RAVE PROMOTER DIES IN HORRIFIC DIY SEX TOY ACCIDENT
Ellie Belinora, a 22 year old confectionist at Toronto’s Peanut Butter Emporium, made a gruesome discovery late Wednesday evening when she discovered the lifeless body of her boyfriend inside their custom built latex vacuum sex bed. These beds, which are popular among fetishists, use vacuum pumps to trap people beneath a sheet of latex with carefully placed holes for the body’s orifices. Like a wiener in an opened bag of hotdogs, once you’re in a vacuum bed, you’re not getting out unless someone let’s you out.
The victim, the infamous rave promote Norm Hiddleston, had been left inside the DIY bondage contraption during a session of abandonment play. This is a game where kinksters tie up a loved one and then leave them in this helpless state for hours at a time. It was during this interlude that a shelf above the vacuum bed became loose, causing the collection of giant dildos it was holding up to tumble down onto Norm. One of the oversized sex toys landed directly in his throat, asphyxiating him.
“We built this latex vacuum bed to spice up our sex life,” says Ellie, “but instead it’s taken the life of the one I loved. I hope people learn from my mistakes. Find satisfaction in good, safe, sensual vanilla sex. The missionary position isn’t going to kill you the way a giant dildo falling off a shelf into your open mouth while you’re trapped in a latex vacuum bed will.”