SEATTLE COULD LEGALIZE PUBLIC DEFECATION BECAUSE OF RAVERS

Jack Beaucheval, a Seattle Councilman, has put forward a motion that would legalize street defecation in the city in a nod to the growing political clout of the rave community. “Ravers are a distinct cultural group that have their own values, beliefs, and social mores,” says the Councilman. “This includes the belief that you should evacuate your bowels wherever you find yourself when nature calls. To hold it in is to deny Mother Nature her due.”

The practice of public defecation has been passed down among raver kind for countless generations. Many theologians believe that it’s a beautiful and harmonious practice that grounds its practitioners into the natural world, keeping them connected to the present moment. “If you ever travel to the raver capital of Berlin, you’ll find enormous stone statues of men and women engaged in public defecation,” says Rev. Joe Smith, a priest of the Mother Psytrance Tribe. “These statues were built to honor the cycle life. We consume nature, and then we expel nature, and then what we expel is consumed by nature, which produces new nature that we then consume in turn. It is a glorious circle of life. Shit isn’t dirty, it is wonderful, and must be celebrated. That is the way of the raver.”

Councilman Beaucheval believes that his motion to legalize public defecation will help better integrate the rave community into Seattle. “We’ve been penalizing ravers for far too long with laws that are, frankly, discriminatory,” says the Councilman. “The era of discrimination must end. It is time to embrace our raver neighbours and to familiarize ourselves with their mores and ways of life. If that means our sidewalks are going to be covered in human excrement, well then, that’s a small price to pay for being decent human beings.”