85% OF EDM PRODUCED BY ENSLAVED HOMELESS MEN

A shocking report by Global Amnesty Associates, one of the largest non-profits in the world, has revealed a terrifying statistic: over 85% of electronic music is produced by enslaved homeless people.

According to the report, gangs of business men have been kidnapping disheveled unemployed homeless men and forcing them to produce electronic music. “It’s slavery, pure and simple,” says report author Lin Jeeves. “They lure homeless men into vans with the promise of food and employment, and then whisk them away to factories in the middle of nowhere where they’re locked into tiny rooms and forced to make repetitive techno music."

Lin says that the majority of today’s techno music is made under excruciatingly dehumanizing conditions. “Each men receives a single fish head every two days. They’re not allowed to go to the bathroom, instead they have to use a bucket that they keep by their seats. Once a week, the business men spray the men down with a fire hose to keep them clean."

The average EDM slave produces one song per hour. “The reason techno has become such an awful genre is that most albums are made under a day by slaves who live bitter and violent lives."

Harvey Biswald, president of Techno Music Enthusiats Incorporated, denies that the music industry has employed an army of slaves. “When you listen to an EDM album, you're listening to pure, organic, free-trade music,” says Harvey. “No one is harmed in the making of techno music. Yes, the people who work for us are dedicated to releasing music, and yes, they only eat a fish head a day, but that’s because they’re too busy creating art to waste any time on things like food or hygiene."

Lin says that people need to pressure music labels to come clean with their abusive policies. “We need to help free these men” says Lin. “Every time we listen to an EDM album, every time we dance to a psytrance track, every time we shake our ass on the dance floor, we’re enabling slavery."

Harvey disagrees. “They’re not slaves — we prefer to call them artistic associates. They’re happy to work for us."