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Tuesday January 12th, 2016

Hundreds of ravers have set up a protest camp in the heart of Montreal’s nightlife district in an effort to pressure party promoters into setting up glory holes at all future parties. “It’s 2016, and it’s time for promoters to get on the right side of history,” says degenerate Charlie Kennison. “And the right side of history is the one where glory holes are plentiful and ubiquitous. A rave without a place to park your penis is retrograde and conservative, something straight out of the dark ages. How can you claim to be a morally progressive event organizer if you’re against glory holes?”

Event organizers say they’re not against glory holes, but they’re not interested in breaking the law. “Right now, it’s illegal to give blow jobs to strangers in venues that are open to the public,” says promoter Jessica Lansbury. “The event organizer community agrees with ravers that it’s time for us to make anonymous blow jobs mainstream, however we want to achieve this goal through the appropriate political channels. The ballot box, not civil disobedience, is the key to creating a thoroughly degenerate society where no one has any sexual standards.”

Political scientists agree. “Concordia has an entire department dedicated to studying the ethics of glory holes,” says urbanologist Gon Dufar. “According to our research, the best way to destroy the moral fabric of a society is through incremental steps. Societies that have successfully transitioned to pro-glory hole cultures have done so through political efforts. Protesting and civil disobedience campaigns are counter productive. The best way to get the public to embrace the glory hole is by getting politicians to embrace it. Culture is downstream from politics, and so if you want a random person to wrap their lips around your dick, you got to email your politicians and tell them that you won’t vote for them unless they’re pro glory hole.”

Ravers say they’re open to Gon Dufar’s ideas, but that they won’t leave the camps just yet. “I think we’ll only stop protesting if the event organizers go down on us,” says Charlie. “Then we’ll pack up and go home. If we don’t get blow jobs from promoters, then we’ll keep promoting.”
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