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Thursday March 3rd, 2016

Researchers at McGale University are trying to answer a question that’s baffled millions for decades: why do ravers have freakishly long demon like toe nails? “It’s almost as if the moment people start listening to EDM, their toe nails become sharp, pointy black claws,” says Dr. Anderson Brodley. “Is it the music that does this to people? If so, why?”

Priests theorize that techno music derives its rhythmic potency from Satan, the dark lord of the underworld. “When you listen to techno, you open up your heart to the devil, and then the devil begins to transform you into one of his hellions,” says Rev. George Henry. “The changes start with your feet, because that’s the devil’s way of letting the world know that though ravers walk among us on earth, a part of them dances with the devil in the deep fiery pits of hell.”

Dr. Broadley is inclined to agree. “As a scientist, I don’t readily believe in superstitions, but there’s no earthly explanations for why techno music should give you clawsm” says Dr. Broadley. “It just doesn’t make scientific sense, and yet whenever a raver takes of their shoes, lo and behold, their feet will look like something out of a horror movie. Satan is starting to look like a plausible explanation.”

The Vatican agrees, which is why it’s assembling a task force to investigate raver feet. “If we determine that raver claws are indeed the work of the devil, it will have grave implications for the Catholic faith,” says Vatican spokesman Ronald River. “Once demons begin walking the earth, the end of time is nigh and armageddon can’t be that far off.”
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