A massive brawl erupted at the plateau's La Sala Quota during a Nickelback tribute concert after some guests insisted that people use jazz hands instead of clapping. “Apparently, a lot of teenagers these days find the sound of clapping hands traumatic,” says Sam Finn, a witness of the brawl. “The noise just sends them their fragile psyches into total shock. They understandably asked everyone at the venue if they could just use jazz hands instead of clapping and whooping during the show. Jazz hands is when you sort of wiggle your hands around in the air like you’re an actor on a broadway musical."

This suggestion, however, offended several upper class white people, who told the teenagers that they were appropriating 1920s African American Harlem culture. “They called the teenagers racist,” says Sam. “They told them that they should be ashamed of themselves and that they were terrible human beings who deserved to die a gruesome death at the hands of angry mob."

The teenagers didn’t take too kindly to the comments. “The next thing you know, the teenage jazz hand advocates were punching the rich white people right in their rich white faces,” says Sam. “Then the rich white people screamed about how they were being oppressed for their political views. Then all hell broke loose."

The concert ended up being cancelled as a result of the melee. “Hands were jazzing, punches were flying, Nickelback was playing in the background,” says Sam. “It wasn’t the perfect night by any means, but I’ll be damned if it wasn’t hilarious. People getting into fist fights over jazz hands. Human beings are so ridiculous."

Forget sex, drugs, and rock and roll — today’s party kids are all about modest clothing, chaste sexuality, and moral outrage. “Puritanism is the new rock and roll,” says social critic Bobby Beaudoin. “People are tired of crass sexuality, objectified women, of and easy sex. Today, people want high neck lines, long skirts, and if there’s going to be any sex, it should be after people sign consent forms in triplicate. Outrageous sexuality is out, repressive puritanism is in."

Event promoters have caught on and Montreal’s party scene may never be the same again. “We’re starting to implement strict dress codes,” says organizer Kyle Berlin. “We don’t want cleavage on the dance floor, we don’t want men ogling women, we don’t want any grinding or inappropriate behaviour. Right now, we’re working on creating a party environment that’s sober, sombre, and temperate. We’re taking modesty to the extreme, and it’s a lot more fun than you think."

Ravers agree. “I just went to a party where the music was never louder than a kitten’s mewling,” says 19 year old Concordia student Tifa Lockhart. “And it was the most fun i’ve ever had. No one was on drugs, everyone was dressed very modestly, there wasn’t an ounce of sexual tension or a moment of unsettling intensity. Instead, we just had a very quiet night of dancing that didn’t involve any physical contact whatsoever. It was just delightful."

Not everyone agrees. “I miss the old raves with their loud ass music and rooms full of girls dressed in skimpy outfits being creeped on by old men,” says Michael Cauldron. “Those were raw. They weren’t always pretty, but they sure as hell felt more human than these bland white bread parties being thrown by sex negative hipsters. I miss the vulgarity, I miss the sexual objectification, I miss the nasty old guys. I want raves to be grim and gritty again. When I go to one of these sanitized event, even when I don’t take any drugs it still feels like I’m on valium."

Tifa doesn’t see it that way. “Some people don’t see the fun in being chaste,” says Tifa. “But if they come to enough puritan parties, they’ll learn that sex is overrated, but hating sex is simply sublime."

A firestorm has engulfed Montreal social media after a patron at Bar Les Fesses D’Or was stabbed in the abdomen during a fight on Saturday. Internet users across a dozen websites celebrated the attack, saying it was justified because the victim was white. It should be noted that everyone involved in the incident was caucasian and that police have clearly stated race played no role whatsoever in the attack. Witnesses say that the altercation started over an argument about whether or not the Lord of the Rings was better than Game of Thrones.

“Sure, that bar fight had nothing to do with race, but stabbing white people should be legal,” claimed Betty Leboss, a columnist for The Montreal Guardian, a progressive newspaper owned by a large media conglomerate based in the United States. “The lesson that we should take away from this tragic incident is that we need to insert racial animosity into every aspect of our lives, even aspects that have nothing to do with race. When we keep racism at the forefront of our mind, we’ll not only make the world a better place, but newspapers like mine will rack in way more money. Controversy sells, and anything that sells is good for society. Or at least it’s good for my employers bottom line, which is all I care about."

Many on Facebook and twitter agree. “I’m really happy that modern journalists engage in constant race baiting in order to stir up controversy after controversy,” says Melissa Couteau, a 25 year old McGill student. “If it wasn’t for journalists constantly telling us that we should be angry about everything, everywhere, always, we might enjoy our lives. And that would be awful. I’d much rather live my life in a perpetual state of frothing rage. Just imagine what would happen if journalists focused on building bridges between people instead of pitting them against each other? That would be terrible.."

Michael Edwick, a professor of journalism at McGonnicle university, agrees. “Journalism has nothing to do with reporting the truth — and that’s a good thing,” says Michael. "It’s all about maximizing profit. Peace isn’t nearly as profitable as conflict. Is it okay to stab white people? Of course not, but that’s the kind of question that makes people angry, and making people angry is what newspapers are all about. We shouldn’t mess with a winning formula."

Science has definitively proved something that many people have long suspected: ravers make terrible lovers.

Researchers at Devon University have been tracking the sex lives of ravers for the last twenty years, and what they discovered will shock you.

“Basically, ravers don’t know how to have sex,” says Dr. Ludwig Woltann. “A combination of factors are to blame, but the heart of the problem is that the sound frequency of EDM destroys the area of the brain that governs vasodilation, that is to say the dilation of the blood vessels, in a very peculiar way. Techno music physically deprives male genitals from receiving optimal blood flow while also interfering with the proper functioning of the female skenes gland."

In other words, men and women who listen to a lot of techno music will have much harder time getting hard or getting wet. “And the saddest thing is, this problem gets worse with time. The more techno you listen to, the harder it will be for men to get hard and the more difficulty women will get in lubricating themselves naturally. If you're a male who has listened to a lot of techno, chances are you can't even have sex anymore without the help of viagra."

Many people have long suspected techno music of having deleterious effects on the human body, but Dr. Woltann’s research is the first that offers an in depth explanation of why ravers make poor lovers.

“Basically, if you want to have a healthy sex life, instead of listening to techno, you should listen to anti-music."

Police officers in the city of Whalesberg, Oregon, will be handing out free marijuana to citizens on April 20th, a day when pot enthusiasts around the world celebrate their love of getting high. “Oregon is paving the way to end the war on drugs,” says Martin Crishugelé, a spokes person for the Whalesberg police department. “Across America, countless lives are ruined by the war on drugs and the officers of Whalesberg are taking a stand,” says Martin. “We’ve decided that handing out free marijuana to people who are of age is a good way of letting the rest of the country know that pot is harmless. The war on drugs is not."

Harriet Chiamanti, the long time mayor of Whalesberg, says that she support her police department’s marijuana giveaway. “When Chris Burner, the chief of police, came to me with this idea, I was skeptical. However, the more he explained his reasoning, the more it made sense to me,” says Harriet. “The war on drugs doesn’t work. The city of Whalesberg is taking an explicit stand against Washington D.C. We’re telling congress and we’re telling the white house that enough is enough. It’s time to end the war. On 4/20, we invite everyone in Whalesberg to get high. And do you know what will happen? Nothing dangerous. The world won’t end. People won’t kill each other. Our children won’t suddenly start worshipping Satan. Life will continue on as it always has, and that is what we want to communicate to everyone in America. We are spending billions and billions of dollars on a war against a very mild drug. It needs to stop."

Politicians in Washington condemned the plans. “Just because marijuana is harmless doesn’t mean it should be legal,” says Berryl Bellbottom, the senator for the state of Miami. “We made marijuana illegal for a very good reason, to discriminate against racial minorities and to protect the financial interests of logging companies who were in competition against hemp farmers. If we suddenly make marijuana legal, if we suddenly end the war on drugs, it will be way harder for the legal system to discriminate against people based on their race. We’ll have to come up with entirely new reasons to throw black people in jail. The democrats don’t want that, the republicans don’t want that, and American doesn’t want that. No, the war on drugs is doing exactly what it should be doing: keeping America safe from racial equality. I say no to legalizing marijuana and so should you."

Harriet says that Mr. Bellbottom’s words left her speechless. “At least politicians in Washington are finally being honest about why they support the war on drugs,” says Harriet. “That’s a positive step in the right direction, I guess."

Teenagers and young adults are crowding the isles of your local supermarket, but they’re not there to hunt for bargains, they’re there to get their groove on. “Supermarkets are experiencing an unexpected surge of popularity among 16 to 24 year olds,” says urbanologist Mike Sutherland. “They’ve become the go-to party place for the young and savvy. Today, teens and young adults are more interested in partying at your local IGA than they are in going to a dance club."

Teens say supermarkets owe their current cachet to the ascendance of normcore, a fashion movement that embraces the mundane and the dull. “Supermarkets are monuments to everyday living,” says 18 year old supermarket enthusiast Walter Isaac. “When you’re next to a wall full of breakfast cereal, dancing to the soothing muzak of your local supermarket’s PA system, you enter into communion with the banality of modern life. In some ways, supermarket dance parties are an act of resistance against capitalism. We’re saying, yes, we will consume and commodify, but we will do so while dancing!"

Supermarket owners are surprised by the current trend. “Every day, hundreds of people come to IGA to dance,” says supermarket owner Melissa Menard. "So long as they combine shopping with their dancing, we don’t mind at all. We’ve even tried to hire our own DJs once, but our customers told us that wasn’t the point. They didn’t want DJs, they wanted muzak."

Walter agrees. “No, we don’t want to dance to EDM, we want to dance to elevator music. The idea is to celebrate the sublime experience of mindless consumption. Muzak is supposed to be ignored, but we’re not ignoring it. We’re putting it front and centre. Normcore is about engaging society in ways that transform boring experiences into exciting ones."

Police in the Mexican state of Durango are being hailed as heroes after they freed dozens of ravers from a human zoo. “Members of the Los Locos Pocos Lobos Cartel kidnapped and enslaved ravers from around the world and placed them inside a bizarre human zoo,” claims lead investigator Maria Santos. “The scale of the operation is incredible, and the misery suffered by the prisoners indescribable. The existence of this human zoo emphasizes what police in Durango are up against."

Details of the human zoo are sparse at the moment, though some details have emerged, and the picture they paint isn’t pretty. “Victims are currently being examined by doctors at an undisclosed hospital,” says Maria. “We can’t comment on their individual conditions, but suffice it to say, they have been through a lot."

A source who was involved with shutting down the zoo said that the nightmare began five years ago. “One of the founding members of the Los Locos Pocos Lobos cartel thought ravers were ridiculous,” says the source. “Everything about ravers made him laugh. The way they dressed, the way they danced, the music they listened to — he thought it would be hilarious if the cartel owned a bunch of party kids. He then arranged to have ravers abducted, he built and designed cells for them, he came up with a thousand twisted ways to make them suffer. The key thing for this man was that his captives could never escape a raving atmosphere. They would be trapped inside a hellish party that never ended."

According to the source, the music never stopped. “He’d make them dance on command. Sometimes he’d force his captives to give each other tiger balm back rubs. That’s when he was being nice. When he was in a bad mood, things wouldn’t go so well for his slaves. He would often make them eat glowsticks."

The captives were apparently treated like the property of the entire cartel. “Any member could do anything to these ravers, except take them out of the rave. That was the only thing they couldn’t do. The party could never stop, though maybe party isn’t really the right word for what they experienced."

Conservatives across Canada are under fire after dozens of allegations surfaced over the weekend that they’ve been attacking ravers for sport. “We are not hunting people down,” says conservative MP Krual Ebilguy. “There is absolutely no merit to the allegations that members of the conservative party are going around with guns targeting ravers in some kind of twisted game of duck hunt. It's an outrageous lie that has been fabricated by the liberal media, and the fact that some people actually believe it suggests that we need to consider overhauling our educational system. It’s incredibly that anyone can be that gullible."

Ravers, however, refuse to believe the chorus of denials from conservatives. “Over the last two weeks, I’ve been chased down the street on multiple occasions,” says one raver who refused to be named. “On each of those occasions, the culprit chasing after me was a different elderly man, but all of them had white hair, a Stephen Harper button on their lapel, and an AK-47 in their hands. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. I think that’s a pattern."

Other ravers shared similar stories. “I was trying to listen to some psytrance when a white guy jumped through my window and started shooting at me,” says DJ Belieber. “I know the guy was conservative, because he kept yelling ‘Who is John Galt?’ at me over and over again. If I didn’t have lightning fast reflexes honed by years of mixing psychedelic beats together, I’d be a dead man right now. Psytrance gave me the speed to dodge a bunch of bullets, but i’m worried I won’t be fast enough to out run the conservative death machine.”

Conservatives, for their part, insist on their innocence and have repeatedly denied all ties to any anti-raver campaign. “If we were going to hunt people down, why would we start with ravers? I think it’s safe to say that we would start with poor people,” says Mr. Ebilguy, “not people who have poor taste in music."

Dozens of teenagers suffered serious injuries Saturday night after an explosion ripped through an abandoned industrial loft that had been recently used to cook crystal meth. “The teenagers unwittingly organized an illegal party inside a location that can best be described as a meth lab,” says Sgt. Batista of the SPVM. “According to our forensic scientists, the lab was still equipped with all the necessary gear and material to create the drug. We have yet to determine the exact reason for the explosion, but we assume it had something to do with the incredibly chemicals that were present at the loft."

Police say that they so far no reason to believe that the teenagers were the ones who initially set up the meth lab. “Details that we’re not ready to divulge to the public suggests that a third party was behind the meth lab. The teenagers are guilty of several things, like trespassing and being incredibly irresponsible, but we do not believe that they’re guilty of manufacturing crystal meth."

Tristina Baker, a 19 year old survivor of the explosion, claims that no one at the party knew that the location was a meth lab. “We just thought it was a funky industrial warehouse,” says Tristina. “We didn’t realize all that equipment was something out of a Breaking Bad episode."

Montreal councilman Marcelo Maladroite says that the explosion highlights the dangers that illegal raves pose to the public. “There’s a reason that people need permits to organize large raves,” says Marcelo. “Preventing deadly explosions is one of those reasons. How many people have to die in a fiery ball of fire before ravers realize that laws exist for a reason?"

Tristina claims that while raving can be dangerous, nothing will stop people from partying. “Dying in an explosion is just a risk you take when you decide to rave,” says Tristina. “If partying was safe, it’d be boring. I’m sad that some people almost died in the blast, but I’m happy I got some really good instagram photos out of the experience."

A West Island teenager has been arrested for impersonating a doctor at the Beaconsfield General Hospital. “He was inspired by the movie Catch Me If You Can,” says police spokeswoman Veronica Kazua. “He decided if Leonardo DiCaprio could convince people he was a doctor, so could he — so he ordered a white lab coat on eBay, some MDMA from a dark net drug forum, and made his way over to the hospital."

It took several weeks for staff to realize that the teenager wasn’t actually employed at the hospital. “He just seemed so confident and self-assured that we just assumed that he worked here,” says Benoit Cloutier, a nurse at the hospital.

The teenager spent his time at the hospital making rounds and talking to patients. “He gave his favourite patients MDMA,” says Veronica. “Thankfully, nothing serious happened as a result of his illicit ‘treatments’, however we were lucky that an attentive patient realized something was odd about a boy who looked about as old as Doogie Howser working as a doctor."

The fact that it took so long for someone to speak up says something about human psychology, claims criminologist Baker Goodings. “The fact is, if you pretend that you know what you’re doing, most people will just defer to you,” says Baker. “In the real world, you don’t need to know anything, you just need to act like you do. If someone can get away with pretending to be a doctor for several weeks, just imagine how many truly unqualified people are out there right now, working in all sorts of jobs that are way beyond their understanding. The next time you go to work, just look at the people around you. Chances are, at least one of them shouldn’t be there."

Are you privileged? Do you enjoy talking about it every chance you get? Then you’ll love Montreal promoter Ivan Ivanov’s “Privilege Parties”, a series of raves where white people get together to complain about privilege. “We’re changing the world by talking about ourselves” says Ivan. “Instead of dancing to EDM, we dance to the sound of oppression that emanates from the very fibre of our beings as white people. It’s a cathartic experience. At a privilege party, the mantra is: you were born into a racist, sexist social system that you have no control over -- and it’s all your fault. John Calvin is our DJ and Andrea Dworkin is our bouncer. It’s the most fun you’ll have hating yourself!"

19 year old Dawson student Emily Wintersnap says that Privilege Parties have opened her eyes to the pleasures of self-loathing. “Right now, pretending you care about oppression is really in,” says Emily. “It’s huge. That’s why multimillion dollar corporations like Vox Media and Vice are so gung-ho about privilege and oppression. Talking about privilege lets everyone know that you’re part of the in-crowd. You don’t see many working class people talking about it, and that’s the point. When you tell people that you care about privilege, what you’re really saying is that you have high social status and you look down on those who don’t. Our self-criticism is really just a bit of kabuki theatre that masks our vanity and pride. It’s all for show."

Vanity and pride are the heart and soul and privilege parties, says Ivan. “Do you think a bunch of wealthy white university graduates would be so obsessed with talking about privilege if they didn’t benefit from the discussion?” asks Ivan. “If you think their interest in social justice stems from compassion and empathy, you are adorably naive. The brilliant thing about my parties is that they make the self-serving nature of prattling on about privilege explicit. There’s no beating around the bush. We celebrate the venality, the posturing, the whole fakery of it all! We care about privilege because caring about privilege advertises how much power we have over other people. It’s like complaining about having too much money. It’s a very satisfying form of conspicuous consumption."

Emily compares Privilege Parties to BDSM without the sex. “It really is all about power,” says Emily. “When you tell someone about how privileged you are, it’s a way of showing off, a way of letting them know you’re better than they are, and that’s a lot of fun."

Ivan says his privilege parties aren’t just about dancing to the sound of oppression. “We also have a juice bar,” says Ivan. “Come for the privilege, stay for our delicious beverages made with fair trade cashew milk and premium organic fruit."

A disturbing trend has Montreal police warning the elderly to be on the look out for ravers. “We’ve noticed a surge of carjackings against older citizens,” says Sgt. Mary Bunswick of the SPVM. “The culprits in each case were described as young party goers who wore brightly coloured fun fur pants. Many of them sported plastic bead bracelets and some were sucking on pacifiers."

Ravers are baffled by the allegations that members of their community are engaging in carjackings. “First, who the hell dresses up like that anymore?” asks Leelee Leroux, a 21 year old EDM fanatic. “The only ravers who still wear fun fur pants are the elderly. That is so 1998. I don’t think people are being targeted by genuine ravers, instead I think they’re being targeted by people who want to make ravers look bad. This is a sabotage campaign. We’re being blind from crimes we didn’t commit. Next thing you know, the city will be cracking down on parties again in the name of public safety. It’s a giant false flag operation."

Criminologist Ludwig Vanderbeek disagrees. “Why would anyone go out of their way to make ravers look bad? They already look bad.” says Ludwig. “I believe these carjackings are the result of today’s small rave culture cracking under their own insignificance. Most people don’t even know that raves still exist. Stealing cars from the elderly is their way of reminding society that raving is still alive, it’s still subversive, it’s still a force in society."

Party promoter Kyle Berlin says that ravers have never been concerned with popularity. “Most of us just want to party in peace,” says Kyle. “We don’t care if the rest of society has no idea that raving is still a thing. Hell, we prefer it that way. We don’t want to bring attention to ourselves, we enjoy obscurity. These days, it’s a lot easier to throw an illegal party in Montreal, and that’s because police don’t pay any attention to us anymore. Thanks to these fun fur carjackers, that’s going to change."

A Roxborough mother was arrested over the weekend after she accidentally fed her two year old daughter bath salts. “The mother had a long history of drug abuse,” says police spokeswoman Gina Bobina. “She was preparing lunch for her daughter while in a drug induced haze and didn’t realize that she had sprinkled bath salts over the plate of pasta she had prepared."

Drug users aren’t always cognizant of their own behaviour says psychologist Bernie Madoff. “You can’t expect someone who is trapped in a spiral of drug addiction to behave rationally,” says Bernie. “It’s not uncommon for parents who have drug problems to share those problems with their children. Meth addicts often share their pipes with their children, coke heads often share lines with theirs, and bath salt users will frequently give some to their own kids. It’s a common problem that is rarely discussed by public health officials."

Thankfully, the young girl received prompt medical attention and was spared major health consequences. “The doctors were lucky to get to the girl in time,” says Ms. Bobina. “Bath salts are incredibly dangerous. Grown adults are hardly capable of handling the drug, to say nothing of a frail two year old child."

Dr. Madoff is calling on public health officials to step up and create a battle plan to help parents who struggle with drug addiction. “We are in desperate need of a system that will help track drug addicted parents and ensure they receive the help they need so that their children don’t suffer. This girl was lucky, many children aren’t, though."

Mechtroniks Sales Incorporated, a controversial Montreal firm that sells dinnerware via multilevel marketing, is being accused of child labour by angry parents after they organized a series of “Informational Raves”. The raves in question featured live DJ sets as well as seminars on achieving financial independence.

“I thought I was going to a normal rave,” says 18 year old Ghislaine Valentina, “but when I got to the party, I was guided to this small room where a man was giving a power presentation on how I could become a millionaire by selling knives door to door. He told the crowd that while we were free to leave the room to go dance, we would be missing out on a once in a lifetime opportunity. It was creepy. I’m pretty sure the guy was on cocaine."

Representatives for Mechtroniks deny any wrong doing. “Our Informational Raves might be unconventional ways to recruit employees, but they work” says Linda East, a Mechtronik employee. “Most ravers are unemployed, so we offer them an opportunity to make money while having fun. Everyone wins. The parents who are accusing of using child labour are utterly, completely wrong. Anyone under 16 gets turned away at the door. We follow Canadian labour laws to a fault."

Patrick Wallace, a parent of a teenager who bought a $500 silverware set from Mechtroniks, says that’s besides the point. “Even if what they’re doing isn’t strictly illegal, it’s certainly immoral. They’re preying on gullible children. It’s a bate and switch con game, first they tell these kids that they'll make a fortune selling cutlery to people, but before they can do that they have to buy a set of their own."

Jeffrey Wallace, Patrick’s 17 year old son, says his dad doesn’t know what he’s talking. “Sure, I had to buy this $500 set of cutlery, but you have to spend money to make money. After I sell a few hundred silverware sets, I’ll be rich! I totally recommend going to Mechtronik’s Informational Raves. You’ll learn how to make money and you’ll get to dance to some great EDM. It’s totally worth it."

Firefighters spent several hours battling a fiery blaze Thursday evening after half a dozen angry ravers torched the Chez Melodies music store in Mile End. “We managed to arrest two of the arsonists thanks to the help of several eye witnesses,” says police spokesperson Wayne Cullo. “Their fast thinking put an early end to what could have been a dangerous crime spree. They saw the ravers run, they followed after them from a safe distance, and they kept us on the phone until we could take over the chase."

The police say that the arsonists were targeting music stores that sold instruments. “The arsonists call themselves techno purists, and believe that all music should be entirely computer generated,” says Mr. Cullo. “They say they’re at war with music instruments. If it’s acoustic, if it has strings, if it has keys, than it’s archaic and needs to be destroyed."

Many artists fear for the future. “EDM fans are waging a holy war against the old ways,” says guitarist Lisa Kipper. “They think that artists who play instruments are holding back techno and that for techno to survive, we need to die."

Rave promoter Noah Thibeault agrees. “I don’t share the techno purists methods but I agree with their goals,” says Noah. “Computers and things that you attach to computers are the way forward. The more primitive it is, the more important it is for us to move on from it — how can we embrace the future of music when we insist on living in the past? Down with musical instruments, up with techno!"

A Montreal DJ has decided against pressing charges after a woman threw her used tampon at him during a set. “She said my music sucked and that I was an insult to EDM,” says DJ Bangsalot, “then she pulled out a bloody tampon from beneath her skirt and threw it at my head before running away in the crowd."

Witnesses to the bizarre tampon tantrum wrestled the attacker, 22 year old Amber Grace to the ground. “I think she was high on bath salts,” says Leanna Petitgrew, one of the people who helped apprehended Amber. “She kept screaming about having to purify the dance scene of bad music using Mother Gaia’s crimson."

Party promoters say that tampon tantrums have become increasingly common in recent years. “It’s not that DJs are constantly being hit in the face with used tampons by angry dancers,” says promoter Kyle Berlin, “but it does happen every once in a while."

Belina Murkhaus, an urbanologist who works for Montreal’s Youth Culture Centre, says that the rise in tampon tantrums is linked to internet culture. “The practice was popularized online,” says Belina. “It started as an urban legend. People posted apocryphal stories about DJs being assaulted by used tampons, which inspired a woman in Russia to do it for real. Her tampon tantrum was photographed, and that photograph went viral on the internet. Copycats then started popping up all over the place."

If it gets much worse, DJs will need to play behind glass windows, says Kyle. “We want our DJs to feel safe, but that’s hard to do if random people are going around throwing bloody tampons at them."

Doctors are warning parents to ensure that their children know the dangers of sharing needles. “We have seen a sharp rise in the spread of HIV among teenagers from the West Island,” says Dr. Lawrence Real of the Beaconsfield General Hospital, “and it’s all thanks to a bizarre new game that’s weeping playgrounds and school. It’s called Spin the Needle, and it’s every bit as dangerous as it sounds."

Late last year, principles as St-Lomas High School caught several teenagers in their school spinning a needle around. The students admitted under question to sharing the needle among each other. “They don’t put any drugs in the needle,” says Principle Maria Couteau, “they just put their blood in it, and then they spin it, and whoever the needle points to has to inject the blood that was in it."

Teenagers, for their part, claim that spinning the needle is the newest way of establishing intimacy among teenagers. “In the 1960s, holding hands was a big deal, in the 1970s, it was kissing, in the 1980s, it was giving blow jobs, in the 1990s, it was having sex, in 2000s, it was having group sex,” says Stacy McQueen, an 18 year old student who recently graduated from High School. “Today, teenagers are taking it one step further. We’re skipping sex and jumping right to sharing each other’s diseases. We want to out-risk everyone else."

Leonora Bedwig, a teenageologist who works for McGonnicle University’s Child Education Centre, says that the invention of spin the needle doesn’t surprise her in the least. “For the last hundred years, each generation has striven to break more taboos than the last,” says Leonora. "We’re fast approaching a kind of event horizon where there will be no more taboos to break. Spin the needle comes close to that horizon, but the envelope can be pushed even further. I predict that in the next ten years, teenagers will have invented something that makes spin the needle seem quaint and harmless.”

Dr. Lawrence Real isn’t so sure. “I fear for a future where sharing needles with people is considered safe compared to other teenage activities” says Dr. Real. “I think we, as a society, are failing our kids. The fact that they think sharing needles is a fun way to spend an after noon says something deeply disturbing about the culture we live in."