SHOULD YOU PAINT VAGINAS ON YOUR NAILS?

Women across America are painting vulvas on their fingernails, and the trend doesn’t seem like it’ll stop anytime soon. “I was just looking down at my hands one day and thought, you know what? I think my fingernails would look way better if I painted vulvas on them,” says 19 year old gender studies student and vagina fingernail enthusiast. Clarice Lecter. “So I painted a big beautiful rainbow coloured vulva on my nails, and wow, my life hasn’t been the same since!”

Clarice says that shortly after she made her fingernails into tiny little vulva art galleries, she was given a high paying Wallstreet job. “And the guy who hired me said it was entirely because of my vulva paintings,” says Clarice. “I think vagina nails give women a real leg up in today’s competitive job market.”

Teddy Rushpin, a human resource analyst at McBossom Consulting Firm, agrees. “In today’s hyper competitive business environment, you really need to stand out in order to make a good living. Debasing yourself by painting genitals on your fingernails shows potential employers that you’ve got really humiliation thresholds and will likely put up with pretty much any behaviour they throw at you. That kind of tolerance for humiliation is really in demand right now.”

Houten Morrisburg, billionaire founder of the furry social network Klopklop, agrees. “I’m always looking for employees who have no self-respect,” says Mr. Morrisburg. “And the same goes for every single Silicon Valley tycoon out there. Nothing is more appealing to us than an employee who has no dignity. You show up to a job interview with vaginas painted on your fingernails, and you’re getting hired.”

Thanks to the increase in market value that women with vagina nails experience, don’t expect the trend to die out. “Vagina nails will remain in vogue for as long as bosses prefer employees with a high tolerance for public humiliation,” says Mr. Rushpin. “Count on it.”