A new study released by the Institute of Factual Science claims to show a link between infertility and loud music. “Our study does show that there is a definite relationship between the two,” says lead researcher Greg LeVrai. “The exact biology is a bit of a mystery. We’re not sure why it causes infertility, we only know that for every hour listening to loud music, the chance that your ovaries will fall out or that your sperm count will plummet increases by 0.1%.”

These numbers are astoundingly high. “We believe that this might explain the lower birth rates that seem to plague developed nations,” says Greg. “It makes sense. Birth rates fall as access to loud speakers increases. You’re not going to get good quality speakers in places where people can barely afford the necessities of life. Loud music is a luxury, a luxury that might be dooming the entire human race to extinction. The louder the music, the less children you have. As poverty is eradicated, and poor countries acquire more and more clubs equipped with high-quality speakers, I expect to see a sharp decline in birth rates across the board.”

Experts warn against buying into demographic doomsday scenarios. “Their study hasn’t even been peer reviewed,” says scientist Bard Youspoony. "Just because they call themselves the Institute of Factual Science doesn’t actually mean that they’re engaged in factual science. I could call myself Godzilla, but that doesn’t make me a giant lizard creature. I think, before jumping to conclusions, people should remember not to believe everything they read. Most newspapers these days are really nothing more than tabloids. Journalists suck at covering science. And I say that without equivocation. They’re awful — i’d even say they were criminally negligent, considering the amount of harm they unleash into the world. Most of the science stories you read in papers? They’re just republished press releases. Anyone can send out a press release. I could send one out tomorrow that says I’ve successfully conducted a study that proves vaginal farts can cure cancer, and newspapers would then reprint my news release word for word without bothering to fact check anything. Do you think science journalists even bother to read the studies they cover? Hell, most scientists don’t even bother to read the studies they cite in their own work.”

Greg says Bard’s criticisms are baseless. “We definitely conducted a study, and it will be submitted to a journal for peer review,” says Greg. “Someday, probably. Who knows. In the mean time, we want to make sure people know that they shouldn’t listen to loud music if they want to have children. We’re not trying to scare people, we’re trying to help them. Trust us. We're scientists."

Mickeen Magazine recently released it’s annual “Best Jobs in Canada List”, and the top honour went to being a Montreal DJ. This was a first, but it’s not a surprise to people who have been following the EDM scene’s rise to prominence in La Belle Province.

“Being a Montreal DJ is more than just a job,” says trance DJ Buzzlebourke. “It’s a way of life. The biggest shock isn’t that Mickeen Magazine decided that being a Montreal DJ was the best gig you can get in Canada, but that it took them so long to come to that conclusion.”

Mickeen, one of the oldest magazines in the country, has been releasing it’s Best Jobs list every year for the last three decades. “It took them that long to see the light,” says DJ Buzzlebourke. “I think english Canada can be a little slow to get hip to what’s happening in Montreal.”

So why is being a Montreal DJ such a great deal? To find out more, we’ve asked four different DJs in town what their favourite part of the job is.

1 - Montreal DJs get free poutine whenever they want, wherever they want

“It’s a little known secret,” says electro DJ Rabastaba, “but Montreal DJs get a lifetime supply of free poutine from the city of Montreal. Montreal values it’s nightlife, and in order to promote homegrown EDM, they started their TechnoPoutine program, which guarantees that DJs never starve in this city. They get fat on cheese and gravy.”

2 - Montreal DJs are sex gods

“Being a DJ in Montreal gets you laid like crazy,” says nitzhonot DJ Tonohzitn. “It’s almost like a super power. It doesn’t matter if you want to sleep with men or women or everything in between and beyond. Being a Montreal DJ is the ultimate aphrodisiac. It’s better than being a billionaire. I once had sex with fifty people in one day. It wasn’t very good sex, but I just wanted to see if I could do it. I could. So can you, if you become a DJ.”

3 - Montreal DJs get paid in golden age comic books and cocaine

“I’ll never forget the first time I played a gig in Montreal,” says house DJ Heumanix, “when the promoter went to pay for me, he gave me five kilos of cocaine and an original copy of Action Comics #1. That was the best night of my life. I now own eight original copies of Action Comics #1 and so much cocaine that I can build a family of snowmen out of it."

4 - Montreal DJs are immortal

“The number one reason for becoming a Montreal DJ,” says DJ Feinbaum, “Is that it grants you eternal life. And i don’t mean just feeling like you’re never going to die because you’re so high on all that cocaine promoters keep giving you. I mean, the moment you spin in a Montreal club, you stop aging. Your skin doesn’t wrinkle, your hair doesn’t go grey, your flashes never go hot and menopause never kicks in. You just remain timeless. Forever.”

With perks like these, it’s no wonder Mickeen decided that being a Montreal DJ was the best gig in town.

John Inglewood & Doreen Saddler, Promoters for Montreal’s Inaugural Ball Pit Rave, have come under fire for the exorbitant price that they’re charging for the event. “They’re selling tickets for $500 a pop,” says ball pit enthusiast Leena Lachance. “I love ball pits. I love jumping in them. I love playing in them. I love the idea of raving in a gigantic ball pit, dancing to some amazing music by some of Montreal’s finest DJs. I do not love the idea of paying $500 for the opportunity.”

Despite her resistance, Leena caved in and bought a ticket anyways. “Eh, I couldn’t say no to a ball pit rave. No one’s ever done it before. For $500, it better be amazing.”

John and Doreen say the high price is justified. “We’ve got an amazing DJ line-up, we booked one of the largest venues in Montreal, and we’ve bought over a hundred thousand plastic coloured balls to fill the venue up,” says Doreen. "On the bright side, if the event is a success, future ball pit raves will cost a lot less. You have no idea how expensive it is to buy a hundred thousand balls. Now that we own them, though, we predict that future parties will only cost $400 a ticket. That’s a huge discount!”

Many ravers don’t see what the big deal is with ball pits. “I don’t think dancing in a ball pit sounds like much fun,” says 19 year old party girl Kayla Quinn. “I mean, it might be fun for like three minutes, but if you spend an entire night dancing in a waist deep ball pit, you’re going to have knees so bruised that you’ll feel like a call girl at a Republican convention. It just sounds like a bad idea.”

Other ravers disagree. “Man, ball pits are the best,” says overly enthusiastic 45 year old creepy party guy Michael Muggles. “I always love the crowd that ball pits attract. A rave that’s just one giant ball pit? That warms the cockles of my old, skeevy heart."

Montreal promoter Edwin Vigo has so much money, he doesn’t know what to do with it all. “I’m so damn rich, I just don’t know how to spend all my money,” says Edwin. “It’s the kind of problem few people are burdened with, and it really is a burden. Having too much money is a lot like not having enough to eat, it warps your psychology and skews the way you see the world.”

Edwin, though, has come up with a solution to his cash problems. “Well, I figured I’d spread the wealth by hiring half a dozen people to follow me around with a boombox,” says Edwin. “They’ll provide my life with a moment-to-moment soundtrack that I can share with the world in real time. When something exciting happens, they’ll start playing up tempo music, and maybe breakdance or beatbox a little bit. When something sad happens, they’ll put on some really depressing classical music, and maybe pantomime the act of crying. When sexy times are afoot, they can put on some Enya or some Pantera, depending on whether or not i’m about to have romantic love or a hard and dirty gang bang. My boombox posse will interpret the mood of every single moment in my life, and translate it into theatrical terms."

Edwin denies having gotten the idea from a family guy episode. “I totally came up with it on my own,” says Edwin. “I am unique and original, and having other people provide my life with a constant soundtrack is the perfect way of displaying my originality while also lightening my pocket book. It’s two birds with one stone, and I think it’ll be a ton of fun.”

This isn’t the first time a rich person hired a bunch of people to follow them around. “Gwen Stefani, the lead singer of No Doubt, once hired a bunch of Japanese women to follow her around for no reason,” says wealthologist Ray Engels. “The very, very wealthy often adorn their lives with poor people. It’s a way of constantly reminding the working class that the most they can ever aspire to become is furniture for the rich.”

Edwin denies that his boom box posse is in poor taste. “They’re not furniture” says Edwin. “They’re background noise. I think that’s a very important distinction.”

To apply for Edwin’s boom box posse, visit Montreal’s craigslist classified section.

Several companies in Montreal are experimenting with a new employee retention strategy: the office rave. “Organizational psychologists believe that employees are more likely to be loyal to a company that embodies their values,” says consultant Bob Greyson. “Millennials are the rave generation. They’re the generation that grew up on techno, teletubbies, and thc. They’re values are rave values, and that’s why more and more businesses are rave-ifying the workplace.”

Consolidated Synergetic Solutions, a tech firm based in the old port of Montreal, starts every work day with a mini rave. “We have a DJ who plays jungle every morning from 7am to 10am,” says CEO Chad Stiff, “and that’s not all. We also give out free glow sticks and water bottles to our employees. Our office raves have really boosted employee morale.”

Jennifer Williams is one such employee. “I used to hate going to work,” says Jennifer. “But now, I can’t wait! Every day starts with a rave. My cubicle used to feel so confining, but now it doesn’t — because i’m allowed to dance in it.”

Not everyone thinks businesses should rave-ify their offices. “What about people who don’t like techno or EDM or dancing or having fun?”, asks lawyer Hubert Sourlaigh. “I think mandatory raving isn’t a good idea. You can’t force your employees to enjoy themselves. If you want to create a welcoming work environment that promotes loyalty, instead of hiring DJs and playing jungle, you should focus on helping your employees accomplish things that bring meaning to their lives. Office raves just distract employees from how terrible their jobs are. It’s just bread and circus for the masses.”

Chad doesn’t see it that way. “Office raves are the future,” says Chad. "Anyone who doesn't want to rave first thing in the morning doesn't deserve to work."