Researchers at The Quebec Institute of Urbanological Studies have released a damning report that shows that Montreal causes drug addiction. “We have iron clad evidence that shows that moving to Montreal dramatically increases your chance of turning into a meth head,” says lead researcher Dr. Beryl Roll. “Six out of ten people who move to Montreal develop a substance abuse problem, which towers over the drug abuse problems of other Canadian cities."

Dr. Roll says that other cities have their own problems, but that Montreal’s are in a league of their own. "If you move to Toronto, chances are you’ll just become a boring person with a desk job, a love of processed foods, and a deep hatred for artists or living a meaningful life. If you move to Montreal, though, chances are you’ll become a drug addicted hooker who is always hungry for blow. Your mouth will be constantly searching for new genitals to explore while your body will crave an endless supply of narcotics."

Police say that Dr. Roll’s study will help them craft new ways of dealing with drug offenders. “I think it’s important for us to realize that cities have individual cultures,” says Sgt. Annabell Lecter of the SPVM. “And hence, we can’t police Montreal the way we’d police Toronto. If our city has a culture that promotes drug addiction, prostitution, and wild debauchery, than we need to tailor our policing strategies to reflect our unique culture."

Dr. Roll says that Montreal’s drug fuelled ways aren’t necessarily a bad thing. “Sure, if you move to Montreal you’ll probably wind up in a alleyway giving blow jobs to strangers so that you can keep buying meth,” says Dr. Roll, “but what’s wrong with that? I think most Montrealers would rather be drug crazed sex fiends than boring office workers. Drugs and prostitution are fun. Being boring isn’t. I think it’s okay that Montreal causes drug addiction. We shouldn’t shy away from that fact, we should advertise it."

The Montreal Tourist Board has taken Dr. Roll’s advice to heart and will begin unrolling it’s new ‘Try Crystal Meth In Montreal!' marketing campaign over the coming weeks.

Half a dozen ravers were arrested over the weekend in what police are calling a terrifying act of brutal violence. “They tortured a DJ for playing dubstep ,” says Sgt. Peralta of the Montreal Police Force. “Thankfully, the DJ survived, though he suffered irreparable brain damage and will never play music again."

Police say that the ravers swarmed the DJ during his set. They yelled at him and asked him to stop playing dubstep. “They wanted him to play some glitch house,” says Sgt. Peralta. “When he refused and kept playing his original set, they yanked off his headphones and attacked him with his laptop."

The beating escalated until the DJ was bleeding and disoriented, at which point the enraged mob of ravers dragged him outside the party. “The event took place in a warehouse that bordered the St-Lawrence river,” says Sgt. Peralta. “Once the ravers were outside, they found an empty bucket in the parking lot. One of the ravers took off his shirt while the other attackers filled the bucket with water from the river. They then placed the t-shirt over the DJs head and proceeded to waterboard him."

Water boarding, a method of enhanced interrogation pioneered by conservative politicians, involves pouring water over a cloth placed on top of person’s face. The experience simulates the sensation of drowning.

“This isn’t the first time a Montreal DJ has been waterboarded by angry ravers,” says Sgt. Peralta. “And I doubt it’ll be the last. In the last six months alone, Montreal has had four such incidents. Our city is devolving into a dystopian post-apocalyptic nightmare. It doesn’t feel like Montreal anymore, it feels like we’re living in a Mad Max movie. Twenty years ago, we didn’t waterboard our DJs. We did the civilized thing, we just set them on fire. I wish ravers would go back to their roots. Don’t drown your local DJ, burn him."

Montreal’s inaugural Gloving Competition ended in blood and tears Thursday evening after one of the competitors had his hands cut off by a drug crazed rival. 24 year old Marcel Leroux was rushed to the hospital were doctors tried in vain to reattach his hands. Marcel is expected to survive, but he will never glove again.

Gloving is a new dance form that has taken Montreal’s party scene by storm. It originated in California back in the late nineties. It’s a dance form that doesn’t involve moving your feet, just your fingers and your hands. Glovers usually wear flashing led gloves and often perform dazzling light shows for the people who are bored enough to watch them.

36 year old meth user Vince Vawn was arrested in the attack on Marcel. Police say that Vince had been on drugs for so long, that he had lost all touch with reality. “He didn’t realize he was entering a gloving competition,” says Sgt. Batista of the Montreal Police Force. “He thought he was attending a colosseum where mythical creatures had to fight each other to the death."

The psychiatrists who examined Mr. Vawn say that he didn’t even realize he was attacking a human being. “When he took out his axe,” says Sgt. Batista, “he thought he was up against the mascot from Hamburger Helper, that talking dancing glove you see in the commercials."

Montreal Gloving Competition founder Berry Bandersnatch says that glovers are usually incredibly peaceful people. “I have never heard of a glover viciously attacking another person with an axe before,” says Berry. “I didn’t even think that gloving related violence was possible. We are such a passive, harmless group. Security at our event was minimal, but going forward, I’ll be sure to institute a No Axes Allowe policy. I’ll also ensure that future gloving competitors know that they’re not participating in a bloody fight to the death, but in a friendly jazz hands competition. I want people to know that gloving is a peaceful sport. Glovers are violent. We’re loving, caring, compassionate weirdos."

Montreal is under siege as deranged gangs of women hating video gamers continue to terrorize the city. “It’s not safe to go out at night anymore” says party promoter Basil Wassau. “Once the sun sets, if you step outside, odds are you’ll be attacked by a cis-white male dressed up as an iconic video game character. Last night, my girlfriend was brutally raped and assaulted by a man in a sonic the hedge hog outfit. He kept hitting her in the face with a vintage Nintendo entertainment system. We called the police and they just laughed at us. They said that rape wasn’t a real crime.”

The police are adamant that they will not intervene in the violence. "The Montreal police are fully committed to turning this city into a hellish post-apocalyptic nightmare,” says Sgt. Peralta. “We are not going to arrest these vicious video gamers because we endorse their actions. We are agents of the state, champions of the Illuminati, and stewards of the patriarchy. Our entire existence is dedicated to oppressing everyone, everywhere, all the time. The gamer uprising has inspired us to reveal our true colours. We’ve grown tired of pretending to care about justice. The truth is, we just want to watch the whole world burn. Gamer Akbar! Rape culture is the one true culture! Women drool, men rule! Patriarchy today! Patriarchy tomorrow! Patriarchy forever!"

Ravers aren’t taking the gamer uprising lying down. “The police approve of this video game inspired blood bath,” says 23 year old party girl Krystal Selia. “They support video gamers killing, raping, and murdering people with impunity. Yesterday, I saw a dozen people wearing Mario & Luigi masks burn down a night club. No one did anything to stop them. That’s why I’ve organized the Raver Liberation Front. If the police won’t put an end to sexist inhuman video gamers murdering people in their misogynistic war on women, than the party women of Montreal will step up and do the job for them. They want a revolution, so we’ll give them one.”

Krystal says that starting tonight, groups of ravers will patrol the city and shoot video gamers on site. “We’ll kill all the cis white males and put an end to their murderous video gaming ways. Gamer Akbar? Try gamers are dead, because we shot them all in the head with AK-47s. Payback hurts, gamer boys."

A shocking report by Global Amnesty Associates, one of the largest non-profits in the world, has revealed a terrifying statistic: over 85% of electronic music is produced by enslaved homeless people.

According to the report, gangs of business men have been kidnapping disheveled unemployed homeless men and forcing them to produce electronic music. “It’s slavery, pure and simple,” says report author Lin Jeeves. “They lure homeless men into vans with the promise of food and employment, and then whisk them away to factories in the middle of nowhere where they’re locked into tiny rooms and forced to make repetitive techno music."

Lin says that the majority of today’s techno music is made under excruciatingly dehumanizing conditions. “Each men receives a single fish head every two days. They’re not allowed to go to the bathroom, instead they have to use a bucket that they keep by their seats. Once a week, the business men spray the men down with a fire hose to keep them clean."

The average EDM slave produces one song per hour. “The reason techno has become such an awful genre is that most albums are made under a day by slaves who live bitter and violent lives."

Harvey Biswald, president of Techno Music Enthusiats Incorporated, denies that the music industry has employed an army of slaves. “When you listen to an EDM album, you're listening to pure, organic, free-trade music,” says Harvey. “No one is harmed in the making of techno music. Yes, the people who work for us are dedicated to releasing music, and yes, they only eat a fish head a day, but that’s because they’re too busy creating art to waste any time on things like food or hygiene."

Lin says that people need to pressure music labels to come clean with their abusive policies. “We need to help free these men” says Lin. “Every time we listen to an EDM album, every time we dance to a psytrance track, every time we shake our ass on the dance floor, we’re enabling slavery."

Harvey disagrees. “They’re not slaves — we prefer to call them artistic associates. They’re happy to work for us."

Dozens of women protested outside Montreal’s Club Bourgeosie on Friday night to draw attention to what they call it's discriminatory and misogynistic dress code. “They won’t let women in who don’t have high heels on,” says protester Ang Gribiva. “I thought our society had moved past this nonsense, but we haven’t. We still live a world where men can dictate what women wear."

Maxwell Longbottom, Club Bourgeosie’s owner, says that his establishment doesn’t discriminate against women. “We discriminate against slobs,” says Maxwell. “We’re a black tie club, both men and women are expected to dress appropriately. Yes, we’re old fashioned. We have a dress code and we are serious about enforcing it. Women can wear tuxedoes if they’re that committed to wearing flat shoes, but if they have a gown on, we expect them to wear heels. If they don’t like it, they can always attend one of those low class bars full of drunken hooligans and crystal meth users. We’re strictly a cocaine and bentley’s kind of place. We operate at a different level, one where women still remember how to be feminine, and men still have their balls firmly attached."

Ang says it’s exactly that kind of blunt talk that convinced her to organize a protest. “You know, I could have tolerated his dress code,” says Ang, "it’s his politically incorrect ideas that I can’t live with. Men need to learn that if they don’t police their thoughts, then activists will burn their businesses right down to the ground. Wrongthink must be purged from the world one protest at a time."

Ang says that until Maxwell learns the errors of his way and publicly repents for his wrong ideas, she and her friends will continue their protest. “Maxwell won’t receive our divine forgiveness until he opens his heart to the fact that his ideas are bad, and that makes him a bad person,” says Ang. “The key to his absolution is total spiritual capitulation before us. We are the voice of the one true way, and if he refuses to convert to our ideology, he will be cast into the fires of damnation for all eternity."

Maxwell disagrees. “Protesters are so low rent, they have no class at all. I wish people would stop treating them seriously. They’re petulant, whiney little children. The only power they have is the power we give them, and I’m certainly not going to give any power to people who dress like slobs."

Young adults around the world have embraced what many sociologists are calling society’s best idea yet: the paracetamol challenge. This herculean task involves chugging down a bottle of over-the-counter pain medicine in what doctor’s call “a death defying demonstration of youthful vitality."

Dr. Frederik Hogan was an early champion of the paracetamol challenge. “Our society has grown soft and decadent,” says Dr. Hogan. “In the old days, the young would have to undergo a rite of passage into adulthood. Today, no such rites exist, and that’s why so many of our children refuse to grow up. We live in a world where 30 years old require safe spaces when they’re confronted with words or ideas that they find offensive. An increasing number of people now live in a state of arrested development, a perpetual adolescence that never ends. The paracetamol challenge is a return to the past, a return to the days when people had no choice but to grow-up."

The idea of downing an entire bottle of paracetamol isn’t a smart one, and that’s why it’s so brilliant, says sociologist Rita Tungsfeld. “The reason people aren’t growing up is because we’ve lost touch with our primal, irrational selves,” says Rita. “The key to saving society from itself is encouraging people to behave like self-destructive imbeciles. If they survive, they deserve to live, but if they die, the rest of society will be better off. It’s Darwin in action."

The young adults who have taken part in the paracetamol challenge aren’t interested in overarching theories that explain their thoughtless risk taking. “Look, I’m not swallowing an entire bottle of pain killers because I want to grow up,” says 23 year student jackass James Butterscotch “I’m swallowing that bottle so I can brag about it online. I love all the attention I get from complete and total strangers i’ll never meet in real life."

19 year old florist Mary Zenia agrees. “I took part in the paracetamol challenge because I wanted more shares and retweet,” says Mary. “My self worth is measured by online adulation by people i’d almost certainly hate in real life."

Rita doesn’t care about what the paracetamol challengers say. “As a sociologist, I'd never let the facts get in the way of a good theory,” says Rita. “That’s how we progress as a society."

Doctors who are actually good at their jobs are imploring people to not take the challenge.

Controversial Quebec developer Guy Goring isn’t a stranger to public enmity, and his latest plan is sure to raise hell if he succeeds in following through with it. His idea is as simple as it is offensive: he’s going to build an anglophone concentration camp theme park. “I have this idea of a place where people can go and beat up the English,” says Guy. “I think it will be very popular. And, I want to clear this up before the press goes crazy with accusations. This theme park will be entirely consensually. There will be no coercive violence. Think of it as a kind of 'fifty shades of anglo', a place were masochistic anglophones can go to be treated terribly."

Guy says the inspiration for the park came to him after he was introduced to the existence of vocal, self-hating English progressives. “I never knew about this white guilt concept, it’s a very English idea,” says Guy. “When I found out that English progressives hated themselves as much as I hated them, I realized we could come to a mutually beneficial arrangement. I could arrange to have people physically and emotionally abuse them and they could feel better about themselves by being abused. Everyone wins."

Guy expects to make a lot of money monetizing the self-loathing of English speaking progressives. “The English left believe that it’s impossible for white people to be oppressed,” says Guy. “I’m okay with this line of thought to an extent, because if it’s impossible to oppress white people, then it’s impossible to oppress the English. I’ll take my silver linings where I can. If my theme park is successful, I hope it will pave the way to an even larger social project: I want to make it legal for people of colour to own English progressives as slaves. It would help balance out our karmic debt, it would provide English progressives with the spiritual salvation that they so desperately crave, and it would lead to an increase in tourism as wealthy people from around the world flock to Quebec to own an anglophone of their very own. If i can legalize the ownership of anglo progressives, I hope to transform my theme park in to North America’s premiere white slave market."

Many people are excited about the theme park’s potential. “As an marginalized oppressed person,” says John Smith, a ginger haired British man who converted to Islam two weeks ago, “I look forward to finally being able to beat up some white people. I’d rather have the opportunity to attack all whites, but beggars can’t be choosers. i’ll settle for the English for now. I truly believe that this theme park will really help bring people of all nations together in a way that puts the social into social justice."

Guy says that his park will offer all sorts of fun activities. “We’ll have a tar & feathering station, a gimp room, a colosseum where anglophones will be forced to fight each other, various kinky torture devices,” says Guy, “It’ll be fun for the whole family. We’ll also have roller coaster rides, a ferris wheel, an on-premise hotel, and a dance club that will provide the best quality EDM this side of the Atlantic ocean. If you’re looking to beat up the English in a legal, consensual setting, our theme park will be at the top of your vacation destination list. We won’t let other white people hurt the english, but that’s okay, non-english whites will be able to sponsor people of colour who can’t afford to travel to the park. You might not be able to beat up the english personally, but you can enjoy the knowledge that you’ve helped an oppressed person of colour smack some anglos around."

Tens of thousands of masochistic English progressives have already signed up as volunteers. “As a white person who has absolutely no self-esteem, I deserve to suffer incredible indignities,” says liberal art graduate Michael Roberts. “I didn’t learn much in University, but I did learn that."

Guy is happy that he did. “God, I love English Universities. I don’t have to convince the English that they’re terrible people, because their Universities have already done that for me. This theme park is going to make me a billionaire, and that would never have happened without their help. As an anglo-hating bigot, I want to thank all the liberal art programs across America. You've helped me find a way to make my bigotry socially acceptable. I'll do it by funding hateful proxies that you're not allowed to criticize because of your twisted, ass backwards post-modernist logic. Thanks!"

The Anglo Concentration Camp Theme Park will open in 2018. Order early bird tickets today by calling 1-800-Yo-Whitey.

Dozens of West Island parents were shocked after learning that their teenage children were taking part in an electrifying new trend: taser parties.

43 year old critical theorist Penderwick Snoot, who studies ridiculous nonsense for a living, has been spreading the word about taser parties ever since he first discovered their existence while researching his book “I hate myself but at least I have a liberal arts degree”.

“As a critical theorist, I live a parasitic existence. I am a completely, totally, and utterly useless human being that no one will ever love,” says Penderwick. “In order to cope with the fact that my liberal arts degree makes me unloveable, I spend all my free time on the internet looking for people to belittle and insult. I’ve compiled my best flamewars into a book which should be released in 2018. A morose teenager discovered my online vitriol and liked it so much, they invited me to a taser party. Like most liberal art graduates, I have very low self-esteem, so I never say no to an invitation. I’ll hang out with anybody, even 14 year olds. Anyways, the taser party was an eye opening experience."

According to Penderwick, teenagers in affluent neighbourhoods have started organizing parties where they spend hours electrocuting each other. “They don’t dance, they don’t listen to music, they just shock each other,” says Penderwick. “They advertise and organize their parties exclusively via the internet. Most of these events are small gatherings of twenty to thirty privileged teenagers who are struggling with the fact that, as white people in North America, they are the living embodiment of injustice and oppression. They know, in their bones, that they all deserve to die, but they lack the intestinal fortitude to kill themselves. Instead, they just torture each other in the hopes that their acts of electric contrition will absolve themselves of the sin of having been born."

Doctors have corroborated the existence of taser parties. “We have noticed a definite surge in teenage taser victims over the last year,” says Dr. Baudlebraughthaka of the Montreal Stemlord Hospital. “I guess I’m supposed to say that I hope parents will help educate their children about the dangers of playing with electricity, but at this point, screw it. Our society seems hell bent on committing suicide, so why not help push it along. If these kids want to destroy themselves, its their funeral. As a doctor, I’m sick of these idiots wasting my time. If you’re dumb enough to electrocute yourself on purpose, you don’t deserve to live."

Penderwick agrees. “I look forward to a world where everyone hates society as much as I do,” says Penderwick. “The idea of living in a world where everyone hates everybody and we all want to die? That makes me happy."

Police are asking the public for help in identifying a dozen mystery babies that were abandoned at an outdoor psytrance party. “We have no idea where these children came from,” says Sgt. Morgan of the Montreal police force. “What we do know is that ravers discovered the babies early Sunday morning around the time that their illegal party was wrapping up. One of the party goers noticed several burlap sacks placed near the entrance of the party. Upon investigating the bags, they realized they were full of crying babies. The sacks themselves had the words ‘Raver Babies Forever’ written on them. At the moment, that’s all we have to go on."

The ravers at the party are equally baffled. “No one has reported the babies missing,” says party promoter Gregg Hugbawks, “so it’s not like they’ve been kidnapped. Is there some kind of twisted baby making factory out there somewhere? And if so, why would the people behind the factory just drop off a dozen babies at a psytrance party? None of it makes sense."

Police agree. “It doesn’t make sense, and we hope to crack the mystery,” says Sgt. Morgan, "Right now, we are deeply concerned about the circumstances surrounding these babies. Our first priority is to reunite these children with their mothers, which is why we’re requesting that anyone who has any information about them please get in touch with us immediately. We can’t do this without the public’s help. The sooner we can find the mothers, the sooner we can ensure their safety."

Ravers, for their part, are worried about what the future holds. “There’s something creepy going on,” says Gregg, “and for one reason or another, whoever’s behind the abandoned baby incident has decided to make ravers a part of their sick, twisted game. Babies aren’t toys. They’re tiny human beings! I hope they catch the person behind this. Otherwise, who knows what we’ll discover at our next rave."

Montreal Police officers are calling Edward Gibbon’s Canada’s older raver after arresting him for partying too hard. “He threw a rave at his apartment,” says Sgt. Peralta, “and didn’t inform his neighbours. They were less than amused when the techno kept blasting far past midnight."

Edward’s neighbours are usually accommodating of his eccentricities, but this time they feel he went too far. “I like that he lives his life like he’s never going to die,” says Mary Winston, who lives next door to the party fiend. “However, it does bother me when he goes overboard. We live in a quiet residential neighbourhood in the west island. We’re not the rave capital of Canada. When he start blasting psytrance at 3am and teenagers are passed out on drugs on our lawn, I have to put my foot down."

Edward, for his part, remains unrepentant. “I’m going to die soon anyways,” says Edward. “I’m not going to go out quietly. When I die, I’ll be high on LSD, with a 19 year old woman’s lips around my cock and my brain completely melted to mush by some rip-roaringly loud EDM. You only live once, and I’m nearing the end of my ride. Fuck y’all bitches for getting up in my business. If you’re not living hardcore, you’re not living at all, and I’m going to squeeze every last drop of passion out of my wrinkle old body. If you want to put me in jail, I say bring it on."

The old raver's antics has won him admirers from around the world. “I want to grow up to be as cool as Edward,” says 22 year old Australian Malek Bosworth. “He’s 84 and he’s still partying his ass off. You can be an old and frail and still have it going on. It’s inspiring. Getting old doesn’t mean you have to get boring."

Malek loves Edward so much, he started a church in his honour. “The Church of Edward puts raving front and centre,” says Malek. “We worship the party of life, and believe that fun, fun, fun is number one. If you’re not having a good time, you’re sinning in the eyes of the lord."

Police have decided not to charge Edward, but have warned him to be more mindful of his neighbours in the future. “Like hell I will,” says Edward. “Those pussies should be at my apartment with me dancing their sad little asses off. The reason I blast my music so loud is because I want everyone to dance with me. And if you’re not going to dance, you’re going to suffer."

Half a dozen clubs in Montreal are experimenting with Stall Quickies, a new internet enabled dating service. Bathroom stalls at participating clubs have been equipped with touch screens that feature eligible bachelors and bachelorettes in attendance at the venue. Users in the club are alerted when their picture have been approved and are then sent a picture of the person in the bathroom stall. If they approve of what they see, they don’t have to swipe their phone, they just have to go to the bathroom and knock on the appropriate stall door.

“We wanted to make it easier for people to have sex in our bathroom stalls,” says club owner Patrice Wanitestan. “We realized that we could use technology to make something that used to be low class, high class. Now people don’t have to feel ashamed about sneaking away to have sex with strangers in dingy and disgusting bathroom stalls. They can feel pride knowing that we not only sanction their act of public debasement, we encourage it."

Clubbers have already been quick to embrace the application. “I’ve always had a thing for bad sex that left me feeling ashamed of myself in the morning,” says Henrietta Stark. “Thanks to Stall Quickies, it’s not easier to throw my self-respect right out the window than it’s ever been."

Many men share her praise. “I’ve always wanted to get herpes,” says Corey Rift, “and now thanks to Stall Quickies, I can! Heck, I plan on collecting all the STDs out there. They’re like pokemon, and I want my collection to be complete. Everyone should try Stall Quickies."

Patrice says he’s happy that the service has been such a hit with clubbers. “We plan on conquering the world,” says Patrice. “Every club on earth will one day have Stall Quickies installed in their bathrooms. We’re going to take the guess work out of finding someone at a club to have sad, desperate sex with. That’s why people go clubbing in the first place. Sure, people say they party for music, but that’s like men who say they read playboy for the articles. We know what you really want. To fill some empty holes. Including the one in your soul."

Politicians across Quebec are pleading with parents, asking them not to bribe their children with cocaine and blow jobs. Their entreaties are, however, falling on deaf ears. “Unfortunately, they’re refusing to listen to common sense,” says Dr. Beverley Thibault, a family therapist at the Montreal Vraisencrist Hospital. "Hundreds of families in Montreal have adopted a mad new parenting fad where children receive cocaine and blow jobs from escorts in exchange for doing chores around the house or receiving high grades."

Dr. Thibault says this fad started deep in the trailer parks of Florida, where parents often resort to unconventional child reading methods to deal with their unruly spawn. “Yeah, we used to just beat the shit out of our kids,” says Earl Smith of Gainesville, “but one day when my son was acting up, I just threw an eight ball of coke at his face in anger. To my surprise, it calmed him right down. He started behaving like a good boy. I started experimenting, and soon my son was getting straight As in schools and our trailer was the cleanest on the lot."

Earl wrote a book about his experience, “High Families: How to Raise Good Children with the Help of Cocaine and Prostitutes”. The book was a surprise hit, and quickly sold out across the nation. “The cocaine and hookers family plan works,” says Earl. “Sure, it’s not pretty, but life rarely is. The truth is, kids like cocaine and they like getting laid. Even girls like sex — don’t think you’re daughter will turn down a night a well hung stud. There’s no romance in the boudoir, especially when cocaine is involved."

Parents in Montreal are raving about the excellent results they’ve been getting with the Earl’s cocaine and hookers method to raising children. “My son use to be at the bottom of his class,” says desperate housewife Vivian Calice. “Today, he has straight As and was recently accepted to Harvard University. That never would have happened without the help of cocaine and whores."

Dr. Thibault says that parents are sacrificing the long term health of their children for short term gains in behaviour and academic performance. “Children who are raised on a steady diet of cocaine and commodified sex will probably grow up to be dysfunctional,” says Dr. Thibault. “We don’t know. No research has ever been done on the subject. We are in uncharted, drug fuelled territory."

Ravers who are tired of dancing while standing have cause to celebrate — in a few months, Montreal will be hosting Ground Fest, the world’s first ever ground party. “Standing is overrated,” says event organizer Edsel Andrews. “We wanted to shake up the party world by bringing it back down to earth. At Ground Fest, people are forbidden from dancing while standing. Anyone who break’s that rule will be kicked out with extreme and possibly violent prejudice. If you want to get your groove on, you’ll have to do it by lying down and wriggling on the ground."

Tickets for the event have already sold out, as party goers hungry for something different bought them up in record time. “I think it’s a fantastic idea,” says 32 year old fluffer Luke Magnon, “the most enjoyable activities already involve lying down. Sex, cuddling, being beaten by the police, none of those involve standing up. People complain that parties haven’t evolved, so it’s always nice when someone tries something different. I’m excited to experience raving from an horizontal perspective. What does dancing feel like when you’re on your back? That’s a question I look forward to answering."

Edsel says the idea for Ground Fest came after witnessing an online video of a man in Goa who danced like a manic while lying flat on his back. “He looked like he was having so much fun,” says Edsel. “And I thought, you know, we should try that in Montreal. We should try dancing without our butts ever leaving the ground. Let’s shake our asses, not in the air, but in the dirt."

Since no one has ever organized a party quite like Ground Fest, no one knows what to expect. “I’m pretty sure there’s going to be a lot of sex,” says Luke. “After all, if dancing is a vertical expression of an horizontal desire, as Robert Frost claims, then what happens if we just jump right to the horizontal position?"

Edsel says if the party if a success, she’ll organize more. “I’d love to have an outdoor ground party during winter,” says Edsel. “It’d be like snow angels, techno, and frostbite all mixed together into wonderful mix."

Can you live off a diet of dubstep and despair? 33 year old unemployed screw-up Jason Dwyer has decided to find out. “I woke up yesterday and realized that I didn’t need to eat food anymore, I didn’t need to drink water anymore, I didn’t need any of that nonsense,” says Jason. “All I ever needed was dubstep and despair."

Starting effective immediately, Jason will no longer go to work, bathe, or even get out of bed. “All I’m going to do is listen to dubstep while stewing in my own quiet desperation,” says Jason. “As far as life plans go, I think this two step strategy of mine will lead to some very positive outcomes. I’m really excited at what my future holds."

Lisa Lannigan, Jason’s ex-girlfriend, agrees. “I've always worried that he wouldn’t find his way in life,” says Lisa, “but now that he’s found his purpose, I find him so much more attractive. His new found ambition turns me on and really gets me going. I think I might have been wrong about breaking up with him."

Henry Dwyer, Jason’s 65 year old father, is happy that his son has finally figured life out. “I’m glad he’s found a goal worth pursuing,” says Henry. “It takes a special kind of bravery to dedicate your life to listening to dubstep while quietly wrestling with feelings of pain and hopelessness. I’m proud of my son, I’m proud of his courage, and I’m proud of the man he’s grown into. God bless him."

Jason is happy that people believe in him, but he doesn’t think that his mission will be an easy one. “My goal will require hard work and dedication, but I’m committed to seeing it through. I promise to spend waking hour of my life to listening to dubstep while feeling a deep sense of despair."

A new trend is unsettling party goers across the island of Montreal, and party promoter Bayle Xenon says people are going to have to get used to it. “Yes, we are seeing the first bionic ravers enter the party scene,” says Bayle. “People are now resorting to weird, technological bioimplants to improve their raving experience. They’re literally turning themselves into party machines."

The Bionic Raver movement is still young, but it’s impact is quickly being felt. “Last time I went to a party, I saw a woman who’s skin glowed in the dark,” says 23 year old raver Patricia Arquette. “She had implanted some kind of protein that made skin look radioactive when the lights are turned off. She was a mutant. Who messes with their body like that?"

Glow in the dark ravers are just the beginning. Soon, we can expect ravers with all sorts of artificial limbs and powers. “I know a mad inventor in California who's working on a crazy bionic implant,” says Bayle. “It measures your adrenaline levels and whenever your energy starts to sag, it injects a smart drug called modafinil directly into your blood. Soldiers use that to stay up for days during critical missions where sleeping might get you killed. Soon people will use robotic modafinil delivery systems to be non stop dancing machines who can party for days and days without having to sleep."

That’s not the only bionic implant. “I saw another raver at a party who had a camera grafted to the back of her head,” says Patricia. “It was wired to her occipital cortex and gave her 360 degree vision. She could see things from the back of her hair. She said she got it so that she could experience new ways of dancing."

Bionic freaks will become increasingly common at Montreal parties, and many ravers don’t know how they feel about it. “We’re going to replaced by cyborgs,” says Bayle. “Soon there will be parties that you can only attend if your body has been upgraded with robotic enhancements. We’re ravers 1.0 and we’re becoming obsolete."

Montrealers are scratching their heads as a Chinese funeral practice makes it way to the city. More and more people are hiring strippers and DJs to work at funerals in order to ensure that people actually show up. “The funeral business is getting cut-throat,” says mortician Maggy Morgana. “It used to be that people would show up at your funeral out of a sense of moral obligation, but as our civilizations becomes increasingly decadent and corrupt, more and more of us simply can’t be bothered to show up at the funerals of our friends and family. Enter the Funeral Media Entertaintment complex. Now, if you want people to visit you before you’re buried, you need to entice them with strippers and techno music."

The practice of hiring funeral strippers got so out of hand that the Chinese government had to ban the practice. “Even though it’s against the law in mainland China, that hasn’t stopped people from pimping out funerals,” says Maggy. “Dying is boring, so it’s perfectly natural that people would want to dress it up with tits, ass, and EDM."

The rise of pimped out funerals has given birth to an entirely new form of partying known as funeral crashing. “Funeral crashing is like wedding crashing but with naked women, good music, and dead bodies,” says 23 year old professional funeral crasher Monty Cantsin. “The great thing about funeral crashing is that people die everyday, which means that the parties never end. I love the fact that people are pimping out funerals. It means i’ll never get bored again."

People have become so obsessed with decking out the funerals of loved ones, that DJ business is booming. “I used to have a lot of trouble making ends meet,” says DJ Spankeriffic, “but thanks to this new funeral trend, i’m booked seven days a week. Sometimes i even play multiplie funerals in a single day. I love funerals man. Funerals used to be dull, but now they’re hardcore."

Not everyone is a fan of this new trend, however. Rev. Noah Phillips says he thinks it’s sacrilegious. “We truly are living in the end of times,” says the reverend. “When people take pleasure in morbidity, what hope does our society have?"

Religion in Quebec isn’t dead, but it continues to struggle as people across the province turn their backs on faith, causing countless churches to shutter their doors in the face of heathenism.

Despite the stunning collapse of religion in Quebec, not all churches are in trouble. Some of them are doing blockbuster business, as people who are struggling to find meaning in their lives turn to lesser known faiths for their salvation.

The success of Rev. Pierre Grossekeu of the Cathedral of the Golden Phallus shows that religion doesn’t have to die out, it can still prosper, even in a secular society like ours. The reverend has seen the popularity of his cathedral explode over the last five years, as Montrealers thirsty for the seed of faith flock to his church in growing numbers.

“We’re having trouble accommodating all the people who want to attend our services,” says the reverend. “We attribute the massive success of our church to our raver outreach program. Every month, we throw a free EDM party where young people can come and dance to good music while learning about the glories of living a just and compassionate life based on moral rectitude and rock hard cocks. We lure them in with a chance to shake their ass to some fantastic techno music, but we capture their hearts with our message of divine love. The penis is peace. The penis is joy. The penis is glory. Amen."

The Cathedral of the Golden Phallus isn’t Montreal’s only penis worshipping church.
The Temple of Priapus, to name one example, has been around for decades and has chapters across North America. “We’re not affiliated with the Temple of Priapus,” says the Reverend. “We consider our own church part of the Christian faith. We may both worship the cock, and we may both believe in the divinity of the phallus, but that’s where our similarities end. Our church, for one, believes that Jesus Christ inhabits every penis and that drinking male semen is the true way of eating the holy host. By accepting a penis into your mouth, you accept Jesus into your heart. It’s a belief that resonates with a lot of young people. We put sex front and centre at our church. Sex is good, sex is god."

Ravers who are interested in cock worship can attend the Cathedral’s next party June 23rd at City Hall’s Roche Dure complex.

Feminists have struck up an alliance with poorly endowed men as both groups are outraged by promotor Shawn Banquise’s Big Dicks Big Tits Party. “I have a thing for women with really large breasts,” says Shawn, “and I happen to know that many large breasted women have a thing for men with really large penises. I decided to throw a party that would bring both groups together. Big Dicks, Big Tits is the first party in the world that helps size queens meet chest fiends."

Melissa Mammaire, a busty DD beauty and proud size queen, says she’s happy that someone is finally organizing parties for women like her. “When you go to a club, you never know how well endowed the men are going to be until you bring them back home,” says Melissa. “At a Big Dicks Big Tits event, all the men have to show their erect penises to the bouncer before they’re allowed to enter. There’s no surprises at these parties, all the men are packing heat, and all the women have ample mounds. If you like big tits and you have a big dick, or vice versa, you’re going to have a good time."

Feminists and men with small penises find the parties offensive and degrading to women. “I am thoroughly outraged by the way Shawn Banquise is objectifying the delicate female sex with a coarse event that embodies toxic yet well endowed masculinity,” says Shiro LeCavalier, a 32 year old journalist. “I am angry and upset that we live in a society that tolerates these events and even more angry that I am not allowed to attend."

Many regular men are saddened that they can’t attend the Big Dicks Big Tits party, but most of them take it in stride. “Eh, the average size penis is 6 inches,” says averagely endowed McGale student Pierce Broggan. “I don’t think we should get upset if some women get turned on by large penises or if some men get turned on by large racks. In the event, I think there’s enough sexual variety in the world for everyone to find a partner that satisfies them, and I’m happy that we live in a society where people have the freedom to pursue the things that attract them. Yes, Montreal now has Big Dicks Big Tits party. Big deal. Instead of protesting these events, why not organize alternatives. Host a Small Dicks, Flat Chests party or a Ugly People are Beautiful event. Whatever floats your boat."

Activists and poorly endowed men say that this line of thinking is dangerous. “If lesbians can get off without using a penis, why does it matter if my member is only two inches?” asks Shiro. “I think it’s offensive that men objectify women’s chests and I think it’s offensive that women discriminate against men with tiny penises. It’s not our fault, we were just born that way. The government needs to make sexual discrimination based on chest & penis size illegal. Everyone’s entitled to love."

Years ago, the team at Ravenews had a silly dream — to create a site that made fun of the journalists who pushed exaggerated stories about the dangers of raving. Ravenews has never been a real news site. Our stories might be truthy, but they’re never true. They’re nonsense. Each article we write is really a commentary on the vapidness of the mainstream media. We make fun of moral panics. Ravenews is our way of pissing on the professional journalists who demonize partying in pursuit of easy outrage.

Journalists sell fear to the rich and to the bourgeoisie. Who are they afraid of?

You.

People who don’t follow the rules, who colour outside the lines, who dress a little weird and who listen to loud music.

You frighten the ruling class.

We wish were joking.

You terrify them so much, they won’t even let you dance in public.

Late last month, the organizer of Montreal’s weekly Music @ The Gazebo event was told by bureaucrats at city hall that he would have to shut it down. He has spent years organizing these free events to help promote local DJs. After speaking with city officials, the organizer was left with the impression that while they appreciated his efforts and would enjoy working with him on other events, they didn’t appreciate the crowd he was currently attracting.

In other words, if the Music @ The Gazebo dance gatherings were attracting wealthy yuppies, the kind of people with money to burn, they might not have been cancelled. The city claims they’re shutting the event down because it was too noisy. Anyone who has ever been to one of the Gazebo events knows that you can barely hear the music once you reach the sidewalk.

The problem isn’t that the events were too noisy — the problem is that the people making the noise were too poor. Not all sounds are created equally, some are more equal than others. In Montreal, the rich can be as loud as they want, but the poor need to know their place.

When the poor dance and the working class shake their ass, the bureaucrats at city hall clutch their pearls and scream “Ben non, on peux pas laisser les pauvres danser!”.

The Gazebo events attracted a wide range of people. Not everyone was poor or working class, but enough of the people dancing their butts by the Gazebo were too rough around the edges for the haughty functionaries that have shut the event down. There is a political dimension to noise. A class division we often ignore. It’s there, even if we don’t want to face it.

Noise is good. Noise is healthy. Everyone, and we mean everyone, has the right to rise up and shout their truths at the world, regardless of their race, their creed, their gender, their sexual orientation, or the size of their damn bank account.

The parks of Montreal do not belong to the people at city hall. They do not belong to the elected representatives who claim to act on our behalf while always acting in their own self-interest. They do not belong to the business tycoons bent on commodifying every last drop of freedom we have left.

They belong to all of us, but only if we’re willing to loudly assert our common ownership of these public spaces.

The Gazebo has been silenced for now, but we hope that the people who used to attend the event will continue spending their Sundays at the mountain. You don’t need speakers to be loud. And we want you to be loud enough so that the city knows you won’t be silenced.

Make your own music and sing your own truths. And if the city comes to kick you out, ask yourself this one question: if they’re this afraid of you dancing, how terrified must they be of you marching?

19 year old McGale student Merrelyn Vanderschmittle woke up to an unpleasant surprise Sunday morning when she discovered a balloon full of cocaine on her front balcony. “I had no idea what to do with it,” says Merrelyn. “I was worried that if I called the cops, I’d get arrested. I was going to flush it down the toilet, but even that made me nervous."

Eventually, though, Merrelyn settled on calling the police with her discovery. It turns out, she wasn’t the first person to call the police about balloons full of drugs. “Apparently, dozens of people across the city had also reported drug balloons to the police,” says Merrilyn. “Montreal sure is weird."

Sgt. Peralta of the Montreal Police agrees. “This city certainly is bizarre,” says Sgt. Peralta. “Someone, for some reason, unleashed hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of drugs into helium balloons at some point last week. They finally started falling back to earth all across the city. We’re not sure how many balloons were launched. We don’t even know why they were launched or who would benefit from such an outlandish and expensive project."

No one knows who sent out the helium drug balloons, but people across the city have been out hunting for them en masse. “I found a balloon with a thousand dollars worth of LSD in it,” says 23 year old drug enthusiast Keith Beaubien. “I’m never going to have to buy LSD again. I’ve got enough to last me a life time. It’s fantastic. I don’t know who the mystery drug balloon man is, but I’d like to thank him from the bottom of my drugged out little heart."

The police for their part are warning Montrealers not to keep the balloons they find. “Just because you found the drugs, doesn’t mean you get to keep them,” says Sgt. Peralta. “Drugs are still illegal. They’re bad, mm’kay. We’re asking everyone who comes across one of these balloons to immediately contact us. We’ll make sure to safely dispose of the illegal narcotic."

A disconcerting trend has hit Montreal’s party scene, as more and more promoters have decided to ban ravers from attending their events. Following in the wake of several high profile drug related deaths at BIPLO, America’s largest and most successful electronic music festival, promoters are closing ranks and shutting raver outs.

“We don’t have a choice in the matter,” says Montreal event organize Jessica Jazhanns. “After the BIPLO deaths, the police are cracking down hard on parties again. It almost feels like the hysteria of 1999 is back in full swing. In order to throw our events unmolested by the police, we’ve had to throw ravers under the bus."

Starting this summer, nearly all major promoters in Montreal will ban people from wearing raver related fashion staples at their events. “We can’t realistically stop ravers from attending our events,” says Jessica. “But we can force them to wear normal people clothing."

That mans no more masks, no drugs, no bongs, no led gloves, no pacifiers, no eye drop, no fun fur pants, no stuffed animal, no fake animal tails or ears, no machetes or syringe needles. “Seriously, when the hell did ravers start carrying machetes around,” asks Jessica. “It’s bad enough they’re always taking drugs and dancing like lunatics, but now they’ve started waving around machetes like they’re glowsticks."

Some people believe that machete waving might have been the straw that broke the raver’s back. “I don’t think the people at BIPLO would have died if they hadn’t attacked each other with machetes,” says 45 year old psytrance fanatic Harry Oldman. “Sure, they only attacked each other because they were high on bath salts, but would they have been successful in killing each other if they didn’t also have machetes on hand? I don’t think so. Raving isn’t what it used to be. Back in my day, ravers were are all about PLUR, not bath salts and machete mayhem."