Nearly a quarter of young Americans have a sexual fetish involving Pokémon characters claims a new report published by Urban Measures, a polling and research firm based in Idaho. “We polled over three thousand young people between the ages of 16 to 25 about their sexuality,” says lead researcher Dr. Kal Ketchim. “It was a comprehensive survey, and while we discovered many things about the current sexual mores of Generation Z and younger millennials, none of our discoveries stood out as much as the popularity of poképhilia. That’s the term we use for someone who is sexually attracted to pocket monsters, or more commonly known as pokémon.”

Urban Measures ran a similar poll back in 2008, where poképhilia barely registered. “Something has happened over the last ten years that has lead to a huge increase in sexualizing pokémon characters,” says Dr. Ketchim. “I’m not sure what this says about society, but I do know that you have a lot of people out there right now having pokémon themed sexual congress.”

Paris Aliba, a twenty two year old university student from New York City, is one of those poképhile. “I can’t orgasm unless I’m dressed as Pikachu,” says Paris. “It’s the only thing that can get me off. I want to scream pika, pika, pika over and over again while my lover is inside of me. I want to volt tackle my man and grab his lightning rod. I want to shock him with a violet wand while he tries to capture me with his pokeballs. If I can’t have any of that, then the sex just isn’t worth it for me.”

Sexologist Paul Midan says that while poképhilia may seem strange to older people, it’s nothing to worry about. “Sexual fetishes evolve over time, just like pokémon do,” says Paul. “Right now, a lot of young adults like sexualizing the pop culture products that they grew up on. So what. It’s not a big deal.”

Doctors across Canada are sounding the alarm after a 19 year old Toronto woman died over the weekend when she injected heroin directly into her nipples. “Nipple injections are becoming very popular with teenagers,” says Dr. Faisal Desdrog, a substance abuse specialist. “The high you get from taking drugs through your nipples is a lot more intense and a lot more exciting than what you might get through more traditional consumption techniques. Unfortunately, that intensity comes at a price — namely, nipple injections are much less safe.”

Dr. Desdrog says that over fifty young Canadians have died so far this year as a result of this formerly obscure technique. “The internet is spreading awareness of nipple injections. Video sharing sites have played a huge role in popularizing the practice with teenagers ,” says Dr. Desdrog. “There’s an entire subculture that’s growing up around it. Fewer young people are smoking marijuana, or drinking beer — they view it as dorky, like something old people do. Heroin nipple injections though? That’s edgy, it’s new, it’s exciting, it’s not something their parents ever did. So they’re embracing it.”

According to new research by The Urban Measuring Institute, teenagers are now more likely to stick a needle in their nipples than they are to smoke a joint. “A lot of parents are still operating as if it’s 1995, but this is the new millennium. Drug use has changed, and we as a society need to acknowledge that before it’s too late. How many more children are going to die from nipple injections before we do something about it?”

Oswald Gurney, a sixty five year old hippie from Longueil, has filed a complaint with the Quebec Human Rights committee after he was expelled from Goapaluza, a psytrance party organized by the Groku Collective. “This is a clear case of age based discrimination,” says Oswald. “They kicked me out of their party because they thought I was too old for the event. I have been attending raves for decades, and I find it baffling that younger psytrance promoters think it’s okay to ban old people from their events. What ever happened to PLUR?”

The case will be heard by the committee later this summer. Kitty Diddler, spokesperson for the Groku Collective, says that their decision to exclude older people from their parties was taken in order to ensure the safety of younger party goers. “Unfortunately, baby boomers who came of ages in the 60s and 70s have cultural values that many younger ravers find deeply offensive, even dangerous,” says Kitty. “In order to protect the sexual and moral integrity of our guests, we felt it was necessary to ban old people from our events. We stand by our decision. It’s not our fault that baby boomers are bad people.”

Oswald is baffled by The Groku Collective’s intolerance. “They go around pointing their fingers calling others bad people, meanwhile they’re imposing a blanket ban on an entire generation,” says Oswald. “It’s one thing to ban someone for their actions, but my only crime was being old enough to remember the glory days of raving. I’m tired of living in a society where baby boomers are marginalized by intolerant millennials.”

Oswald has organized a protest in front of the Groku Collective’s office scheduled for later this week. “I won’t take this sitting down. I’ve called dozens of old folks homes and retirement communities. Hundreds of us old people will be outside the Groku Collective’s doors, fighting for our right to party. Raving isn’t just for young kids!”

Godfrey Goshwitz, the owner of Toronto’s Maple Mammaries strip club, has come under fire for bringing his eight year old daughter to work. “It was bring your kid to work day at school,” says Godfrey. “So I did exactly that. I’m not sure why everyone is making a big deal about it. Strip clubs are perfectly legal, it’s not like I had her dance around the pole or gave her shots of whiskey. She was just there shadowing me as I managed the club. Nothing happened that was salacious or dangerous, unless you consider book keeping, accounting, and managing a business to be child abuse.”

Child welfare advocates disagree, and are calling on the government to intervene. “Anyone who is dumb enough to bring an eight year old child to a strip club should not be allowed around children,” says Peggie Danslecu, a retired social worker who now spends her days complaining about men on Twitter. “Mr. Goshwitz isn’t fit to be a father. His daughter should be taken from him and handed out to the foster care system.”

Godfrey thinks the controversy is overblown. “Look, if my actions were wrong, then my daughter’s school should have clearly stated that certain places of employment were unsuitable for children,” says Godfrey. “They didn’t. If anyone should be censured or punished for this, it should be her school. However, I don’t think any one was in the wrong, because in our enlightened times strip clubs have become suitable environments for people of all ages.”

Vancouver’s DJ Dafug was arrested over the weekend after he was caught sexually violating a pitbull outside of a rave. Police say that the dog, named Goodboy, was owned by Rob Tall, the party’s promoter. “Apparently, DJ Dafug was upset about being short changed by Mr. Stall. DJ Dafug was high on meth, and for whatever reason, he decided to get revenge on the promoter by sexually violating his dog,” says Sgt. Emma Phun of the Vancouver police department.

Rob was severely traumatized upon learning what happened to his dog. “Who does that? Who decides to have sex with a pitbull in public? That’s just vile man,” says Rob. “Yeah, sure, I didn’t pay him what I said I would for playing at my party, but that doesn’t give him the right to have sex with my dog. I don’t even understand how someone goes from ‘that guy owes me money’ to ‘I’ll fuck his dog’. How are those two things connected? What’s the logic? I mean, even the fact that he was on meth doesn’t explain it. There’s a lot of meth heads out there and most of them aren’t having sex with dogs.”

Meth expert Dr. Phil Tresvite agrees. “I have worked with a lot of meth users, and most of them don’t have sex with dogs,” says Dr. Tresvite. “Whatever compelled DJ Dafug to have sex with Goodboy, it wasn’t meth.”

The federal liberals are celebrating a big victory for gender equality as young men flock by the tens of thousands to join the ranks of Canadian prostitutes. “Nearly 30% of all Canadian escorts are now men, that’s a huge increase in male representation in the field,” says Liberal policy analyst Jan Barth. ”We’re still a long, long way from social parity, but these numbers show that there’s a huge cultural transformation underway in our society. Now men and women are both willing to commodify their bodies and rent them out to the highest bidder. This goes to show you that capitalism can be woke, it can be feminist, and it can be gender neutral.”

Male whore Nathan Senbon agrees. “I’m a proud feminist capitalist,” says Nathan. “I believe that becoming a prostitute is a radical way of both challenging gender norms and affirming the supremacy of capitalist morality,” says Nathan. “Nothing turns me on more than helping contribute to a neoliberal culture that reduces everything to money. I am a walking human resource, an orifice with legs splayed for the wellbeing of our globalized economy. It’s awesome!”

Jan believes that as neoliberalism continues it’s war of conquest against the remaining cultures of the world, full gender parity in sex work will eventually be realized. “Soon, we’ll all be whores,” says Jan. “No exceptions! The fact that more and more men are becoming escorts is just the tip of the iceberg. I envision a future where prostitution is such a mundane part of our existence, that everyone engages in it a little bit everyday. In this brave new world, everyone will be for sale.”

New York’s legendary Grand Tardigrade, a dance club opened in 1995 by eccentric billionaire Max Gadiga, has announced a new entrance policy that some worry may one day become an American norm: you can only enter his venue after having your DNA screened for a variety of anti-social genetic markers.

“My club is going to pioneer the future of partying,” says Max. “Our current policy is just a test run for a broader business strategy. Right now, we just want to keep out people with bad genes, but in the future we want to organize events that cater to people with specific genetic profiles. You’ve heard of personalized medicine, I want the public to start thinking about personalized dance parties. Imagine going to a club where everyone has been chosen for maximum genetic compatibility. It’s assortative mating on steroids, and if it works, it’s going to be amazing.”

Civil rights activists are already preparing challenges for the new policy, but Max is undeterred. “Even if they manage to shut The Grand Tardigrade down, they won’t be able to stop me from building clubs across the planet. I’m going to establish a worldwide network of venues that use genetic screening technologies to choose their clientele. Activists might succeed in pushing my clubs out of the west, but good luck doing that in Asia or Eastern Europe. A lot of non-western countries are friendly to eugenics, and those that aren’t are pretty friendly to fat stacks of money. One way or another, I’ll turn my vision of using genetics to create the perfect dance party into reality.”

Salvio Anhero is a 24 year old machinist turned pick-up artist who has made a name for himself as a result of his unusual, and many would say unethical, dating advice. “If you pretend to be suicidal, women will throw themselves at you,” says Salvio. “I first realized this after accidentally cutting myself on the job. I was working on a construction site and a piece of metal slashed my wrist. I had to spend a week with a bandage around the cut, which is when I noticed all these women smiling at me wherever I went. Some of them would even approach me and start conversations, which never used to happen. It took awhile for me to realize that I was receiving this treatment because my bandage made it look like I had tried to kill myself. This was my a-ha moment. Women love self-destructive men.”

The young machinist turned his insight into a dating advice empire. “Once I realized that women went out of their way to talk to me if they thought I was suicidal, I started pretending that I was a depressive emotional mess all the time,” says Salvio. “I wore a bandage around my wrist wherever I went, and then when women would talk to me, I’d shift our conversation to how sex was the only thing keeping me alive.”

Salvio spent a year perfecting his pick up artist skills, eventually launching SuicidalPussyMagnet.com, a website where he teaches men how to get laid by using what he calls “suicide game”. That’s a set of so-called flirting techniques that involve convincing women that you are mentally ill and one of the only things that’ll stop you from blowing your brains out is a blow job.

“Do you know what the best pick-up line in the world is?” asks Salvio. “I want to kill myself. Say these five magic words to a random woman on the street, and her panties will drop faster than you can say Justin Bieber. Make sure you point to your bandage while telling her you’re suicidal. That will get her extra excited.”

Salvio has earned many enemies with his website, especially among the mental health community. Dr. Rael Serieux of the You Matter A Lot Foundation was an early critic. “Suicide isn’t the kind of thing you should take lightly,” says Dr. Serieux. “Treating it like it’s a joke or a pick-up routine is tacky and in poor taste. I hope vulnerable people who stumble across this heinous man’s work realize that life is important, and that no matter how dark things get, things will get better. Reach out and get help. I hope that we, as a society, will eventually make it impossible for men like Salvio Anhero to profit off suicide.”

The Canadian Union of Education Professionals has come under fire after releasing a report this week that suggests that teachers should have the right to sell drugs to their students. CUEP president Donald Highstone has downplayed the furor, stating that history will side with the report’s findings.

“We live in an increasingly progressive era,” says Donald. “The arc of history bends towards greater access to drugs. Once drug use becomes normalized, we’ll be confronted with creating a drug culture that enables and empowers children, that teaches them about the possibilities and dangers of altering their state of mind through exogenous means. We believe that educators must be front and centre in creating a new and enlightened culture of drug use.”

Donald claims that parents will see the wisdom in turning teachers into drug dealers. “Who would you prefer your child get their cocaine or heroin from — a random street urchin with ties to biker gangs or a biology teacher? Simply put, we believe that children should be initiated into drug use in a supervised setting by trained professionals. The full legalization of all drugs will radically transform society and our educational system needs to prepare for this eventuality. We’re not suggesting that teachers start handing out eight balls to their students right away, but we are saying that we need to develop protocols and social norms in order to create a drug culture that is safe, sane, and responsible.”

Many parents vociferously disagree with the CUEP’s drug culture agenda. “It used to be that you sent your children to school to prepare them for adulthood,” says homeschooler Angela Dustovich, “but now schools are crazy people factories. Instead of preparing children for the real world, they’re teaching children to be completely unmoored from reality. Teachers giving cocaine to students is just another sign of the deep social rot at the heart of our educational system.”

Internet nihilists have spent the weekend crowing over the sudden burst in popularity of overdose parties, suicidal events that they have long tried to meme into existence. They finally succeeded, as over two hundred people across ten different cities died on Saturday after attending these drug fuelled engines of self-annihilation. “I am so happy that people are finally coming around to my world view,” says 24 year old nihilist Denis Rien. “Life is a joke. What’s the difference between dying and living, between experiencing meaningless events and not experiencing them? None of this matters. Overdose parties are perfect reflections of how pointless everything is. I can’t wait to die in a futile cocaine powered haze.”

Memologist Vira Lemieux of the New York Institute For Scientific Reasoning believes that these parties will increase in popularity as time goes on. “These are basically suicide pacts on steroids,” says Vira. “The events consist of gatherings of ten or more people who keep consuming a variety of drugs until their bodies simply stop working. It turns suicide into a group activity that’s cool and hip. It’s transition from an internet joke to a real activity is worrisome. The cat is out of the bag now. There’s no going back. Overdose parties are here to stay.”

Vira thinks that the internet is largely to blame for the existence of these destructive events. “The internet has a way of stripping the world of meaning. The more time people spend online, the more likely they want to kill themselves,” says Vira. “I think it was inevitable that heavy internet users would start binging on drugs like death crazed demon worshippers. If anything, I’m surprised that it took this long for it to happen.”

A spike in teenage pregnancies has been blamed on unisex bathrooms by a coalition of faith based organizations. The Alliance for Moral Purity, an umbrella group of over fifty religious charities, recently published a report that claims to show gender inclusive bathrooms are to blame for the recent rise in teenage motherhood.

“When you allow young men and women to use the same washroom, you are tacitly encouraging them to engage in promiscuous behaviour,” says Ingrid Cellac, the report’s lead author. “You create opportunities for the underage to partake in carnal explorations that can lead to pregnancy, to bastard children born out of wedlock, and worst of all to the corruption of youthful souls who will find themselves damned in the after life, forever trapped in a fiery inferno of pain and suffering.”

Marvin Magdaline, founder of the Celebrate Celibacy Network, says that the report shows how out of touch the Canadian government is when it comes to sexuality. “The numbers don’t lie,” says Marvin. “When schools let young men and women share the same bathrooms, you give them permission to trade their bodily fluids with each other on public property. In effect, the government is turning our children into sex crazed whores who are allergic to modesty and temperate behaviour.”

Ingrid agrees. “Our schools have become brothels that celebrate whoredom,” says Ingrid. “Your average high school teacher is nothing more than a prostitute who is more concerned with turning their wards into fellow degenerates than they are in arming the next generation with the morals and values necessary to lead productive, godly lives as upstanding citizens. We live in a sick country, full of sick people, engaged in sick behaviour.”