STUDY: MAJORITY OF TEENAGE RAVERS GROW UP TO BE HOMELESS VAGABONDS

A new study by The North American Center of Party Sciences reveals that 85% of teenage ravers grow up to be homeless vagabonds. “Most homeless people are former ravers,” says lead researcher Artie Shaw. “I’d go so far as saying that society doesn’t have a homeless people problem, it has a homeless raver problem."

Artie says that his study doesn’t explain why the vast majority of ravers go on to become homeless. “It’s a huge mystery to us,” says Artie. “We need to do a lot more research on this issue. It’s very odd. Is it the music that predisposes people to a life of a homeless vagabond? Is it the drugs? Is it the self-destructive culture that surrounds the party scene? Right now, we can’t say for sure, but we imagine it’s a mixture of the three."

Teenage ravers who are confronted with the prospect of becoming homeless vagabonds say that they have no regrets. “If dancing to techno at 4am today means that i’ll become a homeless crazy person ten years from now, then that’s a price I can live with,” says 17 year old ketamine addict Hillary Sanders. “The future is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is the here and now. I want to spend my nights pumping my body full of fun chemicals and then shaking my ass like salt and peppers will fall out of it. I want to dance, I want to get high, I want to feel like the world is on fire and i’m at the heart of the flames."

Most homeless vagabonds say that raving was worth it. “I used to be a full time raver, but today I’m a self-destructive wreck incapable of holding down a job or stringing together two sentences without getting distracted, and that’s okay” says vagrant Johnny Five. “God I love masturbating. What were we talking about?"

Artie hopes that his study will help convince teenagers that raving isn’t worth the cost. “You don’t want to sacrifice a few years of pleasure for decades of misery,” says Artie. “Instead of raving, why not go to church and read the bible?"