The perpetually lonely and hopelessly single are about to have their prayers answered once Montreal’s inaugural Marriage Party kicks off this weekend. The event is the first of its kind in North America, a party that guarantees a marriage partner to anyone who walks through the door.

“Walk in single and you’ll leave in matrimonial bliss,” says Ginette Haberno, the event’s organizer. “Everyone who wants a partner will get a partner. Come to get married, stay for the psytrance.”

Ginette says the idea for her event came to her while watching a documentary on Russian mail-order brides. “I realized that you don’t need love to cure loneliness, you just need a warm body,” says Ginette. “And that’s what my marriage party is all about. Romantic love is a recent western invention. It’s only a few hundred years old, if that. In the past, people didn’t get married for love, they got married because it made their lives easier. And I think a lot of Montrealers are hungry for what marriage used to be about: a simple partnership between two people. The truth is, it’s easier to grow to love someone than it is to fall in love with them. If you spend enough time with someone, you’ll fall for them. That’s a fact."

Ginette says the rules of her marriage party are simple. “If you attend the party, you don’t get a say in who you marry, that’s up to our psytrance DJs,” says Ginette. “The moment you hit the dance floor, the DJs will start telling you who to dance with, and the moment they find a dance partner that you look good with, bang. You get married. On the spot. We have a priest who will rush on to the dance floor and officiate the marriage right then and there. Instant marriage. And of course, after you get married, you can keep dancing! It’s like the proposal, the marriage, and the honeymoon all wrapped in one delicious event."

Tickets only cost $40. You can buy yours at Le Petit Manchild Adult Daycare Centre.

Police are warning Montreal property owners to be wary of using vacation rental services in the wake of arresting Philip Pepinau, a notorious drug dealer who has used several dozen apartments across Montreal as meth labs.

“Mr. Pepinau has spent the last four years in Montreal turning short-term rental properties into make shift meth labs,” says Sgt. Mason Peralta of the SPVM. “He used GroundBnB and similar services to find suitable locations to cook up crystal meth. He would rent these apartment out for a period two weeks to two months, make several batches of poor man’s cocaine, then pack up and scout for a new location. This went on a very long time. We are working to figure out which apartments have been rented out by Mr. Pepinau in order to inform their owners about the health risks they now pose."

Police say short term rental services have enabled an entirely new class of criminal activity. “In the past, meth dealers would often struggle to find suitable locations for their dastardly deeds,” says Sgt. Peralta. “These days however, all you need to be successful as an evil chemist is an internet browser and a bit of patience, and before you know it, you too can be baking chicken feed in a total stranger’s apartment. The internet has enabled evil and empowered evil doers."

GroundBnB says that police concerns are overblown. “Okay, yah, some of our members use our apartments to make crystal meth, that’s not a big deal” says spokesperson Hetalia Denada. “It really doesn’t happen all that often. According to our in-house statistics, only one out twenty rentals involve drug dealers. Those are very good odds, much better than Russian roulette."

Melissa Babillard, a former GroundBnB hostess, says she now suffers from a host pulmonary issues after her apartment was rented out to Mr. Pepinau. “My entire apartment was contaminated by that meth lab. I ended up having to move out. Worst of all, GroundBnB hasn’t offered us any help. If you read their terms of service, they explicitly state they’re not liable if a renter turns your apartment into a meth lab."

“That’s right,” says Hetalia. “People really should read the terms of services they agree too."

Montreal DJ Kalisi Drokko was arrested over the weekend for playing 'Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting' at Les Tetons Atomique dance club. “In 2011, a British performer at a pub on the Isle of Wight was arrested for playing the song after a Chinese passer-by took offence,” says Les Tetons Atomique owner Vanessa Vanasse. “That’s not why DJ Kalisi Drokko was arrested. No, she was arrested because the song just isn’t that good. She shouldn’t have played it. She made a bad call and now she has to pay for her crime."

Under Quebec’s recently passed Aural Menace Act, DJs can be arrested for playing awful music. “Quebec is one of the first jurisdictions in the world to take aural hygiene seriously,” says Action Socratique M.P Bell Goodland. “The science is conclusive, the sounds we hear in our day to day lives play an immensely important role in regulating our well being. Good music leads to well behaved citizens who are at one with their society, bad music leads to social degeneracy, murder, and soft core pornography. We need to protect ourselves from the consequences of awful songs."

DJ Kalisi Drokko is the first person to be arrested under the act, but won't be the last. "Years ago, such a law would have been considered illiberal, even fascist, but these days laws that limit artistic freedom are championed by people on both the left and right," says professional twitter user Kyle Bonderblach. "Now we understand that artistic freedom is bad for society. We need to place real limits on what people are allowed to say, think, create, and consume. If we don’t set firm boundaries on culture, society will collapse under the chaos and cacophony of free expression. When people are free, they're free to be racist, they're free to be sexist, they're free to be unpleasant, they're free to hurt our feelings, they're free to menace our ears with unpleasant sounds. I like freedom, but not that kind of freedom. This is an issue that both progressives and conservatives now agree on. It's time to limit culture. Quebec's Aural Menace Act is a step in the right direction."

The federal NDP announced today that if elected, they would seek to implement a progressive tax on high tempo electronic music. The proposal, which was met with a mix of skepticism and support, would tax venue owners and party organisers based on the average BPM of the music played during their events. While many people are familiar with the concept of a carbon tax, the idea of a BPM-based tax has never been brought up by any political party before.

Suzanne Pinko-Schultz, MP for the electoral district of Medicine Hat, described the tax as “... a way to fund public services by making it more expensive to throw the kinds of events that play the most damaging genres of music.” She added, “It’s well-known that the health risks associated with raving increase as the speed of the music increases. Brain damage, neck injuries, hearing damage, twisted ankles, drug overdoses, all of these are more likely to occur as tempos increase. Taxing these venues based on these scientific facts just makes sense. It’s about time we woke up and realized what this music is doing to our community and did something about it. Hopefully, these increased costs will force DJs and promoters to think about the damage they’re doing to the planet and the people that live on it.”

Conservatives have already begun to comment publicly on the proposal, describing it as “misguided”, “foolish” and “some wacko communist nonsense”. Richard Knobb, economic strategist for the Conservative Party, was quoted telling a room of Tory supporters, “The economy is doing fantastic under the Conservatives. To even think about raising taxes, let alone creating a new tax, just makes me sick. I seriously want to puke. Increasing taxes during a time of prosperity just diminishes people’s motivation to succeed financially, which hurts the economy. It’s simple economics, but the New Democrats would rather have you believe that paying more taxes is somehow beneficial to you. If there’s such a thing as a good reason to raise taxes, I haven’t heard it.” A supporter in the crowd shouted out, “Right on! Why should I have to pay more just because I like drum and bass!?”, to which Mr Knobb responded, “I don’t know what that is.”

Danny Alvarez, a spokesperson for the recently formed DJ union DJ Direct Action, wrote in an open letter to the NDP: “...a tempo tax will unfairly and disproportionately affect fans of certain genres such as hardcore, speedcore and gabber, who are already among the most disenfranchised people in our society. The average speedcore DJ is already well below the poverty line, and now they want to extract more money out of them just because of the music they happen to enjoy? Just take a look at the people on a gabber dancefloor. Do they honestly look like they have any room in their budget for more taxes? Do you think it’s reasonable to take more away from those who clearly have so little?” Debra Drevor, a recently suspended NDP MLA, appeared to disagree with the sentiment of the letter, tweeting, “if u have money 2 spend on gabber, u clearly have 2 much money. it’s time for you to pay your #fairshare”.

Ravers have reacted to the proposal with disapproval and harsh words for the NDP. Longtime junglist Mike Crustington told Rave News, “It’s a bunch of bullshit, is what it is. I’m not going to pay for this shit. Those clowns can tax it all they want, I don’t even care. I won’t fucking pay it. You can lock me up and I’ll still skank the fuck out in my jail cell. I’ll be throwing up gunfingers with Martha Stewart and Wesley Snipes before I let them take any more of what’s rightfully mine.”

Menses Fest is getting rave reviews from Montreal party goers of all genders and orientations. “It’s the most primal gathering I’ve ever attended,” says 19 year old Menses fan Claudia Quim. “Imagine shaking your ass on a dance floor that’s red with human blood. It’s amazing! Everyone should experience that sensation at least once."

Free bleeding parties might be new to Montreal, but they’ve been going on since time immemorial. In their most recent incarnation, women who are on their periods wear shirts, skirts, and nothing else as they connect with the mother goddess through great music, great food, and the love of sisterhood.

“This isn’t just about celebrating womanhood,” says Menses Fest organizer Kiki Plaute. “This is about celebrating the human body, it’s about affirming that there’s nothing any of us have to be ashamed of when it comes to this vessel of ours that we were born into. So many women are taught to feel ashamed of their bodies, and Menses Fest is a giant fuck you to that nonsense. We are who are and if you have a problem with, we’ll bleed all over your face."

Party goer Henry Von Morganberg agrees with that attitude. “I'm 5'3 and have a small penis,” says Henry. “Should I be ashamed of that? No, I don’t think so. No one should be ashamed of what the mother goddess gave us. We should embrace who we are and see the beauty in our bodies. Life is far too short to spend any energy on being anxious over people’s opinions of what our bodies should be like. When I see these girls bleeding all over the place like Mother Earth intended, it makes me happy. They’re living their own truths in open defiance of a world that would have them kneel and conform to arbitrary standards of beauty and hygiene."

Kiki says she looks forward to organizing next years Menses fest. “My hope is that more and more women will adopt the free bleeding lifestyle. Get rid of your tampons, ditch your pads, toss out your diva cups. Go out there and bleed. Once you let your blood touch the ground, you’ll be amazed at how connected you feel to the world."

Two 16-year-old students at École Secondaire Boisvert were arrested on Thursday afternoon after they admitted to spiking their teacher’s coffee with LSD last week.

The students drugged their professor at the beginning of their home economics lesson, causing the man to have a psychotic breakdown during class. He ended up jumping off the roof of the school which left him two broken legs.

The moment doctors realized the teacher had been drugged, the police were called. Realizing the severity of the situation they were in, it didn't take long for the culprits to confess to their misdeeds.

The students are currently being held at juvenile hall pending a hearing on Monday. Prosecutors have yet to determine what the pair will charged with, though their parents are already pleading for leniency.

“Unfortunately, this isn't the first time that students have spiked a teacher’s drink with drugs, and it’s not going to be the last,” says Sgt. Mason Peralta of the Montreal Police. “It's a common way for students to get back at their teachers. I don’t think a month goes by where a teacher somewhere in North America has an unwanted adventure on LSD. Children are woefully uninformed as to the kind of psychological damage non-consensual drug use can do to a person."

Drug counselor Mabis Zafir agrees. “I think schools need to start teaching teenagers the real deal when it comes to drug use and abuse,” says Mabis. “Right now, a lot of kids treat taking drugs like it’s a video game. It isn't. People can get hurt if you’re not careful. We need to arm students with knowledge about set and setting, about the right way and the wrong way to do drugs. Taking LSD can be a lot of fun, but only if you consent to it, and only if you’re mindful of the mindset you’re in when you take and the setting you’re in when you’re on it. If the students who spiked that teacher’s coffee knew of the importance of set and setting, they would have thought twice before doing what they did. I don’t think they meant to cause harm, they were just ignorant, and we as a society share blame for their ignorance."

Many Boisvert students agree. “I’d love it if they taught us how to do drugs at school,” says 17-year-old student Grace Kellogs. “That would be so cool."

Thousands of ravers across Quebec are indulging in a new and perplexing fad: they’re tossing salad in order to get high. Some say it’s just a hoax, but many others swear that it works. “I don’t care what Snopes says, I don’t care what the Society of Quebecois Skeptics says, I don’t care what doctors say,” says 18 year old high school drop-out Milaine Maribou, “tossing salad definitely gets you high. I do it all the, and it always ends up with me tripping balls."

The act of salad tossing, a slang term for licking a person’s anus, has long been the butt of many jokes. Only recently, however, has salad tossing taken on a nearly religious fervour among teenagers. “Most teenagers would rather toss each other’s salad than spend time on Facebook, Snapchat, Tumblr, or any of those other social media sites,” says teenageologist Mary Chapeau. “Salad tossing is to today’s teenager what going to the mall was to teenagers in the 1980s. While I personally don’t think tossing salad will get you high, if you look at it from a sociological point of view, it makes sense that teenagers would imbue the act with mystical meaning. Every generation creates new ways to both rebel against authority and to establish status among their peers. These ritual forms of both rebellion and communion often take religious undertones, even in a secular society such as our own. In effect, it’s not the act of anus licking itself that is causing teenagers to get high, it’s their belief in the magical properties of the act that causes those drug like sensations. The ritual is a kind of placebo."

Chibougameau University biology teacher Barryl Hogwits disagrees. “Many sociologists often try to explain human behaviour without bothering to understand the biochemical basis of many of our actions,” says Barryl. “In recent years, we’ve discovered that human anal glands secrete a chemical compound that has similar properties as THC. Consuming this secretion orally will, in fact, produce a small buzz. It’s not as intense as smoking a joint, but it’s still pretty pleasant. You’ll get a much more powerful high if you snort it, though."

Barryl says people shouldn’t be disgusted by the sometimes magical properties of anal glands. “It might sound disgusting, but the fact is, nearly everyone in the West has consumed animal anal juice at one point in their life,” says Barryl. “For example, castoreum is a commonly used flavouring product in foods. It’s made out of beaver anal glands. Anyone who has ever eaten vanilla ice cream has consumed beaver anal glands. If you didn’t find that disgusting, why should licking someone's anus be any different?"

Nearly three quarters of EDM fans have STDs say researchers at the Montreal Urban Disease Command And Control Centre.“We’ve been collecting data for the last five years,” says lead researcher Dr. Yoga Biddleson, “and the results are conclusive. An overwhelming majority of people who listen to EDM have at least one sexually transmitted disease. Most have several. The numbers are shocking. Aids, gonorrhoea, herpes, HPV, you name it, EDM lovers have it. Hell, our numbers suggest that syphilis now exclusively targets techno enthusiasts. Everyone in Montreal who has syphilis has been to a rave in the last twelve months."

Dr. Biddleson’s research is the first to prove a conclusive link between EDM and STD rates. “According to our research, someone who listens to techno is five times more likely to have an STD than a gay heroin addict who shares needles at a bareback orgy,” says Dr. Biddleson. “Techno enthusiasts are, effectively, the most disease ridden members of society. Someone who spent every waking hour of every single day shooting heroin while operating a glory hole in a dingy back alley in Mile End would still be a safer sexual partner than your typical raver."

No one knows why EDM and STDs go together like bread and butter. “The link doesn't exist for other music genres. STD rates and techno music are linked in ways that suggest there’s something special about it that makes people susceptible to getting an STD. We believe that techno music might weaken the human immune system” says Dr. Biddleson, “more research is needed before we can fully understand the relationship between the two, however. In the mean time, we ask that people be extra careful when having sex with anyone who has ever been to a Skrillex concert. If you’re on a date with someone, ask them if they listen to EDM before bringing them back home. If they say yes, please know that there’s a good chance that they’ll give you aids."

21-Year-Old Olympic gymnast Patricia Roquette was admitted to the St-Lawrence General Hospital late Saturday night with life threatening injuries she received during a bar altercation at Les Tetons Atomique. The gold medal winning athlete had apparently triggered a group of women with her svelte frame and incredibly toned body.

“Several women at Les Tetons Atomique became angry at Patricia because she was just too hot,” says Sgt. Mason Peralta. “They felt that her body was too fit for the public, and that she should have been wearing more clothing so as to not to inspire shame in the other women attending the bar."

Witnesses say the altercation soon devolved into violence. “The women approached Patricia and told her she should be ashamed of her body,” says Les Tetons Atomique regular Louis Dinofrio. “When Patricia told them to get lost, they started screaming at her, calling her a misogynist, telling her that her fashion sense, exercise regimen, and commitment to living a healthy and active lifestyle was triggering them."

The angry women then hit Patricia over the head with a beer bottle and started kicking her. “It got ugly fast,” says Louis. “A bunch of us at the bar intervened and separated Patricia from her attackers, but by then a lot of damage had already been done."

Activists online celebrated Patricia’s brutal beating, calling it a step in the right direction. “Fit women who exercise regularly need to feel ashamed of their bodies,” says activist Leah Crotteu. “For far too long, overweight people who don’t exercise have been on the receiving end of a great deal of emotional abuse in our society. Now it’s payback time. Fit bitches need to suffer for their sins. All bodies are beautiful except skinny ones."

Sgt. Peralta asks that skinny people cover up their bodies while in public, lest they incur the wrath of angry activists. “It’s better to be safe than sorry,” says Sgt. Peralta. “I’d also recommend not telling anyone you go to the gym and if you’re on a diet, please keep it to yourself, since sharing that information might trigger fat people."

Several Montreal clubs are under fire this week after installing water cannons that attack homeless people that are on their property. “I think blasting homeless people with an industrial strength water cannon is in bad taste,” says urban planner Bigwell Grandy. “Just because drenching the downtrodden with a torrent of freezing cold water isn’t illegal doesn’t mean that it’s ethical. It’s not."

It might not be ethical but spraying homeless people with water is an increasingly popular technique that many establishments throughout North America have begun adopting. “We didn’t come up with this idea ourselves,” says Melanie Bertrandelle, the president of the Montreal Alcoholic Society, an institution that represents 45 clubs and bars across the city. “We were looking for help in dealing with the homeless problem plaguing many of the business we represent when we discovered the Indigent Dispersal Cannon. This is a system of internet enabled water cannons that are operated by the San Francisco Religious Foundation. The way it works is that automatic censors trigger the moment a homeless person is suspected of being on a given property, which then sends videos to a list of SFRF volunteers who determine whether or not there’s a homeless person on your property. If there is, the volunteers turn on the hose until the homeless people run off. It’s a brilliant system."

Jeeves Vondersmidt, a spokesperson for the SFRF, says that their cannons are doing gods work. "15% of the proceeds we make on the cannons goes to funding Christian iPhone apps that spread the gospel," says Jeeves. “Our Indigent Dispersal Cannon makes it a breeze to cleanse your property of the filthy unwashed vermin that god hasn’t gotten around to smiting. Not only that, but when you buy one of our systems, you help fund soul saving iOS software. It’s a win/win situation."

Jeeves says that the SFRF invented their Indigent Dispersal System in order to manage all the homeless people who kept trespassing on to church property in the Bay area. “San Francisco is very expensive,” says Jeeves. “So we have a lot of homeless people who don’t realize that they’re unimportant. Our water cannon helps them realize that even God doesn’t care for the homeless."

Irvin Meloche, the proprietor of the St-Denis bar Mamelon Atomique, says he doesn’t regret installing the devices. “I think the SFRF are a little crazy,” says Irvin. “But their water cannons really work. I sympathize with the plight of the homeless, I really do, but my club isn’t a hotel for the indigent. It’s for paying customers. In the past, my establishment has suffered considerable property damage at the hands of homeless vagrants. We tried getting city hall involved, we’ve called the police, we’ve spoken with politicians, and none of that has changed anything. Last month, one of our uninvited guests spread their feces all over the handles of our front door bar. We caught them on video. Should we tolerate that?"

Bigwell agrees that it’s not fair to club owners to handle the city’s homeless problem on their own. “Montreal needs to invest more money and resources into helping get people off the street,” says Bigwell. “I don’t fault these club owners for being frustrated with the city’s inaction, but that doesn’t excuse the extreme measures that they’ve taken. Soaking homeless people with water cannons isn’t right."

Jeeves disagrees. “Hosing the homeless isn’t just the right to do,” says Jeeves. “It’s our moral duty. We need to teach the poor that their poverty is a sign that god hates them."

DJs across Montreal are in talks to form North America’s first DJ Union. “The era of promoters taking advantage of us is coming to an end,” says union organizer DJ Direct Action, “The beats belong to those who produce them, those who mix them, those who match them. They don’t belong to the filthy capitalist dogs who command us, who profit from us even as we struggle to make ends meet. Thanks to our DJ Union, we’ll no longer have to subsist on ramen noodle and the tears of our groupies, now we’ll feast on caviar and foie gras. Long live the DJ Union! Long live the music mixers!"

Promoter Rex Rykers isn’t sure that a DJ Union will help people all that much. “I sympathize with those who want to organize a union,” says Rex, “but the fact remains that most promoters in Montreal are just as poor as the DJs they hire. EDM events rarely make bank in this city. There’s a reason most party promoters moonlight as escorts on their time off — if we weren’t whoring ourselves during the week, we wouldn’t be able to afford to throw parties on the week-end."

Rex thinks that instead of a union, DJs should consider copying promoters. “Instead of a union, DJs should embrace prostitution,” says Rex. “If it works for promoters, it will work for DJs too. Sell your body to feed your art. There’s no shame in it. It’s fun, it’s easy, and it’s good for the environment."

DJ Direct Action remains unconvinced. “Why should we whore out or bodies to the masses when we’re already whoring out our souls to promoters? No, it’s union or nothing at all,” says DJ Direct Action. “The time for revolution has come. The DJs are rising!"

A Gatineau area man has found himself unemployed after appearing in a televised interview in which he unabashedly described his love for happy hardcore music, Rave News has learned. Louis St-Ecstase, a 36-year-old Public Relations Agent, was let go from his 5 year position this past Monday, several days after he appeared in a segment on TVA focusing on rave culture in Quebec.

Mr. St-Ecstase was approached by a camera crew and reporter as he was leaving the scene of a rave that was being thrown in an abandoned Best Buy store. When asked about his motivations for attending the event and his feelings towards electronic dance music and the rave scene, he replied, “You know, not a lot of people understand raves, or ravers. There’s a lot of misconceptions that we’re only out here because we hate our lives, and we just want to get fucked up on drugs and drink ourselves to death one weekend at a time, and that’s just simply not true. Most of us are here because we love the music. We love to just feel the energy and good vibes around us, and we don’t all need drugs for that. I get my vibes from happy hardcore. It’s just the most uplifting thing for me - to me, happy hardcore is love. Happy hardcore is life.” The segment in question aired the following night and was seen by an estimated several dozen people.

When Mr. St-Ecstase arrived at work the following Monday, he was immediately pulled into a meeting room with his manager and a representative from the human resources department. “They told me, basically, that I had embarrassed the company and damaged their public image.” St-Ecstase said. “They informed me that I was being let go, with a standard severance package, and asked me to pack up my things and leave. There was absolutely no room for negotiation. In their eyes, the damage had already been done, and they had no choice but to distance themselves from me. I’m pretty sure if I had said I was at the rave to get high, everything would have been OK. I’m used to being treated poorly because of my love for happy hardcore, but this is a little ridiculous.”

We contacted Hydro-Quebec and asked them about the incident. In response, they released the following statement:

“As many of you are now aware, a Hydro-Quebec employee was recently terminated over controversial remarks he made on camera in the past few days. We would like to make it undoubtedly clear that the opinions expressed by Mr. St-Ecstase do not represent those of Hydro-Quebec, and that publically supporting such a blatantly offensive and distasteful style of music will not be tolerated by any of our employees, especially one tasked with improving the public image of the company. By openly associating himself with the happy hardcore movement, Mr. St-Ecstase has clearly demonstrated a shocking level of ineptitude regarding his role and responsibilities as a public relations agent. Not only have we terminated Louis, but an internal investigation has been launched to determine how such a deeply disturbed individual was ever employed by us for so long. We understand that it might take some time, but we hope that the public’s faith in us can be restored eventually. Although technically, it’s not like you have a choice in where you get your electricity from anyway.”

Marie Ginette, a 45 year old Montreal woman, was rushed to the hospital Tuesday morning after she was bitten by Yoga Biddleson, one of the city’s most controversial party promoters. “I saw the whole thing go down,” says witness Barryl Hogwits, who runs a bakery at the corner of Sherbrooke and McGill, where the attack took place. “The woman was walking her dog, a sweet little pomeranian, when that mad man jumped out of nowhere and started barking at her. She freaked out and looked really confused and that’s when he bit her right on the lip. It was gruesome. Blood started gushing all over the place. I’m trying to sell food to people, but who wants to buy a delicious blueberry muffin from me when there’s a person bleeding out on the sidewalk in front of my store?"

Police say it’s not the first time a party promoter has bitten someone. “Party promoters are vicious,” says Sgt. Mason Peralta of the Montreal Police. “There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Every day, someone gets bitten by a party promoter. No exception. We like to think they’re regular people, but they’re not. They’re feral. Like wolves. You can’t domesticate a party promoter. You can’t expect them to follow the rules. You can’t expect them to be well behaved. It’s not in their blood. If they’re not on a leash, someone will get hurt. That’s why police across the country have been lobbying all levels of government to take a hard look at Canada’s party promoter problem. We need new laws that will recognize that promoters aren’t people, they’re animals."

Party promoter Yoga Biddleson agrees. “I can’t help what I am,” says Yoga. “Sometimes, i just feel like chasing after things. If I see a car or a dog, I just want to chase it. It’s just this urge I get, like it’s really primal. And if anything gets in my way, I attack it."

Sgt. Peralta says that’s the problem. “Promoters shouldn’t go to jail for behaving like animals,” says Sgt. Peralta. “That’s what they are. We, as a society, have a duty to protect animal rights. We can’t do that if we treat animals as if they’re human beings. We need to realize that just because they look like people, doesn’t mean they actually are."

Some say that perhaps it’s time to just release the city's party promoters back into the woods of Quebec. “We’ve tried to live with them, and that hasn’t worked,” says animalogist Mary Chapeau. “Maybe it’s time we let this failed experiment go. I think party promoters would be a lot happier if they could go back to living in nature, as god intended. Let them run through the forests naked, living off squirrels and berries like they were born to do."

Police say Marie Ginette is expected to make a full recovery.

Quebec is aflutter amid rumours that former Prime Minister Pauline Marois is seriously considering a career as a Psytrance DJ. “I have it on good authority that Mme. Marois will be donning a set of headphones in the near future in order to indulge her one true passion, mixing trippy beats,” says Montreal psytrance promoter Yoga Biddleson. “It’s a little known secret, but I heard that Marois has always had a deep appreciation for the dark arts of beat matching."

During the 1990s, it’s alleged that Mme. Marois traveled throughout Europe hopping from one outdoor rave to another. “A friend of mine says she spent a summer tripping balls in Goa,” says Yoga. “Just dancing her ass off to authentic old-school psytrance."

That’s not the only time she spent in Goa claims her unofficial biographer, Vlad Depardieu. “My investigations suggest that Marois discovered her passion for Quebec independence after taking mushrooms in Goa during the fall of 1986. She was listening to Kraftwerk when she fell into a trance that opened her eyes to the true potential of the Quebec nation. After that, she didn’t want to just establish Quebec as a country in its own right, but to establish it as the first country on earth to full embody the spiritual values of techno music. Techno has a deep and beautiful religious tradition that many modern ravers aren't aware of, but Marois isn't a modern raver. She was among the first. She was there at the dawn of the techno age, and she made communion with the EDM gods."

Marois was a savvy politician however, and never made her intentions explicit. “No one would have taken her seriously had they known she was a techno loving Goa fiend,” says Vlad. “She kept that part of herself hidden as she climbed up the ranks. Now though, she has nothing left to lose, so she might as well enjoy the rest of her life spreading the Goa Gospel."

Many Quebecois can’t wait to hear her play. “I’m really looking forward to what her DJ name will be,” says Yoga. “I bet it’ll be something really cool."

Doctors are asking Montreal ravers to refrain from performing surgery on themselves after 21 year old Boris Melvin was rushed to a hospital on Thursday afternoon with life threatening injuries. “Mr. Melvin twisted his ankle at an underground party last Saturday,” says Dr. Gringas Khan of the Montreal General Welfare Hospital. “He was high on a variety of drugs, and in his drug induced haze, he had convinced himself that he would never dance again unless he performed surgery on himself. He thought he was a doctor. He was a lot of things, but he wasn't that."

After twisting his ankle, Mr. Melvin left the main venue, an underground tunnel in St-Henri, and found an abandoned area nearby where began his operation to devastating result. “He broke a beer bottle and then used a piece of sharp glass as a makeshift scalpel,” says Dr. Khan. "It’s a miracle that he didn’t die. He cut off several chunks of his own leg, right down to the bone. In the process, he lost his ability to walk as well as a great deal of blood. The fact that he didn’t bleed out beggars the imagination. A normal person would be dead. But Mr. Melvin is definitely not a normal person."

He was stranded for several days and is lucky to be alive. “Anyone who is hardy enough to perform surgery on themselves isn’t going to go down all that easily,” says Dr. Khan. “If Einstein had a baby with this guy, that baby would be both brilliant and indestructible. Sometimes good genes are wasted on stupid people."

By the time the police found Mr. Melvin, his wounds had become infested with maggots. “We received a phone call from his parents on Monday, and it took several days for us to piece together what had happened to him,” says Sgt. Mason Peralta of the Montreal police force. “We are thankful to the ravers who told us about the underground party’s location, otherwise there’s a very good chance Mr. Melvin wouldn’t be with us today."

Ravers, for their part, say that self-surgery isn’t likely to catch on. “Boris was always a bit weird,” says Tiffany Dyson, an ex-girlfriend. “Normal ravers like to pretend their chemists or psychiatrists, not surgeons. We try to improve our lives by using drugs we know nothing about, not by cutting off our ankles."

Tumblr will rename itself DaddyIssu.Es in a bold new marketing move, claims an anonymous source within Yahoo, the site’s parent company. “We’ve been having a hard time monetizing Tumblr,” says the source. “After a lot of internal debate, we realized the key to making Tumblr profitable is by appealing to its largest demographic: mentally ill teenage girls who hate their fathers. Our new name will capitalize on the fact that our site dominates this target niche. No other service on the internet even comes close. If you’re a young woman who hates her dad, chances are, you’re on Tumblr."

The name change isn’t the only thing that DaddyIssu.Es will be rolling out. “Now that we know our site caters to damaged teenage girls and emotionally damaged young women, we’ll be offering a host of tools to help marketers better reach our audience."

Who’s Your Daddy, the name of DaddyIssu.Es new marketing engine, uses sophisticated temperament analysis to display marketing ads when users of the service are at their most emotionally vulnerable. “Most of our users are just one bad blog post away from having a total nervous breakdown,” says the source. “If you’ve ever been on Tumblr, you’ll notice that the site is basically an insane asylum for rich white women who can’t stop freaking out. Our new advertising platform capitalizes on their emotional instability. These people are desperately lost and unhappy, and we’ve figured out how to help marketers capitalize on their despair, turning their pain into your money."

Several Montreal promoters have had access to the Who’s Your Daddy marketing engine, which is currently still in beta. “Wow, just wow," says club owner Richie McGinnes. “I’ve tried Adwords, I’ve tried regular SEO, I’ve tried a whole lot of things, but nothing, and I mean nothing, has had the kind of success that my Who’s Your Daddy campaign has had. Targeting broken peopled is good for business. My club has been booming since I started placing adds on the site. When you sit down and think about it, clubbing is especially popular with people who hate themselves and their parents, so I should’t be surprised. But I am. The results are just that impressive."

The Yahoo source says he’s heartened by the good results. “Right now, we’re rolling out the marketing engine to more and more people,” says the source. “We’ve found that it works especially well with companies that offer services or products that appeal to those who have no self-respect."

Le Petit Manchild, Montreal’s first adult preschool, will celebrate it’s grand opening on May 28th. “We’re so happy to play our part in the downfall of western civilization,” says Le Petit Manchild owner Patrice Lemattress. “Ever since we first heard about the existence of adult preschools, we knew we had to bring one to Montreal. It’s time our city recognizes that being a grown-up is so last millennium. Today, we’re all Peter Pan. We never have to escape childhood. We can remain young, dumb, and immature well into our golden years. And we should!"

Patrice says that Le Petit Manchild lets grown men and women get in touch with their inner toddlers. “It’s kindergarden for men with receding hairlines and women with menopause,” says Patrice. “Our studio is fully stocked with play-doh, fingerpaint, napping spaces, and a whole bunch of toys and games that will make you question why you ever took life seriously in the first place."

Patrice hopes Le Petit Manchild will encourage adults to let go of their dignity and pride. “For the low cost of $250 a month, anyone over the age of 25 can sign up and act like a four year old in our state of the art facilities,” says Patric. “They can yell and cry and pout and just be completely, totally, self-absorbed brats. It’s magical."

Patrice thinks that if enough people sign up for Adult Preschool, our civilization might finally collapse, ushering in a golden age of rape and pillaging. “Our business isn’t just an exercise in self-indulgent capitalism,” says Patrice. “We’re trying to make the world a better place by encouraging people to just give up on society so that we can finally return to the brutal subsistent lifestyle of our ancestors."

Le Petit Manchild is located in the heart of downtown at 1974B Turn Blvd.

Psychiatrists have long known that raving is today's leading cause of post traumatic stress disorder among men and women of all ages, but until 17-year-old Goss Morin came along, they didn’t have much success in getting the word out to the public. Goss has quickly become a famous public speaker for Rave Induced PTSD, a condition that afflicts hundreds of millions of people worldwide. He’s traveled around the globe giving speeches at hundreds of schools in dozens of countries.

Goss will in Montreal for the next two weeks on a whirlwind speaking tour that will see him drop by twenty schools in ten day. “I want to share my experiences with students so that they think twice before going to a rave,” says Goss. “It’s important that teenagers know the dangers of raving. It’s the number one cause of PTSD in the world. People are under the mistaken belief that veterans are the biggest sufferers of PTSD, but they’re not. Soldiers are actually only the third most common sufferers of PTSD. Ravers are the first and feminists on twitter are the second."

Goss says he came down with PTSD after attending a Psytrance party in the fall of 2013. “I took some LSD and was tripping balls at this outdoor Goa party,” says Goss. “I remember sitting under a tree, just bobbing my head to the music when I felt my brain stop working. It was like there was this switch inside of me that the music flipped off, and suddenly everything good in the world just disappeared. I started screaming and screaming and screaming, and a guy with dreads came by and gave me a vicks vaporub back massage, which just caused me to scream even more."

Eventually paramedics arrived and gave Goss some valium. “I woke up in the hospital later that night, and ever since then, I’ve had severe rave induced anxiety.” Now Goss says a day doesn’t go by when he doesn’t break out in a sweet. “Anything that reminds me of a rave will cause me to break out in hives. If I see a white person wearing dreads out in public, it triggers me and I break down into tears. The moment I hear that womp-womp dubstep sound, I start rocking back and forth. I can’t help it."

Goss hopes his experiences with raver trauma will stop other teenagers from getting burned. “They need to know that every party they go to is a game of russian roulette,” says Goss. “No one is safe from rave induced PTSD. No one.

Forget Snapchat, today’s teenagers are going nuts for after birth abortion parties, says 17 year old Massey Green. “I think after birth abortion parties really embody what it means to be young in our society,” says Massey. “These events are fun, they’re provocative, they’re rebellious, they’re everything a teen could want out of a party. You haven’t really lived until you’ve danced to infanticide!"

After birth abortion parties are exactly what they sound like: dance events that celebrate child murder. “We don’t actually kill children at an after birth abortion party,” says promoter Glenn Glompwick. “We just simulate the act in order to raise awareness of why we should be allowed to murder children. This is our society’s next big civil rights fight.”

Critics call the events gruesome and barbaric, but Glenn doesn’t see it that way. “Ever since Alberto Giubilini and Francesca Minerva argued about the merits of after birth abortion in the pages of the Journal of Medical Ethics, infanticide has become cool,” says Glenn. "It’s the most cutting edge moral position you can take. Fighting against racism? That’s so 1861. Smash the patriarchy? 1968 called and they want their social movement back. Regular abortion rights? Grandma take your coat hanger and go home. No, we need to level that fight up. It's time for us to have the right to kill children that are already born."

Teenagers agree. “One year olds, two year olds, five years olds — if you don’t want your kid, you should have the right to end them,” says Massey. “And I think if you attend an after birth abortion party, you’ll better appreciate the validity of this controversial moral position. Not only that, but you’ll get to experience first hand what it’d be like to throw a baby off a cliff, or into a fire, or through a cannon. It's so much fun."

Glenn says he’s proud of how life like his party’s murder simulations are. “We use cutting edge technology to really make these simulations feel real,” says Glenn. “Each guest at one of our parties gets a state of the art doll that looks and feels like a human child. These dolls come in all shapes, ages, and sizes. They even bleed a real looking type of synthetic blood! Of course, having state of the art dolls isn’t enough. Each of our events features a dozen different ways to destroy your child surrogate. We try to push the limits with our murder simulators. I'm partial to the baby slingshot cannon we had at our last party."

Massey says she can’t wait to attend Montreal’s next after birth abortion party. “They’re so exciting. They’re always trying to innovate new ways to experience child murder. I’m more interested in seeing what kind of new simulators they’ll come up with than I am in which DJs they’ve got lined up."

Montreal is home to one of the largest population of neck beards in North America, and many of them are tired of being ostracized by the public. “Just because we’re socially awkward, terribly sexist, and thoroughly entitled doesn’t mean that we’re not good people,” says full time mountain dew drinker Perry Heinlich. “Neck beards are human beings of the full spectrum of human emotions, and that includes both love and compassion. Yes, we might be resentful of women and the men who sleep with them, but that’s only a small part of what we’re about."

Perry says that neck beards have a whole lot to offer the world, which is why he’s organizing Montreal’s very first Fedoracore party. “We want to turn the friend zone into the party zone,” says Perry. “We’re inviting all the m’ladies out to what promises to be the most incredible party of the year. We’re going to show them what it means to be romanced by a man of the internet. All those hours we’ve spent behind our computers have armed us with the skills we need to conquer hearts and open thighs."

Oddly enough, many women are lining up to attend. “I can’t wait to be party zoned,” says 19 year old Dawson student Trisha Beaver. “The idea of spending hours in a room full of lonely maladjusted men, men who spend their evenings writing angry screeds about how terrible women are, well that just really makes my eyes light straight up. I can tell that Fedoracore Parties are just the thing Montreal needs."

Police are calling for calm after a raver blood feud spiraled out of control this weekend, resulting in devastating riots that lead to dozens of injuries, hundreds of millions of dollars in property damage, and the death of at least one pet iguana.

“It all started when Miles Morrisberg, a popular Dubstep DJ, got into an argument with Brad Bergmorris, a popular Psytrance DJ,” says professional raver and riot enthusiast Leanne Fines. “They were fighting over the merits of of which music genre was objectively better, and when they couldn’t come to an agreement, Miles had some of his friends beat up Brad."

Sgt. Mason Peralta of the Montreal Police says that this inciting incident set off a terrible chain reaction that culminated in the riots that gripped downtown Montreal over the weekend. “After Brad was assaulted, he retaliated by having his friends beat up Miles,” says Sgt. Peralta. “In response, Miles had his friends beat up Brad's friends. This lead to Brad's friends calling in extra friends of theirs, who then went on to beat the people who had just beaten their friends up. This, in turn, resulted in the people who had just been beaten up calling up more of their friends to attack their attackers. This cycle of escalation kept on going until Montreal’s downtown core had turned into a war zone where Dubstep fans waged battle against Psytrance fans."

Cars were set on fire, barricades were set up, sound systems were brought in, and the two armies of music fans met fist with fist and beat with beat. “I think we can safely say that Montreal witnessed the first of the raver wars,” says Leanne. “It was epic."

In the end, Montreal Mayor Serge Lapoutine had to call in the Quebec National Guard to restore order. “Violence begets violence,” says the Mayor. “Ravers need to learn to love each other. Don’t hate your brother because he doesn’t like the same music you do. That will just end badly for everyone."