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Wednesday January 13th, 2016

Police made dozens of arrests after a riot broke out at a Mile End rave on Saturday. “Party goers were upset at the fact that the promoter didn’t have any friend chicken for sale,” says Sgt. Larry Batista of the SPVM. “They got upset and started attacking everyone and everything in sight.”

It’s not the first time the lack of fried chicken caused a riot in Montreal, and it won’t be the last warns poultryologist Kieff Urban. “Ravers have grown addicted to fried chicken. They expect promoters to have some at their parties. Events that lack chicken cause these ravers to enter into withdrawal, which leads them to engage in acts of wanton violence. Honestly, it’s not the ravers fault they rioted, it’s the fault of the promoters for not doing better job of ensuring they had fried chicken on hand at their parties.”

Promoter John Pogo agrees. “Only amateurs forget to bring fried chicken to their events,” says John. “I mean, that’s some basic Raving 101 shit right there. All raves need glowsticks, whistles, MDMA, and fried chicken. Those are the four basic raving food groups. You learn that on your first bloody day at rave school. I wish the province of Quebec would make it mandatory for promoters to get certified by The Ethical Raving Foundation before they could throw parties. A weekend class on the basics of throwing raves would have been enough to prevent this riot.”

Kieff agrees. “Fried chicken is serious business,” says Kieff. “Rave promoters who don’t respect the role of chicken in raving are putting lives at risk. The government needs to step in and ensure that promoters realize the importance of having an adequate supply of fried chicken at their events. It’s just common sense. ”
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