Montreal Mayor Pierre Mangepatate has announced that the days are numbered for RaverCab, the city’s controversial party car service. “Montreal is a very tolerant city, but even we have our limits,” says Pierre. “We are busy writing up a new city bylaw that, once in effect, will make driving for RaverCab a crime. We expect the law to be in place by the end of June.”

RaverCab has earned both plaudits and criticism since it blasted on to the crowded ride sharing app scene last year, promising patrons of the ubiquitous cab service rave inspired taxi cab rides. “RaverCab is like Uber, but with cocaine and dubstep,” says the company’s founder Felix Tabemasu. “When you use our service, you know you’re in for a fun drive. It’s sad that so many stuffy politicians are hell bent on shutting us down. We just want to make partying on the road more affordable. Is that such a bad thing?”

RaverCab fans are upset with the mayor for targeting the service, claiming that Montreal has far more important problems it should be tackling. “What’s the big deal?” asks 18 year old Pierre Gellé. “I’d rather the mayor deal with our pot hole problem instead of trying to ban a company that offers citizens of Montreal several things they crave: cocaine, dubstep music, and convenient travelling.”

Protests against the mayor’s new bylaw are planned at the end of May. “I hope our fans gather at city hall and let the mayor know how unhappy they are with his decision,” says Felix. “Long live coked out cab rides home! Long live RaverCab!”

Todd Wilkinson, a controversial Vancouver promoter, was kicked out of his own party on Saturday after picking a fight with several DJs. Security staff at the event, who he had hired, staged a coup d’état after witnessing his aggressive behaviour towards the talent. “Dude was a total asshole,” says bouncer Barry Williams. “He punched one DJ, threw a water bottle at another one’s head, and pushed one guy off the stage. He was out of control. He’s lucky we didn’t crack his head open.”

The four bouncers who staged the mutiny said they were happy to intervene. “We’ve never done anything like that before,” says lead security guard Bryce Thompson. “We like getting paid. But there’s certain lines you don’t cross, and the moment he started attacking the people he had hired to play at his party, that was too much for us. Just because you hired us doesn’t mean we’re going to tolerate your bullshit. Treat people with respect, or we’ll treat you to a beating.”

The DJs at the events were thankful for the security guards stepping up and protecting them. “I’m worried he might have killed one of us,” says DJ Whaled Badd, who narrowly missed being hit over the head with a beer bottle by Todd. “He was out of his mind. I think he had taken too much cocaine or something. He was a lunatic. That was the first party I ever went too where the promoter was kicked out of his own event. I doubt he’ll ever get another DJ to play at one his parties.”

Some people collect comic books, others collect stamps, but for some rich deviants, it’s all about collecting different kinds of drugs. A growing number of millionaires -- and even a few billionaires -- are spending vast fortunes scouring the world for unique strands of drugs. “There’s a huge drug collector community,” says Sgt. Destro Colins of the SPVM. “These are mostly affluent people who spend a lot of money buying drugs that they have no intention of consuming. Instead, they put them on display in jars that they places on shelves in their drug dens.”

One fabulously wealthy man, who refuses to be named, says he started collecting drugs after he realized that collecting video games was too easy. “I used to collect old games before I was rich,” says the millionaire. “However, once I made my first million, I was able to complete my collection of mint in box nintendo games in a matter of days. It was so easy, it wasn’t fun anymore. Before I’d have to scour thrift stores and garage sales looking for rare pieces, but with a fat bank account, all I had to do was log on to eBay and buy everything I wanted. That’s why I started collecting drugs. It’s a lot harder buying rare and exotic strands of MDMA or marijuana than it is buying rare video games. There’s more skill involved, more risk, more adventure.”

Other millionaires echoed that sentiment. “I collect rare strands of psilocybin,” says an anonymous Silicon Valley tech titan. “I have an entire room full of these wonderful little mushrooms, all of them displayed in custom made mahogany boxes that have lids built with sapphire glass. They’re beautiful. When you step foot in my magic mushroom room, it feels like you’re entering a magical dimension full of endless possibility. Collecting exotic drugs offers the kind of high that mundane collecting simply can’t compete with -- and I’m talking from experience. I used to be a baseball card collector, but that was positively boring compared to traveling the world for new psilocybin samples.”

The police are cautioning rich people not to get carried away with their drug collecting hobbies. “We want to tell them not to do it,” says Sgt. Colins, “but the fact is, the law doesn’t apply to rich people, so it’s not like we’d ever arrest them even if they were caught.”

Montreal clubs across the city are retooling their music systems as DJs become increasingly unpopular attractions. “No one wants to listen to DJs anymore,” says club owner Thierry Goodwall. “An increasing number of patrons are refusing to attend venues that don’t have harpists playing the latest hits. It’s a very strange trend, a complete upending of the status quo. The party scene is undergoing a seismic shift right now.”

The booming popularity of harp music has caught most night life commentators off guard. “Ten years ago, who would have predicted that teenagers and young adults would now rather listen to harpists play Gluck’s Dance of the Blessed Spirits instead of DJs blasting out EDM?” says columnist Richard Couille. “Something enormous is happening right now at a cultural level. Our society is going back to its roots, rejecting the crass materialism of Hollywood for traditional music that’s part of the Western cannon.”

Teenagers agree. “The cool thing used to be hating Western civilization,” says 17 year old John Winston. “My older sister went to Concordia University, where they taught her to hate herself and her culture. That’s what used to be cool. The losers who write for shit like Vice or Gawker still think hating the West is in. It’s not. That’s why their circulation numbers are plummeting. That’s why their sites are failing. At some point, 35 year old assholes with culture studies degrees will realize that they’re not cool anymore, that their politics are old people politics, that their cultural values are passé. Young people today would rather listen to harp music while reading Dante’s Inferno and discussing the merits of the Western Cannon than reading yet another listicle about how racist white people . We look at all these old feminists who are fast approaching middle age and we laugh at them. They’re tacky as fuck. They’re like throw backs to the 90s who wear hammer pants unironically. They still think they’re 22 years old and that they’ve got the pulse of the current generation. It’s just sad.”

Richard agrees and says that the recent teenage love affair with harp music is only one part of a much larger trend. “In recent years, popular fashion has largely been shaped by nostalgia for decades past,” says Richard. “In the years ahead, I expect popular fashion to be shaped by a rekindled interest in older cultural traditions that angry self-hating University graduates have tried to erase. Teenagers are turning their backs on post-modern pop culture. Hating Western civilization is out. Loving it is in.”

New York’s DJ Clopclop was arrested over the weekend after he played Public Enemy’s famous song Fuck Tha Police during a rave raid. The arrest has incensed thousands of the popular DJs fans who have vowed to organized protests across the country in retaliation. “No one messes with Clopclop and gets away with it,” says protest organizer Baron Beaverbrook. “We’re coordinating efforts with Clopclop fans across the internet to make the police understand that they aren’t above the law. Clopclop did nothing wrong.”

Moderators at reddit.com/r/clopclop say that their userbase will take to the streets on May 7th in order to send police officers across America a powerful message. “The clopclop community is a strong proponent of freedom of speech,” says moderator Matt Klepek. "We want justice for DJ Clopclop! He was well within his rights to play Fuck Tha Police during that raid. His arrest was a crime against humanity and we clopcloppers demand that the charges against him be dismissed.”

DJ Clopclop says that the situation has been blown out of proportion and has asked his fans not to follow through with their planned protests. “It’s not a big deal,” says DJ Clopclop. “There are so many more important causes out there to protest, and I hope the clopclop community can channel their anger about my arrest towards more productive causes.”

Montreal promoter Diana East says tickets to the city’s first axe throwing party are already sold out. “Every last ticket was bought up within 24 hours of our website for the event going online,” says Diana. “It went viral on Facebook. We didn’t realize there was such a strong demand for axe throwing parties in Montreal.”

Ticket buyers say they can’t wait to attend the event. “I’ve always felt that there was something missing at most raves,” says 24 year old University student Kayla Jennings. “And I think axe throwing might be that secret ingredient that will turn a normal party into a transcendent heavenly experience. Once dancing becomes a life or death matter that involves dodging sharp axes, it should get your blood flowing and bring you close to nirvana.”

Diana says she got the idea for the city’s first axe throwing party from a recent trip to Denmark, where citizens have long thrown axes at their raves. “The Danes don’t rave the way typical Europeans do,” says Diana. “They always bring medieval weapons to their parties and throw them in the air throughout the night. When I went to my first Danish rave, it really opened my eyes to how exciting techno can be, and that’s why I’ve decided to recreate that dangerous atmosphere in Montreal.”