The Montreal police have issued a warning to parents about a network of vile pedophiles that are throwing raves with the sole intention of finding young teenage girls to conquer sexually. “We have evidence that a group of middle aged men have begun throwing parties in our city in order to locate young girls that they can groom for sexual purposes,” says Sgt. Arnold Batista of the SPVM. “Given the serious threat that these old perverts pose to the teenagers of Montreal, we’ve decided to issue this public warning even though our investigation is still ongoing. We want parents to know that raving is full of creepy old men who want to have sex with their nubile young daughters.”

Party kids in Montreal say they’re not surprised. “Every time I go to a rave, I see some forty year old guy with a bald spot hitting on 14 year old girls,” says St-Henri’s DJ Floppy. “They usually offer the girls drugs and then take advantage of them. It’s awful. The rave community needs to band together and put an end to the tyranny of old rapey ravers.”

Promoters agree. “Me and my promoter buddies have decided to enforce age limits at all our parties,” says 43 year old event organizer Tommy Davos. “No one over 18 will be allowed. Rest assured, the young girls of Montreal will be safe at our events. We’ll treat them like delicate princesses and protect them from all the sexual predators who might want to deflower them."

The story that follows will trigger anyone with an ounce of empathy. There’s no end to the utter depravity that the human race is capable of, as evidenced by the existence of the rape race cave rave that police in Montana raided over the weekend, where officers valiantly freed over a hundred men and women from a horrid fate at the hands of depraved rave promoters.

These dastardly promoters had lured their victims to a dark cave in Montana’s central park, where they were then trapped and subjected to an assortment of sexual cruelty. “The promoters dubbed the event the Rape Race Cave Rave,” says Sgt. Don Hilkins of the Montana Police Department. “They basically organized a race to see how many ravers they could rape over the course of a night. Men, women, it didn’t matter. Their goal was to brutalize their guests like villains from a low rent horror movie.”

The police only caught wind of the event after they found a flyer for the cave rave in a parking lot in downtown Montana. “The guests are lucky that we take illegal raves seriously,” says Sgt. Hilkins. “If we had ignored the party instead of raiding it, who knows what those promoters would have done to their victims once they were through with them. There’s a reason people shouldn’t go to illegal parties, and it’s because you never know if they’ll turn out to be rape race raves. If you don’t want to be a victim of rape race rave, don’t go to illegal parties. The police won’t always be there to save you.”

Le Sade, Montreal’s premier gothic nightclub, has released a press release declaring it is the first club in North America to be powered entirely by aborted babies. “We purchase human waste products from hospitals, and then incinerate that waste for energy,” says club owner Gregory Benoit. “We got the idea for aborted baby power from a recent student in England that showed many of their hospitals over there generate energy from dead foetuses. I asked myself if hospitals were doing it in the U.K, why couldn’t Le Sade do it in Montreal?”

Gregory says that turning dead babies into electricity really helps give a certain atmosphere to his nightclub. “Le Sade is dedicated to creating a dark and nihilistic atmosphere,” says Gregory. Now when people come to my club, they’ll know that it’s the ashes of the dead that are powering the speakers that are pumping out their favourite aggrotech beats, that the cinders of the unborn are what make the lights at Le Sade flicker. The dead are what make our club boom.”

Pro-life activists are horrified by the Le Sade’s existence, though they’re not surprised. Penny Goodweather, president of the Save Babies Not Whales Foundation, says it was only a matter of time before private enterprises began using dead babies for electricity. “Once public facilities like hospitals started using dead babies as a source of fuel, it was inevitable that businesses would follow their lead,” says Penny. “The government views human beings as cattle. That’s all we are to them. We’re just meat waiting for the butcher’s block. So-called pro-choice activists don’t realize that the culture of death that they champion will inevitably lead to their own dehumanization at the hand of massive bureaucracies that view human beings as resources to be managed for the rich and powerful.”

Forget Ibiza and Bali, North Korea’s the new top party destination for wealthy ravers. Thousands of well-to-do party kids across Europe and America have been flocking to the reclusive totalitarian regime in order to dance to authentic communist techno music. “North Korea in 2016 is like Goa in 1995. It’s the heart and soul of the international rave scene,” says trendy 25 year old Melina Moulitsa. “When I’m dancing in one of their labour camps, looking at all the emaciated workers break rocks with pickaxes, I feel so free and alive. ”

North Korea has been struggling financially for decades, but that might change now that the country’s leadership has decided to pursue it’s Degenerate Westerner Financial Revitalization Plan, which calls for milking rich westerners of all their money by offering them access to easy sex, drugs, and high quality EDM.

“We want to milk the capitalist devils for all they’re worth,” says DPRK spokesperson Park Jae-Sang. “That’s why we’ve started organizing raves. We want to attract rich capitalists, then get them addicted to heroin and whores, and then steal all their money. We’ll throw the best parties in the world, parties that western trash will never want to leave from. Parties that they won’t be able to leave from.”

The DPRK has plans to open up several tourist resorts over the next decade, each one dedicated to a different techno genre.

Montreal’s vibrant lunch rave scene is facing a new and exciting challenger: the lunch time opium den. “I love lunch raves, but I love taking opium even more,” says Donald Schtroumph, the organizer of the city’s first Opium Den Lunch Break Party. “That’s why I decided to organize the city’s first lunch break opium den. We’re only open between 10am to 2pm, and during that time, we’ll offer you the best opium experience you’ve ever had. Why dance your ass off to EDM when you can chase the dragon at an old school, 19th century inspired opium den?”

Donald says that his month of operations have gone far better than he ever expected. “Business men and women from across Montreal are flocking to our lunch time opium den to see what it’s all about,” says Donald. “It’s gotten to the point where I’m going to have to open up multiple locations soon.”

Lunch time rave promoter Alice Fargo says she might not be able to compete with opium dens. “Attendance at our events have been halved since Donald opened up his opium dens,” says Alice. “I guess people would rather get high on drugs than high on techno music. It’s sad.”

Some people think that choosing the right music is the key to throwing a great party. Others believe it’s all about location, location, location. Pick the right venue, and you’ll guarantee that your guests have a great time. Teenagers in Vermont though, have an entirely different idea of what it takes to throw an epic party: bukkake, the age old Japanese practice of group ejaculation.

The ancient eastern tradition of bukkake has become a hit sensation in the sleepy state of Vermont. “Bukkake parties are incredible,” says 18 year old Jessica Underwood. “There’s nothing that makes you feel alive quite like having a room full of men ejaculate all over you. It’s so much fun!”

No one knows exactly why Vermont teenagers have embraced bukkake parties, but there’s no denying their growing popularity. “Everyone in Vermont loves bukkake,” says 48 year old Bukkake promoter Travis Grosbique. “Especially the younger generation. If you’re between the ages of 18 and 21, chances are you’re spending your Saturday night in a room full of naked people who are frantically ejaculating all over each other.”

Travis says that Vermont bukkake parties are more egalitarian than their Asian counterparts. “In Asia, bukkake usually involves a single woman surrounded by a circle of men,” says Travis. “In Vermont, bukkake parties are a lot less chauvinistic. They’re basically free for all events where men and women try to see who can come on who the most. It’s like a water gun fight, but with vulvas and testicles, and instead of water, people are using their bodily fluids. It’s great. Really primal. Really animalistic. And after you get over the ickiness of it all, it’s a lot of fun.”

Jessica agrees. “You have no idea how awesome it feels to just cut loose. You haven’t felt real freedom until you’ve tried spraying your juices all over a room full of people,” says Jessica. “It’s the definition of liberty.”

Only time will tell if Vermont bukkake parties will spread to the rest of America.

Joe Demarco, New York City’s rambunctious liberal mayor, is receiving plaudits from around the world after he told the raver community to get its act in order. “Ravers are a disgrace!,” said the mayor on a Sunday morning talk show. “They have bad taste in music and they should feel bad about that. Instead of listening to classical music or hip hop or something with real cultural value, they choose to listen to a bunch of monotonous robot farts. That’s what techno is. Robot farts.”

The comments were well received by the people of New York, who have grown increasingly tired of the drug addled antics of the city’s rave community. “We’re just sick and tired of ravers,” says Manhattan butcher Thomas Wayne. “They don’t add any value to the city. Not only that, but they chase away real artists who contribute to our culture with their loud repetitive music. I’m happy our mayor is finally picking a fight with them. The ravers have gotten away with their crap for far too long. We need to chase them out of our city.”

Ravers, for their part, are baffled by the mayor’s hostility. “I think some natty haired psytrance lover must have pissed in his cornflakes,” says New York’s DJ Clopclop. “I mean, his anti-raver rant came out of nowhere. I don’t think anyone should trust a mayor who’s that passionate about people who listen to techno. His priorities are a mess.”

Toronto will soon be home to The Detroit Beatsmith, the world’s first rave themed restaurant, where all the waiters are dressed like drug dealers, the maitre d’hotel is also a DJ, and every item on the menu is inspired by a bit of techno history. Even the poutine is EDM themed say restaurant owner Barkley Dawson.

“I wanted to create something unique, an eating experience that would transport people back to their first rave party,” says Barkley. “Hell, I even have an arrangement with the Toronto police so that they raid our restaurant every couple of weeks. You’ll be there eating your meth flavoured tacos when all of a sudden a dozen officers will bust into the restaurant and chase you outside.”

The Detroit Beatsmith is set up like a party venue and not a restaurant. “We have porta potties instead of toilets, we use strobe lights instead regular lights, our speakers are incredibly powerful so don’t expect to have normal conversations over here either,” says Barkley. “Basically, imagine a rave that also sold food. That’s what you get when you come to the Detroit Beatsmith. It’s the only restaurant of its kind.”

The restaurant will have it’s grand opening on the 28th of April. Dress codes will be effect, so patrons will have to wear fun fur pants, candy bracelets, and carry glow sticks in order to get in.

Watching anime makes you smarter, at least that’s what scientists at Vancouver’s Chinese Cartoonology Centre claim in a new study they just released. “We spent over a year studying University students who watched Chinese cartoons,” says lead researcher Dr. Ryu Kittenme. “Our research shows that these students gained one IQ point for every twenty hours of Chinese cartoons they watched.”

Dr. Kittenme says that this gain in intelligence had a price. “Unfortunately, for every IQ point they gained, our test subjects lost one potential sex partner. Simply put, people who watch too many Chinese cartoons become highly intelligent but unloveable trolls that repel the opposite sex. This is true for both men and women. Watching anime makes you smarter, but it also murders your sex life.”

Many Chinese cartoon fans say they’re not surprised by the study. “I used to struggle at school, but then I started watching the anime masterpiece Legend of the Overfiend on repeat. These days I’m at the top of my class,” says 24 year old University student David Durkheim. “Unfortunately, ever since I started my anime study regimen, women find me repulsive. I’m not sure if the price was worth it.”

Dr. Kittenme says he hopes to discover a way of neutralizing the negative effects of watching anime. “Getting smart shouldn’t come at the cost of getting off,” says the doctor. “We know how to raise people’s intelligence, now we just have to figure out how to do that without destroying their sex lives.”

Party promoters in Portland, Oregon have called on club owners to replace their coat checks with privilege checks. “It’s about time that people recognize that checking your privilege is more important than checking coats,” says DJ Randy Marsh. “I think everyone would feel a lot safer at events if customers had to check your privilege at the door. Yeah, some people might carry guns in their coat pockets, but other people carry the privilege of white systemic racism and male patriarchal oppression in the very marrow of their bones. I think it’s just good common sense that if we expect people to check coats to make clubbing environments safe, then we should also expect them to check the ways their very existence oppresses and marginalizes other people.”

Donald Wiggs, owner of Portland’s Club Cocuage, agrees. “I think any club that strives to create a safe and welcoming environment for people should institute privilege checks at the door,” says Donald. “That’s why any time a white male enters our club, we tar and feather them before they’re allowed to hit the dance floor. It’s our way of teaching white men that their very existence is horribly oppressive on a deep and immutable level. So far the results have been great.”

Patrons at Club Cocuage agree. “Oh man, I hate myself so much,” says 23 year old white male Vincent Hugo. “That’s why I love coming here! It’s like wow, this is a club that treats me with the kind of contempt that I deserve. I really hope privilege checks become more common. Just imagine how great it’ll be when white men get shit on no matter where they go? God, what a time to be alive. Kill whitey!”

Not everyone is as enthusiastic about privilege checks. “I think middle class white people are radicalizing poor white people by treating them like they’re subhuman scum,” says Felix Dorival, the owner of Portland’s Lemon Blossom Club. “A lot of anti-racist activism is really just elitism dressed up in altruistic garb. It’s going to end badly. Pissing on the poor is now socially acceptable among progressives so long as the people they’re pissing on are white. Then progressives wonder why Donald Trump has so much support. They’re idiots, and if they don’t get their shit together and start treating working class people with respect, Trump will look like Mr. Rogers compared to what follows him.”

Dubstep is out and cuckstep is in -- at least according to music producers in California. “Oh yeah, no one listens to dubstep anymore,” says Jayce Smith. “If you want to make a name for yourself in the EDM scene, you’ve got to release a cuckstep album. That’s what all the cool kids are listening to these days.”

Cuckstep is the newest, hottest music genre to set the techno world on fire. It’s what you get when you mix retarded shit that progressives say with techno music. It’s a glorious and irreverent genre designed to piss off snot nosed University brats who think that the world should kneel before them in supplication.

Punk used to be the music of rebellion, but that was back in the days before the progressive left became The Man. The rise of Silicon Valley has forever changed the political balance of our society. In the past the academic assholes who pollute our Universities were treated with the contempt that they so rightfully deserve, but now those self-important twats are being taken seriously by the socially inept losers who run Silicon Valley.

The end result is that left-wing academic bullshit has become the lingua franca of the new ruling class. Let’s be clear, these nerdy assholes don’t give two righteous fucks about gender issues or minority rights or any of the other Tumblr terms that they love to vomit up day in and day out. Left wing dogma is, in the hands of these billionaire dweebs and their noisy academic lapdogs, a shibboleth that helps identity people by their social class. Public avowals of left-wing ideology are how members of the bourgeoisie, the credentialed classes, and the nouveau riche identify each other. They promote equality in theory, but inequality in practice. The language of the political left is is the verbal equivalent of a Rolex watch or a Louis Vuitton bag. It’s all about showing off that you’re high status.

That’s what makes cuckstep so refreshing. Cuckstep mocks the empty moral posturing of the academic class. It sticks out its tongue at these naked emperors and taunts them into putting on some bloody pants.

Cuckstep takes the faux outrage of hipster student activists and turns it into a joke. Its very existence points to growing resistance against the unholy alliance of the credentialed class and its wealthy patrons. The academic left, by embracing social status as a bludgeon to use against its opponents, has made itself vulnerable to attacks on their own social status. And those attacks are just getting started.

Police in Toronto are warning citizens not to order IPAs at bars after a man was beaten to death for doing exactly that. “There’s a growing movement of people who are fed up with hipsters who blather on about their love of IPAs,” says Sgt. Hugo Heffner of the Toronto Police Department. “And who can blame them? The craft microbrew crowd can be incredibly obnoxious. I know i’ve gotten the urge to smack a snobby beer enthusiast at a bar before, but I didn’t, because it’s illegal to assault people. Just because IPA drinkers are annoying doesn’t mean you have the right to beat the shit out of them.”

IPA enthusiasts say that threats of violence won’t stop them from drinking top quality beer. “And it won’t stop us from lecturing people about their taste in beer either,” says alcoholic George Hunter. “When you drink a shitty beer, it’s like your pissing on the entire craft of brewing. It makes my blood boil. I can’t help but hector the plebes who drink Molson and Labatt. Like dude, that shit is piss water. Drink a real beer. Drink an IPA.”

Bar owners say they’ll continue selling IPAs at their establishment, though they’ll also ask beer enthusiast not to mock other’s for their choice in drinks. “We believe that all beers are created equally,” says bar owner Rafael Cruz. “You don’t get to decide which drink is better or worse. That’s an individual decision that’s up to each and every one of our patro

Public blowjobs have become de rigueur over the last few months after Donald Trump fans popularized them as part of their war on political correctness. You’ve probably all heard the story of how Jennifer Rawling, a Trumpista, gave her boyfriend Todd Ryan a blowjob on the streets of Chicago after the pair were violently attacked by an intolerant Bernie Sanders supporter.

The act, which was captured on film, has served as a rallying cry by an American public that has grown increasingly tired of left wing moral scolds. Ever since that fateful blowjob, Trump fans have been engaging in public oral sex everywhere they go. It’s their way of telling the puritanical sex negative followers of Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton to fuck off.

“If Sanders supporters had their way, sex would require multiple written consent forms,” says Jason Irons, a coal miner from Virginia. “I’m not even joking, Sanders supporters believe in affirmative consent, which basically means every time you do something different during the course of a sexual encounter, you need to get explicit permission from your partner, and the only permission that counts in a court of law is the kind that’s written down. So you’re a dude and you want to switch from missionary to doggie style, well better get you’re consent form out and have your girlfriend sign on the dotted line. Insane right? That’s the kind of future that progressives like Sanders are building for us. It’s terrifying. Fuck Sanders and fuck his authoritarian nanny state followers. They want to control our sexuality, but we won’t let them. We’re going to give each other blowjobs. We’ll do it publicly. And we’ll do it in ways that piss off the regressive left wing bigots who are trying to usher in some bizarro sexual dystopia where you need to ask the state for permission every time you change sexual positions.”

Trump fans love the fact that they’re weaponizing blowjobs.

“I hope we turn the left off oral sex,” says Jason. “I hope we end up creating an indelible link in the public imagination between blowjobs and conservative politics, that way progressives will never again enjoy a good old fashioned hummer.”

Hundreds of ravers at an Easter themed party in Vancouver’s west end have flocked to the internet with claims that Jesus attended their event. “Jesus raved with us,” says promoter Bernadict Cumblepott. “The real Jesus, god in the flesh, floated down to our party and danced his ass off to some sick dubstep before he flew back to heaven. As God as my witness, this really happened.”

Other guests agreed. “It was surreal. A long haired bearded Jewish looking guy floated down from the sky, took over the DJ booth, and started spinning some crazy beats,” says raver Tina Forscythe. “Then, after he played his set, he flew on to the dance floor where he busted moves like only the holy spirit can. Jesus is a raver and he knows how to DJ better than the devil can.”

Internet atheists are adamant that the ravers who reported sighting Jesus were all suffering from a collective delusion. “Look, as a long time atheist who likes arguing with people over Twitter and Reddit, I can tell you that God doesn’t exist,” says skeptic Henry Fedora. “And anyone who disagrees with me is a lunatic who shouldn’t be allowed to vote. I mean, do you really want to share political power with ravers who say they partied with Jesus over the weekend? They’re insane. We need to lock them up and throw away the key.”

North America’s raver community is gathering in Toronto this weekend to help organize a worldwide PLUR evangelist movement.

PLUR, which stands for Peace Love Unity Respect, is an old raver mantra that members of the psytrance community hope to reinvigorate. “We want to spread the PLUR,” says community organizer Hillary Lalonde. “We believe that PLUR can save the world, and that’s why it’s time to create a movement that will teach people about the concept.”

The gathering will be host to dozens of seminars and workshops dedicated to teaching ravers how to convince and persuade people. “Rave culture needs to spread beyond the party scene,” says Hillary. “We need to go out into the world and teach people the ways of PLUR. By the end of the weekend thousands of ravers will have learned how to spread the gospel.

The goal, says Hillary, is to build an army of evangelists who will go door to door to teach people about peace, love, unity, and respect. “PLUR is the one true way. It is the path to salvation. It is the only key that can unlock the mysteries of creation,” says Hillary. “In the not too distant future, you might find yourself sitting at home watching television when you’ll hear a knock on the door. You’ll get up to see who’s there, and lo and behold, it’ll be a natty haired psytrance fan clutching a copy of Generation Ecstasy in one hand and a bag of crystal meth in the other. They’ll ask you if you’ve heard the good news. And before you know it, you’ll have become a PLUR convert. That’s the future we’re hoping to build. A world where PLUR rules over us all with a mighty fun furred fist.”