weekend. “The epicentre was right in the middle of a psytrance party,” says seismologist Henry Hicks. “We’re lucky it was a relatively small quake, otherwise a lot more people could have died."

The loss of life was quickly seized on by religious fanatics and feminists, who both claimed that the earthquake was divine punishment for the skimpy clothing that party goers were wearing.

“God was punishing the whores,” says Rev. Paul Wiggums of the Great Church of Everlane Baptism. “He was punishing the whores for dressing like whores, he was punishing the whores for dancing like whores, he was punishing the whores for being whores. God hates a sinner, and they were sinning in Goa, and now they’re dead, and they’re dead because God hates them. But I love God, and he loves me, and he’ll love you too if you just obey and submit and recognize his divine authority. God is glorious, God is great."

Rev. Wiggums wasn’t the only fanatic blaming their deaths on divine retribution. Feminists joined in, calling the earthquake punishment against those women who internalized patriarchy by dressing up in oppressively skimpy attire.

“The women at that rave were willingly objectifying themselves for the benefit of the male gaze, and Mother Earth punished them for their sins. What happened wasn’t an earthquake, it was Mother Earth smashing the patriarchy,” says feminist geologist Hon Epawp. “People need to understand that the term earthquake was invented by white cis-hetero males in an attempt to deny, minimize, and obscure our planet’s acts of feminist dissent. The earth doesn’t quake, instead, it screams out at male oppression, and it shifts its tectonic plates in anger at white male privilege. Intersectionality akbar!"

Intersectionality akbar is a common phrase among feminists who, ever fearful of offending mother earth, militantly celebrate the divine and immutable truth of intersectional feminism, which they believe is the very faith of the planet itself. “Our scholars discovered the One True Way while studying at prestigious Ivy League universities,” says Hon. “They divested themselves of their illusions and discovered the true nature of reality thanks to literary theory, which they used to unravel the mysteries of Mother Earth. Out of the goodness of their hearts, these scholars now offer their wisdom to the unwashed masses in order that they may be saved and made whole again. Intersectionality akbar!"

Hon says that it was literary theory that revealed the intersectional truth of oppression. “It’s a truth that rules over us as the sun rules over the earth, and as the earth rules over us,” says Hon. "The Buddha said that life is suffering, but Herbert Marcus, and Bell Hooks, and Cornel West have all shown the Buddha the error of his ways. Life is suffering, yes, unless you are a white male, in which case you are the oppressor and must be punished by the forces of Harvard, and the forces of Yale, and the forces of Stanford, and the forces of Oxford, the four forces which embody the true knowledge of Mother Earth. It has been written, and what is written, must be. Ululululu, kill all men, ululululu, especially the white ones. Intersectionality akbar!"

Culture studies graduate and online journalist Baruth Jennings agrees. “In the absence of feminism, which is The One True Way, there is only barbarism and domination. Mother Earth, peace be upon her, will continue to punish the unbelievers until they accept Bell Hooks into their heart, and realize that only by kneeling before Ivy League Liberal Art Graduates can they hope to find salvation in this world and in the next. Listen to us and believe. We are the light, the way, and the holy truth. We care for you, and that is why you must follow us, otherwise we will make you walk the walk of shame, where you will be purged of your disobedience and learn to submit to our rule. Intersectionality akbar."

Healthy well adjusted people find both feminists and religious fanatics to be a little bit crazy. “I remember when crazy people used to be ignored,” says Pepper Ridgefarm. “Now, they write for newspapers."

The Montreal police are warning ravers to be careful when they go out, after learning about a new gang that’s terrorizing the city’s night life. “They call themselves the Toothfairies,” says Sgt. Bruce Morgan of the SPVM. “They wander the streets of Montreal, looking for party goers to assault. Once they find a victim, they steal all their teeth by using brutally violent extraction methods. We won’t go into details, but suffice it to say, it’s not pretty, but it’s effective. If you get targeted by the tooth fairies, you’ll need dentures."

So far, police say over a dozen ravers have been rendered toothless by members of the gang. “We’ve heard rumours that street gangs are starting to use raver teeth as a new form of currency,” says Sgt. Morgan. “It’s like a more sociopathic version of bitcoin, but instead of mining coins with computers, they’re mining teeth by punching ravers in the face and than pulling out their pearly whites."

Police say that the teeth are then traded for drugs, guns, and sexual favours. “As more and more people start trading goods and services in exchange for raver teeth, going out at night to party and dance will become increasingly dangerous,” says Sgt. Morgan. “We hope that the presence of this new threat will help ravers re-evaluate their lifestyle choices. Perhaps instead of dancing at all night parties, they should consider studying for school, or working on a new business, or reading books about tax accounting. All of those activities are safe and don’t put people at risk of having all their teeth removed by roving gangs of brigands."

Ravers, for their part, say that they’re undeterred. “Even if violent gangs do steal all our teeth, that won’t stop us from dancing” says Greg Butterfeld, a 23 year old raver from Montreal Nord. “Raving is life, dancing is life, music is life. Teeth? They’re a luxury. And besides, toothless people give way better blow jobs. In some ways, the tooth fairies are actually doing ravers a favour."

Ravenews is a labour of love, drugs, and EDM. It wouldn’t exist without a complete and total disregard for common decency. At Ravenews, we have no shame — and neither should you.

We were all thrown into the Universe without getting much of a say in the matter. Some of us landed into cozy situations, many of us did not. None of us, however, asked to be here. Now that we are, we shouldn’t waste a single second of our lives apologizing for it or for anything else that’s beyond our control.

Life isn’t easy — for anyone. Robin Williams was a wealthy comedian who was loved, respected, and adored by millions. That didn’t stop him from struggling with depression, it didn’t stop him from getting sick, and it didn’t stop him from taking his own life.

Buddha said that life was suffering, but there are a lot of people out there, especially liberal art graduates, who believe otherwise. They think life is only suffering for some people, and that thanks to their political enlightenment, they believe that they are in a position to judge the authenticity of your pain.

We at Ravenews reject the idea that pain can or should be judged. We believe that pain is incommensurable, that we all suffer in our own way, and that the moment we begin to compare one another’s suffering, we lose the ability to empathize and to feel compassion. In other words, the moment we judge another person's pain, we kill our ability to empathize with that pain.

We started this site to poke fun at journalists who wrote sensationalist stories about ravers. Journalists love a good scare story, and ravers have provided a lot of fodder to them over the years. The 90s were the golden age of Raver Danger stories, and while newspapers carry fewer of these stories today, they still publish them with hilarious consistency. Newspapers wanted people to look down on ravers. They were profiting off the creation of shame.

Journalism has always been a shit show — it’s never been a respectable business. Newspapers thrive on drama, and drama thrives on shame. They antagonize, belittle, provoke, incite, and enrage. That’s their modus operandi. They’re not in the business of sharing useful news, they’re in the business of manipulating people by making them angry and afraid.

In the past, readers could escape the hatred and fear mongering they read in the news, but now there is no escape. Thanks to Twitter and Facebook, the fear and the hate never end.

Journalists are professional assholes. They shit on people for a living. There’s a reason studies show that psychopaths are attracted to careers in journalism. What happens when all these psychopaths start congregating online, networking with each other, creating a giant echo chamber full of sycophantic rage addicts who eat up their every word? We believe that journalism, when combined with social media, fosters intolerance and promotes violent rhetoric.

Journalism is, at its heart, abusive. It relies on drawing out negative emotions from people, and hence profits from misery and suffering. Social media, on the other hand, is about connecting people. When you combine journalism with social media, you get people connecting over commodified misery. The journalists have an incentive to create more misery, since the more misery they create, the more attention they get, the more attention they get, the more ad dollars they make.

We know that newspapers and the journalists they employ have weaponized and commodified shame, and thanks to the internet, we know that it’s harder for us to escape their shame machine.

This is why Ravenews would like to encourage everyone to reject the shame machine, the journalists who run it, and the readers who enable it.

It doesn’t matter what race you are, what gender you are, what god you pray too, or what you do with your private parts. You have no reason to be ashamed of yourself, and if anyone tries to make you feel bad for being who you are, recognize that they have appointed themselves your judge and jury, and then tell them to fuck off.

You are valuable, you deserve to be treated with dignity, and your feelings are legitimate. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

The Nomadic Beat Collective is giving new life to the old business of door to door sales. Instead of selling tupperware or encyclopedias, Nomadic Beat sells on demand music mixes. “We’re like the Avon Ladies of EDM,” says Nomadic Beat Collective founder Alfredo Pennywerther, “but instead of giving people silky smooth hands, we give them silky smooth beats. You’re at home minding your business, working on your spreadsheets, when suddenly you hear a knock at the door. It’s us, with our turn tables and music mixers. Give us ten books, and we’ll turn your boring afternoon into a mind blowing rave."

Nomad Beat offers customers a variety of musical and dance related services. “You can buy a thirty minute DJ set for twenty dollars, we’ll throw in a strobe light and disco ball for an extra fifteen. For a hundred dollars, we’ll get down and twerk it as we work it on the turntables. Shaking that ass while giving you mad bass."

The idea behind Nomad Beat Collective might seem quixotic, but Alfredo says his company is in it for the long haul. “Right now, we’re just selling PG-13 dance parties, but once marijuana and prostitution are both legalized, and our lobbyists our working hard to make that happen, we’re going to offer people the full rave experience. We’ll smoke a bowl, then suck you off while you’re dancing to Goldfrapp. Eventually, we want to be able to sell people MDMA, crystal meth, and existential shame."

Business analysts are convinced that Nomad Beat Collective has a bright future, but only if their lobbying efforts succeed. “If Canada legalizes both the drug trade and prostitution, then the infrastructure Alfredo is building up right now will become insanely profitable,” says Bert Bunglevanger of the Royal Institute of Extreme Business Excellency. "He’ll own the largest door-to-door vice company in the country. He’s banking on the fact that changing moral values will one day enable him to sell people what they really want: music, good drugs, and easy sex. Imagine door to door drug dealers and prostitutes? That’s the kind future I want to invest in."

Perry Hilton, a 24 year old South Shore mechanic, has become an internet superstar after a video of him drinking his own vomit was posted on to youtube. The video in question was filmed at his best friend’s bachelor party. Perry and a dozen other men participated in the age old tradition of getting thoroughly trashed in honour of their lost brethren, Mitchel White, who had chosen perdition and pussy over dignity and freedom.

“I got totally hammered,” says Perry. “I couldn’t help it. I was about to lose my best friend to marriage. I’ll never Mitchel again. Marriage murders friendships. That’s a scientific fact. Getting married is the same damn thing as dropping a nuclear bomb on all your closest relationships. None of them will survive the marriage."

Despondent and depressed, Perry started to pound back the beers. “I drank and I drank and I drank some more,” says Perry. “I don’t remember the night too clearly, which was the whole point of my drinking so damn much. Eventually, I was so out of it, that I started puking every few minutes."

Perry’s friends found his constant vomiting hilarious. “He’d empty out his stomach into his beer glass, then go write back to drinking,” says husband-to-be Mitchel. “It was amazing. He was so out of it, he didn’t realize what he was doing."

Internet commenters agree. “Oh man, videos of drunk people drinking their own vomit will always be hilarious!!” says professional youtube commenter UrMoMsAwH0RE. “I wish more people would post golden moments like in on to the internet. It’s important to immortalize people’s most embarrassing moments by sharing them with billions of strangers."

Perry doesn’t remember drinking his own vomit. “If they hadn’t filmed me, I would never have believed it,” says Perry. “I think posting that video was a bit of a dick move on Mitchel’s part, but I’m okay with it because it stands as a warning to everyone else out there. When you let your friends get married, there’s a good chance you’re going to get so drunk that you’ll drink your own vomit. It happened to me, don’t let it happen to you. Friends don’t let friends get married."

34 year old Montreal promoter Mason Dixie passed away this weekend after he choked on seagull droppings. “He was dancing at tam tams with his mouth wide open when a seagull dropped a deuce right down his throat,” says Benningworth Cobblesmidt, the first paramedic to arrive on scene. “Unfortunately, by the time we arrived, he had already taken his last breath. There was nothing we could do to help him."

Mason isn’t the first person to die by choking on seagull droppings. “Seagull feces are one of the leading causes of summer time deaths,” says Benningworth. “It’s much more common than people realize. Every year, thousands of people around the world choke to death on bird shit."

Seagulls kill far more people than sharks do, says animalogist Betty Cooper. “I think it’s intentional,” says Betty. “Seagulls are the quiet, soft spoken serial killers of the wild. No one expects them to be as deadly as they are, but they’re out there, eating our bread crumbs, flying over our heads, just waiting for the perfect moment to drop liquid pellets of doom on to the world. Every day people die beneath the seagull's lethal white rain."

Seagulls are such potent murder machines, that they are now being weaponized by the disgruntled and deranged. “Over in Belgium, there was a case of an angry psytrance producer releasing a hundred seagulls at a dubstep event,” says interpol commissioner Veronica Andrews. “Dozens of ravers died of seagull related asphyxiation. It was one of the worst dance related acts of terrorism in human history."

Betty says that there’s not much people can do to put an end to the seagull terrorism. “We share this planet with deadly animals that want us dead,” says Betty. “The only thing you can really do is make peace with your own mortality and accept the fact that sooner or later, you’re going to die, and it might be because a flying rodent defecated in your mouth."

The Montreal Police are asking ravers not to transform crime scenes into party scenes after a rave erupted Friday night at the location of a triple homicide. “Dozens of teenagers showed up with a sound system, strobe lights, and beer kegs,” says Sgt. Annie Glum of the Montreal police. “They had heard about the murders by using an iOS police radio application, and decided it’d be a great place to have a dance."

Ravers across America have started turning crime scenes into raves with alarming frequency. Known colloquially as Crime Parties, ravers will locate the scene of a recent murder, wait until the police are gone and the bodies are out, then call their friends over and dance the night away.

“We found out about the Friday incident by sheer luck,” says Sgt. Glum. “I had forgotten my wallet at the scene of the crime and went to pick it up, which is when I found the ravers dancing on what had been, hours earlier, a bloody site of death and misery."

No one knows why ravers love dancing at crime scenes. “I don’t understand it. No one at our precinct understands it. It’s a new trend. Teenagers are really weird,” says Sgt. Glum. “I hope this doesn’t go mainstream. It’s hard enough catching criminals as it is, and now we have to worry about ravers on MDMA dancing around our crime scenes."

Montreal’s nightlife scene is still adjusting to the increased popularity of clubbing among adults who are over fifty. “We’ve had to change quite a few things about how we organize our parties to accommodate older patrons,” says promoter Kyle Berlin. “Club owners and event organizers across the city are truly going above and beyond in order to capitalize on this trend. The fact that raving isn’t for kids anymore is great. The more people party, the better our parties will become."

Promoters like Kyle have switched their parties up and have begun to incorporate generation specific attractions into their events to appeal to people of all ages. “These days, it isn’t uncommon to find people playing bingo, backgammon, or bridge at a rave,” says Kyle. “And that’s just for starters. Now that we’ve created environments that are welcoming to older people, we’ve expanded our ability to cash and profit. We don’t just sell water bottles and energy drinks, we now also sell metamucil, weather’s original candies, and blu-ray’s of Matlock."

Younger ravers say they’re happy to be partying with their elders. “I think the whole selling metamucil thing at parties is kind of condescending, but I’m happy that people in their fifties and beyond feel welcomed at our raves,” says Bridgitte Mason, a 24 year old raver. “When I’m older, when my hair is grey and the wrinkles have set in, I hope that I’ll still be welcomed at raves. This isn’t something I ever want to grow out of, and I think it’s important for us to embrace people of all ages, genders, races, and orientations. Raving should be as inclusive as possible. This is about celebrating life, about really enjoying yourself, and there’s no reason why older people should be shut out of our events. I hope this trend keeps up."

Kyle agrees. “Raving isn’t just for teenagers anymore. Everyone’s welcome at our parties. No exceptions."

Faisal Manning, a 32 year old Montreal man, is recovering from shock after naked intruders broke into his apartment. “I was on the computer arguing with someone on Facebook when I heard a large crashing sound coming from my living room,” says Faisal. “I went to investigate it, and I couldn’t believe what I saw.”

Three naked men had broken a window in Faisal’s living room, climbed through it, and set themselves up on his couch. “I was in a state of shock. You think, in a situation like that, that i’d have started yelling at these guys, or calling the police, but instead, I just stood there with my jaw open.”

According to Faisal, the men acted as if nude breaking and entering were a perfectly common place, every day affair. “Eventually, I managed to utter several choice expletives at my unwanted naked interlopers,” says Fail. “I told them to leave, and they just told me to relax, that it wasn’t a big deal. Then, after telling me to calm down, they started to beatbox.”

The sight of seeing three strange naked men beat boxing in his living room was so bizarre, Faisal thought he was on drugs. “I still have trouble wrapping my head around what I saw,” says Faisal. “I just can’t even begin to understand the chain of events that could possibly lead three people to do what those guys did.”

Faisal didn’t allow the beatboxing to go on for very long. “I told them that I was calling the police, and they just kept beatboxing as if it was no big deal,” says Faisal. “The police, for their part, thought I was just a crank caller. The whole episode was a nightmare. By the time the police finally arrived, the naked beatboxers had ran out of my apartment. If it wasn’t for video footage from a neighbour’s security camera that caught them on their way out, the police might never have believed me.”

The police are warning Montreal residents to be on the lookout for three naked men.

Dentists across Montreal are raving about Drum & Bass after the successful launch of their Oral Hygiene/Aural Hygiene campaign. “Dentistry hasn’t evolved all that much over the last few decades,” says Amir Khaledra, the president of the Quebec Dental Supremacy Foundation. “We wanted to change that, so the dentists of Montreal got together and cooked up a new way to make dentistry exciting again. The result was our OHAH campaign, where we turn a trip to the dentist into a party."

As part of the OHAH campaigns, dentists have started playing Drum & Bass music during dental sessions. “You wouldn’t think that raving and dentistry go well together,” says Montreal dentist Yvette Couteau, “but they do! In fact, I feel that dancing to DnB while I operate on my patients has really improved my skills as a dentist."

Customers agree. “I used to dread going to dentist,” says former meth addict Brianna Grace, “but ever since my dentist started playing drum and bass during our appointments, I just can’t wait to go and have what’s left of my teeth checked out."

Rave Promoters are getting in on the act. “We’ve started inviting dentists to perform check-ups at our parties,” says party promoter Yoga Biddleson. “And ravers really seem to love it."

“I hadn't been to a dentist in years,” says 23-year-old McGale student Lee Sania. “But then I saw a dental booth at the EDM party I went to last Friday, and I said what the hell, you only live once. It was the best dental check-up I ever had. I was tripping on MDMA, the music was blasting, and there was a dentist all up in mouth. It was fantastic."

Raver dentistry has been so popular, that Amir says dentists across North America have been calling him to ask about it. “I think you’ll start seeing more and more dentists opening up booths at parties and clubs throughout the rest of Canada and the United States,” says Amir. “Dentistry just levelled up."