Police arrested an Etobicoke man for child abuse after receiving anonymous reports that he had forced his daughter to become a Psytrance DJ. “This was definitely one of the most horrifying cases of child abuse we’ve ever encountered,” says Officer Dale Biggins. “The dad in question had pulled his daughter out of school in order to subject her to an inhumane psytrance education. The young girl was forced to listen to techno every waking hour of the day, and would have to analyze the music in extreme detail which she would later be quizzed on.”

The young girl would be forced to take DMT whenever she failed an exam. “He’d wear these weird fertility masks while she was on DMT, then he’d yell at her about machine elves,” says Officer Biggins. “Needless to say, she end up experiencing things no one should ever have to go through.”

When the father wasn’t torturing his daughter with powerful hallucinogenic drugs, he was forcing her to produce psytrance music in Logic. “Sometimes, when he was feeling particularly mean, he’d make her use Fruity Loops,” says Officer Biggins.

The young girl produced over five hundred psytrance songs for her father, many of which ended up on home made CDs that he would sell in front of Toronto head shops and health food stores. “The psytrance CDs that this man sold on the sidewalks of Toronto were the product of cruel child labor,” says Officer Biggins. “We’re happy we managed to save this girl, but we’re worried that their might be more children like her. Little boys and girls who are being forced by their parents into making techno music. Techno based child labour is a problem few people know about, but it’s very real, and very sad.”

The best lovers in the world are 37 year old balding rave promoters according to a titillating new study. Researchers at the Institute for Urban Sexual Metrics spent the last five years cataloguing the sexual exploits of over a million people across North America, and after crunching the numbers, they discovered a shocking fact: bald 37 year old rave promoters are the best lovers in the world. Calling them walking aphrodisiacs might be an understatement.

“The study is conclusive,” says lead researcher Dr. Jaide Gromelon. “Bald 37 year old rave promoters are the embodiment of sexual peak performance. We identified over fifty of them across the continent, and every last one of them was responsible for sexually devastating their hometowns. Any man or woman who slept with one of these virile specimens was forever ruined. Once you taste the forbidden fruit of the balding mid thirties rave promoter, no one else can ever satisfy you again.”

Not only that, but some people actually go into acute sexual withdrawal, claims Dr. Gromelon. “We’ve even documented a few cases of people dying once they stopped having sex with 37 year old balding rave promoters,” says Dr. Gromelon. “Their bodies became addicted to the life sustaining sexual bliss provided by these promoters, and once they were no longer being sexually satisfied by them, it was like their internal organs simply gave up on life.”

This is something to keep in mind if you ever encounter a 37 year old bald rave promoter in the wild. Once you start having sex with him, stopping might be bad for your health.

Calgary police have arrested 23 year old bartender Todd Lottakyle after he was caught violating the cat of a woman he met through an online dating site. Melissa Finkelstein, the cat owner, caught Mr. Lottakyle in flagrante delicto with her 2 year old siamese kitty after leaving the two alone in her living room. “I went to the washroom to spruce up, and when I got out, there he was with his pants down around his ankles and my cat looking none to pleased.”

Police have reason to believe that this isn’t the first time that Mr. Lottakyle has sexually availed himself to the feline friends of the women he’s met through online dating. “We suspect that Mr. Lottakyle is a serial cat rapist,” says Officer Shayla Shamoniya. “He trolls online dating sites for profiles of women with cats, and if he finds a cat he finds attractive, he’ll try to get a date with her owner.”

This wouldn’t be the first time online dating sites struggled with cat rapists. “There’s a lot of men out there who start online dating profiles as a false pretence for their kitty thirst,” says sexologist Ross Sesvrai. “They’re not there to meet women, but to meet their emotionally and sexually vulnerable pets. A lot of experts have been arguing for years that online dating sites need to do something about this kitty business, and I’m hoping the attention that this case gets will force them to invest money to prevent future crimes against cats. Until then, if you own a cat, don’t mention it on your dating profile.”

Ravers across the planet are organizing the world’s first snort-in, a protest where activists snort cocaine — all in an effort to show solidarity with the Columbian refugees being turned away at the American border. “Borders aren’t real, but Columbian white snow sure as hell is,” says coke enthusiast and human rights activist Charlie Doge. “As long as the Trump administration insists on putting borders before people, me and my buddies are going to snort cocaine in an act of public defiance. This isn’t about getting high, it’s about civil disobedience and resisting the the tyranny of walls, the tyranny of white racism, the tyranny of ethnic insularity.”

Charlie, the brainchild behind the snort-in, says that the idea came for him one night while he was enjoying an eight ball of pure white pleasure in the back alley of his local pornographic movie theatre. “I was just there, contemplating the meaning of it all, when I realized… It isn’t fair that I get to enjoy Columbian cocaine in the USA while the people of Columbia aren’t even allowed across the border. It’s easier to get coke into this country than it is to get people into this country. That’s messed up.”

That insight inspired him to go on a five hundred tweet rampage on Twitter, a website that’s incredibly popular with trust fund kids who pretend to be journalists. His tweets caught the eye of Dino Johnson, the editor in chief of the billion dollar left wing media behemoth NullVirtue. NullVirtue, which is partly owned by some of the world’s most notorious neoliberal oligarchs, threw its support behind Charlie, and helped turn his twitter phantasm into reality.

“Thanks to the help of a billion dollar corporation and its army of trust fund journalists, me and a bunch of ravers are going to snort cocaine for justice next week,” says Charlie. “We’re going to get high for a cause, and hopefully we’ll convince a few people that it’s time we got rid of borders and embraced a world without walls.”

A Toronto rave promoter ruined his chance to sleep with a beautiful young lady this Friday when he offered her money in return for sex. “I was going to sleep with him originally,” says Tina LaBelle. “Why else would I have agreed to go to his place at 5 am after a night of partying? But then he had to go and ruin things by telling me he’d give me $1500 for lifting up my skirt and bending over. It was so awkward. I would have fucked him for free, but the moment he took out his wallet, I just wanted to get out of there.”

Experiences like Tina’s pay-for-play mishap are on the rise as an increasing number of young men choose to replace foreplay for fat stacks of cash. Sexologist David Gingerman blames this new development on the increasingly fast paced nature of capitalist society. “Men no longer have the patience for foreplay,” says David. “Now they just want to skip it entirely, and they think the best way to do this is by throwing money at women. They’d rather buy intimacy than build it up.”

A recent study by the Manhattan Institute for Sexual Fulfilment shows that over 45% of men under 30 would rather just offer a woman $200 for a blowjob than take her out on a date to slowly cultivate enough intimacy and sexual chemistry for oral sex to happen organically. “This is the swipe-right, next day shipping culture in full bloom,” says David. “Men have become impatient. They want what they want and they want it now, and they’re willing to offer gold coins in exchange for good coitus — at least if it saves them time. Unfortunately, not all women are down with this new exchange economy, and this disconnect means that some men who are about to get free sex don’t realize it, so they end up getting no sex at all. Remember boys, don’t offer her money until you’re sure she isn’t offering it to you for free.”

Many debates have captivated the public’s attention for centuries. What came first, the chicken or the egg? What happened before the Big Bang? Does God exist? There are so many mysteries in the world, but none of them have had quite the longevity of the controversial folk belief that regular fist fighting is the key to romantic bliss.

“People have been arguing about this for millennia,” says Dr. Chase Kudepoin of the Martial Romance Institute. “It’s one of those issues that no one has ever settled — until now. My team of researchers have spent the last several years investigating couples around the world, measuring both the level of violence and sexual satisfaction in their relationships. We’ve interviewed over fifty thousand couples across one hundred countries. This is the largest study of its kind, and the results are conclusive: couples that beat the shit out of each other regularly are more likely to experience deep sexual satisfaction. And that’s not all — they’re more likely to have healthy, happy children, and they’re less likely to get divorced. A lot of positive things are correlated with romantic fist fighting.”

Dr. Kudepoin does caution that romantic violence needs to be reciprocal in order for couples to benefit from it. “It turns out that egalitarian violence is a solid predictor of increased sexual satisfaction,” says Dr. Kudepoin. “The same isn’t true, however, if the violence is one sided. Those relationships tend to be short lived. The moral of the story is that if you want to benefit from domestic violence, you both have to engage in it in equal measures. Love that’s a boxing match between equals is good for the loins, while love that’s a one-sided beat down is not.”

Rave promoter Edith Edinburg, a 23 year old London native, was caught stealing food from a charity food drive the she herself organized. “She threw this big “feed the poor” themed rave, asking people to donate food and money for a good cause — but then she kept everything for herself,” says party kid Lester Leningrad. “We all thought we were doing something good, something that would make the world a better place! In the end though, all we did was stock Edith’s cupboards with a years worth of canned food.”



Over two hundred ravers attended Edith’s charity event, which she had delightfully titled “Don’t Be A Whore — Feed The Poor”. The party attracted a small army of good samaritan party kids who donated over a literal ton of food, clothing, and toys. “I volunteered for the party, and we ended up getting over a thousand cans of food, a hundred bags of assorted beans and legumes, and at least two dozen cases of energy drinks” says 19 year old Lynn Canthrope. “That doesn’t even touch on any of the toys and clothing we got. When I found out that Edith simply drove home with all the goods that were donated, I was completely crushed. How could someone do something like that?!”

This isn’t the first time that a rave promoter has organized a fake charity drive. “Most rave promoters are bad people,” says police detective Simon Minsinson. “That’s why you should always be suspicious when a rave promoter says they’re doing something good for the community. That’s like a serial killer saying he wants to save lives or a capitalist saying he wants to liberate the working class. You need to use a bit of common sense.“

Chipwizz, the world’s first incel rave, will soon rock the beaches of Vancouver with a chiptune lineup sure to make angry virgins forget their rage for at least an evening. The controversial pro-incel party was the brainchild of Todd Donun, a 24 year old party promoter and involuntarily celibate man from Burnaby.

“Incels get a bad rap,” says Todd, “and they don’t deserve it. I wanted to throw an event that celebrated the incel community, an event that said that even though everyone hates us, we can love ourselves. And what better way to express our self-love than by dancing to chiptune tracks, the official music genre of the incel community?”

Many incels share this view. “I can’t wait for Chipwizz,” says Vlad Vladostov, a 34 year old chiptune DJ and incel advocate from Seattle. “In a lot of ways, this event isn’t just a coming out party for incels, but also a coming out party for the chiptune community. It’s a way of letting the world know that not only are incels great, but we're the ones responsible for chiptune music. It’s a little known fact, but over 85% of chiptune artists are incels. If psytrance is the music of degenerate hippies, and vaporwave is the music of cyber-fascists, and happy hardcore is the music of creepy old men who hang outside of schools looking at children with binoculars, then chiptune is the music of unwanted and involuntarily celibate men and women. And that’s something that people need to know. We use our suffering to create beautiful music."

Todd agrees. “Chiptune music is an incel art form, and no one realizes that — and that needs to change. People will continue to fear incels if all they know about us is that we want Western civilization to collapse because we can’t get laid,” says Todd. “Incels are more than just sex starved reactionaries, though. We’re also passionate creators of nostalgia based 8-bit techno music. And if people get to know that side of our community, maybe they won’t be afraid of us so much -- maybe they'll even go down on a few of us. I think that'd be pretty cool.”