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Wednesday December 19th, 2018

Doctors across North America are warning people that drinking lean will make them sterile. Lean, also known as purple drank, is popular drug with homeless people and ravers. This intoxicating sludge is made by combing soda with cough syrup. Unfortunately for fans of this devil’s brew, scientists earlier this year revealed that the substance attacks the reproductive organs of both men and women.

Regularly drinking lean causes the hypogonadal axis of the brain, which regulates the production of sexual hormones, to atrophy. “Effectively, when people drink lean, it’s like they’re telling their brain to shrivel up their ovaries and testes,” says Dr. Phil Connors, president of the Mundane Medical Society of Chibougameau. “After a few months of being on lean, a man’s penis begins to rot from the inside out. It takes a few years before it’ll actually fall off altogether, but each time a man takes a swig of lean, it’s like a tiny little misandry gnome is kicking him in the testicles. And you don’t even want to know what happens to female lean drinkers. It’s like nuclear powered menstruation. Just awful stuff.”

Ravers and homeless people are undeterred by these medical warnings. “If the price of getting high on lean is my balls falling off, then that’s a price I’m willing to pay,” says 23 year old party kid Raoul Luoar. “Lean forever!”
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