Police officers found Jan Poulet, a twenty year old University student, sobbing uncontrollably in her lederhosen on the corner of St-Catherine and Sherbrooke. The officers knew something was amiss because it’s rare to find lederhosen clad bawling their eyes out on the streets of Montreal. “This isn’t Berlin, so we knew this something unusual was going on” says Sgt. Gaul Ibel. “Our victim was crying rivers of tears, wailing so loudly you could hear her two blocks away. When she finally calmed down, she told us what had happened. She had just escaped from a dungeon full of yodelling slaves.”

The sordid details shocked the officers. Rave promoter Jan Poulet had seduced dozens of men and women into becoming his Oktoberfest playthings. He groomed his victims until they trusted him, and then invited them over to an underground lair he kept beneath St-Catherine street. Once they arrived at his secret hideout, he trapped them in cages and force them to yodel for him.

“Jan Poulet’s lair was hidden in a long abandoned sewer tunnel,” says Sgt. Ibel. “He had discovered it years ago while organizing underground raves. After finding this particular tunnel, he decided that it was better suited for his Oktoberfest themed sex dungeon than it was for raves.”

Poulet was busy furiously masturbating when the police barged into his dungeon, liberating dozens of naked yodellers. “We’re thrilled that we were able to save so many lives from this yodelling obsessed menace, but there are still a lot of questions that need to be answered,” says Sgt. Ibel. “We need to know why Mr. Poulet started his yodel dungeon. Was he acting alone? Is there perhaps a cabal of rave promoters enslaving men and women to turn them into yodel whores? We don’t know yet, and that should worry everyone in Montreal.”

Doctors are asking ravers not to tan their eyes by staring at the sun after dozens of them have gone blind attempting to bronze their eyeballs. Eye tanning is an internet hoax that originated on raving forums where anti-raver trolls have worked hard convincing gullible party kids that they can bronze their eyes by staring directly at the giant ball of fire floating over us.

“The idea is that thirty minutes of eye tanning will turn your eyes a different colour,” says Dr. Hugo Veugle, an ophthalmologist with the Urban Eye Anatomy Institute of Canada. “Obviously staring at the sun doesn’t change the colour of your eyes. It does, however, cause you to go blind. I’d really appreciate it if ravers stopped believing everything they read on the internet. Don’t stare at the sun. Don’t try to tan your eyeballs. Please, just don’t do it.”

Many ravers are unpersuaded by what the medical community has to say. “Tanning eyeballs is a real thing,” says rave promoter Cecile Sealot. “Those so-called eye doctors are in the pockets of the coloured contact lens industry. They want us to spend our hard earned money buying stupid novelty contacts to change our eye colour when we could just spend half an hour staring at the sun for free. It’s a medical conspiracy. Down with coloured contacts, up with staring at the sun! Eye tanning forever!”

It’s not a secret that Generation Z is the most undersexed on record, and a recent study by The Urban Primates Institute confirms it. Researcher Dr. Ron Dawng, has spent the last two years observing the sexual habits of three thousand teenagers. “Our results are conclusive. Teenagers would rather play Minecraft than have sex,” says Dr. Dawng. “They consider fighting off mobs of creepers in Minecraft more rewarding than exploring one another’s sexuality. Generation Z thinks mining ore with a virtual pick-axe is better than taking it up the ass.”

Seventeen year old teenager Todd Solomon agrees. “I’d rather play Minecraft than play with someone’s bodily orifices,” says Todd. “Minecraft is safe, it’s gentle, it’s always there for me when I need it. I love Minecraft and I love what I can do with it. Escaping into Minecraft is way more exciting than escaping into someone’s body cavities. Minecraft is the best lover I could ever ask for.”

Party promoters are worried by the rise of these so-called Minecraft-sexuals. “Dance floors are emptying up as more and more teenagers eschew partying in favour of Minecraft,” says promoter James Jabroni. “Partying is all about finding people to have sex with, so if teenagers don’t want to have sex anymore, they have no reason to party. That’s going to put all us promoters out of business. Imagine a future where all our clubs and bars go out of business because everyone’s too busy building houses in Minecraft to. That future will soon be a reality.”

Helicopter parents are hiring professional ravers to tutor their children in the art of partying. These so-called “rave mentors” are part of a burgeoning industry that aims to alleviate EDM induced parental anxiety. Over 5,000 party mentors have already registered with Ravetutors, a new Silicon Valley company that aims to make raving safe, sane, and consensual for generation Z.

“Middle aged ex-ravers want their children to experience the best of raving while avoiding the many pitfalls associated with it,” says Ravetutors founder Chad Bullsworth. “They don’t want their kids buying fake drugs, or making out with creepy old men, or dancing to happy hardcore. Ravetutors ensures that teenagers that are new to raving will escape bad experiences and only encounter positive, life enhancing EDM adventures. Teenagers in the care of our professional rave tutors will only take the best drugs available at a party, make out with only the hottest ravers in attendance, and they will never dance to happy hardcore. We guarantee it or your money back.”

53 year old architect Rufus Ruphaldo is a huge fan of Ravetutors. “I first signed up with them right before my daughter’s sixteenth birthday,” says Rufus. “The tutors I hired ensured that her first raving experience was problem free. She didn’t get hit on by anyone over 35, the drugs she took were high quality, and she wasn’t exposed to a single happy hardcore DJ set. I couldn’t be happier with the outcome!”

Young ravers are thrilled to receive mentoring, but older party promoters are worried that Ravetutors and services like it will sanitize the party scene. “Raving is supposed to be a little dangerous,” says promoter Hugh Jenutts. “These rave instructors are turning our scene into a University classroom. That’s kind of sad, if you think about it.”

Having a hard time making ends meet? Landlord breathing down your neck? You might want to consider organizing a house rent party. The last decade has seen a revival of this old tradition. Back in the 1920s people who were struggling with rent would open the doors of their apartments to friends and neighbours. In exchange for a small donation, they’d offer music, food, and entertainment from dusk until dawn. Some people believe rent parties were the original raves.

The tradition fell out of favour in the 1960s, but they started making a comeback after the 2008 recession. “At least 20% of Montrealers under 30 have had a house rent party in the last year,” says Urbanologist Ferdinand Flat. “We expect to see those numbers rise as working class pockets continue to be hammered by neoliberal economic policies. In the absence of a real economic recovery, there will be more and more citizens embracing rent parties as a way to survive in a country that doesn’t respect labor.”

Ferdinand believes that within a few short years, over half of Montrealers making under $40,000 a year will have thrown at least one rent party during that time. “We’re getting to the point where practically everyone in Montreal that isn’t a rich asshole will have either attended a rent party or organized one. That says something about the economic climate we now live in.”