Concerned citizens across Canada are wrestling with the moral implications of a new trend in raving: organized hobo fighting. The last three years has seen an explosion in the popularity of hobo wrestling matches at parties. It’s gotten so bad, that promoters for large events routinely scour their cities looking for homeless people they can recruit for their events.

“At this point, you can’t really call a party a rave if it doesn’t involve hobo wrestling,” says party promoter Denton Hogan. “DJs expect their sets to be accompanied by a hobo wrestling match, and many of them will refuse to play at a party if this isn’t the case. No hobo violence, no music. That’s the new unspoken rule among DJs in Canada. It’s kind of depressing.”

Hobo wrestling matches have become increasingly elaborate since they were introduced, with newer fights taking place in giant iron cages that ravers call Hobo Boxes. Companies have even sprouted up in order to build custom hobo boxes for more demanding promoters “Our most popular hobo box, the Hobonator 3000, features electric bars, rotating chainsaws, and nozzles that squirt out liquid crystal meth at anyone nearby,” says hobo box maker Cliff Kilovich. “It’s a real work of art that’s guaranteed to titilate and excite even the most jaded raver.”

Urban psychologist Dr. Geordie Nickerson says that no one should be surprised by the hobo boxing phenomenon. “Raves reflect the collective id of those who attend them, and now that our society has entered into a period of moral decline, it’s only natural that ravers would begin hiring homeless people to fight each other,” says Dr. Nickerson. “The id of your average raver has deteriorated, become more savage, moral brutal. The little voice in the back of his lizard brain, the one that controls his impulses and instincts, it now craves blood and destruction because your average raver now lives in an environment that is self-destructing. Our society is collapsing, and with it the moral checks that kept our ids in line. Hobo boxing will be with us for as long as the moral center of our civilizations remains loss. Don’t blame the ravers, blame society.”

The public is clamouring for a clamp down on raving after yet another citizen lost their eyes in a feral raver attack, making them the 404th victim this year. “It’s getting out of hand,” says Vancouver police commissioner Ray Riley . “Every week, four or five people have their eyes gauged out by ravers, and no matter how many parties we shut down, no matter how many DJs we throw in jail, the attacks just keep on coming.”

Commissioner Riley has officially asked the federal government to label raving a terrorist hate movement. “This is no longer a police matter,” says Riley. “Ravers are dangerous and pose a serious threat not only to the people of Canada, but to the Canadian state itself. Today they’re gouging out eyeballs, but tomorrow they’ll be gouging out democracy and our right to vote. The only way we can put an end to raver terrorism is by treating ravers as enemy combatants engaged in a holy war against Canada. Ravers are a threat that only the military can fight. They’re just too much for the police to handle.”

Terrorism expert Guro Kuu agrees. “Ravers are the EDM equivalent of the Taliban,” says Mr. Kuu. “The so-called rave scene is really just a hyper militant theocratic community hellbent on replacing Canadian democracy with Plurocracy, the rule of ravers. Say goodbye to liberal democracy and hello to plurology, the religion of peace, love, unity, and respect. When ravers gouge out the eyes of non-believers, they believe they’re doing it for the sake of plur. They’re blood thirsty fanatics who will plunge our country into chaos if they’re not stopped.”