MASTURBATING RAVERS OUTRAGE MONTREAL RESIDENTS

The city of Montreal is considering banning raves outright after receiving thousands of complaints from citizens about the lewd behaviour of partygoers. “Ravers are constantly masturbating everywhere,” says Asad Saleh, a safety inspector for the city of Montreal. “It’s one thing to throw an illegal party on city property, it’s another to cover every single inch of that property with your semen. It’s disgusting. Ravers masturbate too much and it has to stop.”

Citizens across the city are fed up. “I don't know when masturbating on public property became a thing for ravers,” says flower shop owner Kimberly Desjardins, “but it’s disgusting. I was waiting for the bus yesterday when I realized the park bench I was sitting on was coated in sperm. Who the hell does that?”

"Ravers, that's who," says Asad. "Park benches aren't the only thing being covered with sperm. It’s everywhere. We've had reports of semen covered door handles, pay phones, parking meters, bus seats. You name a city object, and we'll have a complaint about it being covered in raver fluids.”

Masturbating on public property is only the most recent trend in absurd raver behaviour. “Ravers are always trying to out-crazy each other,” says party promoter Noah Biddles. “Masturbating on things is just the latest way for young people to feel cool. A couple years back, they played the knockout game, which involved sucker punching strangers. And before that, they played Robbing Grandma, which involved mugging the elderly. Now they're jerking off in public. Next year, it'll be something else.”

Melissa Goering, a researcher with the Montreal Urban Renewal Institute, agrees. “Young people feel a compulsive need to test society’s boundaries,” says Melissa. “It’s how they determine their own place in the world. I don't think the masturbation fad will last that long. It’ll be replaced by something equally stupid in a year or two.”