PornBob, the world’s largest porn site run by a guy named Bob, has just released it’s annual search engine rankings, and the numbers don’t lie: ravers are addicted to nun pornography. “If there’s one things that gets ravers hot and bothered, it’s the idea of having sex with a nun,” says Bob Bobington, CEO of PornBob. “Nothing comes close to it for ravers. Not gang bangs, not cream pies, not amateur sex, not squirting videos. Nothing.”

For every vanilla porn search a raver makes, they’ll make ten searches for naughty nun doing dirty deeds. Some researchers believe that the reason ravers are so transfixed with nuns is because they’re drowning in degeneracy, desperately craving something wholesome and pure. “All ravers are basically whores who have sex for drugs,” says Ronaldo Corleone, a part-time sambass party promoter and full-time sexologist at the Toronto Institute for Normal Sex. “ In fact, I’m pretty sure every one who has ever been to more than two raves has traded sex for drugs or drugs for sex. It’s just what ravers do. It’s like breathing for them.”

Ronaldo says that ravers who surround themselves with nothing but immorality secretly long for the embrace of someone who is chaste and decent. “Nuns are the polar opposite of ravers,” says Ronaldo. “Ravers are wicked and sinful, while nuns are kind and decent. Ravers have weird cocaine fuelled glowstick orgies, while nuns pray for the unfortunate while worshipping the lord. Ravers believe in nothing but pleasure, while nuns understand that pleasure leads to temptation and temptation leads to eternal damnation in the fires of hell. On some level, ravers understand that they’ve sacrificed their soul for techno, which is why they’re fixated on having sex with nuns.”