The Pedosexual Liberation Movement has hit the big time now that over a dozen Hollywood celebrities have come out in support of it. “It’s time that we recognize that pedophilia isn’t a crime, but a sexual orientation,” says Hoogen Bausweit, the producer of the oscar winning drama Make Boys Cry. “The rise of the Pedosexual Liberation Movement is proof that our conception of gender continues to evolve. We need to stop oppressing people who have desires that fall outside the cisnormative mainstream.”

Ima Raypalaut, the star of the hit movie Teacher Please, agrees. “There’s a reason everyone considers Hollywood the moral centre of the Universe,” says Ima. “That’s because us celebrities have a unique understanding of right and wrong that church going country hicks will never fully appreciate. My time as a Hollywood actor has made me uniquely qualified to understand the pain and suffering of the underprivileged, and right now, there’s no single group in America that’s as oppressed as pedosexuals. It’s time we right this historical wrong and show the world that sexually desiring children is perfectly natural.”

Convicted pedosexual Henry Tinytoppper is glad to see Hollywood throw their weight behind the cause. “It’s just disgusting that people like me are sent to jail just for having sex with five year olds,” says Henry. “Do you think the ability to consent to sex magically begins at 16? No, it doesn’t. It starts the moment a toddler learns to say no. And if a toddler doesn’t say no, then what’s the problem?”

Henry’s views are very popular with the Hollywood elite, which is rumoured to be dominated by child rapists. “It’s not a big secret that most people who run Hollywood are in the pedosexual closet,” says Ima. “I just want my Hollywood brothers to finally be open about their sexual desires without being punished for them. It’s not fair.”

Many fashion watchers believe that Hollywood’s public embrace of pedosexuality will deeply effect the social politics of the country. “Back in the 1990s and early aughties, gays were the top fashion accessory among well-to-do liberals,” says stylist Van Grübber. “Then gays were tossed aside for the trans community. In 2015, you weren’t cool unless you had some transgendered friends. Liberals, who are mostly middle and upper class, use gender politics as a way to draw attention to their social status. It’s not that they actually care about gay or transgender rights, they just care about the social status that seeming to care about these rights confers. The problem is that eventually working class people start adopting their gender politics, which causes these politics to lose their social cachet. After that happens, liberals then need to find a new gender politics to use as a fashion accessory"

"You can see the same cycle of social drift happen with the names liberals use to give their children," says Van. "Liberals come up with new names to give their kids, poor people then eventually copy those names causing them to lose their power as status signifiers, then liberals come up with new names for their children, and the cycle repeats itself. This is the reason first names fall in and out of fashion. It’s also why progressive politics seems to progress onwards. The middle and upper class must constantly invent new social mores once they're embraced by the poor and working class.. It’s not about social justice but about social status. At the heart of liberal politics is a sneering elitism based on the desire to rule over people who are beneath you socially.”

Van Grübber says social drift is at the heart of the Pedosexual Liberation Movement. “After gay rights became acceptable among the working class, high status liberals needed to adopt something new to set themselves apart from their social inferiors. That’s why they embraced transgender rights,” says Van. “Now they’re embracing pedosexuality. It’s just the cycle of fashion at work. Eventually liberals will move on from pedophilia to something else that’ll help show that they’re better than the working class. Who knows, maybe in 2030, you won’t be considered cool unless you have a canine sex slave.”

Ima scoffs at Van’s analysis. “First of all, pedosexuality’s embrace by Hollywood royalty has nothing to do with social status,” says Ima. “Second of all, if you’re going to have a non human sex slave, it should be an armadillo. They’re much harder to get than dogs, and so much cuter too.”

Move over Jesus Christ, there’s a new religion town, and it’s getting people high as hell. The Church of The Dragon Chaser has seen its popularity explode over the last year, opening dozens of chapters across Canada and America. The oddball religion considers heroin to be a divine substance handed down to humanity by The Great Dragon, a godlike being that created heaven and earth during a drug fuelled orgy.

“We believe that The Great Dragon consumed heroin for seven days and seven nights, and on the last night, he mated with the spirits of wind, fire, earth, and water, inseminating them with his seed. The elements then gave birth to the Universe and all who dwell within,” says Reverend Bryan Tulle. “The Great Dragon celebrated the birth of the Universe by covering a million planets with the opium poppy flowers. These flowers are a gift from our god, and are the only way for those made of flesh and blood to speak with our cosmic creators.”

Heroin dealers across the Americas are now working with The Church of the Dragon Chaser to have their faith recognized by the state. “Heroin dealers are doing god’s work,” says Rev. Tulle. “It is important that the state not interfere in our spiritual affairs, lest it incurs the wrath of The Great Dragon. Heroin is a divine good, and the fact that the state has labeled it an evil is the source of all our current problems. We must place the holy poppy back in its revered position, or we will face eternal damnation.”

It’s not easy being a single mom, but that hasn’t stopped Kathleen Loza, a 43 year old Toronto native, from achieving her childhood dream of becoming a drug lord. “I’m proof that a woman can raise a kid on her own and operate a multi million dollar meth operation,” says Kathleen. “Society tends to give single mother’s a hard time, but with grit and persistence, it’s possible to rise above the nay sayers and accomplish incredible things.”

Kathleen says she knew she had to buckle down and get after getting knocked up at a Psytrance orgy. “Getting an abortion was out of the question,” says Kathleen. “I was going to raise my baby no matter what, but I didn’t want motherhood to get in the way of my dream of building a criminal empire that stretched across the Americas.”

Balancing parenthood with building a drug empire wasn't always easy. “By the time my son was six years old, I knew that I wouldn’t reach the heights of success I was aiming for unless I brought him into the family business,” says Kathleen. “I began grooming him to become my left hand man. I taught him how to cook crystal meth, how to smuggle it, how to build a supply chain, how to market narcotics to low income neighbourhoods. Bringing my baby boy into the fold turned out to be a life changing decision. It brought us closer together while also causing my profits to explode.”

It wasn’t long before her son, Chad, had recruited dozens of his school friends into his mother’s drug empire. “We had his entire elementary school hooked on meth,” says Kathleen. “It was beautiful, and it only got better from there on out. By the time he was a teenager, we had a sprawling network built up that covered the entire eastern seaboard.”

Within a few short years, the Mother Son drug dealing duo had successfully conquered vast swaths of territory from Halifax to Winnipeg. “It was a bit tough getting a foothold west of the Rockies, but that didn’t stop me and my boy from making it happen. We just rolled up our sleeves and started knocking on doors, making sure everyone knew that Loza’s Meth was the best of the best.”

Today, the proud mother says she couldn’t be happier with her life. “I’ve shown the world that a single mother can build a successful business while also raising a happy, healthy son. It’s not an either/or choice -- you can have both if you try hard enough.”

Sociologists have long been intrigued by the rave scene’s cock worship, with many illustrious researchers having spent decades trying to unravel the mysterious link between raving and craving dick. “Ever since the first drum beat was heard in the first Detroit warehouse party, ravers have been obsessed with all things penis related,” says Dr. Alleyu Rethra, a scientist at the Urban Dance Studies Institute of Pittsburgh . “And I mean obsessed. Ravers just can’t get enough dick. There’s a reason cock worship is considered one of the four corner stores of the rave scene, along with PLUR, EDM, and MDMA. If you’ve ever been to a rave, chances are, you’ve sucked a lot of cock.”

Many ravers don’t know why they’re so obsessed with penises. “When I listen to techno, a desire wells up inside of me for a penis in my mouth,” says 19 year old raver Alexi Cornwall. “I don’t know where the desire comes from, i don’t understand how it works, but all I know is that if I don’t obey it, I’ll be very sad.”

Researchers like Dr. Rethra posit that there’s some sort of connection between the dopamine receptors that are triggered by listening to techno and the bodies response to sexual stimuli. “The really interesting thing is that this craving for penis isn’t at all related to a person’s biological sex or even their socially constructed gender identity” says Dr. Rethra. “You could be a straight identified male, but the moment you listen to techno, the only thing you can think about is penis. Lots and lots of penis. Big ones, small ones, thick ones, thin ones, it doesn’t really matter their shape or size.”

Ravers say that perhaps the mystery is better left unsolved. “Does it really matter why ravers love cock?” asks Alexi. "Maybe some questions don't need an answer."