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Like Us!
Friday September 14th, 2018
40% OF RAVERS ARE NAMED KYLE CLAIMS A SHOCKING NEW STUDY



A recent study by the Categorical Institute For Nominal Investigations claims that over 40% of all ravers are named Kyle. “Even ravers that aren’t named Kyle are named Kyle,” says lead researcher Kyle Kylerson. “That means that ravers who don’t have Kyle as a first name usually have it as their second name.”

Kyle doesn’t have any explanation for this phenomenon. “Right now, it’s a bit of a mystery,” says Kyle. “What we do know is that the number of Kyles in the rave scene has exploded over the last 20 years. Back in the nineties, the distribution of names within the raver population reflected the distribution of names among the whole population. That began changing shortly after the first Spider-Man movie was released by Sony Pictures. That’s when you can see a sharp spike in ravers named Kyle. We’re not sure what the link is between Spider-Man and why so many ravers are named Kyle, but it’s something we’re looking into.”

Kyle Brogan, a rave promoter from Chicoutimi, says there’s just something about raving that attracts people named Kyle. “I don’t know, raves are like dog whistles for the Kyles of the world,” says Kyle. “There’s something about raves that we can’t resist, something that non-Kyle’s can’t fully appreciate.”

Kyle Panopolous, a DJ from New Zealand, agrees. “I’ve got a sixth sense for raves. It’s like I just know when there’s a rave happening,” says Kyle. “Like I don’t even need GPS or google maps to find a rave. I just use my Kyle-sense, and boom, I’ll find a party to go to — it’s kind of freaky.”

Kyle Kylerson says that at the current rate, the rave scene will be fully Kylerized by 2022. “That’s the year when over 98% of all ravers will be named Kyle,” says Kyle. “It’s almost enough to make you ask if there’s something supernatural going on. Is this an act of God? Are aliens behind it? Is it a marketing scheme by Sony pictures for the next Spider-Man movie? I guess we’ll find out soon enough.”
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