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Monday September 17th, 2018

Montreal’s famous Hot-Dog Man was brutally stabbed by a pack of feral ravers on Saturday. The beloved city icon, who became famous in the late nineties for dressing up as a hotdog outside of bars and parties on St-Laurent boulevard, chose the wrong party to peddle his wieners. “He was selling hotdogs and corndogs outside a a militant vegan rave,” says eye witness Brenda Bennet, who was walking down the street when the attack happened. “He’s lucky he survived — those vegans were ruthless.”

The vegan party scene has exploded in popularity over the last few years, with nearly fifty percent of the cities raves identifying as vegan only events. Police are worried that the vegan rave community’s growth will set off a tidal wave of meat based violence. “The unfortunate stabbing of the Hot-Dog Man is a sign of things to come,” says police officer Jaime Sausiss. “This isn’t the first time a bunch of angry vegan ravers have assaulted someone for selling meat, and it won’t be the last.”

Many experts believe that it’s time for the provincial government to step in before vegan violence steps up. “The brutal stabbing of the Hot Dog Man shows that we are only a few short years away from non-stop vegan mayhem,” says urbanologist Keith Moutarde. “The government needs to set-up programs to train public officials on how to deal with militant veganism. If they don’t, we’ll end up like San Francisco, where people are regularly murdered for eating beef instead of quinoa salad. Do you want to live in a city where you have to constantly watch your back whenever you leave a restaurant? I don’t.”
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