Police are telling wealthy millionaires to be on the look out for crazy feminists at night clubs. “There’s a new gang in town, and they’re robbing all the rich bastards who are stupid enough to spend time at night clubs,” says Montreal police chief Wiggan Pierre. “The gang calls itself the Ballcutters, and they’re as ruthless as they are sexy. And they’re really sexy, especially for feminists, who usually aren’t that sexy at all. These ladies have tits and ass that are out of this world. The kind that make ugly feminists angry at men who won’t objectify them the way they’ll objectify the Ballcutters Gang.”

Police say that the Ballcutters scour Montreal’s club scene looking for easy marks to rob for fun and profit. “They seduce millionaires with their feminine wiles,” says Chief Pierre. “These millionaires go to clubs thinking they’ll impress women with their wealth, but little do they know that they’re not the predators, they’re the prey.”

On one occasion, two Ballcutters ran off with over $750,000 worth of art and jewelry from an unlucky millionaire they met at Club Wetropolis. “Their victim brought them up to his downtown penthouse, where he tried to impress the Ballcutters with his fabulous wealth. In the end, all he did was show them exactly what to steal.”

Few people are sympathetic with the Ballcutters victims, even anti-feminists find themselves looking up to the gang. “One of the biggest issues I have with modern feminists is that they really fail at class issues,” says 24 year old bodybuilder Fernando Gelato. “So I’m happy to see that there are some feminists out there who realize that rich men and poor men aren’t exactly on the same level. I still bet they treat all men like shit, which seems to be what modern feminism is all about, but I give them props for fucking with rich assholes at night clubs. Keep it up, ladies, and you might finally get men to accept that feminism isn’t about massaging the egos of middle class white women.”

Police are asking male millionaires not to bring home any strange women they meet at clubs. “Seriously, if you’re rich, you shouldn’t be meeting women at clubs anyways,” says Chief Pierre. “Go meet them at art galleries or horse races or on yatchs and shit. Clubs are tacky as hell. Poor people go to them because their lives suck. If you’re a millionaire and you go to clubs, you’re a loser and you need to reconsider what you’re doing with your life.”