The decade long war between psytrance DJs and dubsteb DJs is on the verge of ending as members from both camps agreed to hold peace talks in March. “It’s time for us to end this cruel war,” says dubstep Patriarch Alphonso Ruthord. “Too many people have died in the name of deep bass and sick parties. We must put an end to this senseless bloodsheds that divides our musical communities. It is time for us to unite under a single brotherhood of EDM. The war must stop!”

Pope Algo Rithm, who heads the Church of Psytrance, agrees. “The days of hippie loving psytrance fans murdering meth addicted dubstep fans are over. It is time for our two people to heal the divisions that have torn us a part. We have suffered far too much in the years since the great schism of 2003. Now though, we must unite and become a single force in order to defend our fatherland from the invading hordes of hipster feminists, brainwashed by neoliberal propaganda machine, who have come to erase our communities and assimilate us into their bourgeois collective. If we do not unite to fight the hipsters, twenty years from now, dubstep and psytrance will no longer exist. The only music we’ll be allowed to listen to will be whatever garbage that affluent University educated feminists force down our ears.”

Patriarch Ruthord shares Pope Algo’s view. “Everywhere you turn, the tentacles of hipster feminism extend their reach. Popular culture is being colonized by rich white women from Ivy League universities. Today, if your art doesn’t satisfy their politics, they will use neoliberal globalist media outlets to destroy you personally. These hipster feminists, who work for billion corporations owned by neoliberal globalists, will ruin your life if you dare stand up against them. Eventually, they’ll turn to techno, the same way they’ve turned to everything else. They’ll try to colonize us, to turn our art and our music into another tentacle of the neoliberal globalist machine. We can’t keep killing each other when hipster feminists are amassing an army on our borders with the intent of invading us. We must unite now, or we will die tomorrow.”

Many psytrance and dubstep fans agree. “It’s time we stop hating each other and start hating hipster feminists who consume shitty media like VICE, which is owned in part by Ruper Murdoch,” says 23 year old rave Paul Piché. “How the fuck can you claim to be an anti-capitalist feminist when you work for Rupert goddamn Murdoch? At some point over the last twenty years, billionaires co-opted feminism and turned it into a weapon that they use to control society. We can’t let them colonize psytrance and dubstep the way they’re colonizing the rest of our culture. If we don’t resist modern feminism, our communities will die. In order to survive, we need to become allies against our common enemy: middle class white people who read Gawker, Vice, and other shitty media outlets that cater to bourgeois scum. Fuck them and fuck their classist feminism. EDM ÜBER ALLES!”