Montreal’s DJ Ardifakz was arrested in Vancover over the weekend after he flew across the continent to beat up an autistic 14 year old girl who kept insulting him over twitter. “That girl had it coming,” says DJ Ardifakz. “She kept saying I was a bad DJ, that my music sucks, that I didn’t have any talent. It was just a non-stop stream of vitriol. You can’t tell someone they’re a shitty DJ and not expect them to buy a $3,000 plane ticket and travel several thousand miles to beat you up. That’s perfectly normal response.”

Deejayologists agree, mostly. “It’s not normal for healthy human beings, but DJs aren’t healthy. Hell, some would argue they’re not even fully human,” says Dr. Paul Pott, head of Concordia’s Department of DJ Studies. “Most DJs have poor impulse control and complete inability to tell right from wrong. A normal person can walk from an insult, but DJs are incapable of doing that. Their brains are structured in a way that makes them respond to threats the way a feral wolf would. They see insults as an existential threat. That’s why you should never mock or tease a DJ if you value your life.”

Police say that DJs are constantly tracking down their detractors and beating them. “It must be exhausting to be a DJ,” says Sgt. Leo Bautista of the Vancouver police department. “When they’re not making music, they’re traveling around the world attacking their enemies. Imagine living a life like that, a life where blood lust dominates every aspect of your day. It’s my job to arrest people who break the law, but I can’t help but pity DJs. They’re lives are full of hatred and biles. It’s really sad.”

Most DJs agree. “I don’t want to kill my enemies, but I can’t help it,” says DJ Rogan Fresh of Quebec City. “When someone calls me a bad name over the internet, I become obsessed with hunting them down like prey. My entire life starts revolving around tracking them down. It’s a compulsion. I can’t help it.”

Dr. Pott says that he’s working with his colleague to develop novel ways of treating DJ rage. “There’s no current treatment for DJ rage, and that needs to change,” says Dr. Pott. “We can’t have people like Ardifakz flying across the country to beat up teenage girls. We need to help DJs learn to control their anger. We need to teach them that violence isn’t the answer.”

Leaders from Canada’s five major political parties released a joint statement on Monday condemning Anime Nationalism and calling it a threat to liberal democracy. “It’s time for the people of Canada to recognize that a new menace has emerged from the shadows, intent on destroying our freedoms, our culture, our very way of life,” says Prime Minister Tristan Judo. “The enemy isn’t radical Islam, it isn’t conservatism, it isn’t progressivism. No! I have seen the real enemy. They are the otaku, the weeaboos, the anime fanatics who lurk in the dark corners of the internet, stalking their prey like voracious monsters with bottomless pits for stomachs. If we do not defeat them today, they will defeat us tomorrow. The threat is real, and we must be prepared for their onslaught.”

Anime Nationalists hit the scene in a large way this year after the Weeaboo Liberation Army took hostages in Boston in early January. Officials in Massachusetts’s say that we can expect more anime related terrorism in the future. “These people, they’re smart, they’re dedicated, and they’re incredibly vicious,” says ex-FBI agent Donald Scully. “They won’t until they’ve made Make Anime Great again. They want to rebuild the West to reflect their anime sensibilities, to create a society where women are more kawaii and where senpai are finally noticed. They’re against democracy, against equality, against open borders. People want to laugh at the otaku, but they need to be afraid.”

Many in the mainstream media have already sounded the alarm. Republican strategist Richard Wilkinson says that Donald Trump has become the standard bearer for the anime nationalist movement, with over 85% of his supporters identifying with characters from Naruto and One Piece. “Most Trump supporters are obsessed with Anime,” says Richard. “They want to live inside the cartoons they watch, and that’s why they support Trump, who is a larger than life cartoon character straight out of an 1980s post-apocalyptic anime.”

The Trump campaign, for it’s part, has distanced itself from the terroristic elements of the anime nationalist movements. “We don’t believe that people should die over Chinese cartoons,” says Trump campaigner Godfrey Orkenheimer. “We love the Chinese and their cartoons, don’t get us wrong, we just don’t think people should be out taking hostages because of them. That’s not the way we do things in America. It’s weak. And we’re not weak!”

Ohayo Gozaimasu, a 19 year old Anime Nationalist, says that Richard doesn’t know what he’s talking about. “First, no self-respecting anime nationalist would watch Naruto or One Piece. They’re garbage. We want to make anime great again, to revitalize the industry so that every anime released matches Legends of the Galactic heroes in quality and substance. Western civilization will only be restored to greatness once anime has been restored to greatness. Second, there is no way that Trump supporters have bad taste in Anime. Every Trump voter I know loves Berserk and LotGH and Neon Genesis Evangelion, not goddamn Naruto.”

Ohayo says that the anime nationalist movement owes it’s entire existence to the Legend of the Galactic Heroes, a series about autocratic space Germans who wage a war of conquest against a corrupt democracy while simultaneously fending off a secretive cult of space Jews who use their economic might to manipulate foreign governments. “Legend of the Galactic Heroes is our Mein Kampf,” says Ohayo. “It forms the spiritual basis of our politics. As the series teaches us, while the worst democracy is better than the worst dictatorship, the best dictatorship is better than the best democracy. We want to create a totalitarian state because, if we succeed, it’ll usher in a new era for the human race, an era where everything is sugoi. If we fail, it’ll suck, but I think it’s worth the risk.”

Men’s rights activists from across the world will be descending on Montreal next May for the city’s first Racist Furry Convention. John Wiggleson, the founder of the convention, said he wanted to help introduce Montreal to it’s community of loathsome bigots in a fun and exciting new way. “Most people don’t know that nearly three quarters of all MRAs are racist furries,” says John. “They love dressing up as anthropomorphic animals who hate yankees and women with a feral passion. Unfortunately, MRAs are shunned by the public which I think is unfair. That’s why I’m hosting this convention, because I want to introduce the public our warm and fuzzy brand of bigotry, which has less cross burning and more miffing.”

Clay Kloplop is a long time racist furry from the suburb of Dorval who says he can’t wait to attend the RFC. “It’s very hard being an MRA in Montreal, since you can’t go around wearing your confederate flag themed furry outfit without getting into trouble,” says Clay. “I just want to be openly proud of my MRA status, and this Racist Furry Convention is the thing I needed to come out of the closet to tell the world that’s i’m a proud MRA. I hate my mom and i’m going to take that hatred out on the world, and that’s okay!”

Clay’s mom, Darcy Kloplop, doesn’t share his glee. “I should have aborted the bastard when I first found out I was pregnant,” says Darcy. “Instead, I now have to live with the ignominy of having raised a son who is so utterly broken, he’s joined a weird cult of women hating racists who dress up like cartoon characters. What have I done to deserve this? Why does god hate me?”

Nothing, says MRA specialist Grace Witkins. “Every society has it’s fringe weirdos who engage in harmful behaviour,” says Grace. “Ours has to put up with sexually frustrated grown men who dress up like fascist teddy bears, which is probably better than dealing with armed gangs of violent marauders. It still sucks though.”

Tickets go on sale soon!

Party promoter Thomas LaRouche, the man behind Montreal’s extraordinarily successful Dias De La Punta Parties, credits his success to an unusual daily ritual. “Every morning before I take my shower, I like to stand in front of a full body mirror and masturbate to my own reflection,” says Thomas. “I think it’s impossible to make the most out of your life if you don’t love yourself. That’s why I always start the day with an act of outrageous self-love. All the millions I’ve made are a direct result of my mirror masturbation strategy.”

Psychologists say that Mr. Larouche’s masturbating technique makes sense. “Science shows that self-compassion and self-esteem both have profound effects on the quality of our lives,” says Dr. Yakubu Gowon. “Researchers haven’t studied the effects that erotic self-love might have on a person yet, which is a shame. I think Mr. Larouche might be a pioneer. Perhaps years from now, doctors will prescribe auto-masturbation therapy to patients with depression. It’s quite exciting to think about. Masturbation as therapy! The human body is linked the human mysterious ways.”

Mr. Larouche says he’s currently writing a book about his masturbation habits that he believes will unlock people’s blocked potential. “When you start your day by masturbating to yourself, you’re sending a clear message to the world: you’re so awesome, you turn yourself on.” says Mr. Larouche. “And your body responds to that message. Your posture changes, the way you carry yourself in public changes, the way you look at the world changes, and the world looks at you changes. Masturbating to yourself unlocks your full potential. People who don’t do it are limiting their opportunities to succeed. They need to jack off to level up.”

Larouche says his book will be available in stores by the end of the year.

The Alliance of Bourgeois English Music Critics has released a petition calling for the governments of the world to ban lyrics that they find offensive. “As English speaking University educated liberals, we have an obligation to impose our moral sensibilities on the rest of the world,” says ABEMC president John Wainright. “If we don’t police the morality of the plebes by choosing what cultural products they can consume, they’ll get unruly and begin challenging us on matters of social justice, which will lead to our losing control over them. We can’t allow that, and that’s why it’s time for governments to begin restricting free speech. If it offends a white English speaking progressive, it needs to be against the law.”

Liberal art graduates across the English speaking world agree. “God, I think it’s just terrible that some people listen to music that has lyrics I find oppressive,” says Cindy Goering, the daughter of a business man who owns several fast food restaurants in Brookyln. “As an affluent University graduate from New York City, I think it’s completely unacceptable that people who don’t share my politics are writing lyrics that mock my beliefs. Us privileged progressives form the moral centre of the Universe. Everything that doesn’t revolve around us needs to be crushed and destroyed.”

John agrees. “University educated liberals have been quite successful in colonizing popular culture over the last fifteen years,” says John. “We’ve succeeded in marginalizing voices that challenge our self-serving anglocentric conceptions of social justice, but it’s time for us to go even further now. We need to criminalize dissent. We need to make it physically dangerous for people to challenge our politics. In order for us to create a world where everyone is subservient to the interests of urbanite progressive anglophones, we need to use the power of the state to punish our detractors. The working class, unfortunately, still hasn’t gotten around to mindlessly obeying us, and that is simply intolerable. They need to get with the program. Our petition to ban musical lyrics we find offensive is just one more push to help make that happen. It’s not enough, but we’re doing our part, and I hope all the other bourgeois University graduates will do theirs. Remember, working class scum: if you disagree with an English speaking liberal about anything, you deserve to die! We don’t have the power to kill you yet, but one day we will. So just agree with us now so we don’t have to hang you from a lamp post later."

Hamish Dorée, the owner of Montreal’s famed clothing retailer Les Gros Beau Vestes, has publicly admitted that his twenty year heroin addiction is the reason behind his business success. “Heroin has a really bad reputation,” says Hamish, “but if you use it responsibly, you can easily double your work productivity. The reason that my business has done so well was that heroin enabled me to push through when things were getting hard to handle.”

The successful retailer says that whenever life threw him a curve ball, he’d curl up with an eight ball of heroin and everything would be right with the world again. “Running a business is very hard. It’s a tremendous responsibility that involves the livelihood of your employees and the wellbeing of their families,” says Hamish. “A lot of business owners buckle under that pressure. I never had to worry about that, though, because whenever I got stressed out, I just pulled out a spoon and a needle and chased the dragon for a bit. When you get high on heroin, it’s like you press the reset button on your stress levels. This frees you up emotionally to refocus on your business.”

Hamish doesn’t understand why more business owners aren’t getting high on heroin. “I think MBA programs should teach all their students about the benefits of taking heroin,” says Hamish. “If all the CEOs in America had a heroin habit, we never would have suffered through the recession of 2008. Bernie Sanders should add a plank to his platform that promises to forcefully inject all CEOs with heroin on a daily basis. That’s what America needs right now. More heroin for business leaders will lead to a healthier, more equitable economy that everyone benefits from. Just ask my employees! I’m a good boss because I’m a high boss.”

A recent Quintiak poll shows that a majority of adults disapprove of teenagers fascination with pube suits, costumes that have holes in the armpits and pubic area on which long flowing locks of hair are attached. Nearly 65% of adults said that pube suits were affronts to common decency and that they would never allow their children to wear one.

It’s precisely this disapproval that has made the outfits so popular, claims sociologist Solomon Bundy. “Teenagers in our society are constantly trying to make their parents obsolete,” says Solomon. “Capitalism places paces in competition with their children, and so it encourages them to find new and novel ways in which to thoroughly and utterly humiliate their parents. The pube suit is simply a response to capitalism’s incessant demands that everything become a competition. Children must differentiate themselves from their parents and prove them to be morally and ethically out of date. The more parents resist the pube suit, the more children will view it as a sign of their parents weakness, and the more they’ll popularize it. In the not too distant future, ten or so years from now, nearly everyone in public below the age of 30 will be wearing pube suits to work, to school, to the gym. That’s the future capitalism has given us. A future where people attach fake her to their armpits and pubic areas.”

Betty Gray, a 17 year old student at Saint Ruckus High School, says she loves pube suits because they help her fit in at school. “It’s not that i’m trying to make my parents obsolete, it’s just that wearing pube suits is the only way to be cool at school right now,” says Betty. “If you don’t wear one, people will make fun of you and bully you. I don’t want to be a loser. I want to be a winner. I want to be popular. That’s why I love my pube suits.”

Scientists at McGale University have released a shocking study that confirms something most people have long suspected: listening to EDM can make you retarded -- or mentally unique, depending on which side of the culture war you’re on. “We prefer the term mentally unique,” says lead researcher Dr. Gill Williams. “Retarded is an ableist slur that minimizes the lived experiences of a community that has been marginalized by the cis-normative patriarchal working class that rules over our society with an iron fist. That said, yes, it does appear that EDM alters people’s brain structure in a way that makes them mentally unique so that they no longer fit into the straight jacket of normative behaviour expected of us. The more EDM you listen to, the more special you become. And that’s great, because our society needs more diversity. We need everyone to become more mentally unique.”

Not everyone considers this is a good thing. “First off, mentally unique is a euphemism for retarded,” says Jack Calice, president of the The Academy Delenda Est Foundation. “Now, I value scientists who engage in research that illuminate the ways popular culture is turning us into mouth breathing, knuckle dragging degenerates. Dr. Williams has performed an invaluable service to mankind by showing that techno music turns people into retards. However, I take umbrage at the way she sugar coats mental retardation and tries to spin it as something desirable. It’s okay to have normative preferences in society, it’s okay to want to establish baselines of mental health in our communities. It’s okay to say that something is normal. This entire fetishization of the fringe and marginalized is going to lead to the breakdown of civil society and the rise of violence on a massive social scale. You can’t have social cohesion without having goddamn norms that people share. Stop trying to make the fringes the centre of society, because eventually society will break into pieces and all the privileged blue blooded retards who work in our Universities and staff our bureaucracies will realize that human nature is, at it’s core, capable of incredible brutality and violence. We need norms because they stop us from killing each other. Get rid of norms, and eventually, we’ll get back to doing what we do best, which is watering the earth with each other’s blood. Norms suck on people who break them. That’s a fact. Are norms fair to people who fall on the wrong side of those norms? No, they’re not. Guess what, life isn’t fucking fair. None of us asked to be born. We were all thrown into the future without our consent, given strength and weaknesses we had no hand in choosing. Life is suffering. It’s a few brief decades of pain and misery and anxiety followed by eternal darkness. Our generation in the West has managed to escape the utter brutality that has shaped most human beings for most of recorded history. This peace will not last because the people who now control our society have lost sight of human nature’s dark side. Dr. Williams is a symptom of this trend. Instead of simply owning the fact that being retarded sucks ass, she wants us to pretend that it’s a good thing. It’s not. It’s a kick in the teeth in a world that’s always kicking people in the teeth. Stop celebrating weakness and labelling them strengths. Or don’t. I don’t care. When society starts collapsing all around you and the hoards start raping and pillaging everything, you’ll deserve it. If listening to techno retards your intellectual capacities, it’s okay to say it makes you retarded. ”

Dr. Williams disagrees. “Human beings are inherently good, it’s only culture that turns us to violence and depravity,” says Dr. Williams. “The language we choose to use determines how people in our society relate to each other. We need to erase the margins in society so that everyone feels included and cared for -- the idea that there needs to be fringes that exclude people in order for society to remain cohesive is nonsense. Our study on how techno causes people to become mentally unique has now become part of a larger conversation on ableism and marginalization. In this way, I am glad that troglodytes like Jack Calice are speaking out, as it allows us to shine a spotlight on his hatred. We, as a society, have a long way to go before everyone feels welcome and embraced.”

A Canadian psychologist is sounding the alarm on Bieber Fever, saying that the disease has finally gone too far. “It used to be, if you were obsessed with Justin Bieber, you’d just spend all your money buying his CDs, his clothing, or tickets to his concerts,” says Dr. Gwen Stazi, the world’s leading Bieberologist. “Today, though, women with Bieber fever have begun indulging in extremely unhealthy behaviours thanks to the internet, which allows mentally unhinged people to network with each other, creating sick communities that normalize mental illness. Fifteen years ago, super fans would engage in harmless idol worship. They’d cover their walls in posters, wear shirts of their favourite stars, collect memorabilia. But now, thanks to websites like Twitter and Tumblr, the fans are creating new ways of connecting to their idol, ways that aren’t necessarily good for their own wellbeing. Fans compete with each other over the internet, pushing each other to engage in increasingly bizarre behaviour.”

Dr. Stazi points out to one of the more alarming practices that has evolved out of the Bieber Fever fandom. “Most Bieber fans todays will ostracize you if you don’t have your very own Bieber Sex Dungeon,” says Dr. Stazi. “Your typical Bieber Sex Dungeon is a sparsely furnished white room covered in Bieber posters. The room usually has a mattress on the floor and on that mattress will be a well hung Justin Bieber sex doll. Fans expect you to build a room like this, then photograph yourself in the room giving head to your plastic life sized Bieber doll. If you don’t do this, they won’t accept as you as one of them.”

Dozens of young women have committed suicide after being excommunicated from the Belieber legions. “If your Bieber Sex Dungeon doesn’t earn the approval of other Beliebers, they’ll turn on you with a viciousness that would terrify even the most dangerous biker gang member,” says Dr. Stazi. “They’ll call up your work and try to get you fired. They’ll stalk you outside your house and pelt you with rocks. Being a Belieber requires an unhealthy amount of emotional dedication. It’s like a cult, and when the cult banishes you, it’s easy to feel as if your life is unmoored and meaningless. That’s why Bieber Fever is so dangerous. It’s okay to love his music, but you know, if you feel like you need to build a sex dungeon dedicated to him, you might want to ask yourself if you’re living a healthy, wholesome life.”

The decade long war between psytrance DJs and dubsteb DJs is on the verge of ending as members from both camps agreed to hold peace talks in March. “It’s time for us to end this cruel war,” says dubstep Patriarch Alphonso Ruthord. “Too many people have died in the name of deep bass and sick parties. We must put an end to this senseless bloodsheds that divides our musical communities. It is time for us to unite under a single brotherhood of EDM. The war must stop!”

Pope Algo Rithm, who heads the Church of Psytrance, agrees. “The days of hippie loving psytrance fans murdering meth addicted dubstep fans are over. It is time for our two people to heal the divisions that have torn us a part. We have suffered far too much in the years since the great schism of 2003. Now though, we must unite and become a single force in order to defend our fatherland from the invading hordes of hipster feminists, brainwashed by neoliberal propaganda machine, who have come to erase our communities and assimilate us into their bourgeois collective. If we do not unite to fight the hipsters, twenty years from now, dubstep and psytrance will no longer exist. The only music we’ll be allowed to listen to will be whatever garbage that affluent University educated feminists force down our ears.”

Patriarch Ruthord shares Pope Algo’s view. “Everywhere you turn, the tentacles of hipster feminism extend their reach. Popular culture is being colonized by rich white women from Ivy League universities. Today, if your art doesn’t satisfy their politics, they will use neoliberal globalist media outlets to destroy you personally. These hipster feminists, who work for billion corporations owned by neoliberal globalists, will ruin your life if you dare stand up against them. Eventually, they’ll turn to techno, the same way they’ve turned to everything else. They’ll try to colonize us, to turn our art and our music into another tentacle of the neoliberal globalist machine. We can’t keep killing each other when hipster feminists are amassing an army on our borders with the intent of invading us. We must unite now, or we will die tomorrow.”

Many psytrance and dubstep fans agree. “It’s time we stop hating each other and start hating hipster feminists who consume shitty media like VICE, which is owned in part by Ruper Murdoch,” says 23 year old rave Paul Piché. “How the fuck can you claim to be an anti-capitalist feminist when you work for Rupert goddamn Murdoch? At some point over the last twenty years, billionaires co-opted feminism and turned it into a weapon that they use to control society. We can’t let them colonize psytrance and dubstep the way they’re colonizing the rest of our culture. If we don’t resist modern feminism, our communities will die. In order to survive, we need to become allies against our common enemy: middle class white people who read Gawker, Vice, and other shitty media outlets that cater to bourgeois scum. Fuck them and fuck their classist feminism. EDM ÜBER ALLES!”

Nearly a quarter of Montrealers between the ages of 18 and 45 are currently dating anime body pillows claims online retailer Waifu4You. “Montreal is leading the world in body pillow relationships,” says Waifu4You founder Ted Snakeyeux. “The city is a real trendsetter when it comes to creating new ways of relating to inanimate objects. This is good news for environmentalists who worry about the booming human population. The more people date sexy body pillows, the less babies are born, the healthier our planet will become.”

Jared Odinson, a 24 year old mechanic from Point St-Charles, started dating his pink haired plus sized anime pillow last fall. “I’ve never had a 3D girlfriend,” says Jared. “I’ve been boycotting flesh and blood relationships ever since I was friend zoned back in high school by my first love. However, I was growing tired of spending my nights alone in bed, so I decided to order a 2d waifu off of Amazon. When I got my anime pillow in the mail, it was like a whole new world opened to me. I now have a perfect relationship with a sexy woman who nurtures me in a way human beings never could.”

It’s not only straight men who are dating anime body pillows, says Ted. “We have a whole line of body pillows for people of all genders and orientations. Gay pillows, straight pillows, male pillows, female pillows, unicorn and dinosaur pillows,” says Ted. “You name it, we make it. If there’s a a fetish you’ve got, there’s a pillow we make for it. Gone are the days where you have to engage in strenuous emotional labour in order to fulfill the basic human need of being touched and cared for by other people.”

Scientists have released dozens of the studies that show that dating an anime body pillow meets all the emotional and physical needs that human relationships do. “When you get right down to it, anime body pillows have all the benefits of real relationships and none of the downsides,” says Chinese cartoonologist Dawson Greek. “There’s no drama, there’s no chance of getting STDs from them, they’ll never break up with you or yell at your or physically or emotionally abuse you. They’re basically perfect. Human relationships are basically obsolete thanks to anime body pillows.”

Montreal has settled on plans to install tens of thousands of outdoor stripping poles in celebration of the city’s 375th anniversary. “After consulting with members of the public over the course of the last three years, we realized that people were clamouring to make Montreal an even sexier city than it already is,” says Mayor Donald Conair, “that’s why we’re excited to announce our plan to blanket the city’s sidewalks with stripper poles. No matter where you are in Montreal, you’ll never be too far from an opportunity to strut your stuff in public. We’re going to turn the entire city into the world’s largest strip club.”

Mayor Conair says that the city won’t stop at installing stripper poles. “We’ve created a $250 million dollar plan that we believe will incentivize public lewdness,” says the mayor. “We’re going to be installing public sound systems every few blocks that will kindly remind citizens that they’re not only allowed to get naked in public, they’re encouraged to. Not only that, but we’ll be creating a yearly contest that will award a million dollar’s to the city’s best outdoor stripper.”

The city’s plan to make public nudity more common will bolster Montreal’s reputation as a degenerate cesspool of sex, drugs, and rock and roll say critics. “Honestly, we need to turn Montreal around, to reconnect it with it’s Christian roots and remind people that there’s more to life than wanton sexual excess,” says Rev. Choquette Famnue. “We need to resacralize the public sphere instead of promoting a culture of vice that dehumanizes everyone, turning us into slabs of meat who dance for the public’s approval. We don’t need more stripping poles, we need more spirituality.”

Mayor Conair disagrees. “I find stripping to be a very spiritual experience, and the vast majority of Montrealers agree with me. Bring on the naked ladies! And men! And non-binary people! Nudity for one and nudity for all, that should be our city’s motto.”

Valentine’s day is around the corner and love doctors across the nation are urging people in relationships to Narnia and Chill. “Narnia and chill is like netflix chill, but with less sex and more LSD,” says Nova Scotia’s number one love guru, Dr. Vince Vawn. “Study after study has been made that shows that taking hallucinogenic drugs with your loved ones helps deepen bonds while healing emotional trauma.”

Dr. Vawn says Narnia and Chill became a country wide fad after teenagers from Montreal began referring to their weekly LSD trips as traveling to Narnia.”Some doctors ended up studying those teenagers, and they realized that they had incredibly healthy and loving relationships.” Several of these children grew up to become relationship therapists, teaching people how to connect to their partners with a little hallucinogenic help. “The original Narnia travellers revolutionized relationship therapy, though their pioneering work only came to light after one of their VHS tapes leaked on to the internet,” says Dr. Vawn.

The tape in question, which the internet has dubbed The Narnia Love Letter, features several eighteen year olds engaged in an LSD fuelled cuddle party while screaming the words PLUR over and over again. “It’s an incredibly powerful demonstration of what LSD can to do to revitalize your love life,” says Dr. Dawn. “Really heart warming stuff.”

Dozens of Vaporwave artists gathered in Montreal over the weekend to discuss the genres growing Nazi problem. Brooklyn’s DJ Karoda Night organized the event to help fight back against the creeping fascism that is slowly overtaking the Vaporwave scene. “It’s getting a little ridiculous,” says Karoda. “Vaporwave has a good chance of becoming the future of techno, but not if we let fascists co-opt the genre.”

Vaporwave is a recent addition to the techno pantheon that has seen its popularity boom over the last two years, but that popularity has come at a price. “Neo nazis across the internet decided to make Vaporwave the music of their people,” says anti-racist activatist Pericles Fox. “No one know’s exactly why it’s so popular with fascists, but if you go on youtube and search for their videos, odds are they’ll have a vaporware soundtrack. They can’t get enough of it, and that understandably pisses off Vaporwave producers.”

DJ Karoda Nite agrees. “I love making music, but if neo nazis keep using my tracks in their propaganda videos, I might have to stop releasing more albums,” says Karoda. “I don’t want to help enable their hatred. Music should be about bringing people together, not about establishing a 4th Reich under God Emperor Trump, lord of the Americas, or whatever the fuck it is that fascists are trying to do.”

Karoda’s not alone in his disdain for Vaporwave loving fascists. “I want you to imagine pouring your heart in soul into creating something, like a painting or a statue,” says music producer Ariel Hoganswarth. “Now imagine if half the people who show up to appreciate your art have little red swastika bands on their arms and tiny Hitler moustaches on their face. That’s what’s happening to Vaporwave right now. It’s terrible. We don’t want fascists to listen to our music. Most of our tracks don’t even have lyrics, and the ones that do are aren’t singing the praises of National Socialism. There is no bloody reason for fascists to like Vaporwave over dubstep or psytrance or happy goddamn hardcore. But we’re the community that gets stuck with nazis. What the hell.”

Ariel says it’s impossible to stop people from listening to her music, but she’s going to work hard to ensure that Vaporwave doesn’t become associated with it’s less savoury fans. “I’m going to be releasing an entire album of Antifa vaporware tracks. Nazis can fuck off.”

Sociologists from across the world gathered in Montreal on Monday to tackle one of the planet’s most pressing issues: are fuck zones the new friend zone? Attendants at the world’s first Friend Zone Studies Conference spent the better part of the day attending debates and lectures on the science and pathos of the so-called friend zone, that platonic area of interpersonal relationships that denies people access to one another’s genital gifts.

“The last twenty years has seen a huge surge in the popularity of friend zone studies,” says Dr. Paul Pott. “Right now, tens of thousands of people around the world have dedicated their careers to untangling the mysteries of this sex starved region of our lives. We’re only just beginning to understand its social dynamics. Many of my colleagues think we’re looking at the issue in the wrong light. They claim that we’ve put the cart before the horse. According to them, the friend zone is the byproduct of the fuck zone.”

The fuck zone, according to Dr. Pott, is what happens when a man, woman, or post-binary other kin, pursues a relationship with another person with the sole purpose of fucking them. “If you fuck zone someone who isn’t interested in letting you touch their genitalia, their natural response would be to friend zone you,” says Dr. Pott. “There’s no friend zone without the fuck zone. The fuck zone always comes first.”

Many feminists say that the fact that the friend zone is a more popular concept than the fuck zone is the result of us living under a patriarchal society. “It’s natural that in a patriarchal society cis-male sexual interests would take precedent over female and post-binary other kin sexual interests,” says sexologist Rouge Lahaine. “In order to chip away at institutional patriarchy we must replace the idea of the friend zone with the idea of the fuck zone. Social justice demands it.”

Dr. Pott agrees. “The science isn’t settled, but I think it’s obvious that the fuck zone comes before the friend zone. It always has. It’s time for the public to recognize that fact.”

Large penis syndrome is a real thing and doctors would like you not to laugh about it. “Every day, dozens of men across Canada kill themselves because their penis is simply too large for them to lead functional lives,” says urologist Dr. Dray Palma. “We’re not talking about men with 10 inch penises either, but massive monsters that are over over 14 inches long. The problem with having a gigantic penis is that people don’t take you seriously when you complain about it. However, having a massive penis can cause real problems that we need to approach compassionately and with an open mind.”

Lon Johnson is a 43 year old man who has struggled with suicidal thoughts ever since he was a teenager. “My penis terrifies women,” says Lon. “It’s 17 inches long and 9 inches wide. No woman wants that in her body. Whenever they see me naked, they shiver with fear. I have never had sex in my life. I simply got tired of women running away from me screaming after they saw me naked. My ego couldn’t take it anymore. I just want to find a woman who will love me despite my enormous penis. It’s not my fault that my cock is just too damn big. I didn’t ask to have a large penis. I was born this way. It’s a burden and I hate it.”

Dr. Palma says that large penis syndrome is a growing concern thanks to EDM’s popularity. “Studies have already proven that listening to techno will make your penis bigger,” says Dr. Palma. “And that’s not always a good thing. What happens when your penis is just too big to pleasure another person? Every day, techno enthusiasts find that the members between their leg has simply gotten too big for their britches. We, as a society, need to take large penis syndrome more seriously. It’s time for us to ban techno music, otherwise the time will come when men will simply have penises too large for women to handle. We’ll stop having babies and then we’ll die out. Techno is going to murder the human race by making our penises too large. We can’t let that happen. We need to end techno music before it ends human civilization.”