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Tuesday July 24th, 2018

Promoters for The Happiest Party Ever, a happy hardcore rave that boasted a lineup of over a dozen DJs, were disappointed after only one paying customer attended their event. “I’m absolutely devastated by this outcome,” says organizer John Booth. “It feels like I was shot right in the heart.” His business partner Thierry Divine agrees. “We invested over fifteen thousand dollars in this party, booked a bunch of incredibly talented DJs, and splurged on a top of the line sound system. The decorations were out of this world, the venue was impeccable. This party could have been something special, but in the end, no one cared enough to show up.”

Alice Lincoln, the sole raver who bothered to attend, said she had a great time despite the fact that she was the only person on the dance floor. “It was like they had hired all of these DJs just for me,” says Alice. “I felt like a Queen. I was the centre of the world for one special night. I’m sad that no one else was there to share in the experience, but I’ll always remember The Happiest Party Ever as one of the most amazing nights of my life.”

Rival promoter Todd Rodderson, who specializes in terrorcore events, says he’s not surprised that The Happiest Party Ever flopped. “No one listens to happy hardcore,” says Todd. “Happy Hardcore wasn’t even popular back in the nineties, when it originated. And everyone who used to listen to it back then pretends that they never did. They’re too embarrassed by their old taste in music. Hell, I’ve heard of people being fired for liking happy hardcore. Listening to happy hardcore is only slightly above racist Roseanne Barr tweets in terms of social acceptability. People won’t look at you like a bigot if you’re a happy hardcore enthusiast, but they will look at you like you’re a socially awkward weirdo. They’ll wonder about your mental health and your emotional wellbeing. They certainly won’t want to be around you.”
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