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Tuesday July 17th, 2018

The citizens of Wichtopi, a small village of three hundred people hidden away in the valleys of Minnesota, have had it with ravers. The pestilent party goers had been camping out on the outskirts of the village near Reverend McMullin’s dairy farm, blasting loud and obnoxiously repetitive techno music that had traumatized his cows and caused at least one goat to die of a heart attack. The ravers antics got so bad that Mayor Godwick Bogart decided his only option was to form an angry mob of villages to chase them out of town.

“We Minnesotans are a tolerant people, but even we have our limits,” says Mayor Bogart. “These ravers came to our village and abused our hospitality. They spat on our kindness and our consideration, they took advantage of our good nature, and they abused our openness of heart. They squatted on our lands, they ate our crops, they publicly defecated on our streets! And most importantly, they kept playing that terrible beep beep boop bop music, that so-called techno. We asked them to leave and they didn’t, so we gathered our pitchforks and we lit our torches and we made them leave.”

Once the area by Reverend McMullin’s farm was cleared of ravers, the mob held an impromptu picnic in celebration of their victory over the heathen degenerates that had despoiled their quaint and quiet little village. The ravers were last seen driving towards Saint Paul in their torched out fluorescent pink school bus.
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